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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents won't come visit us

40 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 30/06/2018 13:02

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but this really annoys me.

Have 1 Dd who is 2. Dd is lucky enough to have 2 sets of grandparents. One set are slightly younger, both work full time still and more than happy to come to our house which we have just brought and is ideal for Dd (flat garden, all her stuff is here, etc)

Other set of grandparents (my parents) pretty much refuse to come and visit us and expect us to go them all the time. We're not talking miles, the other end of town so 10 minutes in a car. Their house isn't really child proof, garden has steps all over it, and my mum smokes although has cut down a lot. Both are retired, but still demand that we take Dd round either after nursery during the week (we both work full time) or at the weekend. If we miss a weekend then the comments about they never see Dd start!

I would understand if my parents didn't have any way of getting here or weren't fit and able but they have just got back from a 3 week cruise which involved driving to the port and lots of walking on holiday, but won't drive 10 minutes to our house.

Today my mum asked when I was going round. We are starting to potty train Dd so I explained I wanted a day here so Dd is near the bathroom whenever she needs it and I got a very frosty response they we could put her in a nappy for a few hours which defeats the whole point!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 30/06/2018 13:04

Of course you’re not being unreasonable! I would visit every two weeks. If you get a frosty response about the week in between, tell them it’s their turn to visit you. (Although you don’t have to see them weekly if it don’t want to).

LiveLifeWithPassion · 30/06/2018 13:07

What do they say when you invite them to yours?

Original poster
Alwaysinthewrong86 · 30/06/2018 13:08

There's always some excuse...dad needs a nap in the afternoon, they can't park at ours (parking is terrible but we have a driveway for 1 car so agree we'll.move our car off and park elsewhere so they have the drive) that dad has to take pills at set times and eat at set times, which we then agree to work round but they still say no.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 30/06/2018 13:08

Can't you just tell her she needs to come to you? Or start having little BBQs/parties and invite them round? Tell them every time the other dgps visit, and maybe they'll want to be part of it all too? They have to make an effort, surely?

LiveLifeWithPassion · 30/06/2018 13:11

Tell them ‘sorry we can’t come this weekend. You’re more than welcome to come over otherwise, see you next week’

redastherose · 30/06/2018 13:21

Don't give in to them. They are used to saying jump and you jumping. You have a DD who needs her routine and her family time to be fun, which it probably isn't at their house. Ask them to your house, if they refuse then say ok fine, if they then start the guilt tripping just turn it back in them. Say to them you were asked on x day and refused to visit, you are welcome this week on whatever day suits you. If they demand you visit them say 'DD is increasingly mobile and needs her own toys and a safe place to play' and do also make a point of saying that second hand smoke is a serious health risk for a small child (or anybody) which they should appreciate you don't want to expose her to on a regular basis.

BackforGood · 30/06/2018 13:28

Agree with everyone else - just say 'Can't make it this week - you are welcome to come to ours Tus afternoon, thurs evening or Sat morning if you like, if not, see you next week. Then stick to it.

longwayoff · 30/06/2018 13:35

You are an adult with your own responsibilities. You dont need to indulge your parents whims. Stop indulging them.

Original poster
Alwaysinthewrong86 · 30/06/2018 13:35

Thank you everyone for the replies. It's much appreciated.

We have tried a lot of the above but then the guilt trips starts. They also try and turn it into a competition between dh's parents as well, and will moan that they have seen Dd more. When I say it's because they come to ours more often they then say that we never invite them! So we can't win.

OP posts:
arghnooooooo · 30/06/2018 13:37

our house which we have just brought

Where did you bring it?

(sorry, my DP keeps making that mistake too and it really grates on me...)

Ceecee18 · 30/06/2018 13:42

My mom used the guilt trips as well OP, I've just had to learn to ignore them and my life is so much less stressful now I have! Just say as a pp said they are welcome to come to yours, if not then see you next weekend. Stop taking her there weekly, and they will just have to get used to it.

Is it by any chance that they aren't allowed to smoke in your house?

Flexoset · 30/06/2018 13:48

Sorry, but they are the ones being selfish and awkward and you need to draw a line and ignore the guilt trips.

redhappydance · 30/06/2018 13:49

Please learn to ignore the guilt trips!!

Seriously op, it's so manipulative. Been there, done that, it only gets worse unless you put a stop to it.

They will soon realise that they can't manipulate you and that the world doesn't revolve around them.

No need for any confrontation, just a simple, breezy "that won't work for us, you're more than welcome to pop by".

After a few weeks they'll get the message. You could try doing it via text so that you literally have it in writing that you've offered them to come round.

Sarahjconnor · 30/06/2018 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

llangennith · 30/06/2018 14:41

They can demand but you have the choice of giving in to their demands or saying no. Stop taking her round after nursery, take her home to have time with her you and her father.
At weekends do what suits you as a family.
Your parents can try and guilt-trip you but, again, you have the choice whether to be made to feel guilty or ignore it.

BananaHarvest · 30/06/2018 14:46

Ignore the guilt tripping completely. If they say they never see you agree it’s sad they don’t visit you but are always welcome.
You’ll need more than one day at home to potty train a 2 year old. Don’t give in just say you’d love to but your daughter needs routine even more now you’re potty training. Reinforce your love them to visit.
Just smile and agree it’s hard but you’d love them to pop around. Don’t entertain any feelings of guilt and don’t give in as they’ll see their tactics as working.

LannieDuck · 30/06/2018 14:48

Why does their guilt-tripping affect you so much?

Take her around there once a week (assuming you're happy to do so), and whenever DM asks to see DD more, invite tell them they're welcome to visit whenever they want. That way you're making a regular effort, and you're open to much more contact if they wish. Nothing to be guilt-tripped about.

They're being ridiculous.

ltk · 30/06/2018 14:54

Of course YANBU. And it's your choice to feel guilty or not. Stop choosing it.

Rainydaydog · 30/06/2018 15:00

Turn the guilt trip back on them. Eg I thought you would want to help out a bit more with dd like dh parents do etc.

AdoraBell · 30/06/2018 15:05

Ignore the guilt trip. And if/when they say you don’t invite them point out that you have invited them many times. Then change the subject.

GertrudeBelle · 30/06/2018 15:10

I agree with rainy day dog. You need to play them at their own game. So lots of “oh it’s such a shame you can’t fit us in, you are missing out on seeing DD so much” and “oh I would have thought you’d want to see DD” and mild frostiness when they turn you down.

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2018 15:14

So we can't win.

No.Because you're playing by their rules.

Visit them no more than twice a month when it's convenient to you both.

After that they have to come to you. Or they miss out

welshmist · 30/06/2018 15:21

I hate to say this but it's usually granddad's who are behind this. When you are retired they dictate and moan. It's not easy to stand up to them when you live with them 24 _ 7 but it needs doing by grannies. Their bloody afternoon naps, watering the garden, washing the car, mealtimes, menus. All at set times is infuriating

ScrubTheDecks · 30/06/2018 15:24

They are being very passive aggressive.

Just deal with it all head on.

“If you would like to see her more, you are always welcome to come over”
“Yes we do invite you. And you are my Mum: you are welcome to ask if you can pop over anytime”
“I agree, I would be happy for you to see her more often. But we are busy, and sometimes it would be good if you took a turn coming here instead of us coming to you”
“It is easier if you come to us in this hot weather because the garden is flat and we have her outdoor toys here / sunshade up”..

Just keep at it calmly like a stick record.

ooobisto · 30/06/2018 15:24

If my parents smoked around my children they wouldn't be seeing them at all, and I know several people that have made the same stance. It's completely unreasonable of your Mum!

Try to assess from your parents what the real issue is? There must be something underneath this behaviour?

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