I know I am. But boy does it sting

[Hisnamesblaine]

Just been informed today that MIL and FIL go on their 3rd foreign holiday this year 7 days after I'm due my 2nd child. NO way do I begrudge them holidays etc. BUT I can't help but compare to how they went about preparing for BIL's 2 babies. Think booking a week off work for both due dates to be on call for impending birth.... childcare issues etc. Even phoning in sick for their shifts to help out etc. What really stings is my family live in a completely different part of the UK hundreds of miles away amd my own mother is in ill health so cant travel down this time. and as my due date is end of August I also have the concern that DS1 will be starting reception and there is the real possibility that if I'm overdue we will desperately need help with school runs etc. There has been issues in the past with BIL and favourtism etc. Which again causes me massive resentment towards all the in laws but generally I keep my head down and try to enjoy my little family. But to be told today at a family event that it's the summer and I will definitely have my early labour as I'm very big and "they can just Tell". Plus the hotel they have just came back from was so nice that they went straight back to the travel agents to book it for september just makes me mad with resentment and worry! Btw they can easily go anytime of the year so it's not a case of it was the only time they could go. AIBU to just expect a little consideration.

Have you discussed this with your husband? Were they more available when you had your first child?

It’s tough op. Sort of similar to you, my family is nowhere nearby and dh’s family has a strong preference for his sibling and gcs on that side. Regular, free childcare, declining most offers to visit us to stay in our spare room, preferring to stay on he sofa at sibling’s house. It’s quite hurtful, especially when you have no family of your own nearby. What does your dh say though? Mine won’t admit there’s any sort of problem, which is actually completely infuriating.

No. My mother came and was at the delivery. They visited etc at the hospital showed interest etc. But didn't go out of their way. And tbf we didn't need much help. I prepped dinners in advance and was ready for months before DS1 was born. Timing isn't on out side this time around with impending birth and start of school days apart. But they know this time around we will struggle. I've been told that I have enough friends that will rally round me. They have their own young family's to get ready for school etc. When compared to BIL'S 2 childrens births it was completely different. Think casseroles cooked for them. Time off work etc. I pray I have the baby early so as not to put anyone out.

My hubby agrees with me but says we will manage! Will we? I hope to god we do. We ask for nothing ordinarily. We work around one another to not rely on anyone's help or have to pay for childcare. That means we are ships in the night. But self reliant. I'm just fed up today.

Just remember when they need help in their dotage you will be too busy /washing your hair.
Leave it all to bil and don't feel guilty.

My hubby is so soft he will do everything for them.

Have they assumed that your mum is the one who is going to there, like she was last time? Are they trying to give you your space? Did they feel a little pushed out by your mum, so withdrew rather than get into a confrontation?

My mum was like this for me & my sister. She lived a long way away and they booked trips to see her and gave her loads of baby clothes/cot/pram etc.
When I had DD, mum was too busy planning her 40th wedding party (2 weeks later, held at a hotel so not actually much to do) and came once for a couple of hours (I lived nearer) then finally a few weeks later came and did a bit to help.
I was actually quite ill, DH had a major crisis at work (he was management, and not even getting paid) and we got pretty much nothing from them.

It's shit. I can't imagine being like this, but loads of families have favorites in them, so we're not alone.

Hope it all goes well, in spite of the in-laws.

Why do you need extra help if your husband is there? I don't understand.

Why do you need extra help if your husband is there? I don't understand.

Presumably so her husband can be at the birth of the baby. Older child will need looked after and depending on timing, possibly taken to school. If op has a bad delivery or c-section she may need her husband to be with her to look after the baby for a while after delivery.

It's not hard to work out really is it?

Kaytee87 spot on

YABU for writing "hubby".

Can your BIL's not have your eldest when the time comes?
You need to forget all the other nonsense about how many home baked casseroles they got, and how much time your PIL's took off work to be with them; it's irrelevant.
You had your own mother with you last time, they probably rightly surmised that they weren't needed.

No no. They were pleased to see my mum. They all got along. They just see us as the ones that don't need any help as we rarely ask for it. Don't get me wrong They are great with DS when they do see him I guess it's the timing of the holiday. They can literally go ANYTIME of the year as they are semi retired. (Still young and fit. Early 60s) I wish to god I had a Crystal ball they they seem to have as to when I am having this baby!

it might actually be easier if you have the baby just before school starts; your DH will be on pat leave and can do the school runs.

BIL has his own 2 kids tho. One at nursery and one in school. 2 different buildings other side of town. Don't see how they could help. Or if they would want to in all honesty

Apologies for the word hubby. I don't actually use it in my everyday talking if that makes it better!

They see you as the ones who don't need any help... Well, there you go. What help do you normally need that they don't provide?
Panicking about desperately needing help with school runs if you go overdue seems a bit OTT, why can't your DH do it?

I think you are BU as most families just manage on their own. When people are retired it's fine to go on holiday. Can a friend be on call or your sil for the delivery? Otherwise can your husband take time off for the school runs.
I'm not being difficult or having a lack of understanding but my babies were born and no one was off with me- there was no paternity leave then and annual leave ran out as they were overdue and it was shift work so couldn't be changed. I didn't have another adult with me at all.

I would hate to be alone at delivery. And yes I am panicking about school etc. I was overdue with DS1 so just have it in my head the same will happen this time around. But yes I appreciate that if need be I will just have to cope. I'm just trying to get my head around the fact they've chosen that week to go!

Are they seriously the only people you know? There's no one else who could look after ds1 for a couple of hours?
You need to put some measures in place now, while you've got time to get him used to a new babysitter/childminder.
Lots of people don't have parents on tap and manage just fine.

O.k fair enough lama. That's me told. Yes there is a distance aunt that could help out. It's a fairly small family and we have never asked friends to help out with childcare before. But as you've Pointed out other people have managed with far less. I'm just having a pity party for one tonight And over thinking as per usual!

Have you ever asked them for help?

I get where you are coming from! Poor you. They are not being fair. Or kind.

Yes. We have. We chatted about possibility of me being overdue. They live 5 mins away so initially said that we didn't have to worry about school runs pick ups with DS. But since Easter they have experienced a close relative death and have since then have decided life is for living and are doing days out etc booking holidays. Gold for them I say. But it's like all previous conversations have been forgotten. And as I stared earlier they are convinced I shall go onto labour early