Father and grandparents feeding far too much junk food to ds

[Mummyof3monkeys90]

My son is 9 and goes to his grandparents/dads (when his dad is actually there) every Wednesday for tea and every other weekend. Something that was pushed onto me when my son was younger and I was in a corner about it and had no choice but to say yes.

Anyway I have spoken to all 3 of them numerous times about feeding him a bit healthier and he is over weight.

He has come back today and told me he has had 3 takeaways this weekend regardless of the fact he was off school Friday with an upset stomach and I had said to him no takeaways. He told his dad and grandparents I'd said this and they completely ignored it.

I'm fuming. It's at a point now I feel I cannot treat him because of the rubbish he is fed there and I feel so mean that I am trying to make up for the fact he's had so much rubbish by pushing healthy eating a bit more because of his weight. I'm a lot stronger than I was back then and feel like not letting him stay anymore but I don't want to upset my son because it's not his fault.

Am I being unreasonable?

Just to clarify he was fed a large fish and chips the Friday night, KFC and takeaway pizza yesterday

Yes, you are. Your ds is with you most of the time and for most of his meals, so you are mostly responsible for his size. Planning to deny contact with his dad because of your own errors is a bit U to say the least.

I am not unsympathetic to your desire to "treat" him, but your treats are going to have to be something other than food. And if your ex won't co-operate (have you actually discussed your son's weight with your ex, or just demanded that he not be fed takeaway?) you're going to have to compensate.

I know this sounds harsh and I wish it didn't, but you really are being U.

Hi I didn't want to read and run, it sounds like a very difficult situation, but I think you do need to have a word with them again and if not maybe take things a little further, ie social worker. It's your sons long term health that's at risk here, the decisions you make at this age and habits you set stay with them for life!

I am in the same position as you, OP.

YANBU but don’t expect them to change & don’t expect your DS to understand the concept of why he doesn’t get junk food when in your care. He will thank you further down the line though.

My preschool DD gets fed 3 packs of crisps and 2 Mars Bar ice-creams for her lunch on the one half-day the g/parents have her.

I have toyed with the idea of pulling her out but the way they’ll treat me if I remove her won’t make for a better relationship than we have already so I have just cut my losses and have to go with it.

I do see your frustration if you are trying to keep your sons diet healthy, but as Hirples said, if he has spent majority of his mealtimes in your care then you have to acknowledge that you have obviously contributed the most to him being overweight.

Also I know know what gives some mothers the idea that they can just stop their children seeing their Dad whenever they feel like it ?? It's not up to just you who the child spends time with, he belongs to you and your ex. What makes you think it's entirely your choice whether he goes there or not ??

Yes I've spoken to them all regarding it as this happens all the time. They have fed him an adults McDonald's meal from the age of 5 and he has a minimum of 2 every other weekend. If his father takes him out he will take him to anywhere unhealthy then pile him with sweets afterwards. He has a lot of fizzy drinks with them. Both myself and his father are bigger and it worrys me a lot as I have high cholesterol due to a family condition which is hereditry (Sorry should have mentioned that before)

When speaking to his father his response is "well we are both fat anyway so he will be"

My point is I have spoken multiple times to his family about feeding him a bit healthier. I don't mind the odd takeaway but excessively feeding him rubbish when I have repeatedly asked for them to help just feed him healthier has really annoyed me.

*dont know

KFC and pizza in one day?
So approx 3000 calories of crap in one day?
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You would speak out if they were starving him, overfeeding him like this is also abusive.

I wouldn't stop him seeing his family but not have him stay over as much like he is now and having odd days. This isn't point scoring or using my son as a weapon this is about my son's health

That sounds tough.
So, in every 14 days of 3 meals a day = 42 meals, he's having 8 there. And breakfast probably isn't takeaway, so 5 crap meals in 42.
Hopefully if he gets good food in the other 37 you provide, he should be ok. Sell to him as a great thing that you're looking after his health.

Deliberately overfeeding an overweight child can be regarded as abuse/neglect -
I assume though this would only apply to a very overweight child though so i dont know if social service input would be helpful. As your son is 9, he is old enough to make choices about his foods or at least get his opinion heard. Does he enjoy the junk food or would he prefer a healthier option? Do his gp and dad normally eat like this or do you think they ar just doing this for point scoring.

Yanbu. All that junk food will undoubtedly be contributing to his weight problem at the moment and set up bad habits as he grows up. It’s cruel to overfeed him with junk like that and shows a real laziness on their part in not cooking him healthy meals. I wouldn’t stand for it. Is there a reason they aren’t cooking proper meals?

The Disney parent (non RP) is always going to spoil the child. My ex pays no maintenance and takes DD to McDonald's constantly, theme parks etc... you can't stop the NRP doing anything in contact, but luckily for you, your son is at an age where he can assert himself and say I don't want more takeaway as we had it last nugh and I have a bad tummy etc

They regularly eat like this. His dad especially. I have spoken numerous times regarding the adult meal at McDonald's (always a large)

My son has said before he should have something a bit healthier it's ignored. Friday for example he told his father that I had said he wasn't to have a takeaway due to the fact he had been unwell but he was told by his dad "just eat it and we will see how you are after"

Luckily, at 9, he's close to being able to take responsibility for his own food, if he's not there already. I know my 9 year old dd is well aware of what is healthy and what is not, so wouldnt want to eat a McDs so often. 'No thank you grandad, I don't want an adult meal, can I have a chicken wrap?'

Arethereanyleftatall: hopefully if he gets good food in the other 37 you provide, he should be ok.
But he isn’t ok. OP is posting because her son is already overweight.

It's a regular thing for them on a Friday and it is just laziness and because they can. Annoyingly they cook for their youngest grandchild

Ah sorry cross post.
But in that instance he could have had half of it, or picked the batter off the fish and left it, and said he'd had sufficient.

Ok this is tough but my sister had the same issue with her daughter and her father. My sister would be dealing with the docs and school and taking her to a healthy eating club for overweight children. Her dad would be feeding her takeaway and adult sized meals and sending her home with sweets hidden in her bag because her mum was mean for restricting them. These would be found when my sister ended up searching her bag. Once it was five family size bags of chocolates eg malteasers, twirl bites etc and four of those sour pump things that are basically sugar.
My niece now has an appalling attitude towards food and at age 13 is obese, has insulin dependent diabetes and possible kidney failure. It was only when the doctors insisted on dad being there and told him he could be charged with child abuse that he woke up to the very real risk of losing his daughter.
I myself have had bariatric surgery but am scared by my nieces eating habits. Please sort this while he is still young.

It’s definitely incredibly frustrating but I’m not sure there’s much you can do. Can you not encourage him to order sensibly and if it’s McDonalds get a cheese burger Happy Meal or even a medium extra value meal. There’s no way they are entirely responsible for him being overweight and you also have to take responsibility for that since you feed him the majority of the time.

Wow hirples that was a bit harsh. It is never reasonable IMHO to eat three takeaways in two days and there is no way a 9 year old should be having adult portions. My DH and I have just had Chinese tonight - 1 meat dish each and shared a portion of rice and I still didn’t eat all mine. We always share chips from the chippy - neither of us can finish a full portion.

OP I don’t really know what to suggest, other than make sure he eats as healthily as possible when with you. Does he do any sport/exercise? Do his DF and DGP eat like this all the time or is it because you’ve told them not to? If he’s overweight would his GP have any advice and maybe do a meal plan that you could show his DF/DGP - they may react differently if it’s not from you? (Assuming they’re doing it for point scoring and not just lazy sods who don’t know where the oven is). Sorry if none of these are helpful.

He does football and self defence classes each week. They used to feed him ok (ish) and make food more often but since his dad split from his ex and moved back in to his parents it happens much more

Look. 5 meals out of 42 are not the biggest factor to him being overweight.

Whilst I don't agree with all those takeaways, I think you also need to take some responsibility here for what you are feeding your son also

I am in the same situation, however my ds is not overweight. I am still largely responsible for his meals and treats are not food related.

Is your DS interested in cooking? Could you make some nice, healthy stuff together then take it round on his weekends there so he can show off his skills? I’ve done this when I’ve not been sure there’ll be anything I will like but made it into a gift for the host. E.g. this isn’t the best example for your situation but a lot of my friends don’t think dessert is necessary but I like it so I’ve bought/made something to share as a thank you for dinner.