(Bereavement) to ask how long for the "what's the point" feeling to go?

[emptyempty]

Just that really.

If you have been recently bereaved, roughly how long does it take for that "what is the point of anything?" feeling to lessen?

I'm not talking about completely getting over the sadness and grief - but that base feeling of absolutely everything in life is pointless and not wanting to do anything including go to work or go out or anything really.

I often question the point of life and all this grief - it brings it all home to you a lot more when somebody passes away.
Everyone is different, some people never recover from somebody dying - i know someone who lost her parents in her early 20s and 30 + years later still cannot come to terms with it
. I miss my mum and she died 8 years ago, but i know that life goes on and you have to carry on, plus she had a long life and a happy one, so that also makes a difference
. If somebody dies unexpectedly , that must be much harder to deal with of course, or somebody who is taken too soon. each circumstance is different.
There isnt any 'time limit' to grief unfortunately.
In the Uk we don't discuss death enough.

Took me over 5 years to get any amount of enthusiasm for anything back. I'm still not the person I was 20 years on but much much better than I was.

It really depends OP

Losing my father was awful but it was happening and we had to get back on the horse .
Losing a close friend was traumatic and hit me for a few months as was so shocking and brutal

But losing a child ? Fuck . I would struggle .

Sorry to parkside there are no words to express for you

It's so different- depending on your relationship with the person who died, their age and circumstances of their death, your age and circumstances etc etc etc.
My mum died when she was44 and I was 14. I had 7 years of crippling depression- right through my teenage years and university, then a slow climb to something more bearable but I've never been happy since (over35 years ago...)
When my dad died he was 78. I accepted that he had led and enjoyed his life and it was time to go. I felt no pointlessness/ depression though I was terribly sad. My grief was 'normal'.
When my husband died it was a complete relief- he destroyed himself, and nearly destroyed me and my DSs in the process. My depression lifted and I was able to reorganise our lives quickly.

Took me about 18 months to get it together after my Mum died. Lost interest in everything - work, relationship, hobbies, appearance - the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning was to take the dogs out. The ‘fuck it’ attitude persisted though, in particular work was never the same, couldn’t take it seriously enough.

It saddens me that people on this thread have felt it necessary to qualify their points with ‘I know this isn’t anything close to losing a child, but when I lost my parent/sibling/best friend...’

Grief isn’t a hierarchy. It affects everyone differently. Someone else losing their child doesn’t mean your experience or losing your parent hurts any less. Someone else losing their parent doesn’t mean the loss of your grandparent won’t deeply upset and affect you.

You can’t really quantify it. There is no hierarchy. If you’ve lost a loved one you don’t need to qualify your experience with ‘but I know it’s not as bad as this other person’s experience’ 💛

I’ve read a lot of threads about bereavement on here since losing Dad three years ago, but this is the one that makes me feel least alone. I can cope with the sadness that he’s gone (I mean, it’s awful but feels manageable), but the way it has completely changed my interior life has shocked me. I didn’t expect to have such a huge change in my relationship with myself.

I’d really recommend the podcasts Griefcast and Grief works. They make you feel more normal.

Four years after my dad died I had a moment where I felt a weight lifting from me and I knew I could get on with my life. I never had grief counselling but I think now that I should have done. I have lost someone else close since and it's something that I still need to do.
for everyone on this thread.

This is such a shockingly sad thread. to all those suffering through their bereavements. I have not lost anyone close to me, so i don't have an experience to share. My mother suffered a life changing stroke 2 years ago and that kickstarted some changes (for the good) in me, getting my life more in order and realising that we can't take it all for granted. My dh recently lost his father after many years of a life limiting illness, but he seems ok. It has made me think that perhaps he is not as ok as he seems and the terrible tiredness that he is now suffering is a form of grief?

It was exactly a year to start feeling better and like the black cloud had gone.. it was once all the birthdays, christmas, milestones had passed in the first year and then it was the day after the anniversary of my dads death and I felt a weight lift, like it was a new start.

I was knocked sideways by grief a few years back, I had no idea how terrible it is. I felt so hopeless that I tried to take my own life.

What helped was actually the ‘fuck it’ attitude - I had a rule for a few months that I’d only do a thing if I a) absolutely had to or b) wanted to. I completely changed my career and started doing something I love. I started indulging more in my interests and made a lot of new friends. I lost some shyness and felt fine about telling a stranger in the street that I liked her dress or an actor that I’d enjoyed their show. I think it also made me more empathetic and a more positive person.

Bereavement counselling arranged by my GP helped, as did the kindness of friends and family. I hope this helps you a little, I’m afraid you have to ‘serve your time’ with grief. Be kind to yourself. Don’t make any massive changes straight away, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to realise that work isn’t everything and that loved ones - and your own well-being - are more important.

Same here Blue. Obviously would rather have my dad back but he's gone and I'm happy that it has changed me in great ways. I don't feel shyness or social awkwardness in any situation now. I feel more empathy for people. I feel bonded to all the other people who have lost someone. I don't care if anyone doesn't like me or thinks I'm fat. I now go through life smiling at everyone and chatting to strangers and saying yes to more invitations.

@LeslieKnopesWaffle

I have felt such nihilism ever since, it's completely changed the way I feel about everything. I don't see the point in anything anymore, I still do everything like I always did but I just think it's all stupid and pointless.

This is exactly EXACTLY how I feel right now - except that I'm failing to "still do everything". I am trying but not functioning. I am dreading getting emails at work complaining about why I haven't done XYZ. I feel like I could do with some time off but don't think I can manage it for financial reasons.

I felt stupid for being so upset over losing somebody that had had a great long life and a peaceful death. Writing this is making me feel stupid because how can I compare my bereavement which was "ideal" to the horror of losing a child or sibling?

It's heartbreaking for me to read this. As someone said above, there is no hierarchy in grief; it is all to do with the closeness and importance of a relationship. Plenty of children and parents sadly have fraught abusive relationships where a dead may mean little to one or the other. Plenty of siblings hate each other. Plenty of friendships are closer than some siblings. Plenty of pseudo-parental relationships (older relatives, mentor relationships) are closer than some actual parental relationships.

Death is just shit really.

I read an interview with the sister of Tara Palmer Tompkinson (who died earlier last year aged 45) where it said:

However, she concedes that after a loved-one dies you cross a bridge into a new life and cannot ever go back. “It does change you. It’s almost like Tara carved a deeper level into me and suddenly I see life in a different way. Life is precarious and you lose a bit of your joy.”

It is crossing a bridge and I want to go back in time.

My dad died really unexpectedly when I was in my early 30s. We didn't live nearby so there was no regular reminder that he'd gone so I don't think I accepted it.

The first 5 years were really hard and it wasn't until the 7th anniversary that I realised I was at peace with it.

my experience so far is as follows

lost my dad over a year ago and even now find it very difficult to talk about, have started to go bereavement counselling but so far has overall not a great experience and i would recommend careful vetting of counsellors before seeing a counsellor perhaps recommended by mumsnet or
friends and family. I am now in the process of changing counsellors making an already difficult process for me even more difficult.

I think the grief is so difficult to describe or talk about and for me and anyone else coping with grief, i am hoping too that eventually there is some light at the end.