(Bereavement) to ask how long for the "what's the point" feeling to go?

[emptyempty]

Just that really.

If you have been recently bereaved, roughly how long does it take for that "what is the point of anything?" feeling to lessen?

I'm not talking about completely getting over the sadness and grief - but that base feeling of absolutely everything in life is pointless and not wanting to do anything including go to work or go out or anything really.

@emptyempty
I had counselling 6mths after dd1 died. At first I couldn't talk about her and couldn't believe what had happened. Personally I found counselling very hard and upsetting at first. Eventually over the 18tmths I did open up and started to try to come to terms with what had happened. I would recommend counselling to anyone who is struggling with grief.

For the 6 weeks after my son was stillborn it was a case of getting through one hour at a time and it was hard work eating or other normal things. It was about 3 months before I could leave the house without crying and 6 before I felt any emotion other than existing. I think it was about 7 or 8 years before I felt some form of peace with it and didn't dread that time of year although I think I am at peace with it now - he is part of my history and always with me.

I went to cruse, a proper bereavement trainer counsellor with qualifications is crucial as anyone can call themselves a counsellor it’s not a protected title. If not cruse, check the register for the BABCP to ensure the person has had proper training and supervision, as a charlatan can do real harm.

Thanks Lyndsey that's helpful.

It's five months yesterday since Dh died. The 'fuck it i don't give a shit' feeling is always there though not on the whole at work when I'm seeing patients - any other work stuff is hard to care about. It also helps massively that I have done to keep going for so I can't give up just at the moment.

I had bereavement counselling from six weeks after Dh died for about 8 weeks. I think at that stage it was just about helping me cope day to day, but there's nothing wrong with that imo. I wouldn't want anyone to wait six months. My emotions and thoughts were all over the place and I even ended up stalking someone, but counselling helped me stop. I'm having psychotherapy now which is great.

LovelyBath77 it is totally, completely normal to feel the way you do. There’s absolutely no requirement or need to feel perky and happy and positive when you’re going through something like this, it’d be a bit unusual if you did. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad and hopeless and miserable, please don’t try and force your way out of feeling that way, you don’t need to. Just feel what you’re feeling 💛

annandale I suppose my thoughts are that counselling is a process designed to help someone process and come to terms with a life event they’re struggling with, so too early on and it’s ineffective for the reasons I mentioned. If it’s just purely as direct emotional support without any real counselling work involved you’re right. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not counselling per se and could be done by anyone who’s trained to offer emotional support (the samaritans for example).

The local mental health team to me doesn’t accept anyone for grief counselling unless it’s been a year as it’s been proven ineffective (in that people who have counselling before that time and people who don’t have counselling move through the grieving process in the same way, counselling makes no discernible difference other than perhaps feeling less alone, which like I say isn’t usually the role of counselling). The waiting lists were getting absolutely clogged with poor people who went to their GP after a loss, who obviously couldn’t do anything so referred them on to inappropriate counselling, which means others for whom counselling was appropriate were unable to access it.

I’m so sorry for your very recent loss x

My dad died recently, it was sooner than anticipated but we were expecting it. To be honest although i am devastated i am more relieved for him as he isnt suffering, some days i cry but mainly i just get on with things - when it hits though its like going full face on with a truck. I've also developed a fuck it attitude, am currently deliberating a job change after 10 years and have gone very much for the i could get hit by a bus tomorrow approach, bizarrely my husband who has always been extremely careful with cash has also adopted a similar attitude, where as he would previously have saved everything he said it made him realise life is for living. I think everyone copes differently, i would recomend counselling though if you are feeling really lost xx

After my daughter died (at birth), it took me 2 years to feel like myself again. I wish I'd known at the beginning that it would happen at all, but I was sure that I would never feel happy again, or even normal.

I had another baby very soon afterwards so I was really forced out of the "fuck it" phase, but I remember it so well.

It's been 17 months since my mum died, I still have a 'fuck it' attitude. For me I see it as the worst thing that could have happened in my life thus far has happened so anything else now just doesn't matter as much.

I just don't care about the same stuff I used to and I think for many people it's pretty normal. Everyone grieves in their own way, so many of us are caught up in the little things and suddenly one day those things no longer matter. I really wanted to punch anyone who told me 'oh time is a great healer' however time does for me anyway make things a little easier. My grief has found a place in me where it more comfortably resides than it used to.

for everyone. Such awful things to come to terms with.

Psychologically speaking we say 6 months, but in reality it takes as long as it takes. Don't rush it, make sure you take time to process things properly and then when the feelings finally lessen you can be fairly sure there won't be anything undealt with waiting to catch you out later.

to everyone on this thread. I am a recently trained volunteer bereavement listener for my local hospice and one of the things they stressed to us in training was that every case is different, there is no hard and fast rule about how long it will be before you feel anything like normal again, and it could well be a new kind of normal. It’s important to give yourself time, and don’t compare yourself to others who appear to get over grief more quickly. Don’t try to rush the process, you could store up problems for the future. You could contact your hospice to see if they provide a listening service, at ours it is free and you can have as many sessions as you need.

Sorry for your loss.

It’s completely individual. There is no set time frame and you can’t force grief to hurry up and go away. It goes in its own time. A lot also depends on the relationship you had with the person. If it was very close, it’s going to take quite a while.

I've been really struggling this week. I've done no work at all. I just sit there and brood. I have no motivation to do anything. And this is work I normally really enjoy and engage with.

I'm on prozac but to be honest it makes you feel even more 'don't care' in a way. Just a slightly more spacey kind of version

Please know that there are organisations out there who are ready and able to help you through bereavement. Cruse will give counselling to anyone who is bereaved, no matter how recently/long ago it happened, and for anyone who has experienced the loss of a child, Compassionate Friends is an amazing organisation. Please reach out and ask for help X

My bereavement.
My beloved Father left this world March 2017. But he 'passed', or more accurately faded away, from over 2 years before from Alzheimer's.
The day he asked me who 'that woman was?' (Mum, his wife of over 60 years), was the day I felt something die inside.
When he actually died, I felt massive relief and sadness in equal parts along with huge guilt at my relief.
A few weeks after the funeral I felt a lot of anger at what happened with other relatives/family members regarding incidents (lack of help or understanding) during his illness, to the point where I would go to bed tired, but wake at 2pm and be unable to sleep due to my anger. Briefly I indulged in drinking to try and 'dissolve' the anger, but soon found this incompatible with full time working.
I still feel very angry - it takes very little to invoke these feelings.
With regard to Dad I just feel a massive (and yet sweet) sadness at his loss. I now know what people mean when they say they are 'sorry for your loss', for me that's exactly how it feels, I have lost something irreplaceable.
OP I am also so sorry for your loss. Things do get better, you just need time.

I don't think there is a specific time period - it just gradually gets easier to bear. I couldn't pinpoint when I started to feel normal after my parents died - it was slow and gradual

The first year is so tough as you go through all those significant dates, birthday, christmas, anniversary etc. After that first year things start to get easier. THis is when you lose a parent - I can't imagine the loss of a child or sibling as I've no experience of that and would expect that to be very different.

If its any consolation it gets easier rather than harder so cling on to that. You will come out the other side - humans are made to be resilient.

I think a lot depends on who died and how. I lost my mum 14 years ago. She had been Ill for years, and we had talked about her death near the end. She was ready, and although selfishly I would have liked to still have her, I realised she needed to go. My dad really struggled to come to terms with it, and still does. Maybe because I am a vet and we deal with quality of life, I felt it was the right thing. She died on the Wednesday, I was back at work on the Monday, as was my dad.

I'm not saying we were right, or better than other people, but grieving is different for everyone. Sitting at home feeling shit about it wasn't for me.

I think I'm a bit weird in this, however, but just wanted to show another viewpoint. I loved my mum to bits, but she is gone, and honestly for her that is the best thing. I did everything I could for her in life, and don't feel the need to visit graves etc now.

for everyone grieving. It's a very personal thing

For people who have lost children, my grief is nothing to compare, to make that clear. I’m so sorry that anyone has to go through such suffering.
I’ve lost both parents in the last two years. For me, it’s not just about the missing the person. My entire relationship with the world has changed. I feel as though a cover has been taken from life and revealed decay and rottenness underneath. The cover has gone back, but now I know, and at times I just can’t get how people carry on. Joking, planning stuff, laughing - when they’re going to die. Probably in pain, maybe their minds gone. And their children too. It seems like the world is in denial. I have to stop myself thinking about it or it gets too hard. I don’t see how counselling can help, because nothing will change the reality of the matter. I hope that this goes away. I’m a year on from the last death, but now I sometimes feel that I’m just waiting to die, and that’s all life is.

I lost my Grandma over a year ago, I am at an age when I should lose my Grandma but that just makes it worse. I lost my dad in my 20s but it wasn't like this. I felt stupid for being so upset over losing somebody that had had a great long life and a peaceful death. Writing this is making me feel stupid because how can I compare my bereavement which was "ideal" to the horror of losing a child or sibling?

I have felt such nihilism ever since, it's completely changed the way I feel about everything. I don't see the point in anything anymore, I still do everything like I always did but I just think it's all stupid and pointless.

I don't want counselling or help from medics because, truly, I think it's completely rational. I don't get particularly sad on the landmarks, in truth I forgot her birthday and anniversary when they rolled round. I only think about her when I am in bed and my head is emptying, then it triggers and reinforces the nihilistic thoughts. The thoughts of her as a person aren't always there but the thoughts her death triggered are.

Reading this thread hasn't made me feel better but it's made me feel less like I am going mad. I didn't realise other people felt the same after a bereavement.

@nellieellie

I didn't see your post before I made mine but that describes exactly how I have felt for the last 14 months.

It just feels like everything is a distraction from the inevitable.

I’m having bereavement counselling. I started it 2.5 months after my mum died. I was having nightly nightmares about her death, in particular her last couple of days. She died from pancreatic cancer. My Dad died 2 years before that. The counsellor was very practical and stopped the nightmares after the first session.

She has explained to me that what I had been doing was blocking all my feeling about the death of my parents plus a load of over shitty things which had happened - three miscarriages, my own cancer scare, daughters diagnosis of medical condition, sons illness after birth.. If you don’t deal with things properly it’s like they don’t get filed away properly which makes it hard to move on. She said if you think of grief as a big piece of rock inside you. Moving on with your life doesn’t make the grief smaller but your life grows around it which in turn makes the loss seem less painful.

It’s without a doubt the best think i’ve Ever done. I feel like me again and have so much more zest for life. It’s like emerging from a cocoon.

“Completely rational” LeslieKnopes. Yes, that’s it.

@nellieellie

I used to feel like you do. At first I refused counselling as I believed nothing could help me feel life was worth living. I was 38 when my Dd died she was 23. Counselling did help me to see a way forward.

I would think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship with the person/people who have passed away. My parents both died after long, horrible illnesses. My dad died seven years ago and my mother eighteen months ago. The grieving process has only just begun for me because they were horrible, horrible people and it is very painful to grieve for relationships that should have been but never were, and for resolutions that never came. I have been slowly spiralling since my mother died in a weird, foggy, disconnected place to avoid acknlowlesging abuse and neglect. (I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist for Monday.)

My point is that everyone processes things differently and in their own time. Don’t feel rushed to get over it or back to normal by your perceptions of other people’s expectations. You have your own inner world to experience.