AIBU to think this is an over reaction

[Alijane46]

Just need a bit of perspective really on this situation. DS plays for his local football team for 8 years, he’s now 14. Plays with all his mates. Friends husband is the team manager. For some unknown reason he appears to not like my son, always subs him, first to get dropped, not selected etc. This has gone on for seasons and it’s not because he’s crap at football either. It’s become a touch line joke amongst the other parents. One away match my son spent the whole match as sub stood in the pouring rain and was played for the last three minutes. We have raised it with the manager a few times over the years via email but he appears to take a nicely worded email as criticism.

Last weekend DS found out he has been dropped and will not play in two tournaments. Unbeknown to me, DS decided to email the manager and question why he’d been dropped and criticised the way in which he found out ie via his friends and not by email as is normal . For some reason only those boys playing in the tournaments were informed by email. The squad is small enough for the manager to have played all boys in the squad in at least one of the tournaments which to me seems fairer than leaving three kids out entirely. DS’s Email was well worded and polite BUT in his 14 year old wisdom decided to sign the email from me. He sent a second email the following day apologising again signed from me. DS then sent me a text confessing all (I was out for the day), I instantly emailed the manager and explained all, apologised profusely, saying DS was really frustrated but acknowledging he’d gone about this the wrong way. I also texted my friend and asked her to apologise to her husband just in case he hadn’t seen my email. I said DS was in big trouble with me also.

Didn’t hear a thing till the next day when I received a email stating he won’t be able to play next season. The manager was shocked by his email and it had ruined his entire family’s evening.

I know it was disrespectful of DS and it was wrong however I feel it was over the top to kick him out. It was also very out of character for DS to do this, I think this sums up his total frustration with the ongoing situation of being super sub for no good reason. I asked why he hadn’t signed the email himself and he said the manager would never listen to him.

Just for the record I don’t think DS is much better at football than he really is and it’s a community club not some elite football academy.

I know my friend will cut all ties with me now as she will see this as an attack’s on her family. It’s happened with her before and the feud went on for years, she thrives on being a victim! She will try to get all our mutual friends on her side too.

Opinions please?

Find him another football club to play at, cut ties with your friend and her wanker of a husband before she does it to you. And tell all your mutual friends the truth, her husband has some weird problem with your son and leaves him out of all the games through malice. Something a good manager would not do.

Just leave the club. DS1 played from age 4, and we had this several times. We found the clubs where the manager wasn't a parent were usually the fairest.

I wouldn't apologise, I really don't think your DS has done wrong.

Just to add my ex also managed DS2s team for a few years and it was a nightmare. They were playing as U7s, in 7 a side teams. He had a squad of 15 and used to give every kid a turn. As a result of which several twats who thought their average kid was the next Messi called him a cunt every time he subbed their kid off to give another kid a turn. To his face - screamed it in his face at least one time I saw - and were pretty rude to me when I suggested they calm the fuck down. My ex was a twat in many ways but this was one time where he was actually doing the right thing and got nothing but shit for it!

Honestly kids football teams are the work of the devil. I'm told rugby is much more civilised

Thanks for your replies.

I haven’t a problem with DS being subbed just not every bloody match. We pay our subs and just want a fair crack of the whip. It’s distroyed DS confidence and he has asked me why the manager hates him! It’s not really in the spirit of community football in my opinion. Funnily enough the managers son isn’t subbed half as often as my DS.

I hate football that brings out rude parents. I’ve always been very mindful of this so have always acted in a polite way.

Just think it’s a massive overreaction and unesecassy in my opinion.

I don't think it was disrespectful of your ds.
Yes he should not have signed on your behalf but what he said is true and unfortunately the truth hurts. If he can't treat all kids equally and keep his opinions in his head and not to mention be able to take reflect on and try to rectify criticism Whats he doing in the bloody job.
I assume these clubs aren't free or cheap.
You're paying too much for your ds to be left out and standing in the rain. .
I'd also have to know what his problem was. Has your son done something that you may not be ware of. I'm not suggesting he's right to treat him the way he has been.
I'd just want to know why he had such a downer on him.
I'd say. "Look I'm not bothered that you've stopped him coming. To be honest left standing around. He wasn't get much if anything out of it anyway, but What exactly was your problem. What did he do/not do that the other kids did/didn't.
Also don't worry about his wife. She won't speak to you so what. What exactly does she add to your life. She sounds as cranky as him, talk about being made for each other

Awwlookatmybabdspider yes £150subs for the year. If I felt the manager would give me a straight answer then I’d asked but he won’t. He just doesn’t communicate with parents, barely speaks to them at the matches or training.

It’s a no win situation I fear. Just feel bad my DS has spoken out albeit it the wrong way I suppose and he’s been harshly punished in my opinion.

First world problems. Sounds like a simple conversation might have prevented all the negativity perhaps stemming from emails causing mixed messages/confusion.
Also no one is ever happy about being subbed, and someone has to be there on the side line.

I know it’s not a life or death DrLawrence and agree a team needs substitutes, however it shouldn’t be at the expense of one player and the community club football shouldn’t leave a kid feeling crap, it’s had a real impact it’s had on his confidence and self esteem over the years.

Always happy to have a simple conversation but the guy has walked away from a polite conversation in the past which sparked a WW3 response from his wife and the fall out lasted years! As I said earlier no win sitauation!

Rubbish DrLawrence. When you're paying £150 a season you don't expect your dc to be unfairly treated or lose confidence. Yes, for some events you select your best teams and some children miss out but over the course of a season you give all the kids equal opportunities.

Unfortunately some coaches are on nothing but an ego trip.

But to the op, I'm surprised you didn't move him years ago. I hope you will move him now.

Have no choice now ferrier , bottom line has been he just wants to play with his mates.

I'm utterly stunned you allowed your child to be treated this way for 8 YEARS!

Get him playing for another team/club and drop these prejudiced arses!

Frankly I don't blame your son for doing what he did.

Tell him off for signing your name - which was deceitful, but other than that you need to examine why you didn't stand up properly for your son!

"Someone has to be on the side lines."

Yes, but not the same kid week in and week out.

Very unfair of the manager to act like this - it’s not as if they are a professional side. Find him a new club xx

Volunteer yourself.

Not being nasty, but parent after parent complains about the activity their kid does. The activity is normally supported by people who volunteer their time.

The complaining parent "can't" volunteer because [insert reason here] but can and does vocally criticise the ones who DO give up their time. Those that do, their kid pays the same subs yours do.

And they give up hours and hours of time, beyond what you see on the pitch.

Here's a thought... why don't you help ease their burden and (at the same time) see the world through their eyes by volunteering too?

Find another team and don’t stress about it. Smile and be friendly so that your friend doesn’t see this as a slight on her then just don’t engage further

How big is the football club?
If it’s a decent sized club and they’re affiliated with the FA, then the club will have a welfare officer.
I would certainly look at moving clubs, but not before I’ve sent an email to the welfare officer regarding the treatment of your son.
The FA have very clear guidelines about grassroots football and inclusive mentality. I’d certainly want the club secretary to know how a team was being managed to the detriment of a child’s self esteem.

I don't see what your son did wrong apart from sign your name. He had every right to voice disappointment and criticise the way he found out. It sounds like your extreme apologising showed them they could retaliate in an over the top way. Stick up for your son and tell them to stick it. He doesn't deserve to be made to feel this way

Like Graphista I really don't understand why you've let this go on for years. Frankly I think YWBU for the last 8 years.

If it's because you didn't want to lose the football mum friends then you've selfishly put yourself first over a young child which has resulted in a loss of confidence and presumably numerous negative experiences where has felt disappointed or that the coach doesn't like him.

Move him immediately. If any of your friends ask then give them a simple and honest explanation - your DS's confidence is constantly being knocked and you are moving to a team where the play is more fairly allocated.

If they don't want to associate with you after then yes it's tough but new club may have a nice set of parents and I assume you have friends from other social circles e.g. work or other hobbies that you or your kids have.

I'm confused as to why you're apologising to the man who's made your son feel pretty shit.
It sounds from your OP that all your son did was ask why he wasn't playing and acknowledged that it was a shitty way to find out. Fair enough really. Please have your sons back and stop pussy footing around this awful man

The constant parental bitching and poor management was the reason we left football. It was such a shame but as my son said one morning 'why should I get sworn at every Sunday?'; he was a good player, always first picked BUT hated the abuse, saw an innate sense of unfairness with his friends who weren't picked. As he said, 'I do this for fun, and this isn't'

So mover your son to a teach where he will be valued - or start your own team.

Thanks for your replies, the reason we didn’t move club was simply because my DS just wants to play with his mates and probably up until now would not have had the confidence to move club.

My DH has requested to speak to the Chairman of the club to hear our side of the story. If that doesn’t happen this week then an email to the Welfare officer will be sent.

I apologised as I thought it wrong he had signed my name on the email but in hindsight I should have waited until I was at home so I could properly assess what had happened. The apologies were a knee jerk reaction as I didn’t want to rock the boat particularly knowing how previous emails/chats had ended in an ongoing and very public feud between the manager and a set of parents. I also didn’t like the fact my son had been deceitful and not discussed it with us first.

Maybe in hindsight my friendship with the managers wife has clouded my judgement on this issue over the years.

Gotta be honest, let it go and move on. Not start on at the chairman. What is the outcome You are hoping to achieve? A published apology in The Times? Refund of subs?

You've already said your DS won't return. So why prolong it?

Agree that you've put DS last and your friendship with the wife first. I wouldn't have waited 8 years for this. This kind of what the fuck do you think you're doing happens at the beginning when he's been subbed 3 times in a row. Not years later after confidence and self esteem have been decimated.

OP
What a horrible man the manager is to treat your son like that.
Hopefully the new club he joins will be very inclusive and he will make new friends.
It's a great idea that your dh writes/ speaks to the Chairman.
You state other parents have noticed too so hopefully they will back you ( don't count on it).
Who would want to be friends with a woman who condones the actions of her bullying husband.
Distance yourself slowly from her if you can.

We’ve just finished being involved with junior football as Ds3 is 18 and leaves this autumn for university.

Dh has been a manager and would never have treated a young lad in this manner, the bloke is a disgrace.

If your ds wants another club go for it but I’d not let him within spitting distance of that club again while he’s in charge.

I would put a complaint in too, who does he think he is;Pep Guardiola.

Sport for young people is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. It should keep them active, teach them how to work in a team, how to be competitive and also how to handle losses and challenges.
Which is why parents pay membership fees!!

None of those things will be learnt by standing on the sidelines!

My family play a different team sport - hockey. We both are captains of our teams and have 3 children playing in different year groups, and my H coaches several different groups as well.

I think your frustration is justified. Team sports should be about inclusivity - not leaving children out. I'm always really aware for all the players in my squad but especially the juniors, to ensure fair time on the pitch (dependant on where they play on the pitch and who's available to play).
And for my kids - I would be furious if we had gone to an away tournament and they played 3 minutes.

This is worth an email to the welfare office or Head of junior coaching. Not for the purposes of getting a good outcome for you but to prevent this happening for other children.
Yes the coach is probably a volunteer but I guarantee that the subs for his child are reduced as a result of him coaching, and he will be expected to manage the team in a fair way. Clubs WANT members to enjoy their sport, and especially juniors. Coaches behaving like this give clubs a bad name and they may just not be aware of it happening.

I would say now is the time to bow out and focus on your sons resilience and self esteem.
my dd had similar in guides, yes really. and indeed with one of her friends mums. the guides one I witnessed after a bit of low level moaning from dd. She had been excluded from a fair bit. She was the most polite child in the world so god knows why. I took the opportunity to show to dd that life wasnt fair and perfect. I also told her it was completely fine to walk away from situations that made you feel like this. I changed her to a different guides group. and told the original guide leader that it was a shame that dd hadnt felt welcome.
part of educating a child is this kind of thing