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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It takes a village - playground question

44 replies

InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 15:39

I look after a friend's three children each Saturday whilst she does a course - 8 weeks, 14 months and 3 years. They are all pretty good so it's usually easy, but I have started to find that when we are in the park other parents will often expect me to watch their children on high objects / climbing up objects with out asking - more of an expectation.

For instance, yesterday, I had the baby in the sling, the toddler was happily playing under the climbing frame and the three year old was up and over the climbing frame, wanting a hand jumping off, running back up to climb again. There was this little boy who as about 15 - 18 months and he was way too young but still trying to go up the climbing frame - the mother just say watching him / me keep lifting him off it because I physically couldn't watch him failing at climbing it and keep an eye on the three year old who definitely was too high to "jump" without being caught.

WDYD in these situations? We ended up going to feed the ducks which wasn't ideal but I felt I couldn't be responsible for someone else's child!

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 01/07/2018 16:00

me keep lifting him off it because I physically couldn't watch him failing at climbing it

There’s your reason. You did well by removing you all from the situation. If you had lifted him off it and accidentally dropped him and he hurt himself, you’d be fully blamed.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/07/2018 16:07

Why was he way too young? How did you decide that, you weren't watching out for him - reasonable, you were interfering, of course you would be blamed if you lifted a child who didn't need lifting and dropped him, there was no reason to lift him off

If he was failing to climb a climbing frame, then he was perfectly safe, learning his limits in climbing, letting kids play and learn is what the park is for.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 01/07/2018 16:10

I'd leave him be. He might have a bump if he fell off, but playgrounds are generally designed so that no significant injury will be caused.

If the mother deliberately didn't do anything, I'd turn myself away from her child as much as possible so that it was quite clear that I wasn't going to be making any attempt to keep an eye on her child.

Groovee · 01/07/2018 16:17

I'd have left him to his mother. You had your hands full with 3.

xyzandabc · 01/07/2018 16:19

You say the mum was watching so I'm not sure why you felt you had to intervene and lift him off. She was happy with what he was doing. If he was failing at it, then he can't have been getting that far either so again, not sure why a stranger would be physically lifting another child off of a piece of play equipment.

If I were you I would either catch the mums eye and just say 'is he alright on this' or just ignore the child making it obvious that you were not responsible for him.

If I were the other mum I would probably come over to you and just tell you he was fine and could you please stop lifting him off. 2/3 of mine were pretty adept climbers very young. Think stairs at 7 months no bother, so a climbing frame by 18 months would have been well within their capabilities. He may also have just been small for his age and therefore older than you think.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 01/07/2018 16:22

I would and did concentrate on my own children in those situations. I had a 2 year old who was hell bent on climbing the big slide cargo net so my heart was in my mouth watching/helping her with that whilst ds1 was a baby in the pram. When he got to the same age, he of course wanted to follow his big sister and I had twins in a pushchair. Helping other people's children was never in the mix for me. It's one of those times I felt ok with being selfish.

GandTthankyou · 01/07/2018 16:23

Some parents do this. Let the child be - it’s not your fault or responsibility so don’t feel bad.

SavoyCabbage · 01/07/2018 16:38

His 'failure' meant that he was perfectly safe and didn't need his mother there helping him. If you lifted him on the climbing frame then you need to make sure he doesn't fall off! You don't need to enable children to to things that they aren't physically capable of.

Dahlietta · 01/07/2018 16:38

I look after a friend's three children each Saturday whilst she does a course - 8 weeks, 14 months and 3 years.

I can't get past this. You must be a saint, OP!

Verbena37 · 01/07/2018 16:39

Op, you are NBU at all.
For the person saying 15-18months is fine to let a child attempt and fall off a climbing frame.....seriously?

A child falling more than their own height, actually should be taken to casualty in case of head injury.

I’m like the OP. I’d rather lift down/rescue a child to prevent injury but unlike the OP, I’d have said something to the mother just watching....like “please can you watch your child: I have 3 of my own to look after”.

That said, if she was letting a 15 month old climb a climbing frame, it’s likely that her parental skills aren’t all that great full stop....sadly nothing you can do.

Username12345 · 01/07/2018 16:40

parents will often expect me to watch their children

They don't. You're just interfering. Stop touching other peoples kids. The mother was watching her kid.

Verbena37 · 01/07/2018 16:41

xyz stairs at 7 months might be doable but surely never on their own without someone with hands at the ready behind them?!
From what the OP said, the mother wasn’t within catching distance.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/07/2018 16:41

It's hard to see why you were getting involved. Leave them to it.

Plsbemyturn · 01/07/2018 16:48

You are a amazing friend :)
I wouldn't touch or help that child to climb because as you said he might be too young, the parent might not even want you to help him!

donquixotedelamancha · 01/07/2018 17:10

the mother just say watching him / me keep lifting him off it because I physically couldn't watch him failing

Dear God, you'd have got a polite but firm telling off if you repeatedly did that to my child.

DD2 is 2. At the park recently a woman reached to pick her off the climbing frame which leads to a slide. I shook my head at her (I was stood back) and politely explained she'd done it many, many times.

Sods law: she falls off, from almost the top. I give her a quick cuddle, check she's OK and send her back up. She had another 20 goes of the slide without falling off. This is not me being cruel- there is rubberised matting down and it's my job to assess risks to her.

I consider that the other mum's approach of not letting her 3 YO DS fail at all, holding his hand all the way, carries greater risks in the long run.

A child falling more than their own height, actually should be taken to casualty in case of head injury....I’d have said something to the mother just watching....like “please can you watch your child: I have 3 of my own to look after”.

Climbing frames that 1.5 YOs can climb are usually incredibly low, with rubberised flooring around. No way does a child need taking to casualty for such a fall. I would not let DD climb a frame over concrete.

I've had a horrible comment like this- they make you feel terrible. Other parents don't care less than you, they just have a normal perception of risk and are being good parents who allow independence. The OP is just trying to be helpful, whereas you are unpleasant.

BlueThesaurusRex · 01/07/2018 17:21

I second Dahlietta... you are a saint!

When you are looking after 3 tiny ones then you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s as well! I would make it clear that I was focusing attention on the children I brought with me to the park

Pengggwn · 01/07/2018 17:25

I'm with you, OP. I watched a baby (about 15 months) be lifted on to a climbing platform today. A four foot drop. Nobody watching him. If he'd fallen off (although I was standing there and would have caught him) we'd have been looking at a serious injury. Some people are stupid.

Snowysky20009 · 01/07/2018 17:28

When ds1 was a toddler, I was holding his hand across a climbing frame that came to my chin (I'm 5ft 6), another toddler went to step off in mid air, I automatically done a scream/shout, grabbed him as he fell, and as I'd grabbed him by his t-shirt and jeans he kind of spun upside down. Mum came running over telling him off. I was stood there thnking 'but YOU should be watching him!' The oldest he could have been was two.

NoKnit · 01/07/2018 18:01

I have never helped any of my kids on any playground equipment and I have no limits of what they can/can't go on I just follow the motto that if they can get on it unaided that they can be on it safely. Sometimes I helped with holding hand at top of the slide but they only went on said slide if they had climbed up themselves unaided.

Everyone seems to make a lot of work for themselves at the playground, just let them get on with it and set their own limits. Easy

Original poster
InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 18:03

Ok the Mum was “watching” from around thirty feet away - there is a six : seven foot net climbing bit (not sure what you call them) - the ones with big squares like a giant rope ladder. It was half in her view and half not. Then at the top a slide, a pole with a jumpy bit (which the three year old was sitting down and we were doing woosh jumps off (in my arms)) and climbing wall bit... maybe I’m over anxious as the three year old isn’t mine but I thought it was too much for her to be unsupervised...

Now going back to re read through comments after the first few.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 18:05

Sorry I was lifting him OFF the climbing frame or when he’d got stuck in the net bit...

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 18:08

Not a saint (she’s the bloody saint for studying on zero sleep!)

Not a climbing frame on a rubberised floor this a more natural one - the ground is hard sand with a little sand pit underneath...

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 18:09

@noknit - if your kid was falling through a net climbing thing repeatedly would you have helped them?

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOutRainbows · 01/07/2018 18:14

Yes - cargo net - thank you, that’s what it was! With big holes!

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 01/07/2018 18:29

if your kid was falling through a net climbing thing repeatedly would you have helped them?

Unlikely, the way you build the self judgement of risk is to expose them to the risk in a controlled relatively safe environment, which is what a play-park is. That means you don't help them get to places they don't need to be, you don't help them jump down what would not be a safe jump if you weren't there - being there to give them confidence of the safe jump is good. Lifting them to a position where they cannot then safely jump without your help is not, nor is always being there as a safety net when they can get themselves places.

It is very unlikely that the child could get themselves into a position where it was seriously unsafe by themselves, that's actually how playground equipment is designed. No they are not completely without risk, but the number of injuries, particularly the number of injuries which are life changing are really rare, and almost certainly one of those things where not giving them the fitness and risk judging experiences will be the higher risk.

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