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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH won't help clean as much as I'd like...

47 replies

coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:15

DH and I both work full time, have a two year old, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. Ever since DC1 was born, I have suggested it would make our lives so much easier if we had a cleaner. DH thinks we can just clean ourselves in evenings/at weekends when DS is asleep. The problem is, DH's standards are much lower then mine.

So, especially at weekends, not only will DH refuse to clean as much as i'd like, he doesn't want me to either!

Weekday evenings:
DH arrives home (after picking DS from nursery) at 6pm.
He will usually put a load of washing in and unload dishwasher while DS has a snack.
I arrive home at 6.45, and spend an hour with DS (incl bath time), while DH cooks dinner. DS sleeps at 7.45pm, we then have dinner, after which we both tidy/clean kitchen, load dishwasher, etc (done by about 9pm). DH then stops, relaxes on sofa while I sort laundry, tidy up and sort clothes for the next day etc. He is constantly calling me to join him in front of TV and I feel I can never do as much as I'd like.

At weekends, DS naps for 2 hours both afternoons. I want to use the time to catch up on all laundry, ironing, hoover/mop the whole house, and clean the bathrooms, tidy up etc. DH will only agree to clean the bathrooms about once a month. He only wants to hoover downstairs, hardly ever tidies the bedrooms or change the bedding and just says "leave it, we'll do it tomorrow/next week". So I end up saying i'll just do it myself and he complains i won't join him to relax, sit in the garden, have lunch together or whatever. Or I insist that he helps and he does but in a foul mood, constantly commenting that he is doing things that don't need done! I cant decide if DH is BU or am I?

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/07/2018 15:18

Get a cleaner for a month. Don't tell dh then casually bring up if he is happy with the condition of the house. Then confess.

Confusedbeetle · 04/07/2018 15:21

he puts the washing in, unloads the dishwasher, cooks, shares the clean up, then has the audacity to want a bit of time with you. If his standards are not as high as yours, it doesnt mean that you are right. The priorities are getting done. It is important to sit and spend some time together. It s not all about house beautiful. If you cant cope get a cleaner. Decide what matters to you the most. I think your relationship may be quite important. Compromise

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2018 15:22

Get a cleaner op

dreamingofsun · 04/07/2018 15:25

agree....get a cleaner. once a week.

RafikiIsTheBest · 04/07/2018 15:25

Can you compromise and write a list together of all the jobs that need to be done. Making sure that rarer stuff like clean under furniture, defrost freezer, clean skirting boards etc are on it. Both have a copy and write how often they should be done, then compare and work together to find a middle ground, might be you insist bedding is changed weekly but happy to leave cleaning under the sofa for every x months or something.
Then put it down on paper so you both know what you need to do each day, week, month. Stuff like this helps me, never mind DP.

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/07/2018 15:26

I never understand this, if you both work full time, presumably you are both out of the house at least 8 till 6 including commuting.... who the hell is making your house messy?

You've said he cooks, puts a load of washing in, you both tidy up the kitchen. What else needs doing on a daily basis? Whack some bleach down the loo and surely each person wipes the shower behind them?

I remain baffled at all this 'housework' people generate when they are out the bulk of the day. Where does it come from? If you feel you must hoover, 10 minute job, if that. Ironing daily, if you're that way inclined again less than 15 minutes. Or 2 hours whist watching the telly one evening. Bed change, less than 2 minutes.

I really don't understand people who create work. No one ever went to their grave going 'shit me, I never polished the silver this week'

LittleBirdBlues · 04/07/2018 15:26

It sounds like you've got a pretty good routine going during te week. Any reason why he can't do the post-dinner tidy up and dishwasher loading himself, while you sort out clothes and laundry for the next day?

For the general cleaning that you do on weekends, get a cleaner. Start with 3 or 4 hours once a fortnight (we have a 4 bed with two bathrooms and need 4 hours). Once your husband gets used to how nice it is, you might agree on 3 hours every week etc.

Original poster
coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:27

Thanks @Confusedbeetle , I think you are right that I need to compromise and lower my standards more.

But genuinely, for example, do you think cleaning the bathrooms once a month is enough, if I could sneak a quick wipe around in between?

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/07/2018 15:27

Sounds like he is doing his fair share. The rest seems to be your personal preference. Maybe try chilling more and join him on the sofa to watch the TV.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/07/2018 15:29

If you each clean the bathroom once a month then its getting cleaned every fortnight, which is fine. Unless you wash a muddy dog in the bath?

NapQueen · 04/07/2018 15:30

I hate this "if you are not in your house all day why is it messy?" mentality. My house is messy because Im not here to do anything.

Up fed dressed and out by 7.45am with no time in the morning to do any cleaning or washing up. Home 6pm baths dinner bed. Manage dishes and a load of laundry thats it before flaking out.

If I was at home in the day (as I was on mat leave and when I worked shifts) I could do vacuuming; beds; dusting; garden etc.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 04/07/2018 15:32

I think you’re being a bit mean. Surely time as a couple should prioritise housework? I’d much rather have a cuddle with my shift working dh than run the hoover around. I can understand housework playing on your mind but you have a toddler, are about to have a baby and your marriage needs as much attention as possible.

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2018 15:33

If he’d like more time to relax with you, then a cleaner is the best idea. You’ll feel reassured everything’s getting clearances regularly, he’ll get to relax with you, and you can agree a frequency that gets you what you need whilst not seeming excessive to him. Fortnightly sounds ideal.

I think as you both work and have a small child, you need a cleaner. I wish I’d had one!

Scoopofchaff · 04/07/2018 15:35

Op I'm a slattern but I like clean kitchens and bathrooms; think once a month cleaning for either of those is a bit ick tbh.

Definitely get a cleaner if financially do-able. Things will only get harder once the baby arrives.

Don't understand your dh's objections really (unless it's about money) a cleaner would allow you to have more time to relax together which is what he wants!

Original poster
coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:36

I never understand this, if you both work full time, presumably you are both out of the house at least 8 till 6 including commuting.... who the hell is making your house messy?

Yes, we are all out at least 8 until 6. Mornings are a bit of a rush and that creates untidiness in the bedrooms/hallways after 5 days. For the bathrooms, its mainly the daily showering and very hard water area that makes them look unclean. Carpets are light and i think they look like they need a good hoover once a week. And there always seems to be a backlog of laundry & ironing! And DS's mucky handprints still seem to get everywhere!

OP posts:
ThatGirl82 · 04/07/2018 15:36

At weekends could you agree that you do any necessary housework on one day but not the other? It would be lovely to sit and relax together one of the days.

I’m on maternity leave at the moment and just about manage to clean while dd naps but it’s hard work so I don’t know how we’ll manage when I go back to work as dp works very long hours.

Original poster
coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:37

Thanks all - i'm going to have a chat later and insist on a cleaner for a couple of hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:45

At weekends could you agree that you do any necessary housework on one day but not the other? It would be lovely to sit and relax together one of the days.

That's what we do at the moment, but DH is not happy with that (he wants to do relax both days - the housework can ALWAYS wait according to him!), and neither am I (there always seems to be something that needs doing!)

OP posts:
OnlyBaBaBiss · 04/07/2018 15:47

I wouldn’t want to spend 4 hours every weekend cleaning, especially if they’re the only child free hours I got in the house, I’d want to chill too
YABabitU

Original poster
coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 15:51

I think you’re being a bit mean. Surely time as a couple should prioritise housework?

Just to clarify DH is currently winning here as he usually successfully persuades me not do do the housework (more recently because of the heat and my swollen pregnancy feet I've been less stubborn about it). The bathrooms haven't been properly cleaned in four weeks, nor has the bedding been changed or the master bedroom/stairs hoovered for a month. we were away last weekend, and are going on holiday on Sunday morning, so I would love to spend an hour or so cleaning on Saturday, but i can't see it happening!

OP posts:
chilly32045 · 04/07/2018 15:53

Sounds like your DH does loads already! Wish my DP would take a leaf out of his book!

BarbedBloom · 04/07/2018 15:53

Honestly, I would get a cleaner to do all the bits like hoovering, beds and mopping. That way you have the general bits to do. As for the bathroom I tend to just squirt cleaner round before I go in the shower and wipe over when I get out - about two mins.

Spending time together is important and you can’t agree on the standard of cleanliness so one of you will end up resentful otherwise. I tend more towards your way but I work part time, so it evens out more

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 04/07/2018 16:12

Winning as in persuading you to spend time with him?!

Confusedbeetle · 04/07/2018 16:19

Sorry, Op I was a bit harsh. I do think that bathrooms and kitchens are a priority. Sinks and toilets wiped over most days, spot of bleach, two minutes job if everyone hangs the towels and wipes the shower. Sounds like you are on top of the kitchen. Hoover and fresh sheets once a week.
Everyone avoid clutter rather than a big clean. Houseproud people feel stressed when it's not done but that's your issue, not his. Workaround it. I was better at letting it go when I was at work, now I can see dirty windows in the sun. I have battled and raged for 45 years to get OH to do housework. Have achieved washing up after meals, and once a week hoover. I do feel your pain but from experience decided to choose my battles, I am now sneakier in my approach. I realised that i was focussing all my energy on this one issue when actually there was other stuff...... another story

InDubiousBattle · 04/07/2018 16:20

If you have two hours I think the best way to do it would be to both set to and clean for an hour then spend the other hour together. Bedding needs changing more frequently than once a month. Bathrooms need cleaning weekly. Your week day routine sounds fine but I would do two hours each at the weekend. Or just get the cleaner!