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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU ref DH shouting?

72 replies

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 20:56

Regular poster, NC for obvious reasons.

DH and I married 10 months. Aged 35 and 36. Together 5 years. Best mates for 20 years. Male infertility factors mean no DC or prospect of them.

TL:DR manchild tantrums scare the shit out of me even though they are not directed at me. WWYD? AIBU to be concerned?

He has tantrums. Proper stamping of feet tantrums. Over all sorts of minor things.. Always has done since we were teenagers. His anger control is pathetic and he can go from zero to explosive in a few minutes and winds himself up unnecessarily. He's incapable of calming down once he's off - everything becomes catastrophic.

Example from this week: gets out of bed moaning about how tired he is because of a crap night's sleep in the heat, stubs toe, swears loudly. Drops toothpaste in bathroom. Loud swearing. Knocks shampoo in shower, cue outrage of "its going to be one of those fucking days" and a rant about how nothing in his life goes right. Stomps back into bedroom, moaning loudly about how dreadful his life is and how nothing is gping to go right today. Throws towel on floor, trips on towel, kicks towel, rants and raves more. Dresses in a strop, stomps downstairs, coffee machine overflows, kicks ten bells out of kitchen cupboard door, ranting and raving about how everything is out to get him and how shit everything is. Stamps back up to bedroom, throws towel back in room on to bed next to me and and stamps downstairs again. Makes coffee and toast, goes to work like nothing has happened. Phones me 4 hours later to apologise for his behaviour, interspersed with lots of "buts" but being tired and how nothing ever goes right.

As this happens, dog is left cowering in back garden. I'm sat shaking in bed (I go to work after him).

This sort of thing happens at least once a month.

AIBU that this is not normal? I don't know how to get this across any other way - he doesn't see the issue, as he's "not shouting AT anyone".

OP posts:
VI0LET · 02/07/2018 20:59

Has he been like this for the 5 years you have lived together ? And the 15 previous years when you were best mates ?

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 02/07/2018 20:59

Was he like this when you were just friends?

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 02/07/2018 21:00

Xpost Grin

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/07/2018 21:03

Not normal, and not ok. Nip this in the bud. Tell him you can’t and won’t live in an atmosphere where you are waiting for the next blow up. He either gets help, or you will walk.

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:08

Yes, he's always been like this.

I have no idea why I've put up with it for so long. I've told him for years he has an anger problem. Until now I suppose I've let him get away with it. But I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
VI0LET · 02/07/2018 21:09

Does he have an anger problem at work ? How many jobs has he lost because of it ?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2018 21:09

I couldn't live with that. Up to you if you can.

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:11

He can't seem to accept that we all do things like drop keys / shampoo / a pen or stub toes or break a plate in the washing up bowl.

To him it's the world's biggest catastrophe and evidence that everything is out to get him somehow (he's not a conspiracy theorist).

Once something as minor as a misplaced set of keys has happened, he's determined that that's the day ruined and by god he'll see that it is because he's convinced of it!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2018 21:11

Kicks the kitchen cupboards, breaks things?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:12

Why would you live like that when you don't have to? I'm serious - is this the way you want to live your life?

JamPasty · 02/07/2018 21:12

Having rages I could be more sympathetic of if it were due to specific things like recent stress, and if he were immediately apologetic. In the absence of that, I couldn't and wouldn't want to put up with it. Ultimatum time I would suggest

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:12

Do you want children yourself?

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:12

He's in the military. Has been for 18 years. Never been hauled up for insubordination (fuck knows how). Throws tantrums at work, but to a lesser extent as far as I can make out. They think it's funny. 🙄

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:15

He's not been hauled up for insubordination because he keeps enough of a grip of himself to not do anything to piss off a senior officer, I imagine. Men like this can control themselves; they choose not to at times.

ShackUp · 02/07/2018 21:15

My ex bf is like this. Thank fuck I got rid of the manbaby. His poor GF is long suffering and seems to think he's a catch Confused

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:16

@HollowTalk no I don't want to live like this. Definitely. And I've always wanted children, as has he. I married him knowing kids were off the table, as I felt I wanted to be with him more than I wanted a child. Now I've no idea what I want. But I couldn't bring a kid into this environment. Ever.

Agree ref ultimatum. I have the financial wherewithal to leave tomorrow if I have to. I just don't know if I have the cuts to walk out on a marriage of 10 months and the humiliation I'll feel of not being able to make it work. Stupid, I know.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 02/07/2018 21:16

So he tantrums like a toddler and despite knowing this, you married him. and now expect him to magically morph into acting like an adult?

Good luck.

StayingAtTamaras · 02/07/2018 21:16

Sounds exactly like my DP which I'm really struggling with also, strops like a child but obviously scarier then acts like everything's fine again! No advice but handhold Thanks

OkMaybeNot · 02/07/2018 21:17

Do you want children?

I wouldn't be giving up my fertility for a man who scares the shit out of me.

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:17

@lottiegarbanzo stops short of actual damage, but lots of noise and scares the hell out of the dog. I bet the neighbours live out at 0615hrs too.

OP posts:
ShackUp · 02/07/2018 21:17

He once cried because someone finished off his birthday cake. And regularly raged about 'CUNTING X' (X being the insignificant thing that had gone wrong).

He was a 2 year old in an ugly man's body. He also pissed in cupboards when drunk.

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:17

*love it

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:19

Oh fucking hell, OP, just leave this man. This is no way to live.

You have the money. Pack your bags tomorrow and just go.

You are giving up everything to be with this man. He's not worth it. He really isn't.

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:19

@SilverySurfer nope, no magical morphing expectation, I knew what I was signing up for. I thought, however, I could cope with it. Apparently not.

OP posts:
JayeAshe · 02/07/2018 21:20

Whoa! Not normal. My lovely DH cusses with the best of them but never overlaps into physical violence against things/ inanimate objects. Conversely EXP was abusive and broke his hand thwacking a bookcase. Wise up, OP Flowers .