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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my mum to be with me on the morning of my wedding day?

28 replies

Blueelvis · 04/07/2018 14:08

Hi all, I am new here. I am feeling upset and perplexed about an argument I had with my mum last night. Basically I have asked her to stay over the night before and be with me and my daughter (my flower girl who is under 2) the morning of my wedding day. She has made various excuses over the past months as to why she can't/won't, such as having to store her overnight bag somewhere, not wanting to carry her make up bag around with her, wanting to get her hair done, of which I have found solutions for. Now however she has arranged to have her hair done at 10:30 and will be with me and my daughter by 12:00, when my make up artist is arriving. Some of my family members are not supportive of my wedding and are not attending such as my dad, therefore I have asked my mum to give me away and join me in the wedding car. I envisaged a nice relaxed morning with quality mother/daughter/granddaughter time, this is now not to be. I have expressed the upset this causes me, to be told that I am emotionally blackmailing her! Am I being unreasonable to ask my mum to be with me. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Not that it will make any difference as she has made her stand, just wanted to know if I am being selfish in wanting this.

OP posts:
vandrew4 · 04/07/2018 14:11

so she'll be there by 12;00 and is willing to hang around watching you make up done? what's the problem? personally I just met all my guests at the registry office but i can get myself dressed / out of the house on time all by myself

crazydoglady6867 · 04/07/2018 14:14

No you are not being selfish, I think a wedding morning is for mum and daughter to have some bonding time. I will stay overnight at my daughters and be with her and help her dress etc then hand her over to her daddy when he arrives to go to the church. My daughter is having a very traditional wedding though, so it maybe that your day seems more laid back and relaxed to your mum and she doesn’t see the importance of being with you. Just have some mother daughter bonding with your own girl and make a mental note to be more attentive on her wedding day. Hope you have a lovely day, whoever is with you in the morning.x

trojanpony · 04/07/2018 14:14

I don’t think you are being unreasonable
As a question: are your mum and dad still married? Why are others not supportive of the marriage?

Poopooweewee · 04/07/2018 14:16

I don't really understand why you need / want your mum to be there when you're getting ready. I'm getting ready this weekend and am limiting the time my mum is around me as she stresses the fuck out of me Grin

Personally I would let her do what she wants to do. Enjoy your morning with your daughter, it will be really special Flowers

and congrats !

Poopooweewee · 04/07/2018 14:16

I'm getting MARRIED not ready !

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 14:17

aww no you're not BU at all but you can't control other people so just enjoy spending the time with your daughter instead

henpeckedinchief · 04/07/2018 14:19

I don't think YABU to be upset, but it sounds like there is something a bit more going on that she doesn't feel able to tell you - does she hate being away from home? Are she and your dad still together so she feels she has to compromise? Does she approve of the wedding? It seems a bit strange but she is obviously unhappy with the idea and you obviously can't force her to come against her wishes.

I would try and find a way of making the morning extra special for you and your little girl - maybe a fancy breakfast together, or have the photographer come early to do a wee shoot of just the 2 of you? Something to make up for her not being there.

PrimalLass · 04/07/2018 14:19

Why are they not supportive of your marriage?

Haberpop · 04/07/2018 14:19

I don't think you are being selfish wanting her to be there but you have to respect the fact that she doesn't want to be. Maybe she wants to use her own hairdresser etc? I know my hairdresser understands my hair and how I like it, the thought of someone else doing my hair makes me twitchy. Is she worried that she might feel compelled to look after her granddaughter when she really wants to be concentrating on getting herself ready?

HollowTalk · 04/07/2018 14:21

It sounds as though your mum isn't that supportive, either, OP. Does she agree with you marrying your fiancé? What are the objections your dad has to your wedding?

specialsubject · 04/07/2018 14:22

whats the big deal? just get dressed like any other day. having mum there was for nervous brides facing leaving home and having sex for the first time. that s not you and should not be any other female now.

sorry about family issues but dont make work.you are an adult. if you need someone to help with your daughter ask your fiance.

CanaBanana · 04/07/2018 14:23

My DM didn't spend the morning with me before my wedding. She went to the hairdresser. I needed someone to do up my buttons etc but MIL said she would do it. Anyway MIL never bothered to turn up so DH had to pop in and help me dress on his way to the church. I'll never forgive MIL. In retrospect I wish I'd just insisted on my own DM coming over. YANBU to want your own DM to support you on your special day.

user1471459936 · 04/07/2018 14:24

I didn't want my mum with me. She was at the church greeting my guests. Much better use of her time. But I don't think this is really about your mum being there or not - what's all the disapproval of your choice of husband?

ittakes2 · 04/07/2018 14:24

I had always thought my mum would be with me and my three sisters on the morning of my wedding day - so I get you. I had considered we would get ready together and she would help me put my veil on. Nope - my mum was obsessed with her dog and was walking it. The first time I saw her was at the wedding when I got to the aisle. I had assumed my mother would be there in the morning - and only found out when my sisters arrived and told me she was not coming. My Dad stepped in to help me with my veil - and he listed it as the best thing of the day for him. Parents can be disappointing - although can I recommend that you don't try and convince her. It may just lead to even angst for you. Please consider if there is someone else who cares about you that can join you and enjoy this special moment with you instead. And if it helps - my mum was even late to the wedding dinner. Walking the dog again - she arrived halfway through us eating. She was meant to sit next to me but I was so angry I swapped her to be next to someone else. It took me a year but eventually, I got over it.

Original poster
Blueelvis · 04/07/2018 14:24

Thank you for your varied responses. Am starting to think why did I invite her in the car if she clearly doesn't want to be there. Just thought it would be a nice relaxed way of getting ready, rather than having my daughter running around causing havoc while im trying to get pampered. Thinking I may try and put her down for her nap and tell my mum, no need to hurry round if it's stressing her out by having to be here. My make up artist even offered to get round earlier to look after my daughter so that i could have a shower and freshen up for the day, bless her heart. Obv didn't take her up on her kind offer. But thought someone I hardly know would do that and my own mother won't, speaks volumes hey. My mum and split up over 30 years ago and live 5 hours apart. There was a drunken incident 3 years ago that caused us to split for a month. The course of true love never runs smooth. However, he has not touched a drop of alcohol since and is a changed man. Sad that some people cannot see it in their hearts to give people a second chance. C'est la vie.

OP posts:
user1471459936 · 04/07/2018 14:28

Sounds like it's more about your mum looking after your daughter.

YesILikeItToo · 04/07/2018 14:34

Even if it is about Gran looking after Daughter, that’s a totally typical sort of thing for family to do for each other on an occasion like a wedding!

vandrew4 · 04/07/2018 14:34

why can you not have a shower without someone else being there? What do you normally do if you're by yourself with dd?

iliketosmellcandles · 04/07/2018 14:46

Do you have bridesmaids OP or friends who can be there with you in the morning?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 14:49

Take up your make up artists offer if it’s still on. Buy her a bottle of fizz. We can’t choose our parents but we can choose the relationship we’d like to have with our children. Your dd is the next generation. She is the future. Have a lovely day.

Why is your dad not attending your wedding? I’m struggling to see a reason.

RafikiIsTheBest · 04/07/2018 15:01

I think it's a tradition to have your mother with you the morning of, as well as bridesmaids etc. The support and getting ready together, the photos, memories and just enjoying being together.

It's not a must, it can be a wonderful or dreadful experience to do it depending on the individuals and the relationships between them. I'm hoping my morning will be great, really looking forward to it and my sisters and mum are a vital part of that (to me).

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2018 15:11

So it wasn't about 'sharing the day', it was about childcare for your DD. Hmm At any rate, it sounds as if your mum doesn't completely approve (as is her right) and that she's attending simply because she wants to maintain a relationship with you and her grandchild. I'd suggest you let her be a part (or not) of your wedding as she chooses.

As a mum I know it would be hard for me to see my child marry someone that I wasn't sure would be a good husband/wife to them. My parents felt that way about my first husband (they were right) but they gritted their teeth, held their tongues (after asking one time if I really understood what I was doing), and carried on. I'm glad because it left the door open and I felt free to go to them when he showed his true colours.

I'd guess there may be more than meets the eye about this 'incident' three years ago if your family is still holding it against him, especially if he's gotten help and been sober since then. Trying to put myself in their shoes, unless your family is anti-alcohol on principle, the only thing I can think of is that this 'incident' involved domestic abuse or violence in some form. That I'd find hard to forgive and/or forget!

If what I think is correct, then your fiancé has a long and tough row to hoe to prove himself. It's more than just not drinking. It's acknowledging and making amends to those whom the alcoholic has hurt or caused distress. Has he done that?

Bluelady · 04/07/2018 15:15

I completely get this. Can you explain to your mum how much this means to you? This is the kind of thing that makes me even sadder about not having a daughter, it would be an absolute honour and privilege to help her get ready for her wedding.

crispysausagerolls · 04/07/2018 16:22

Of course if that’s what you want and the relationship you have, your mother should be there. Mine was with me from the night before. But that’s us.

HOWEVER I get the sense that the incident you describe involved DV. And therefore I can understand if you are not getting the level of support you expect or want. My mother was with me as she adores DH, but if I had married my abusive ex I am not 100% sure she would have attended; let alone been as involved or supportive.

Rather than texting please just go and see her in person to discuss and understand what’s really going on.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 04/07/2018 17:02

There was a drunken incident 3 years ago that caused us to split for a month. The course of true love never runs smooth. However, he has not touched a drop of alcohol since and is a changed man. Sad that some people cannot see it in their hearts to give people a second chance

When I was a teen, my now XH seemed lovely, but we had a couple of 'incidents' before getting married (when I should have run). Like your Dad, a few of my friends and family didn't attend.
If this is what has happened with you and your Fiancé and you've told your family what he did, then maybe your DM is just trying to do the bare minimum now because she is dead against your wedding, but knows you'll just dig your heels in that "he's changed".