I am being unreasonable, shake me out of it!

[Domino211]

I know I’m being unreasonable but help me to get a grip!

DS1 is having a birthday party today, I text my sister a photo of his cake earlier. She replied saying oh here’s a picture of my cake, I got married yesterday!

I was pretty shocked, tried to call her but no answer so sent a message saying congrats and what a surprise etc etc (she’s been with her partner 10 years, never been bothered by marriage).

I then got some more photos and basically his DC are there (from 1st marriage, similar ages to us) and some of her friends. All the men in matching ties and his GC as flower girls.

My parents are very upset, they would of loved to be there. I would to but I live abroad (would of travelled!) so if it had been last minute then I could understand but this clearly had been planned for a while.

It’s her life and if it makes her happy then that’s all that matters but I’m feeling really down about it and sad that she didn’t feel she could confide in me....... And angry to be honest that she’s upset my parents so much!

I'd say "hey I'm really happy for you and x hon, it looks like such a special day ....how come the others went and not us.....bit hurt tbh, you're not ashamed of us or something are you - I'm your sis, I would have so wanted to be there!"

I’d congratulate her but make it clear I was pissed of.

I'd definitely give a "that's such a shame, I would've loved to be there or talk wedding with my sister..! congratulations though" civil but guilt trip. She deserved the guilt trip IMO before anyone jumps down my throat as to how horrible I am for that. YANBU

I have a different relationship to my parents than my sister does. I often don't pick up on the sly digs at my sister that she finds very upsetting.

I keep the relationships separate and don't let myself get caught up in their arguments.

Why don't you text her 'Can I ask why we weren't invited?'

MyShinyWhiteTeeth - I think you may be onto something with the different relationships. Mine with my parents is very close but that might be because of my DC (they are very doting GPs). I know they don’t see her too often, good 3.5 hour drive between them, but neither have ever said anything massively negatively be about each other. We’ve been away nearly 6 years so I am quite removed from the day to day.

I have messaged congratulations and that she looked lovely. I don’t want to guilt trip her or anything at the moment as I want her to be happy as a newlywed! We will be visiting in August so I think it’s be better face to face

Perhaps it wasn't such a big deal for her and it was more important to her DH iyswim. Hence her flippancy when you sent her the picture. I hope this all turns out ok for you OP. l understand your upset and hurt but she may not have meant anything by it , just wanted to get it over with in a way after 10 years together. On the other hand perhaps this was the only way HE would agree to get married . Despite her saying she wasn't bothered about getting married perhaps she really was deep down. If she has not invited you because of the awkwardness over your parents then you may have been saved an awfully difficult decision. Don't hold it against her, in my eyes she may have been between a rock and a hard place.

You don’t seem overly upset... weird, is it just me or that a wedding of a sibling is a VERY big deal and a sibling you get on with and not only were you not invited, you had no knowledge of either .. and still feel close to that sibling!!! hence You will be visiting in August? Is that visit something preplanned or an invite from her?? In either case best to double check it’s still on as wouldn’t be surprised she has her own plans. Personally I wouldn’t even bother and plan something else come August! And make out wasn’t a big deal not visiting and much rather you spend that time doing something nice with the parents instead. You seem so laid back, maybe that’s why your so lenient over this OP, but then I suppose I would have felt insulted and embarrassed and I would never be as lenient as that!! Distant relative, old friend etc being the exception but bio sisters wedding and my parents and myself not given the respect. Woah!!

My sister did almost exactly this. She actually phoned my parents and told my parents on the morning of the wedding and asked them not to tell me in case I ruined her wedding! I thought we were okay until then (she had been my bridesmaid), we talked regularly and I thought everything was fine. And no, I would neither have said or done anything to spoil her wedding. I have no idea where that idea came from.
I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers and a message congratulating her, because I didn't want there to be anything that could be used against me. But we haven't really spoken since then and I'm okay with that. I don't care at all about the wedding, but I'm hurt by the assumption that I would have behaved so badly, with absolutely no evidence.
BTW, my sister and her husband have a large age gap, but so do my husband and I so it really isn't an issue.

Their wedding, their choice. It sounds from your description as though they went for no family apart from his DC, and her friends as a kind of compromise. You ANBU to be disappointed, but YWBU to make this about anyone else but your DSis and your BIL.