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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ref DH shouting?

72 replies

aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 20:56

Regular poster, NC for obvious reasons.

DH and I married 10 months. Aged 35 and 36. Together 5 years. Best mates for 20 years. Male infertility factors mean no DC or prospect of them.

TL:DR manchild tantrums scare the shit out of me even though they are not directed at me. WWYD? AIBU to be concerned?

He has tantrums. Proper stamping of feet tantrums. Over all sorts of minor things.. Always has done since we were teenagers. His anger control is pathetic and he can go from zero to explosive in a few minutes and winds himself up unnecessarily. He's incapable of calming down once he's off - everything becomes catastrophic.

Example from this week: gets out of bed moaning about how tired he is because of a crap night's sleep in the heat, stubs toe, swears loudly. Drops toothpaste in bathroom. Loud swearing. Knocks shampoo in shower, cue outrage of "its going to be one of those fucking days" and a rant about how nothing in his life goes right. Stomps back into bedroom, moaning loudly about how dreadful his life is and how nothing is gping to go right today. Throws towel on floor, trips on towel, kicks towel, rants and raves more. Dresses in a strop, stomps downstairs, coffee machine overflows, kicks ten bells out of kitchen cupboard door, ranting and raving about how everything is out to get him and how shit everything is. Stamps back up to bedroom, throws towel back in room on to bed next to me and and stamps downstairs again. Makes coffee and toast, goes to work like nothing has happened. Phones me 4 hours later to apologise for his behaviour, interspersed with lots of "buts" but being tired and how nothing ever goes right.

As this happens, dog is left cowering in back garden. I'm sat shaking in bed (I go to work after him).

This sort of thing happens at least once a month.

AIBU that this is not normal? I don't know how to get this across any other way - he doesn't see the issue, as he's "not shouting AT anyone".

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 02/07/2018 21:20

You say it happens about once per month? This might sound really off the wall. could it be the male version of PMT? I have heard it is possible.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2018 21:21

Yeah, well the military can defend themselves.

I know this is about attitude and verbal aggression (mostly?) and my 'amateur psychology' view would be that it's about low self-esteem, inability to deal with frustration with himself, and probably started with being shouted for things that were beyond his control, in childhood. So when he does something 'wrong' he 'feels' the memory of being shouted at and gets angry in his own - frustrated, helpless child - defence.

However, you've talked about him kicking things and you being frightened. Even by accident, there is a risk that he will throw something that hits you... and so on.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/07/2018 21:21

This is the problem with hotheads - they create such a hideous atmosphere for the people they live with. They are fond of telling everyone how quickly they get over things and don’t bear grudges. They feel so much better when they’ve had their moment. Meanwhile everyone around them is a quivering wreck.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 02/07/2018 21:22

He's in the military. Has been for 18 years. Never been hauled up for insubordination (fuck knows how)

Because he knows when he will / won't get away with being abusive, that's how. People choose to allow themselves to allow to get out of control, or not

What I don't understand is how you can be best mates with someone for 20 years, then this happens. Has he always been like this, but you thought you could cure him? Or has something happened to make him like this?

Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:23

@lottiegarbanzo amateur psychology might be closer to the truth than you might think. Lots of screwed up history. And yes, my concern is for both his mental health and my physical safety if it deteriorates. I can protect myself physically if I have to (long story) but I tend to go to shaky pieces if it's just shouting around me.

OP posts:
Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:26

Maybe I did think I could cure him, I don't know. I never really considered it in serious detail. Or maybe I thought that taking it all in the round with everything else - loving thoughtful life partner, best friend, devoted to each other etc - that if this was the only issue (bar the infertility which is after all out of his control and linked to him being a very premature baby) then it was a balance I was comfortable with. But I'm not.

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 02/07/2018 21:26

manchild tantrums scare the shit out of me even though they are not directed at me.

Stamps back up to bedroom, throws towel back in room on to bed next to me and and stamps downstairs again.

His tantrums scare the shit out of you because they are directed at you. Do you really think he does this when he's alone?

You are not only his audience, you are his cowering captive. Why do you think he comes back upstairs to throw the towel he chucked on the floor on to the bed next to you?

OliviaBenson · 02/07/2018 21:29

You age your dog are left cowering after one of his episodes? Fuck me, it's no way to live.

SilverySurfer · 02/07/2018 21:37

OP, ask him why, if he is capable of controlling his tantrums so they don't occur while he is at work, can he not do the same at home? I agree with Shumpalumpa it''s because it's directed at you. I would give him a warning, he needs to shape up or ship out. Maybe it would shock him enough to do something about it.

aaarrrggghhhh · 02/07/2018 21:39

Your poor dog!!!!! What steps are you taking to protect your dog in this scenario?

hellosummer12 · 02/07/2018 21:39

Agree with @shumpalumpa

So, he’s always been like this and you married him.

You knew he was infertile and you married him, even though you want dc?

I think you need to take a little no hard look at what you really want out of life.

But make no mistake, he’s targeting you and frightening you deliberately. If he wasn’t, he’d go and strop elsewhere.

hellosummer12 · 02/07/2018 21:39

*long hard look

aaarrrggghhhh · 02/07/2018 21:40

oh and yes you need to leave. he won't change and you will have a churning stomach for the rest of your life. and he will almost certainly get worse and at some point in time probably there will be violence directed at you.

MummyGina · 02/07/2018 21:40

If I am completely honest I have episodes a bit like this sometimes - possibly not as extreme, but similar in that a couple of irritating things happens which leads to an explosion. With me it’s not that the things themselves have caused it, it’s that I have a lot pent up and they just tip the scales that bit too much. I have struggled with depression since I was a teen and this is how it manifests itself - might be worth speaking to him, but approaching it carefully!

My poor hubby has been with me almost ten years now and unfortunatly for him he’s had to put up with it a lot (in varying degrees when I’ve been on meds etc) but he knows I whole heartedly don’t mean it

Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:41

@aaarrrggghhhh suggestions gratefully received!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 21:42

OP its fine to put yourself and your happiness first - you know what that involves

Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:43

I came to terms with marrying an infertile man. That was a decision I made and not lightly. We considered IVF/ICSI but I'm loathe to go through the process as we only get one go in our area, and I have no faith in it working. No, adoption is not for us. Let's face it, kids are a stupid idea here anyway.

OP posts:
Lilacwine1 · 02/07/2018 21:44

Christ! I think we are married to the same man.Shock

Seasawride · 02/07/2018 21:44

I would be pissed off over his upsetting the dog let alone you.

Sounds horrible op. And no way could you bring kids into this.

Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:45

@MummyGina what effect does it have on your DH though? Even if my DH doesn't mean it, and I don't think he does, it's intimidating and unnecessary behaviour, no?

I too have suffered depression on and off for over a decade, but it doesn't present in tantrums and violence - quite the opposite!

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 02/07/2018 21:46

I sympathise with you, I really do. It must be awful and really quite frightening to live with. But you don't have to actually live with it if you don't want to. You have a choice. He isn't going to change is he, that much is clear. The other thing I would suggest is that you find a happier home for your poor dog. He does not have a choice in all this.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.

Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:48

@Lilacwine1 is he a shirt arse with a beard? If so, send him home to his mother. She'll deal with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
aibuaboutshouting · 02/07/2018 21:51

Dog isn't good with any raised voices. We think it was from her previous home. If the neighbours shout across their garden to each other ("can you grab the tlrake" etc) she hides under the table. Not a justification of anything, but she is an exceptionally sensitive mutt.

OP posts:
PatchworkGirl · 02/07/2018 21:51

No way is this ok. If nothing else I would expect him to be taking steps to sort this out (when calm) because he is thoroughly ashamed that he scares his wife and his pet. I couldn't live like this.

aaarrrggghhhh · 02/07/2018 21:51

Well long term obviously its leave.

But in the meantime, every single time he upsets your poor pup and the pup runs away you say your unacceptable behaviour is upsetting our dog. Now. That is the immediate result of what you are doing. You might actually find it easier than saying you are upsetting me.

And if you can't protect your dog you need to find the dog a nice and safe place to live.

But tbh - I know I'll get slammed - but I have very limited patience for people who don't protect animals or children from their partners when there are no extenuating circumstances. Of course you can protect your dog. You leave or you make if very clear to your partner is not acceptable. And I don't say this not understanding living with a violent man - the opposite. I understand very well.

If I had a partner whose behaviour was so bad it terrified my dog he would have been out on his arse the first time he raised his voice - long history or not. Your married a man who is cruel to you and cruel to animals. Just ugh.