AIBU to think this is an over reaction

[Alijane46]

Just need a bit of perspective really on this situation. DS plays for his local football team for 8 years, he’s now 14. Plays with all his mates. Friends husband is the team manager. For some unknown reason he appears to not like my son, always subs him, first to get dropped, not selected etc. This has gone on for seasons and it’s not because he’s crap at football either. It’s become a touch line joke amongst the other parents. One away match my son spent the whole match as sub stood in the pouring rain and was played for the last three minutes. We have raised it with the manager a few times over the years via email but he appears to take a nicely worded email as criticism.

Last weekend DS found out he has been dropped and will not play in two tournaments. Unbeknown to me, DS decided to email the manager and question why he’d been dropped and criticised the way in which he found out ie via his friends and not by email as is normal . For some reason only those boys playing in the tournaments were informed by email. The squad is small enough for the manager to have played all boys in the squad in at least one of the tournaments which to me seems fairer than leaving three kids out entirely. DS’s Email was well worded and polite BUT in his 14 year old wisdom decided to sign the email from me. He sent a second email the following day apologising again signed from me. DS then sent me a text confessing all (I was out for the day), I instantly emailed the manager and explained all, apologised profusely, saying DS was really frustrated but acknowledging he’d gone about this the wrong way. I also texted my friend and asked her to apologise to her husband just in case he hadn’t seen my email. I said DS was in big trouble with me also.

Didn’t hear a thing till the next day when I received a email stating he won’t be able to play next season. The manager was shocked by his email and it had ruined his entire family’s evening.

I know it was disrespectful of DS and it was wrong however I feel it was over the top to kick him out. It was also very out of character for DS to do this, I think this sums up his total frustration with the ongoing situation of being super sub for no good reason. I asked why he hadn’t signed the email himself and he said the manager would never listen to him.

Just for the record I don’t think DS is much better at football than he really is and it’s a community club not some elite football academy.

I know my friend will cut all ties with me now as she will see this as an attack’s on her family. It’s happened with her before and the feud went on for years, she thrives on being a victim! She will try to get all our mutual friends on her side too.

Opinions please?

This is worth an email to the welfare office or Head of junior coaching. Not for the purposes of getting a good outcome for you but to prevent this happening for other children.

This

You should have brought this up with chairman / welfare officer years ago and if no success moved clubs.
To the pp who suggested volunteering, usually I’m all for that but in this case the op would have to work with tosser manager as a voluntary use of her time. Unless your plan was to make yourself essential then say you’re leaving if your son doesn’t get fair treatment.

Friend (managers wife) is ex friend now. Find a new club.

Ds14 was playing for the local team for 4/5 years. It was run by two parents, wife as treasurer etc. Hand on heart every match, every boy would be played for a good while. Yes there were boys who were brilliant who stayed on the entire match, but these were are goal scorers- we wanted them on! But even the boys who tripped over their own feet would be played for at least 30 minutes. To me that's what it's all about. Giving everyone a chance regardless.

Your team sounds shit sorry OP.

Keepserving, did you read my post? My ex did volunteer. He spent a lot of time and money doing so. He got endless shit from parents who thought their kid should play every game all game and never be subbed.

We felt that each kid should get a fair turn. Which is exactly where the OP is coming from. Why should it be her son who is always the sub and rarely gets to play? You all pay the same money.

And volunteering didn't stop the same thing happening to our older son, where his manager refused to ever let him start a game or play for more than 5 mins a match. The final straw for us was a tournament where it went to penalties. DS was the best penalty taker in the team. He asked the manager - can I take one? Manager refused and instead used the goalie who had never taken one before and missed. Team lost. We moved after that and found somewhere fairer.

Honestly? I don't think you should have messaged the manager explaining it as your DS that sent the messages. If the email was well-worded and respectful then what's the issue? The manager is more likely to listen to a parent and I would definitely be sending more strongly-worded emails if I felt my son was being unfairly overlooked/excluded.

He sounds like a dick. A respectful email ruined his families evening? Fuck off.

Agree with PP: move clubs. Your son needs to play as much football as possible. We had a similar situation (son was on the sidelines all the time and so wasn’t improving) Although he wanted to stay with his friends, we moved teams and he loves the new one. A far more positive environment and so he is flourishing . No regrets (and I’ve met some new parents)
I’ve done the volunteering thing for those saying we don’t understand and I agree that you can never please everyone. however your sons current manager isn’t developing team spirit and fairness which I bet are part of the clubs ethos .

PS well done to your son for sticking up for himself. Not easy for a child especially against a figure of authority. I think he did well and I bet the email was well constructed. You should be proud of your son :)

Move clubs and cut all contact with the 'friend', who sounds a bit nasty.

Your son was upset I wouldn't be that angry with him, gosh the manager must get upset easily if an email ruined his evening as for his wife she should really stay out of it ,if she was a real friend she would have understood that your son was upset, I think you are well rid of her

Why are you apologising?

Ds has a right to know why he is constantly not allowed to play. If i was paying £150 i would expect every child to have a turn not just the favourites.

I would find another team that treats all the kids fairly and encourages them not destroy their confidence. My ds used to play when small he wasnt confident nor as good as some others but he always played in a match. They all took turns.

This man is only concerned about some players and not about supporting or encouraging those that arent the next 'Beckham'. Bad management. These are kids not professionals.

First of all your son didn't do anything wrong, it was poor management skills from the manager if your son found out from his mates. I don't understand why you had to apologize instead of sticking of your boy. As others have said move him to another team. Yes he should take a turn of being sub but not at the effect of being the touch line joke.
Shame on the manager but the biggest shame is you for allowing this to happen to a young lad.

Honestly? I don't think you should have messaged the manager explaining it as your DS that sent the messages. If the email was well-worded and respectful then what's the issue? The manager is more likely to listen to a parent and I would definitely be sending more strongly-worded emails if I felt my son was being unfairly overlooked/excluded

Agreed.

I really feel that you dropped your son in it here. I would've taken a hit on this and kept up the pretence that I'd sent the email. I would've had a VERY serious private discussion with my son about not doing this sort of thing again, but after being treated by shit by the coach for eight years(!!), the very least he deserved now was for his parent/s to have his back.

Good for your son to be able to identify when he's being treated unfairly and do something about it - even if what he did wasn't too wise.

Why didn't he ask you do tackle it, I wonder? Did he think you wouldn't do it, that you're afraid of confrontation? Your description of the manager's wife makes me think that you allow others to walk all over you (I don't mean that to be critical, we all have that a bit). Most people would have dropped her as a friend years ago.

I agree with PP. Football should be fun and this guy sounds like a bit of a dick your DS is better off joining a different club.

This happened to my godson, he was either left on the bench or played out of position and there were occasions if he scored his name was omitted from the league results page. He was overlooked for man of the match constantly, even the week he scored five goals.

Whenever he was on the field no encouragement was given, every little mistake was highlighted and even when it wasn't his fault he'd get shouted at.

My godson got frustrated and upset but it just made him more determined. Other parents saw what was going on and were massively supportive of him, to the extent he has won Parents Player and/or Players Player every year he's been on the team (7). Last season he was played the wrong side in defence and was top scorer.

I think a lot of the problems were because the manager's son was outplayed by my godson, who is a very quiet, humble lad. The manager's son was a bad sport, cried a lot and threw fits on the pitch and he didn't like anyone else playing better than he did.

I think it's sad grown men bullying young boys.

Do what you should have done years ago and move clubs or find another sport entirely. New friends can be made. Unfortunately you can't stop people not liking other people.

Move him to a new team. Go out loud. Speak to the safeguarding officer of your club; they must have one.

Demand that THE CLUB return your fees from last season as your son didn't get anywhere close to a fair amount of playing time, in spite of inquiries, and that the ongoing strange vendetta by a grown up against your child isn't acceptable.

He sounds jealous of your child or your family ... hard to say ... but he is taking it out on your child. And that just isn't on.

We have been there with a particular parent/coach in our area and we have made it quite clear that we aren't having it. He's stepped down as a coach, but his son still plays on the team. That has helped. But he's still an influential shit of a man.

Find your son another club to play at. For what it's worth I don't think your son was disrespectful sending a politely worded email- just wrong to sign it from you without telling you- but he seems to know that.

For whatever reason this coach has a problem with your son/ you and he sounds like a power mad bully. I'd try to keep your son's spirits up and get him into another team ASAP. Ditch the friend and her husband.

Volunteer yourself.

Not being nasty, but parent after parent complains about the activity their kid does. The activity is normally supported by people who volunteer their time.

The complaining parent "can't" volunteer because [insert reason here] but can and does vocally criticise the ones who DO give up their time. Those that do, their kid pays the same subs yours do.

And they give up hours and hours of time, beyond what you see on the pitch.

Here's a thought... why don't you help ease their burden and (at the same time) see the world through their eyes by volunteering too?

But the OP can't just volunteer herself to take over the role that someone else is already doing! I'm all for volunteering (and wish more people would do it to support the activities that their children benefit from) but in this situation I can't see how the OP volunteering would have made much difference beyond giving the appearance that she believed that her son should receive 'special treatment' because she was giving up her time.

Well done to your son! Naughty to sign it from you but still well done. He'll do well
In life I think!

Ultimately what's done is done re your DS and the email, and although I agree you shouldn't have apologised you can't take it back now.

You should definitely pursue this with the welfare officer if there is one. There's going to be no effect on your DS now (unless this asshole flounces and therefore your DS can go back on the team) but you may well prevent another child being bullied like this. And make no mistake, it is bullying.

Tell them to shove their team up their arse. I had this for about 3 years with DS and was too bloody nice about it. The final straw was when the coaches nephew and the “star” players didn’t bother to turn up for a month for training or matches as they had games with their other teams, and my DS, who had turned up for every single one, was left standing on the sidelines for the entire semi final game. In the fucking rain, not played for one minute. I had been so polite for so long about it, but we just left and you know what? The coach didn’t give a shit about my sons loyalty or enthusiasm, he just wanted to win.

I have heard that same story 100 x -
Kids football is horrible.

LoafEatersame story here too. Kids left the club to go to a better team, publicly said the team was rubbish etc. Same kids welcomed back and taken up team places the first match of the season! Guess whose kid was the first to be dropped! I did email on that occasion only to receive an email reply addressed to to everyone saying change of heart we are taking the whole squad.

DS has gone to the awards ceremony this afternoon, he was adamant he was going, as he said he’s been part of the team this season so he’s going! Let’s hope no one says anything to him otherwise DH will go round and sort it out once and for all! The more I think about it the more I realised he is either spineless or a power crazed toss pot!

What outcome are you looking for?
If he gets back into the team, he'll still be treated poorly.
I have a kid who plays grassroots. So I understand where you are coming from. But it sounds like a pointless goal, to put him back in a team where he's the butt of the parent's jokes on the sidelines (even if it's not a mean joke). You say the way he was treated dented his confidence. Please do not let that continue. Find him a new team instead. Time to walk away and lose the friend, she doesn't sound like a keeper either.

Why have you let your son be treated like this for EIGHT years??

And now the poor boy is in trouble for trying to do something about it because his mother (and father?) didn't protect his interests like they should have.

Jesus. Poor kid.

Not looking for any outcome Bristolthensome just feel he has been harshly treated and someone should know about this. We have nothing to gain or loose by reporting this.

As for protecting our son, yes I agree in hind sight we should have done something about this years ago, not just a nicely worded email. It’s not been constant every match just an under lying disappointment that he’s never been given a fair chance.

This last season it’s been more noticeable though.

It just disappointing that you have a manger you can’t have a civilised conversation with and discuss things like normal adults.