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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, shake me out of it!

35 replies

Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:07

I know I’m being unreasonable but help me to get a grip!

DS1 is having a birthday party today, I text my sister a photo of his cake earlier. She replied saying oh here’s a picture of my cake, I got married yesterday!

I was pretty shocked, tried to call her but no answer so sent a message saying congrats and what a surprise etc etc (she’s been with her partner 10 years, never been bothered by marriage).

I then got some more photos and basically his DC are there (from 1st marriage, similar ages to us) and some of her friends. All the men in matching ties and his GC as flower girls.

My parents are very upset, they would of loved to be there. I would to but I live abroad (would of travelled!) so if it had been last minute then I could understand but this clearly had been planned for a while.

It’s her life and if it makes her happy then that’s all that matters but I’m feeling really down about it and sad that she didn’t feel she could confide in me....... And angry to be honest that she’s upset my parents so much!

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 30/06/2018 14:08

You’re not being unreasonable that’s shit!!!

jetsetter87 · 30/06/2018 14:09

Oh dear I'd be really upset and not even having the opportunity to attend but she's made it pretty clear she didn't want any of her family there- why would that be?

Ask her why you weren't invited

Tbh I couldn't come back from this- not from my sister Sad

Original poster
Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:11

Her partner doesn’t like our mum, nothing in particular they just haven’t ever really got on. But no big arguments and they are perfectly civil.

We’ve always got on really well, I’m quite shocked she didn’t tell me!

OP posts:
jetsetter87 · 30/06/2018 14:12

I don't think that's any excuse for her mum not to have been invited! I'm sure she would have wished them well and just wants to see her daughter happy

I think your sis is unreasonable tbh unless there is more to it

SleepWarrior · 30/06/2018 14:14

That's got to hurt, I'm sorry.

Eloping, with just your kids is reasonable, although people will be disappointed to not have been there. It's not offensive though. Some of her friends (so not even just one witness) but no family, well that stings.

Is there some family history or difficulty that may have caused this? From her perspective I guess there must be Sad

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/06/2018 14:16

Im reading your OP as his DC are the same age as you and your sister, so there's an age gap - he's the same age as your parents (broadly speaking) .

Perhaps he is driving this wedding - normally two reasons for that - (a) pensions (b) terminal illness (sorry) and he's making sure she doesn't clobber for inheritance tax.

SleepWarrior · 30/06/2018 14:16

What's her relationship with her DH like? He's not controlling is he? That was my first thought when I saw he doesn't like your mum.

user1493413286 · 30/06/2018 14:17

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be hurt and it’s not a very nice way of finding out

Original poster
Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:18

Yes he is the same age as our parents and his DC same age as us.

He’s always been very polite but I guess never overly friendly and obviously sees his DC as more important than us - they have no children together so my sister has always been super close to mine as she always said they’d be the closest thing to having her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:19

I would say a little controlling yes, he’s quite set in his ways and has been prone to sulking if he doesn’t get his own way

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 30/06/2018 14:21

I think that was terribly selfish of her. I hope she's aware of the fallout this could cause. And what a way for her to tell you.

It would be understandable if it had been kept to just them but having his children and GC there, plus friends is certain to make your family feel horribly excluded.

Original poster
Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:23

I don’t know how best to handle it really, she isn’t always the easiest to talk to! And I’m mindful I’m a plane ride away and don’t get to see her that often.

I actually feel very teary about it. Even if we’d known but not gone I could of got excited for her and talked about dresses etc but it’s a total snub

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 30/06/2018 14:24

He's has his children and grand children - she doesn't have any
Did he invite his siblings? If not, then she is not unreasonable to not invite hers.

There is clearly a bigger reason behind this. Disapproval of age gap difference? Or simply that he's tidying up financial affairs before his dotage kicks in

IknowIWBUbut · 30/06/2018 14:25

I would love to get married without inviting some of my siblings because although to the eye we get on I find them incredibly judegemental and arrogant. I'm sure they would be surprised if I didn't invite them too.

I'm not saying that you are like this OP but is there a chance that your sister feels like she is not close enough with you to invite you? Or are there traits you have that she might fear would upset her day? Perhaps she has never felt she had your support because of the age gap?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 30/06/2018 14:27

YANBU. That does sound very inconsiderate of her!

OwlinaTree · 30/06/2018 14:28

Well if she didn't feel she could invite your parents, she couldn't really have invited you without putting you in the middle of it.

UnicornMummy27 · 30/06/2018 14:28

OMG I would be gutted and I would most certainly not make a big deal out of it to show her oh well, life goes on!! You have congratulated her and she can’t even be assed to pick up your phone or respond. So don’t cut her off instead just casually update her on things and carry on as if nothing happened. Sending pics etc of stuff going on as usual. DO NOT emphasise on your disappointment. It’s her life and she has made it clear others take priority over her own family. If she wants to treat you and your family like this then she doesn’t deserve the attention or fuss either. She has obviously had those involved that matter to her more than her own. If at some point she mentions her wedding or wants to chat about it to tell you how amazing it was. You just interrupt the convo and say something like, “yeh that’s normal, everyone has that I suppose, no biggy!!” Then chat about what’s going on or what’s happened in your life that’s more interesting to yourself. As for your parents I’m sure they must feel so hurt. You can only try and be there for them!!

Original poster
Domino211 · 30/06/2018 14:28

We’ve always talked about the age gap and I’ve honestly always been very supportive. She had some terrible luck with men before so I was just glad she was happy! My parents did have some reservations but never voiced them but maybe they didn’t hide it as well as I thought......

We are close, talk and message often, she visits us and we her when we’re back etc. I’m the first person she calls in a bad path etc.

My guess is he said our parents couldn’t come and she couldn’t see a way for me to go without it upsetting them even more

OP posts:
Gazelda · 30/06/2018 14:31

Wow, I'd be very upset too, and angry that she's upset your parents. The very least she could have done is not send the pics to save you finding out that friends were at the wedding she'd not invited her parents to.
I think I'd leave the ball in her court now. I wouldn't cut her off, but she must know how she's hurt her family.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/06/2018 14:35

My guess is he said our parents couldn’t come

You are massively over projecting about him without any substance whatsoever...then you say this : she isn’t always the easiest to talk to!.

Maybe this was her choice?

bringincrazyback · 30/06/2018 14:47

YANBU at all! How hurtful.

calzone · 30/06/2018 14:52

I would be very upset as well.

Send a card and wish her well. It’s really all you can do.

crispysausagerolls · 30/06/2018 14:54

Ouch!!! YANBU

IknowIWBUbut · 30/06/2018 14:55

Did she even give a brief explanation as to why you weren't invited?

diddl · 30/06/2018 14:57

Does she get on with you & parents?

Perhaps she didn't want any of you there?!