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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL driving me mad

49 replies

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 09:13

Hi
I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’ve been having a problem with my partners mum well since I first met her , my boyfriend was brought up with just his mum dad and brother which has made them a very close family with just the 4 of them, she used to cry whenever he would be with me rather than her and we got off to a very bad start where multiple times me and my boyfriend nearly finished as a result of his mother. I have been with him for 5 years and I now have a 7 month old little boy (her first grandchild) I try and get to see her twice a week with my son but if I don’t go twice or for more than an hour she kicks off at me saying she’s not seeing him enough and she wants to see him more because my mum sees him more than her ( because I live around the corner from my mum and see her about 4 times a week) I don’t know what kind of relationship she wants with my son whether she thinks she’s entitled to see him as much as she wants ? But honestly she makes me feel so uncomfortable I don’t want to go and she’s made me feel uncomfortable with leaving my son alone with her. I don’t think she will be happy until I either only take my son to see my mum the same amount as her or she can have my son as much as she wants on her own ( like overnight etc ) which I’m not comfortable with ! I don’t know what to do as it’s again ruining my relationship with my boyfriend as she cries to him about it and it all gets turned on me that I’m a bad person becaue she doesn’t see him enough. Am I being unreasonable for seeing my mum more with my son?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2018 11:01

I’d be tempted to make a joke that unless she backs off she’ll be seeing you as frequently as she saw her mil. Then she’d have something to complain about. She sounds incredibly controlling after your last update.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 03/07/2018 11:03

My mil was the same. Created holy hell because she never saw my dc (3tines a wk at least) she would never come to us...we had to go to her ( both me and dp work ft) then when she did have them for a couple of hours we "owed" her a favour (we have even paid her) or she would exclaim oh i have earnt some brownie point by having dgc... got to the stage where i was made to feel guilty because she hadnt seen them or because she had! I really couldnt win. I blew up and refused to go to her Full stop. Didnt matter what i said i was always in the wrong. I refused for 6months to go to hers ( she never made the effort to come to us) she would bitch and moan constantly until my sil told her to stfu. If she wanted to see gc she had to make the effort. She still doesnt bother but i dont let her get to me anymore

sockunicorn · 03/07/2018 11:10

its not your mum. if she wants more time with DGC she can arrange it with your DP. He can go round after work or at the weekend. You shouldnt be doing it if he doesnt see your mum.

longwayoff · 03/07/2018 11:12

The more you do to try and please this woman the more dissatisfied she will be.You will never please her because she doesnt want you to. She wants to consolidate her self appointed position as family matriarch and dominate her relationship with son, your children and you at the bottom as everyone's scapegoat. Everything will always be your fault no matter what it is. So space. Dont play.

Pebblespony · 03/07/2018 11:16

Why should you have to bring DS over? Get your DP to bring him.

redshoeblueshoe · 03/07/2018 11:20

This is a DP problem. He rings his mum every day
She cries. FFS.
You need a very serious chat with your DP.
Do you really want to spend the next 20 years like this ?

Singlenotsingle · 03/07/2018 11:31

I am blessed with my Dil. She gave me a key to their house when her and ds got together, and said I'd be welcome to come round anytime. Her own mum has got one as well. Sometimes we all go out together to the park or the beach; and we have holidays together. I don't cry though.

ohtheholidays · 03/07/2018 11:33

You need to have an honest and frank conversation with your DP,you need to tell him that there are 3 of you in the relationship Your DS,you and your DP not 4 people.

Ask him how he would feel if your DM was the one that was moaning about your DP and moaning about not seeing her GC enough and was causing problems within your relationship and then you took your Mum's side and was having a go at him as well because that is exactly what his Mum is doing and he's agreeing with her so you feel like your being ganged up on!

I'd honestly be telling him that your not happy with the way your being treated by either of them and that ending the relationship may be the only way to go.

Good Luck

redshoeblueshoe · 03/07/2018 11:35

Single I imagine that's because you are a decent person, and you treat your Dil with respect and kindness.
Its not really difficult is it

Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2018 11:37

I’d be reluctant to give her access without you being there. She may undermine your parenting decisions

Cutietips · 03/07/2018 11:41

You’ve been more than reasonable going around their twice a week. Your real problem is your boyfriend. He should be supporting you not enabling his mother’s weird behaviour. Tell him twice a week is more than fair. His problem with his mother is HIS to deal with and you won’t be dragged into it. He can go and see her with your son and give you some free time (but not leave him on his own with her as it would be playing into her hands). It’s your baby, not hers. Being a grandmother is not the same as being a mother.

And I’m saying that as someone with sons too. If my dil was generous enough to consider me as much as you do your partner’s mother, I’d be delighted. If it was twice a year you saw her she might have a point but not twice a week! Make it clear to your boyfriend that she’s pushing you away with her behaviour, not making you closer. Grown women don’t get to have tantrums to get their own way.

Cutietips · 03/07/2018 11:41

*there, not their!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/07/2018 11:43

Going against the majority here but really this granny wants to spend time with her grandson and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

One hour twice a week is hardly much!

No she doesn’t want your son to be her son! She wants to be a grandma?! Shock horror

I’d be annoyed too if I was your husband. Although I can’t understand why he doesn’t take the baby to hers himself on a weekend for the afternoon - I’m assuming you would allow it?

MrsBartlettforthewin · 03/07/2018 11:45

From now on if she wants to see DGC she organises it with her son. Why the hell does he expect you to spend time with his mum when he doesn't with your's?

The next few weeks when ever she demands you come to her be busy. When your OH complains turning it back on him in, ' so when are we going to see her?' Don't see her by yourself.

How much you see your mum doesn't matter. They have no say in how you conduct your relationship with your mum just like they don't have a say in which friends you see when.

Juells · 03/07/2018 11:47

@ohtheholidays is right. Maybe ask your DP how he'd feel if he was expected to bring your DS to your mother's three or four times a week. In fact, ask him to do that and see what kind of a response you get 😂 No man is going to sit with a semi-stranger for hours every week, trying to dredge up something to chat about. It's just good enough for you...

ijustwannadance · 03/07/2018 11:47

Stop trying to please her. She will never be happy as you will always be hated for stealing her precious little boy.
Crying because he had a girlfriend ffs.

Tell your gutless, mummy's boy that his mother is his problem.
He can take son ro visit her.
You don't HAVE to visit or spend time with her or leave your child with her.

Funny he thinks you should be spending as much time with his mum as you spend with yours, yet he does neither.

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 12:08

I have text her to come round and speak about it , so she’s coming round in abit to talk. Fingers crossed it doesn’t end in an argument as I just need to sort it out do that my heads right for looking after my baby and I don’t want to feel like I’m treading on eggshells with them both anymore 🤞🏻

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 03/07/2018 12:09

Simple, tell your bf to take your child and you stay at home and get a break. It's not your job to satisfy her demands.
If she complains again stop going at all and leave it completely up to him.
I think your bf is more of a problem tbh, he hasn't got your back at all, and this is he's either with you or not and he has chosen not.

Juells · 03/07/2018 12:11

Suggest to her that your DP takes the baby round a few times a week, that you're very happy for her to have time with the baby and her own son.

If she's not happy with that then it's fuck off time.

gillybeanz · 03/07/2018 12:12

OP, it's not your job to sort this out, why are you meeting to talk to her, I hope your bf will be there.
Tell him to stop being a mummy's boy and grow a spine.
It's his job to facilitate visits with your mil, not yours.
Please stand your ground, do not be bullied or this will be the story of motherhood for you Stay strong and don't take their shit.

KokoandAllBall · 03/07/2018 12:22

You take him to see her twice a week. Is your DP with you? I hope he does not have the brass neck to complain about his DS's relationship with his DM if he is not taking him on regular visits.

If he's unhappy with the amount of contact his DM has, he can take him to visit her. I know some may object, but in my experience it's usual for babies to get absorbed more into the mother's family than the fathers, unless distance is involved. I can't think of one family I know where the women's in laws visit or are visited more than her family. The saying has some truth to it, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life."

In this case though is the son still close to his DM, or is it that he wants you to go to effort on his behalf. It's not your job to please his family. I'm sure he can find time in his week to organize quality time with his DM. And babies don't suffer from being around lots of people who love them.

KokoandAllBall · 03/07/2018 12:23

he rings his mum every day and sees her twice a week, this is why I also get frustrated because it’s gettong turned on me to look like I don’t try when my dp never sees my family

Ah, ok. So he takes his DS over twice a week and you do as well? That's loads of time!

And he never sees your family. Well that's your trump card.

Original poster

Jadejessicah · 03/07/2018 12:37

I was taking him out with her on a Friday for a walk or something we both go once a week for food and partner goes round on a weekend sometimes ( sometimes takes son with him ) he doesn’t religiously go twice a week but he often sees them twice a week

OP posts:

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/07/2018 12:57

This is tricky.... and your DP does not seem to be able to see the issues...

Does he take DS with him when he goes to see his Mum?

Maybe she regrets the relationship she had with her MIL / own Parents and wants it to be different in this generation, in which case, that will only happen with your cooperation not your coercion.

It is quite odd that she is so controlling of her son. I guess you already knew things would be tricky given her past behaviour. In some way, you need your DP to see that in the same way that his family grew up away from their parents, your family need space to do the same.

You need to somehow get your DP to see the dysfunctionality of his family rather than seeing it as being perfect and that people grow to love other people when they are free to choose rather than because they are forced to...

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