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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ungrateful friend

45 replies

cranberrymoon · 04/07/2018 11:23

Yes I could just be being stuffy but my friend never says thanks for anything!

She comes round for dinner, I cook nice food we have a fun evening and no thank you the next day or anything.

Last month it was her birthday she came round in the afternoon for cake etc. I took some trouble to make it a nice experience champagne, made a cake and some other bits, and got what I thought was a thoughtful present. She didn't thank me for the present at the time, as she was leaving or even a text later on. Nothing! She is godmother to my dd , was a bridesmaid and we have been close but this sort of lack of gratitude pisses me off. She didn't even bother to get dd an Xmas present. It's not a present for a present but we always get her a gift, which she doesn't thank me for...

Our lives have moved in different directions in the past few years, I'm married with kids and she is single and moves jobs a lot. She hasn't had much luck dating and is a bit lonely and a tad depressed. I try to be a good friend, asking how dates have been, how is the new job, let's go to the cinema etc. She often bails on plans she has organised at the last minute. I purposefully don't talk about the kids much. But she always has little digs about my children, what I've been doing, my messy house etc.

I know that I should probably sever some ties but often we have a great time together. But some of the above behavior does make me question if this is worth pursuing?

OP posts:

Caribou58 · 04/07/2018 11:26

I'd cut her loose, personally, but others may well disagree.

0nTheEdge · 04/07/2018 11:41

I'd phase her out, it sounds like it's happening organically anyway. It doesn't need a total fall out, meet up if you still want to if it comes up, etc. I'd stop buying gifts, not out of pettiness but because if it never seems to be appreciated and isn't reciprocated, then it's easy enough to just stop to prevent resentment.

SandAndSea · 04/07/2018 11:41

I've had all sorts of relationships over the years. I look back at those which were a little like you describe and wonder why I put up with it for so long. For sure, I would recommend taking a step back and focussing more on things and people you enjoy. You might find things improve with her, or maybe she'll ease out over time. Either way's good.

Willow2017 · 04/07/2018 11:42

She sounds like she is way too self obsessed. Doesnt say thank you for anything seems like she feels entitled to have you do things for her with no reason for her to do anything in return.
And as for the sly digs at your kids and house nope i would be telling her not to bother coming back if its that bad. What does ahe expect? To have you at her back and call not actually having a life with your family?

I would really distance myself. I cant be bothered with people who think the world revolves around them and keep cancelling things last minute thinking you dont matter at all. Oh and stop buying her nice things and pampering her if she doesnt appreciate anything.

WhiteLily83 · 04/07/2018 11:44

I’m harsh and cut people off pretty quickly as I don’t have time for people that take the pi$$ but actually why don’t you just talk to her? If you’re that good friends? Just see if she’s ok then if you get no response etc then just stop inviting her round/texting her etc. Life is too short (and she sounds an expensive friend)!

girlywhirly · 04/07/2018 11:45

My first thought was what does she do for you? Because it sounds as though she is just taking and not reciprocating. I also wonder if this comes across when she goes on dates, a few times in and the guys decide she isn’t making any real effort and is unappreciative.

It sounds as though your friendship is on her terms, she chooses or not to socialise and I don’t like the ‘little digs’ about your home and DC. She sounds petty and jealous. Is it worth it to you to keep up a relationship like this for the sake of a few great times? I’d stop the presents and cooking for her as she clearly isn’t going to do the same for you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2018 11:46

If you do decide to cut her loose, as @Caribou58 suggests, maybe you could be direct with her?

"Listen, Beryl - you know I care about you, and I enjoy our time together - but have you realised you never say thank you for anything? You don't thank me for meals I cook, presents I give you, champagne on your birthday - nothing. I'm afraid I find that very rude."

Maybe she will realise she has been rude, apologise, and start saying thank you - and you will keep a friendship - or maybe she will get stroppy and defensive and you will lose a friend who you were planning to phase out anyway - but you will have closure because you have told her what was bothering you.

AussieOzborn · 04/07/2018 11:47

So when you are handing the present over to her does she say nothing and just stares at it?

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 11:48

You’re obviously in very different life stages right now so probably being more occasional friends would do you both some good.

Sounds like she’s always been the same in terms of ungratefulness so perhaps if you do want to stay good friends it’s a good idea for you to lower your expectations and then you will feel less affected and disappointed by her.

I’ve had some friendships that have really hurt me and which I held on for too long, but in hindsight I realize it’s best not to take things too personally and just be you, be kind, and if the friendship doesn’t bring you happiness move apart and move on...

Miserysquared · 04/07/2018 11:52

I would think a thanks when someone hands you a gift would be sort of muscle memory...is she a little bit socially deaf at other times? Bit odd.

Original poster

cranberrymoon · 04/07/2018 11:56

When receiving the present before opening I think she may have said thanks but once opened she didn't say anything. Just another pithy comment. Even if I don't like something I'd say thank you at the time probs again when leaving and at least a text too.

I agree with what posters have said and thanks for the thoughtful responses. I do want to say something along the lines of what @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius suggested but I need to put on my big girl pants first ah!

I'm a bit concerned about her mental health and me having it out with her may not be good timing.

Interesting the date comment from @girlywhirly I think you are right. I've given up trying to give her advice on dating anymore.

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 04/07/2018 12:00

Friendships like relationships should be a two way thing. If I was getting very little from a friendship I would get ties.

Miserysquared · 04/07/2018 12:03

so she does say thanks when you give her presents. I think some people are just more awkward than others.

ShotsFired · 04/07/2018 12:04

As weird as it may sound, some people are just like that. Doesn't mean they don't appreciate it or like the gifts.

I have friends the other extreme - I have received thank you cards to thank me for thanking them!

Most people are in the middle and will verbally say thank you and/or send emails or texts.

IrmaFayLear · 04/07/2018 12:05

The different life stages thing is difficult.

I had a friend (well, still have, but more distant now) who was single when I was married with small dc. She never, ever asked about the dc, and I always met her away from home and behaved as if I were still single (well, minus the men!).

Fast forward a few years and she had a child. Well, never had there been a more wonderful, beautiful interesting child than her dd. She had one topic of conversation and still my dcs were these "non people" who did not make it into the conversation.

I had a lightbulb moment where I realised that I had been thoughtful enough not to talk about dh and the dcs, but she was not going to return the compliment.

Sarahjconnor · 04/07/2018 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cranberrymoon · 04/07/2018 12:12

is it better to say something or slowly decrease contact.... She takes criticism badly. She is the spoilt youngest child (who still heavily relies on her parents for moral support).

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 04/07/2018 12:14

It's rude. Honestly, on an emotional level what are you really getting from this friend....anything? Maybe just scale it back massively....meet up in town next time, scale back the gift. As a mum of older DC's who are by their nature quite 'taking' you will find that in time that your patience just runs dry with so called friends who are solely one-way traffic. You, quite rightly, will want friends who are nice to you every now and then!

girlywhirly · 04/07/2018 12:20

You say she moves jobs a lot, does she make any comments about not getting on with the other employees, or do you think she makes no effort to fit in and hands in her notice, or is even being asked to leave because her work is unsatisfactory?

HelenK73 · 04/07/2018 12:24

Definitely don't say anything!! I'm not one for burning bridges, just let things fizzle out naturally. I'd stop being the one making the effort and see how much you get back. I've had so many friendships that have been toxic like this over the years and as soon as I realised I didn't have to continue a friendship it was a massive load off.

Having been a first time mum in my early 40s it is painful to see friends have kids and settle down and it sounds like your friend is probably in this place too. But she isn't handling it very well if sh'e taking it out on you. She needs to sort her head out.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/07/2018 12:26

It sounds like you are always the one suggesting that you meet up, making arrangements, etc. How about not contacting her first, or making any suggestions about meeting up, and then seeing if she initiates anything? I think that will soon show whether she values the friendship and wants to see you (in which case you can gently tell her the things that you find thoughtless/rude) or you may find that the friendship just fizzles out. I hate the expression but it seems apt - leave the ball in her court.

Nizuc · 04/07/2018 12:33

I have a selfish relative who I have been NC and LC over the last 20 years. During the LC years it was always me that made contact and would call with cards and gifts on birthdays and Christmas.

Current situation was LC. It was Christmas and I phoned to say I was passing and would call in with a card and small gift. (I phoned in advance as a test).

Called by, handed over card and gift and all she said" suppose I won't see you again for a while??" She didn't even give me a card let alone a gift. By phoning in advance I thought it may give her time to write me a card, but no, she couldn't be bothered with me - it's just her. We are now NC again.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2018 12:35

I would distance myself from her, you sound like your doing the giving, and she is doing all the taking without any appreciation.yes I understand she is depressed, but there is no reason to be nasty. At this rate she will have no friends. Don't do anything for her, just gradually pull back.

girlywhirly · 04/07/2018 12:38

OP, that says a lot. Spoilt, entitled, can dish out criticism but can’t take it herself. No wonder she has no lasting relationships. If you don’t want a big row I’d make very little effort, let her contact you and see how long it takes. Cut out presents, don’t do any of the inviting. If she does get in touch, don’t drop everything to see her if it isn’t convenient for you. I think meeting somewhere neutral where you aren’t making all the effort, but don’t be surprised when she bales.

spanishwife · 04/07/2018 12:39

If it were me I'd call or text the next day "Great to see you yesterday! Did you enjoy/like X then?" and then slowly get to the point that they didn't really say thanks... If you're going to phase her out anyway then worth a shot!

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