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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL driving me mad

49 replies

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 09:13

Hi
I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’ve been having a problem with my partners mum well since I first met her , my boyfriend was brought up with just his mum dad and brother which has made them a very close family with just the 4 of them, she used to cry whenever he would be with me rather than her and we got off to a very bad start where multiple times me and my boyfriend nearly finished as a result of his mother. I have been with him for 5 years and I now have a 7 month old little boy (her first grandchild) I try and get to see her twice a week with my son but if I don’t go twice or for more than an hour she kicks off at me saying she’s not seeing him enough and she wants to see him more because my mum sees him more than her ( because I live around the corner from my mum and see her about 4 times a week) I don’t know what kind of relationship she wants with my son whether she thinks she’s entitled to see him as much as she wants ? But honestly she makes me feel so uncomfortable I don’t want to go and she’s made me feel uncomfortable with leaving my son alone with her. I don’t think she will be happy until I either only take my son to see my mum the same amount as her or she can have my son as much as she wants on her own ( like overnight etc ) which I’m not comfortable with ! I don’t know what to do as it’s again ruining my relationship with my boyfriend as she cries to him about it and it all gets turned on me that I’m a bad person becaue she doesn’t see him enough. Am I being unreasonable for seeing my mum more with my son?

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 03/07/2018 09:22

I think it's normal to see your own mum more. You do not have to leave your very young son with your mil. You do not need to tell her you've seen yuor mum, she doesn't need the finite detail of your life.

Put your boundaries in place now and remember that you don't need an excuse, just 'No, I don't want to do that' if she asks for him overnight etc.

You need your DP to have your back and if he hasn't, then this relationship won't work long term.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2018 09:28

How does she know how often you see your mum? She would annoy me. I wouldn’t want her trying to compete for your child’s attention the way she does with your boyfriend

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 09:49

She knows because my boyfriend seems to mention it to her ( he also falls out with me over it) and it’s crap because sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I have to stop seeing my mum just to make them feel alright about it , I just feel like she wants to take over and have the same relationship with my son as she does her own, she buys my son lots of presents all the time and has bought herself a pushchair highchair and cot for her house But then tells me she’s not interfering?

OP posts:

Shumpalumpa · 03/07/2018 09:53

She sounds like a clinging drama llama.

I would be done with it and tell DP that he can take DS to see her himself. Stop taking DS to see her.

You're the mum, it's not your job to facilitate contact between MIL and DS.

And why doesn't she ever come to see you, why do you always have to go to her?

Shumpalumpa · 03/07/2018 09:54

Don't let her have DS alone or overnight if she's acting like this. That would be rewarding bad behaviour.

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 09:58

She does come to us sometimes usually I go out with her on a Friday for a walk or something but because my sons been poorly and I’ve been busy on a Friday she’s kicked off saying she’s sick of not seeing him enough , just because she’s not seen him more than twice in one week , and I can’t deal with it if that’s what’s she’s going to be like every time she doesn’t get to see him more than twice a week

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 03/07/2018 09:58

Try and nicely remind your dp his dm has had 2 dc and you now want your time with yours!!
Suggest she visits you when your dp is around, maybe you will feel less bullied that way. Don't stop seeing your dm as much as you want - invite her to you so dp can see what a positive addition she is to you +dc. Get out to play groups etc so you aren't as available for mil. She can't complain if you are doing things for the benefit of the dc can she?!

Dljlr · 03/07/2018 10:00

Tell you boyfriend to deal with her in future; he can take LO round when he's not at work and you can get a break. Win win. She sounds like far too much hard work and his loyalty should be with you, his partner, and the mother of his child, not his mum.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/07/2018 10:02

They both sound very controlling. They don't have the right to tell you when you can see your mum or limit your visits to her. It sounds like you have already talked to your partner about this with no result. Could you arrange for your partner to visit a marriage guidance councillor with you?

longwayoff · 03/07/2018 10:02

What is wrong with people? Life is hard enough without constantly placating in laws. Tell her where to go and don't engage with all the rubbish. Five years down the line you wont believe you tolerated it at all.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2018 10:09

I'd do as April suggested.

Your DP needs to grow up a little.
He needs to understand that his DM has had her kids, this is his time and your time to enjoy yours
He needs to be the one who gives his mum her 'access'. It's fine if you don't want to do it alone. REALLY, that is ABSOLUTELY fine.

If your DP doesn't understand any of that ask him: Why his DMs wants and tears come before anything the 2 of you want to do with your child? Keep asking him why his DM needs priority treatment? Ask him why he doesn't feel that you and he, parents, have the right to enjoy your baby, alone and together...

.. basically just keep on showing him how his DMs wants are spoiling his own!

And if that doesn't work you can change tack and SHOUT at him!

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 10:09

Yes like I don’t feel like I’ve been unfair about it , I go to hers whenever she invites us for tea I try to go out with her on Fridays as much as I can just to keep the peace , I don’t think anything will be good enough though until she gets him whenever she wants. I don’t understand what kind of thing she wants to get out of it ? Like does she want my son to look at her the same way as her sons do ? I don’t understand the constant need of my son he’s her grandchild not her son ? It’s just so annoying because I feel like my partner is never going to be on my side with this and how can I carry on when I constantly get pressure off both of them for her to see my son more ? Sorry but I don’t want to give my son up willy nilly he’s my baby I want to enjoy him and be his mum not feel like I have to give him to other people to please their needs 😞

OP posts:

Juells · 03/07/2018 10:13

I wouldn't do what she wants, then let the chips fall where they may. If your DP keeps siding with her things will only get worse, you'll have years of suppressing anger and anxiety, and you'll split up in the finish. I know it's very easy to say things like that from the outside, but so many of us have dealt with partners who sided with parents instead of with us, and it always ends in disaster.

Sarahjconnor · 03/07/2018 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Juells · 03/07/2018 10:24

Just deflect it all back to DP - how much time does he spend building a relationship with your mum?

Oooh, good point. Just shows how brainwashed I am that that didn't occur to me!

Tulipsinbloom · 03/07/2018 10:28

I think at the moment your boyfriend is making you the bad person in this saga because that's easier than dealing with his mother. You need to make yourself the harder person to deal with, stand your ground! Don't give in to what she wants, your the mother. I wouldn't be letting her see your son without you there, that's exactly what she wants. Can't you just visit her at the weekend with your boyfriend? She doesn't need to see him twice a week and certainly doesn't need alone time with him.

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 10:28

I see my mum about 4 times a week but it’s not even because of my son I used to see her that much before I even got pregnant so it’s not like I’m doing it so my mum gets to have a better relationship it’s because I want to go see my mum I also take her shopping and places as she can’t drive

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/07/2018 10:40

Genetically, MIL is as closely related to her GC as is your DM. So to say on the one hand "you've had your turn, I want time with my DC" and on the other "but DM can spend as much time with him as she wants" will seem unfair.

AveABanana · 03/07/2018 10:41

How much time does your DP spend alone with your mum?
How much time does your DP spend with his mum?
Why is he outsourcing it all to you?

BestZebbie · 03/07/2018 10:42

I can see that your MIL might feel she is being treated unfairly if she sees your mum getting twice as much baby access as her - it isn't as though you have set a hard line on 'family time' and are restricting all visitors, so it seems personal to her.

I don't think the solution is to do 4 DM visits and 4 MIL visits a week though! that would be more than one a day.

Could you include your MIL on one of the times you see your DM, as it sounds as if you all live close together - you could all take baby to the park together - that might help MIL feel included if she can see there isn't some secret extra bonding agenda that happens in that DM time and also your mum could 'manage' her a bit during their conversations too and explain that she supports you in no baby overnight/alone visits for a while (to anyone) and isn't it a good idea, and aren't you being a good mum, and so on.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/07/2018 10:47

Gently ask about what things were like when her babies were small, did she see her parents and her husband's parents frequently.... ask this in a way of being interested in what things were like when your DP was a baby. Also ask the same questions of your DP. When you have a picture of what their lives were like, you can formulate your response...

for example, if she had a very close relationship with both sets of parents, you can probe more... if she didn't, then I think you can gently talk about how strong the bond is between their nuclear family and how you are hope for something similar with your own.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2018 10:48

You dp really is happy to make you the scapegoat so he doesn’t have to be, isn’t he? He should 100% have your back. Personally I think seeing your mil once a week is loads. If your dp wants your ds to spend time with his mother, he should take your ds to her house for a couple of hours at the weekend to give you a little time to yourself. I like the deflection above is great.

Never forget you are the parent now. You get to decide what is best for your child. The grandparents have had their turn.

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 10:50

Dp never goes and sees my mum but he rings his mum every day and sees her twice a week, this is why I also get frustrated because it’s gettong turned on me to look like I don’t try when my dp never sees my family but that doesn’t seem to matter

OP posts:

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 10:52

I have asked her this before she moved away from her family before having kids so it was just her and the kids their whole childhood she would occasionally see her mum and rarely see her partners mum

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 03/07/2018 11:00

Really good suggestions from PPs.

Your partner's relationship with his mother is his own business, and it's for him to manage. If he tells you that his mother's upset because he told her that you'd been seing your Mum, tell him not to mention it to her then! And ignore ignore ignore.

If she kicks off when you're alone with her, then cut the visit short. "I see you're in a bad mood today. We'll be back when you are feeling better". EVERY SINGLE TIME. A bit like training a toddler to be polite

You don't have to put up with this, you really don't.

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