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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with dh, and leave dc’s at home?

54 replies

Bluecube1 · 03/07/2018 21:35

Quick summary, it’s been a tough few years. My mum critically ill twice. Dealing with grandmother having Alzheimer’s and moving to residential care. Estranged father passing away. Business closing as main client defaulted on payments. All of this meant moving back home, 2 hours away and uprooting kids schooling. Whilst lurching from one crisis to another I’ve had no real time with dh when I haven’t been stressed or preoccupied. Wibu to book us a week away to reconnect?

OP posts:
magimedi · 04/07/2018 08:49

YANBU - go & have a great time. It is more important for your children to have parents in a happy marriage than a holiday.

I am sure one of the reasons we've had 35 years of a happy marriage was taking holidays on our own (had great grandparents who cared for DC & DC loved going there).

ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates · 04/07/2018 08:49

I've never understood why parents feel so guilty about taking a break without the kids. They will be with their grandparents and will be safe and loved. It's important that you have time together to reconnect and rediscover each other. The children will benefit greatly from having parents with a strong bond. You've had a rough time and deserve a break x

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/07/2018 08:49

I'm very sorry you have had such a hard time. But I wouldn't. I agree that your children have been through a lot too. And (putting on my hard hat) I don't really agree with parents taking couple holidays without their children, unless during that time the children are doing something else that they want to do/would have been doing anyway (activity week away, camp, invited to stay with beloved grandparents, etc.) In other words, I think parents' holiday should be arranged around what the children are doing rather than the children being arranged around what the parents want to do. When I have time off it's not my priority to spend it without my children.

I also don't think holidays without children are essential for 'reconnecting', while they may help recovery from a tough time. It's great if they can happen, but sometimes they can't.

DeadGood · 04/07/2018 08:50

I wouldn’t even think twice. You’re in a rare position to be able to holiday without your kids - enjoy it. They’ll have fun too.

Parker231 · 04/07/2018 08:51

DH and I have regularly had holidays without the DC’s. We also have a night out each week- usually dinner and a chance to chat. We were a couple before we were parents and it’s important to have ‘us’ time. We had amazing family holidays so DC’s haven’t missed out.

TheHobbitMum · 04/07/2018 08:53

I make sure DH & I have a child free break at least every 18mths. The DC have plenty of holidays with us so don't miss out and I thi k it's important to remember we are a couple and not just parents. Go for it!

TheAntiBoop · 04/07/2018 08:54

How old are the kids?
How are they doing with the changes?
Who would look after them?
Can you afford it?

NC4T · 04/07/2018 08:57

We have two nights away a couple of times a year. On the morning of the last day we always make plans for a long leisurely lunch etc but end up zooming straight home after breakfast, we are really missing the kids by then. DH more than me as I am at home with them more. Also I don't think our parents could more than two nights, especially with the toddler.

So it's too long for me and I think you might surprise yourself how much you miss them, but if you'd be fine with it then go. Bring them back a good present!

Kit10 · 04/07/2018 08:59

AnElderleyLady

I think opinions like yours are why there are so many entitled children growing up thinking they must be the centre of the universe who then struggle with teenage years and adulthood when they realise the real world isn't like that because your mummy won't be your manager or lecturer or landlord.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/07/2018 09:00

Depends on how shaky your marriage is. If you’re having problems and you think reconnecting will save it then it’s worth the effort. If your marriage is strong then sorry, but I think a holiday without the DC is selfish.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/07/2018 09:01

Sorry, that came out mean, I just think that you could all do with a holiday Smile

user1493413286 · 04/07/2018 09:02

Go for it; I don’t see why you have to justify it as long as your children are being looked after well while you’re away then what’s the problem

Kit10 · 04/07/2018 09:02

My imaginary

Why wait until a marriage is weak? Why not keep it strong in the first place?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/07/2018 09:04

I think so. How old are the dc?

Summersup · 04/07/2018 09:05

My parent went away every single year for one week, just the two of them, we went to stay with my grandparents. I have no idea why people think being with a partner is 'selfish', it seems to me a very basic need and fun as well, and if the children are old enough to mind themselves or you can get them to have a lovely week elsewhere, who loses in this situation?

LittlePaintBox · 04/07/2018 09:06

Just a note of hope for those who don't have childcare or money to take time away to 'reconnect' - we didn't, and have somehow managed to be absolutely fine since the kids grew up and left us on our own again!

OP - if a couple holiday would help you recover from a tough time, have a couple holiday - kids tend to accept whatever is happening in their family as the norm, so I don't suppose they'll turn a hair.

NordicNobody · 04/07/2018 09:07

Your kids are obviously school age, I doubt you plan to leave then chained up in the garden - I say go for it. There was a thread a few days ago about a women going on week long holidays without her 2 year old multiple times a year + weekends away and everyone was adamant that they would never ever judge so I'm sure no one will judge you either 😉 Sorry you've had such a crap run lately.

Blueisland · 04/07/2018 09:08

Also putting your marriage and happiness first is also good for your children. It makes them confident to know their parents enjoy being together and parents modelling self-care is a great example. Self-flagellating, guilty, martyr-types don’t help the kids. this is especially the case for women. Confident mums who put themselves first (within reason of course) encourage girls to be independent and confident and set an example for boys to respect women as individuals (rather than house-maids).

Notonthestairs · 04/07/2018 09:26

I dont think that the ages of the children are as important as who will be looking after them and how comfortable they are with that person. The only other caveat would be whether you can afford a second holiday all together as it sounds like you could all benefit from one.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/07/2018 09:29

I'd go. Yes your dc have been through a lot too and could probably do with some time but if you all go it won't be what your relationship needs and if you don't make an effort to work on your relationship with your dh then unfortunately the children could be going through even more. Sometimes you need to do what others perceive to be selfish to preserve the long term situation.

waterrat · 04/07/2018 09:30

go for it OP! presumably they will be in school/ nursery for much of that time?

Modern life is so stressful - the time will fly by for them. TBH I would probably go for 4 days rather than a week but I think you should do watever you want.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/07/2018 09:46

DH and I have been away alone without DS, exactly two times in 13 years. Those were actually arranged around DS . He was away on school trips that were 3-4 hours drive away both times. He has ASHD and ASD so we booked those days off work and booked somewhere within a 1hr drive of where DS was staying on each of the trips in case we were called to collect him (a real possibility that was stated by the school).

We weren't called either time and had lovely holidays that I still remember as the best holidays we have had over the last 13 years. Holidaying with DS is often a bit stressful for various reasons and requires a lot of planning which weren't necessary when it was just DH and me. Of course we didn't have any other children to think about at the time so it was a no brainer.

In retrospect I wish we had gone away more but DS didn't like being left when he was younger.

In answer to the OP - I am sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Each family is different and if you feel your marriage could do with a chance for you and your DH to reconnect and remember why you got together in the first place (the breaks certainly did that for me) then take a break but as others have said a long weekend or a Mon to Fri break is probably enough time. It is better to come home wanting more than to wish you could come home earlier.

There is also the possibility that the break might not go too well, sometimes spending time together can reveal cracks in a relationship that aren't immediatley obvious when there is a lot of other things going on to keep you distracted - keeping it short in that case is probably good as well though there will be things to talk about in that case of course. Hopefully it is the former for you and your DH.

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 04/07/2018 10:39

Yeah like most have said, we need more info to be able to give our opinion OP.

How old are the kids?
Who would be looking after them?
Will they get a holiday too?
Does it have to be a week or can you split into some time with DH/some with kids?

Original poster
Bluecube1 · 04/07/2018 11:21

Thank you for all your replies. Kids are 5, 6 and 10. They would looked after by grandparents ( who will spoil them) and be at school. Because we lived away from family they were not aware of everything that happened, and all are settled after our move.

OP posts:
GoodFortuneAttendThee · 04/07/2018 11:27

The biggest harm to your little ones are two parents who are burnt out from stress, and whose own relationship then suffers, not being left with people who love them for a week while parents get a much needed break. Please do go, enjoy it and don't feel guilty. Your little ones will be fine, and you will benefit hugely, and by extension so will your dc's.

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