Funeral attendance etiquette

[Sadandlonelyoldfriend]

Bumped into someone who was a very good friend once apon a time this week that told me her husband had died recently. We was all very close years ago and since our friendship has fizzled out into just catching up two or three times a year So i still saw her dh.

I have expressed my grief at his passing, said I’m there for her but nothing has been said about how, when where he died. No mention of funeral. I can’t stop bursting into tears and would have liked to say goodbye but I am presuming if she wanted me to know, I’d know.

So, normally when people die and I’m welcome at the funeral, I’m made aware of the date. As I haven’t been, I’m possibly not close enough as a friend. Some people have close friends and family only or family.

Funeral arrangements are usually posted in the local paper. You don't tend to get invited. It's a thing you go to if you feel you'd like to.

Have you checked local paper or facebook? It's also usually posted in a shop window here as well/

Maybe it already happened

Usually, you tell close family and friends of the arrangements, but don't tell other people unless they ask. It's expected that more peripheral people will say "can you let me know about the funeral arrangements?" if they want to be there.

At your sad news.

Hope you are able to pay your respects in the way you would like to be able to.

So sorry you found out about your friends death like this. It sounds as though you might have missed the funeral. I think the best thing you can do is to write a letter to the widow expressing your condolences, maybe asking if there was a charity her husband supported to send a donation in his memory. Maybe add in a couple of reminiscences about him. Perhaps suggest you could meet up one day when she feels up to it. Then leave the next move up to her.

Thanks for the replies. I sent card and flowers as soon as she told me. I think the funeral possibly has been and gone. I don’t know exactly when he died. Just the time frame that he was alive the last time we texted. Friend said she wrote to me but I didn’t get any post. I live in a tiny street and know all my neighbours and any lost mail would have been put through my door by them. Plus we text and talk on messenger so I do get the feeling she didn’t want me know at the time because no further details was offered up after I said I didn’t get the post.
I have said to let me know if she wants to catch up whenever she feels up to it. I haven’t asked any questions, just expressed my sorrow and that he was a lovely man, lovely father and always so happy and joking. In fact in crying again now.
Do I leave her alone for now? The idea of donating to a charity in his name is a nice idea, how long should I leave to ask this?
I don’t know how I feel like I will ever get to say my own goodbye right now. Can’t belive It really.

Do I leave her alone for now?

Ask her to lunch or offer to go out for coffee with her. Just knowing that you are there and thinking of her is the nicest thing you can do for her.

It's possible she's muddled from grief. It does happen. I know it makes things difficult for you, but unless you have reason to think otherwise, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Not all funerals go in the paper and some can be sometime after the death. There are websites where you can search notices in all local papers so you could do a search and find out if a notice was posted - it is optional there's no obligation to post a notice. When a family member died last year no one was notified due to the circumstances (nothing in papers, no funeral) and it was all brushed under the carpet deliberately. I found out by accident, it does effect your grieving process I know.

I'd suggest being led by her in terms of meeting up, but if she doesn't reply within a couple of weeks then perhaps try and arrange for a coffee - but be prepared to be led by her, she may or may not want to talk about him and may become upset.

I've gone to funerals where I only knew the person who died, and, I even been to ones where I didn't know the person who died but wanted to support others who went. Once I went to the wrong funeral altogether!

Lots of ways to say goodbye.

If you think it would be appropriate to you go to a church and spend some quiet time there.

Or go to a park or other beautiful place and sit on a bench for a while to say goodbye.

Write him a letter saying goodbye , thanks for being my friend , then burn the letter or tear it up and throw it into moving water.

Make a list of things you liked about him.

Take a bunch of flowers , write on a card please take these flowers and remember my friend, leave them on a bench.

Buy a plant and put it in your garden.

Contact the woodland trust and buy a tree.

Find a good picture of him , put it in a frame and have it on your desk for a week or two until the memory is a bit less painful .

I think you should stand back a bit and think about what has happened in her life.

Her husband has died.
You weren't close friends anymore.

She has enough to think about, a card and flowers are sufficient.

Let it rest.

And don't go asking which charity you can donate to.
Leave it be.

I agree ^

In the nicest possible way, I think that you are being a little bit self-indulgent. The husband of a friend you have lost touch with has died. That is sad, and I don't doubt that your sadness is entirely genuine.
But your grief is nothing compared to hers. She may have intended to have invited you to the funeral and forgotten - goodness knows she has other things to think about. Probably she would have assumed that anyone who wanted to go would just go. As PP have said, you rarely get invites to a funeral.
Sometimes when we hear of someone dying it brings up fears about our own mortality or a transference of feelings about someone else who has died, or perhaps a relationship lost, or some other worry we have. Could this be what is upsetting you?
While it is perfectly natural to be sad at the news of the death of someone you know and like, do you think that your reaction is a more than you would normally expect? This is not in any way a criticism. Sometimes things hit us when we least expect it. We cry over the death of a pet, for example, because we didn't cry when we got dumped by a partner.
It's nice that you want to be there for your friend. Concentrate on that. But as you have not been in her life for a while, I would take it slow, Drop her a line once a week, and make the occasional offer of a coffee.
If you want to make a donation in his name, do it privately. No need whatsover to ask her about it.
I'm sorry that you are so upset about this.

What planet said ^

My husband passed recently and the amount of people that make it about themselves rather than the family itself is unbelievable. Just like this poster - you don't have to go to a funeral to pay your respects.

Ah viques those are lovely ideas

People turn a bit crazy after a death .always . Do what she said and do your own little ceremony to bid him well x

Contact her again. Let her know you would like to go to the funeral if it hasn’t already happened. Tell her you’d like to meet up for a coffee. Or just drop by. Unless she’s a very private person, she may appreciate the company. Then you can ask. Don’t be shy.

Or just drop by.
I really wouldn't - if OP is in floods of tears all the time this is probably the last thing that the friend would want. When you're grieving you don't want to have to cope with someone crying everywhere.

I’m not more upset than when any other friend in my life has died. But I am upset. The last few reply’s are why I was worried to ask her. If she hasn’t told me, I’m not intended to know and asking to pay respects would be for my benefit and selfish.
I think your right. I need to get over it and move on. It’s been years since we last did things like go on holidays together so i am possibly just living in the past.

Possibly it is the death of your friendship you are mourning, then?
I have just noticed that your user name says sad and lonely old friend. Is your loneliness a factor here?
It may very well be a good time to renew your friendship, but you will need to be prepared to take it very slowly and back away if your friend wants you to.
My sympathies to you both.

Nike
Obviously not in floods of tears. If she can’t hold it together it would be a bad idea. I’m assuming she’s not crying 24/7.

Yes it is partly grief over our friendship too as if I hadn’t bumped into her then I don’t know when she would have told me. We would have next meet up after school holidays was over or this month before they broke up.
I guess I still think of her as a friend but we are just aqaintances now and I hadn’t realised that until this week. Most friendships either last or just completely fizzle out. Maybe I’m holding on and she wants to move on.

You may be reading too much into it. She will be in a complete daze, not thinking anything at all.
I doubt very much whether, at this moment in her life, she has given any thought at all to moving on from your friendship.
Give her some time, and continue to offer her your friendship. If she doesn't take up your offers, then perhaps your relationship belongs in the past and you will have the consolation of knowing that you tried to help her in her time of need. If she does take up your offers, then you might have an opportunity to renew your relationship and support your friend at the same time.
But do please stop thinking that she is hiding things from you or wanting to move on from you. She will be numb for a long time and really quite incapable of making decisions like this.
Good luck

Can you google his name or their local paper or something to see if details were posted?

Then you might at least know the dates of the funeral and such, and this might help you make a judgement on what's going on for your friend now.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend