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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What could I have said to keep safe?

47 replies

hellokittymania · 03/07/2018 21:02

Hi, I just had a bit of a scary encounter coming back from Hampstead Heath. I am visually impaired, and I look very young. Anyway, a lady came over when I was alone and asked me if I had seen any boys, they had just robbed her. She said they took her oyster card and everything else, and kept going on about how they had taken her money. I was on my own, and I just said I would help her, but we needed to walk to the train station. we were walking, and anyway she kept going on and on about they had taken her electricity key or something. I was very suspicious, so I was trying to think of what to do. Anyway, at one point she said she had asthma, could I pay for her taxi. I said let’s get to the station. She then called somebody on her phone, even though I doubt she called anyone. And she was asking them if it was cheaper to buy a ticket then buy a new oyster I kept saying to her let’s go to the station and talk to somebody. Anyway, when we reach the station, of course she found her oyster card and was telling me it had nothing on it. I insisted we found a member of staff, and the member of staff said she had 10 pound 50 on her oyster card. She then asked me if I could buy her a drink, give her money for her electricity. Both of which I said no. So she left.

sometimes, it’s very difficult to see when people are genuine or not. I have to guess, and today, since I was on my own, and nobody was around, I didn’t know what to do. I could have gone back to the café that I had just left, and I did think about it, but I didn’t know how I could have asked for help discreetly. I also didn’t know if she was genuine or not, so I didn’t know what to do

Is there a way I can handle this if it ever happens again? By the way, I am OK, she didn’t take anything of mine. I really really was very careful not to open my bag, take out my phone. Anything like that.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 03/07/2018 21:03

You did the right thing. You kept walking and headed for the station. Hold firm, say no sorry I can’t help and keep walking.

Everdeen · 03/07/2018 21:05

I would just say a firm no from the start. If they're genuine they'll ask someone else, who doesn't have a disability like you do that makes these situations difficult to judge and potentially dangerous.

bippo · 03/07/2018 21:05

That sounds scary OP. I used to walk home via the Heath and there were always a few oddballs about. Thanks

I think I would say that someone was waiting for me at the station/somewhere close by to hopefully put them off sticking with me.

Would the lady have known you were visually impaired?

Jayfee · 03/07/2018 21:06

You handled it all very well. You seem to have strong instincts

hammeringinmyhead · 03/07/2018 21:07

Honestly? I would say I'm sorry, I can't help, and walk off. I just don't trust anyone. You don't have to be polite.

If I had been mugged I would go to the station myself, not approach a random.

hellokittymania · 03/07/2018 21:08

Yes, it’s very obvious that I’m visually impaired and I have a cane. I was closer to the café, and I really thought about going there. But if she had been genuine, I would have felt really bad asking for help. Yes, it’s very hard to judge sometimes if people are genuine or not.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 03/07/2018 21:12

It was awful for you to have been in this position, it does sound like a scam or someone trying their luck and it disgusts me that they would pick on someone vulnerable. I glad you're ok!

Freetogo · 03/07/2018 21:12

You could maybe make a fake phone call & say "Im ready to be picked up"

Or call a member of staff over to 'help' the person. Im sure they will soon scarper.

I hope you are o.k.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 03/07/2018 21:16

Ah, the old 'I have had some tragedy befall me today and could you lend me money for a taxi' scam...you did much better than I did OP as a woman pulled this scam on me when I first moved to north London and I fell for it. I knew it was a scam afterwards as she had knocked on my door and I was able to watch her casually saunter off down the street, no taxi in sight. A similar thing happened to my mother in the park.

And even if it wasn't a scam you still had the right to say no. You did well to keep your boundaries. It's sad that we have to make a decision as to whether someone is genuine or not but good to be aware and your insistence that you continue to the station was a very good idea...I find that being very firm and resolute helps as they are looking for people they perceive as vulnerable Flowers

hellokittymania · 03/07/2018 21:17

Free to go, when the staff member looked at her oyster card and told her she had 10 pound 50, she then asked me if I could buy her a drink or electricity. I said no I can’t, and then she left. But she was trying to avoid finding a staff member. I really pushed and I said that I needed help for myself, and she said, oh, I can help you onto the platform. I said no, I want to the staff member. And it’s obvious that I can’t read the machine, so she was telling me when we were alone that there was no money on her oyster card.

I am OK, just upset. I was having a really nice afternoon, and I went to a café I haven’t been to in a long time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/07/2018 21:20

Do you have a friend who's always available that you could call with a pre-arranged message? So you could say, "I'm just checking you're going to be at the station" and she'll know that something's wrong. If you both have Find My Phone on your phones she'll be able to see where you are. She could have something to say that would mean "Do you need help?" so that she could call the police. You seem to be managing really well but obviously you are vulnerable if you are partially sighted and knowing someone can help immediately might make you feel better.

Noqont · 03/07/2018 21:26

I think you handled it well. But I think I would have returned to the cafe and asked someone else to help her. She wasn't afraid to ask you, so unless she was up to something, then she shouldn't be afraid of asking for help from others. Except that she clearly did ask you and potentially you could be more vulnerable. But I still think you handled it well.

hellokittymania · 03/07/2018 21:27

Hollow, that’s a good idea. Thank you. Do you know if the find my iPhone works even where the signal is very low? I have three as the phone company and the signal can be really bad in Hampstead. Plus, today, there was nobody around. I was nervous to even take out my phone in case she grabbed it. Unfortunately, this is the first time this is happened. It’s the first time in this particular situation, but I was followed twice in Singapore. I speak other languages, and one time, I had a Vietnamese lady sitting opposite from me, and I told her in Vietnamese not to leave me alone and that I needed help. So she stayed with me. Thank goodness, as the lady following me, actually followed us quite a distance before she got bored and she realized she wasn’t going to get away with whatever she had planned. If I run into somebody who I realize speaks another language, I will tell them in the other language that I need help. Sadly, there are people who want to do bad things. I know that. So I do what I do to keep myself safe.

OP posts:
chirpyburbycheapsheep · 03/07/2018 21:27

HollowTalk that's what crossed my mind but then would opening a bag and getting out a phone be a risk? I'm not surprised you are upset OP that is a really shitty thing that woman did.

LighthouseSouth · 03/07/2018 21:35

I'm afraid you have to see these people as never genuine.

if it happens again, suggest the person ask the pub if they can call the police from there.

Just say no, is the key thing here. I think they target women alone and especially young women - I have a baby face so still get targeted occasionally. She was just trying to get some cash out of you.

Candyflip · 03/07/2018 21:35

You did the right thing. I think if someone was genuine they would welcome help from officials, so taking her to station was a very good move. Try not to let it get to you or lose confidence, you totally did the right thing.

LighthouseSouth · 03/07/2018 21:36

and yes you did the right thing taking her to the station

I'd also advise that you don't take your phone out - I know Hampstead is a lot nicer than where I live but still, it's a really bad time for phone thefts.

PaintBySticker · 03/07/2018 21:39

Don’t feel bad OP. I think you handled that situation as well as anyone could have. I hate the ‘I just need money for a bus fare’ scammers - I’m cynical enough never to give money but softhearted enough to feel bad about it. The worst combination!

I’m sorry it’s left you feeling bad or that you should have judged better. Try to put it behind you.

onefootinthegrave · 03/07/2018 21:44

I think you did everything right OP, I'm sorry this happened to you today.

If anything like that happens in future, don't feel bad about going back into the cafe - because if that person was genuine they wouldn't mind going back with you and seeing if anyone else had seen the people that had mugged them, or could offer some help. This woman didn't sound genuine at all. It might be worth letting the cafe know that it's going on, so if she's doing it regularly on the heath they'll be aware.

If anything like that happens in the future, you could say something like, 'that's awful, hang on let me call my friend who's on his way to meet me to see how far away he is, he's a martial arts expert - he'll sort them out if they're still around' Grin

Or fib and say that you're meeting friends, so they think someone's going to come along any second. That might separate the genuine from the scammers. Or if anyone else is passing by, ask them for help too.

It's a shitty thing that we live in a world where people will target someone that may look more vulnerable than others - I say this as my teenage son has aspergers and looks like he's in his own world most of the time. When he's walking in front of me and people don't realise we're together, I've often seen people sizing him up and quickly shuffle off when they realise we're together. It's so unfair.

I sometimes walk to and from work (Cricklewood to Kentish Town) and prefer the walk across the heath rather than the backstreets & Haverstock Hill. But since I've had problems with my back and know I can't run like I used to I do feel a bit more nervous than I used to on places like the heath (was flashed there twice, by the same man a couple of months apart).

Now you're home have a nice cup of tea and just remember that most people will help you and not hurt you.

Flowers
Sarahjconnor · 03/07/2018 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenda · 03/07/2018 21:46

It sounds like you did the right thing and totally had your wits about you. A podcast I listen to talks about safety a lot and one of their phrases is "fuck politeness". I thought of this reading your post. If you had gone back to the cafe, the worst you could have done is slightly offend someone looking for help and that's ok because your safety is your prerogative. I think lots of us could avoid tricky situations by being a bit less polite!

Sorry this happened to you. there are some really shitty people in this world, im glad you outsmarted one today!

littlemisscomper · 03/07/2018 21:49

I really like that idea Hollow. As chirpy says it could be a risk if they're desperate enough to snatch your phone. You could perhaps have a fictitious husband or strapping son walking to meet you.

Randomer: Can you help me, someone's stolen my bag with all my money in it!
You: That's too bad, I'm sorry. I'm just heading to the cafe/shop/station/wherever's close and habitated (testing the waters)
Randomer: Could you lend me some money?
You: Let's get to the cafe/shop/station. My husband/strapping teenage son is walking to meet me so we'll see if he can help
Randomer at this point either calms down at the thought of help, or gets more agitated and insistent because they're trying it on and realise you're more vulnerable alone. If the former get to the nearest shop/cafe/station and hand her firmly over to a member of staff. If the latter and randomer is getting more fidgety and demanding remind her your husband/strapping son is walking to meet you and will be with you any minute and then use the phone strategy Hollow suggested, making out you're calling him and tell randomer he's just up ahead. That should either scare her off or if she insists on following you at least gives you a chance to get to where it's populated. If you feel really threatened have a code word for your friend to dial 999.

It's sad to think you can't trust everyone, especially when you're more vulnerable than most. Hopefully it was just a one off but any more incidences like that do report them to the police. They shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

hellokittymania · 03/07/2018 21:54

Thankfully, I don’t meet too many people like this. I have never had problems on the Heath until today.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2018 21:56

You are visually impaired. Imo it’s less likely that someone genuine would ask you for help because they’d see you as someone more vulnerable and wouldn’t want to upset you.

You handled yourself really well and should be very proud of how you acted today.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/07/2018 21:56

Hi, Hellokitty, we've actually spoken on a thread before (I have a dc who is severely visually impaired.)
I'm sorry your experience has shaken you, but I think you did absolutely the right thing - to take the person to somewhere you knew other people would be.
I think that sadly this woman would have tried to take advantage of anyone who seemed to take interest in them.
You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up about it and don't overthink it. It could have been anyone, it just happened to be you. I would hate to think it will affect you and what you do with your life. Please don't let it. It's just one of those horrible things that happens. Thanks