DH won't help clean as much as I'd like...

[coffeeforone]

DH and I both work full time, have a two year old, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. Ever since DC1 was born, I have suggested it would make our lives so much easier if we had a cleaner. DH thinks we can just clean ourselves in evenings/at weekends when DS is asleep. The problem is, DH's standards are much lower then mine.

So, especially at weekends, not only will DH refuse to clean as much as i'd like, he doesn't want me to either!

Weekday evenings:
DH arrives home (after picking DS from nursery) at 6pm.
He will usually put a load of washing in and unload dishwasher while DS has a snack.
I arrive home at 6.45, and spend an hour with DS (incl bath time), while DH cooks dinner. DS sleeps at 7.45pm, we then have dinner, after which we both tidy/clean kitchen, load dishwasher, etc (done by about 9pm). DH then stops, relaxes on sofa while I sort laundry, tidy up and sort clothes for the next day etc. He is constantly calling me to join him in front of TV and I feel I can never do as much as I'd like.

At weekends, DS naps for 2 hours both afternoons. I want to use the time to catch up on all laundry, ironing, hoover/mop the whole house, and clean the bathrooms, tidy up etc. DH will only agree to clean the bathrooms about once a month. He only wants to hoover downstairs, hardly ever tidies the bedrooms or change the bedding and just says "leave it, we'll do it tomorrow/next week". So I end up saying i'll just do it myself and he complains i won't join him to relax, sit in the garden, have lunch together or whatever. Or I insist that he helps and he does but in a foul mood, constantly commenting that he is doing things that don't need done! I cant decide if DH is BU or am I?

I hate this "if you are not in your house all day why is it messy?" mentality

but it's true, at least for some of us! House is tidy when we go to bed, morning is only about breakfast - if any - and emptying the dishwasher then we are out. Strictly nothing happens until we come back.

Weekends when we are all at home on the other hand...

OP, neither your DH and you are wrong so you BOTH need to compromise. I think he's unreasonable to refuse a cleaner, it would be nice to come back in a clean house on Thursday or Friday (or Monday night if you prefer). I have banned all chores in my own house at the weekend, apart from the odd load of laundry if we are around.

I do 1 hour or 2 every morning, from 6 to 7 or 8am if I am still home, and that's enough to change the beddings weekly, wipe bathroom toilets quickly - and yes, I have a cleaner.

When it comes to things like this I find my DH responds best to me telling him how I feel rather than me telling him what needs doing or telling him what he's doing wrong.

So in this case I'd sit down with him and say, "I love spending time with you and really want to be able to chill with you in the evenings and weekends. But the state of the house makes me anxious and I can't relax knowing it is the way it is. I know this might not be rational and that it doesn't make sense to you, but it's how I feel. When I go to shower I look around and feel overwhelmed that the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in weeks. When I walk through the house in bare feet I can feel the floor is dirty and I can't stand it. I know that you think the house is clean and heaps of people will agree with you, but this is something I personally have an issue with. I don't really know how to fix this because I try to relax but can't fully when I'm distracted by wanting to go and clean. So I really would like to get a cleaner in. It might not make a huge difference to the way the house looks to you, but I think I will be so much more reassured knowing that the cleaner is taking care of the stuff and then I think I'll be able to completely relax with you and not worrying about housework."

That's the way I get through to DH. If I make it clear that I'm not attacking him but that I don't feel good about something and need his help then he seems to take it better and be willing to help. I don't do this when I really think he is in the wrong but for stuff like this where neither of us are right or wrong, we just have different opinions or priorities.

OP a quick wipe in the bathroom should take 2 minutes and you/him can do it while brushing your teeth. Just tidt uo after yourselves as you go along and surprise surprise... no mess!!

Tidy up* oops.

Get a robohoover - ours is fab - cuts out at least one job on the list.
Definitely get a cleaner if you can afford it.
DH too complains that I have princess standards about changing sheets - but I hardly think that once a fortnight is too exacting.

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh here. I really want to spend time with DH at night and family on the weekends but this stuff has to be done, especially with toddlers around. I have to hoover downstairs every day because the twins eat anything they find on the floor. I can just about fit in the essential everyday tasks but really struggle with the bigger less frequent things (eg cleaning inside the fridge, cleaning the oven, deep cleaning generally, skirting boards, etc). And we have very hard water too and it’s a nightmare. Cleaning our shower is a mammoth task involving viakal and much scrubbing, you can’t just wipe it down.

Make a list of what you think needs doing daily, weekly, monthly, six monthly etc. Assign a time for each task approximately. Discuss it. If it’s not feasible then get a cleaner (wish we could!)

We had a "rule" from when the DC were little that before they went to bed the lounge had to be tidy. At 2, this won't be much more than putting toys in a box, but while they do this, the adult with them can be having a quick tidy/hoover round the lounge.

You seem to both be spending about an hour every evening cleaning up after dinner. I'm slightly struggling to understand why this takes so long that you've still got jobs to do after 9pm? If yo u get a load of laundry in every night and clean/tidy every night then the weekend blitzing is surely limited to bathroom and kitchen? Take one each and half an hour to do it.

@RedSkyLastNight I don't think we spend an hour every night, sorry if I wasn't clear. DS sleeps at 7.45, we chat, etc dinner is usually ready by about 8pm and we sit & eat/chat for about 30-45 mins. A 15 min clean and tidy up takes us to 9pm!

You both sound quite busy. Get a cleaner. Dont tell him til she's been a few times.

I raised the cleaner issue again. DH would prefer not to have one because he doesn't want a stranger in the house when we're no there. He also doesn't want either of us to be committed to have to tidy up an a particular evening each week if we don't have the energy. I'm due to go on maternity leave soon so we've decided to see how that goes and how easy going the new arrival is. E.g. If we have a velcro baby that won't sleep on his own or give us any rest bite then will reconsider the cleaner!

Putting up with a dirty house (and if bathrooms and the like aren't being done but once a bloody month then it is dirty despite the outming each other types on here) while you're at home on maternity leave is a different ballgame to when you're out all day and can ignore it to a degree. You'll do the nesting thing at some point and these little niggles you're feeling now will come right to the front because you'll be bigger and not able to clean the way you want resulting in a big snotfest of a meltdown on your bloke.

The compromose is he pitches in once a week to do these tasks or you're getting a cleaner. Dont indulge his little fantasy of you playing the little woman while you're off work he has going on atm.

Just get the cleaner. Don’t discuss it.

Just seen your update. Ok. Maternity leave is a great time to have a cleaner. You can be home at the same time, just ask what order she’d like to do the rooms in and keep out of their way.
Once you get one you won’t go back - good luck

I dont understand this: If you each clean the bathroom once a month then its getting cleaned every fortnight, which is fine
Someone said get a cleaner and dont tell him. Thats what id do. Once a month bathroom cleaning and bed linen changing is eww

If his standards aren't up to yours you've got to accept the lion share. Or get a cleaner.

Are you both doing bits of tidying as you go? Eg after DC are in bed I give the bathroom a couple of minutes clean each night, then it doesn't end up needing a big clean after being left until the weekend.
With the laundry I do it in stages, fold it in the evening, pop it upstairs in the basket and put it away in the morning when I'm getting the DCs clothes out.
I do the dishes and kitchen while doing tea, then there's just the plates from tea after.
If you do small bits as you go it doesn't build up as much.

I do think you need to lower your standards. Housework is such a wretched waste of time - and excessive housework is both bad for the environment and not great for small DC (if houses are too antiseptically clean, the DCs' immune systems are weaker).
Though he doesn't get to dump the bulk of the housework on you by refusing to get a cleaner. It's not your responsibility just because you're the one with the womb.

Cleaner cheaper than divorce

Glad to hear you’re getting a cleaner OP. You will do a lot more “nesting” towards the end if the pregnancy, no doubt, and are at risk of driving yourself and your DH crazy

I don’t think either if you are BU. You just have different priorities.

To me, it sounds as if your DH does loads. Mine has never cleaned a bathroom, hoovered or ironed in 12 years, so all this debate you’re having is hard for me to imagine, but then I’m a SAHM with a cleaner 2-3 times a week. Get a cleaner, it will help so much. Good luck!

This might help you

www.cleanmama.net/weekly-cleaning-routine

I followed this and then moved some things around so that there is no cleaning to be done at weekends.

Maybe no cleaning at weekends could be a compromise?

Good luck.

Get a robohoover - ours is fab - cuts out at least one job on the list.

This. Our floors are spotless. Can’t say the same for the stairs where robots can’t go...

Maybe not get a robot hoover if you have free roaming animals though. A random shit can spread a surprisingly long way