. . . to still be upset about this?

[NotSureWhyItBothersMe]

NC as I don't want to connect it to my other posts; I feel I'm being a bit stupid and ungrateful.

I think I might have been neglected as a child, and it may be why I've always been insecure and lacking in self-esteem . . . but also incredibly selfish and self-absorbed, feeling I have to put myself first because no-one else will.

I don't think my mum looked after me very well. It might have been because my dad left for about a year and she didn't cope very well. To give some examples, I never had clean clothes or clean underwear - I remember wearing the same knickers for days to primary school because I didn't have any clean ones, and wasn't old enough to really figure out how to wash and dry them myself. I also remember that the underwear I had was really raggedy and full of holes.

I also have memories of wearing woolly tights with my school uniform that were incredibly uncomfortable because they were much too small, so the crotch was sitting lower than it should have been.

It's hard to articulate but I felt very lonely and as if I had to fend for myself.

For some reason, I now feel very resentful towards my mum as she is a doting grandmother to my sister's little boy. Nothing is too much effort, she makes sure he has the best of everything.

It's mad, isn't it? I'm almost forty and I still feel disturbed and upset by trivial things that happened many many years ago. I need to get a grip, don't I? I just can't seem to push the memories and negative feelings away for very long.

It's not stupid or ungrateful at all OP to question your mum's treatment of her Grandson and how she treated you. Have you ever spoken to her about how you feel? It may be she had a breakdown and that's the reason; it's no-ones fault but maybe some acknowledgement that it did deeply affect you would help you come to terms with it?

Putting yourself first isn't selfish. Do some reading on self care and see there is a very big difference.

I think as you get older and see your parents as humans, and flawed, who in some instances failed you, that can be hard. I've had the same. I worked through mine in counselling. It worked for me.

How old were you when you realised that your DM's behaviour towards you wasn't 'as it should be'? I was in my late 30's and had just had DS1 when all this stuff about my childhood and mid teens years came flooding back … it was as though I'd been living in a bubble that had suddenly popped, and I could actually see clearly. I'm angry and upset in equal measure about how my DParents - DM in particular - treated me. I have tried to speak with them a few times about it, but they won't engage at all. DM even gave me the 'talk to the hand' action. I suppose the reason you're 'still' upset about this is because you don't have 'closure' (hate that expression!) Without talking it through and - hopefully - having your DM acknowledge your memories and maybe explaining where her head was at the time - you will be going over it again and again. Like I am with my DPs. YANBU.

Thank you both for your responses.

I couldn't talk to my mum about it, Shawshank. She'd be so hurt, probably think it's all nonsense and I'm being dramatic, and I think I would end up apologising and trying to make her feel better. I've spent my life trying to please my parents - I buy them expensive presents and seem to do things to try to get their approval and keep them happy. We don't talk about negative things in our family - we sweep everything under the carpet and pretend everything's rosy.

I did have counselling, Candy, but didn't find it helpful. The first one would just listen and nod and agree with me, even though I repeatedly asked her to help me find ways to move on. I thought maybe I'd just been unlucky with my choice of counsellor so tried again - similar scenario; they seem to think they just need to listen and nod.

I think I've always known at some level, Piffle, that things weren't quite normal. I was constantly seeking attention from them - unsuccessfully, sadly. My straight As and academic achievements never got anything more than a cursory "well done" and I've always craved being looked after. To be able to take a certain level of care for granted; to feel secure. Have you been able to let it go or do you still feel frustrated?

I haven't had any children of my own (not through choice, unfortunately) but if I did I would make sure they always had clean clothes, always felt listened to and loved, always had meals and the basic comforts. I think not having those things has affected every area of my life, especially my relationships.

It seems there's a bit of putting others' mental health needs above your own, and that could be explored. It also sounds like you feel your mum would be dismissive of your feelings and that can be very hard to deal with as a child and then adult, as it's not you they are accepting of or the situation that was. It may be your mum has a lot of guilt there and isn't able to move on from it, so buries it instead, as you say. But understand this, this isn't anything you can do, this is down to your parents and it's not up to you to solve it all. You might need to learn how to let go of taking on their responsibilities and having healthy boundaries.

When it comes to counselling, the counsellor/therapist should be helping you to explore your feelings and thought processes. A lot of it is about working on one's self through guidance/exploration rather than a counsellor telling you what you should do. It can take a long time to work together on this as you have to get to know and trust your therapist.

A good councillor doesn't give you answers, they give you the tools to find your own answers.

A lot of what you've written sounds like poverty; too small clothes, worn out clothes, lack of washing but tis all part of bigger picture. Im assuming this was some considerable time ago because school would pick this up today and there would be a safeguarding referral to see if your mum was getting all the help and support she needed. You paint a picture of a woman who couldn't cope.

It's also very simplistic to say 'if I have children they 'd have XYZ' because you might find yourself in a position where you couldn't provide X & Y, or your mental health might impact on Z.

NewYear did you mean to sound so dismissive and undermining of everything OP said and if so why? I don't understand the purpose of your post.

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP.
You sound like you suffered emotional and material neglect growing up and it must really rub salt in the wounds seeing your mother play the doting grandmother.

Not unreasonable at all

Things that happen in childhood can, and very often do, have a lasting effect on our psyche. It can become part of who you are. No matter how much time has passed if you get a certain feeling in your self while you are still growing it can become part of you and the way you see yourself. It can be very difficult to shake.

You felt unloved and uncared for. That's not something trivial. If that's a very deep seated belief it's only natural that you would find it difficult to change that mindset.

It’s only been in the last few years that I have realised that my mum (who I love) was quite frankly crap as a parent.
I think my parenting style comes from doing basically the exact opposite to how I was parented.
There was a small element of neglect in my upbringing too, both myself and my sibling have terrible teeth due to being fed crap and never been encouraged to or having our teeth cleaned.
I use my experiences to ensure my children are happy, safe and loved.

Not poverty issues, NewYear - strangely, that would make it much easier because I'd understand why these things happened. But there isn't really any reason behind it that I can think of - she seemed as if she were coping as she would still socialise, look after her appearance etc. Although I appreciate that appearing to cope and actually coping are two different things.

Shawshank I think my mum either doesn't realise, or has blocked it out - if I've ever said anything that hasn't been 100% positive about my childhood (which I have done a couple of times, to test the water in relation to a deeper discussion) she's been shocked and upset and taken it as an attack. She's behaved as if I'm a bad person for saying hurtful things to deliberately upset her, so I've backed off. So, I agree, I can't resolve it as such.

Max it absolutely does rub salt in the wound . . . it's very bittersweet to watch.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply - I'm taking away that it's okay to feel sad even after so much time, but I do need to accept it and move on. I do count my blessings - I have an amazing partner who probably would look after me . . . if I could bring myself to let him

Btw you don't sound selfish and self absorbed, you sound really nice.

Have you spoken to your sister and asked if she feels she had the same experience?

If I’m honest, I think there is a point when we leave childhood behind and accept full responsibility for our happiness and lives. I know some things make it difficult but dirty clothes isn’t one of them. My mother was far from brilliant as a parent. We grew up in poverty and were quite feral. I can see she probably tried her best. It’s not how I raised my children, it wasn’t how my husband experienced childhood but it was in the past when expectations were different.
I think the easiest way to adult happiness is to let go of the past, forgive parents most things and either build a good relationship with them or cut them from your life.

Oh thank you Max! That's a lovely thing to say.

No, mimibunz, I haven't spoken to my sister about it. I don't think she even knows that Dad was absent for a while. My gut feeling is that because she's younger, she didn't have the same experience or memories that I do, plus I did a lot of the looking-after by making her dinner etc. after school.

I agree, Cherry, and I don't think I'm holding a grudge as such. I just want to stop myself seeking their approval and attention, feeling like I'm constantly trying to prove what a good daughter I am etc.

I'm going to resolve to step back, I think; accept the past and focus on my other relationships.

Ah, OP I feel for you, it's a tough one. It is OK to feel sad, and I hope you are able to let your partner in to support you. Go back to counselling when you feel ready, the last person you saw may not be the right counsellor for you.

I also suffered neglect as a child and your post has really resonated with me. I have a lot to share with you and advise but I just saw your post at bed time so will reply properly tomorrow.

I had/have a mother who has never had friends, always been so passive that if you speak to her she won’t even always respond. I’ve spent years double checking if she’s even heard me but she always has, she just can never be bothered to reply.

Except she’s recently moved, and now has decided to become a social butterfly. I am full of white hot rage that she is seemingly able to make the effort for these new people but not her daughter.

So... yeah. I understand a bit. It’s really hard.

Have you ever tried writing your mum a letter, getting absolutely everything off your chest? Not to send to her, just to get it out of your head.

I agree that another counsellor might be worth a try. My husband went to six before he found one that he felt he could connect with.

As others have said, you don't sound selfish. It's natural to be hurt by this, and to have it go unacknowledged means it is festering away, demanding attention.

I hope you find a way to lessen it's hold on you

You could try a different sort of talking therapy? Cognitive behavioural therapy might help for example? I've had both counselling and CBT and I find that the CBT is geared around helping you to come up with strategies to cope where is the counseling was just talking things through with someone who is trained to guide you through your thoughts.

I really understand that lonely feeling. for you.
It’s taken me a long time, but I now love myself, do you think that you could begin to?
Would be happy to tell you how if you are interested

Im not meaning to be a pop psychologist internet diagnoser but have you looked at co dependency?

It's along a wide spectrum and I found that to be helpful reading given my childhood. It answered alot of questions and your comments around being selfish sound familiar to me.

In response to some of the other posts, I agree about moving forward and taking responsibility. It's important to understand that it's a process and an ongoing one. I have found that I didn't wake up one day and be 'cured'. Counselling gives you the tools but it is important to find the right person.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising or like i am being horrible as it's not meant to be in any way at all. I have genuine empathy with what you are saying.

Op, feelings are immune to time, so they are still as fresh as the day you first had them. So if you were hurting badly at 7, and nothing has happened to heal that, then you will still be hurting now, not all the time, but when those feelings are triggered.
The things that helped for me have been therapy( especially inner child stuff), meditation( not even sure why, maybe it helped me have a different relationship to myself), and finding friends who understand and who are either wise or have been through similar stuff, and have healed themselves.

I think you had a hard childhood through poverty and feeling alone and unloved. Your Mothers aggression as defence when you broached it tells me she knows & may or may not feel guilty-and is trying to do it right this time with GC. I went thru similar (but not the poverty). I went thru 3diff Counsellors before I got proper help. The current one just 'gets' that I was unloved, emotionally abused and its had massive ongoing repercussions. He also told me having it out with an abusive parent never goes well, and they deny, say your making it up, play the hurt victim(he's got 30yrs experience so I tend to believe him). What did help was putting it in a letter that I've never sent. That and being not so hard on myself & thinking "what would a kind friend say to me?", rather than hearing in my head, her constant sneering put downs . Be kind to yourself.