Parents won't come visit us

[Alwaysinthewrong86]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but this really annoys me.

Have 1 Dd who is 2. Dd is lucky enough to have 2 sets of grandparents. One set are slightly younger, both work full time still and more than happy to come to our house which we have just brought and is ideal for Dd (flat garden, all her stuff is here, etc)

Other set of grandparents (my parents) pretty much refuse to come and visit us and expect us to go them all the time. We're not talking miles, the other end of town so 10 minutes in a car. Their house isn't really child proof, garden has steps all over it, and my mum smokes although has cut down a lot. Both are retired, but still demand that we take Dd round either after nursery during the week (we both work full time) or at the weekend. If we miss a weekend then the comments about they never see Dd start!

I would understand if my parents didn't have any way of getting here or weren't fit and able but they have just got back from a 3 week cruise which involved driving to the port and lots of walking on holiday, but won't drive 10 minutes to our house.

Today my mum asked when I was going round. We are starting to potty train Dd so I explained I wanted a day here so Dd is near the bathroom whenever she needs it and I got a very frosty response they we could put her in a nappy for a few hours which defeats the whole point!

Sorry for the rant!

‘We never see her’
‘You know where she lives’

That would drive me mad. Go on visiting strike but every time do the 'no we're not coming to you but you're welcome here, we'll change meals and provide parking and a nap space for dad'. It's stressful and very unrelaxing being somewhere when're you can't let dc run about safely.

I'd be tempted to be very mean and rabbit on and on about the great time the PiL's have with DD every time they come, and how close they are to her because they see her such a lot 😁

I would just ignore them and wait until they suggest to come to you. Couldn't be doing with all that.

My dad invited me and partner over for a bbq yesterday and when we got there said i should have been doing it at my house... I'm 38 weeks pregnant!

He has to take his pills at home? How does he manage on holiday? Stick to your guns. They are choosing this situation.

I agree with most posters here. Invite them over to yours and if they decline just say oh that’s a shame maybe see you next week. My pils do this all the time and we stopped tracking over to their house all the time and reminded them that they know where we live and our door is always open

Have you sat down and had a proper conversation:
We'd like to show you our new home and welcome you in it?
I'm a bit pfb about the childproofing?
I just don't want to bring DD into a smoking environment?
What are the reasons you don't want to come to our house?

It does sound like a bit of a control thing going on and that they want your presence/effort etc.

Also, could they not go and pick DD up from nursery one afternoon per week? And drop her off when you're home?

Are you an only child or do you have a sibling that they do everything for?

Oldies can be awkward. It could be something silly like they're not sure where you keep the mugs or tea bags or because they don't want to keep asking you for every small this and that. Dig your heels in. It's early days......

Please ignore the guilt trips, or you'll end up always going to visit them. If they can't make the effort, why should you?.

The second hand smoke would be enough to stop me visiting them.

Don't go.

Work out how often its convenient to go there. If that is once or twice a month then go once or twice a month. Leave the standing invitation for them to come to you.

We had this issue and both sets of GPs were too far for day trips. One set were happy to stay us, the others expected us to visit them because it was "more convenient". There was also no compromise on routine etc when there. It was just exhausting and no break for us. There was no reason why they could not come to us occasionally other than they chose not to.

We mostly stopped going. I was no longer prepared to spend precious holiday tiptoeing around two entirely able bodied people who would not compromise. However it took me years of feeling the obligation before I just lost it and stopped going. Its very difficult when you want to support the relationship with the children. With hindsight I should have changed things sooner.

Oldies can be awkward.

People can be awkward, its nothing to do with age. We have here one set of DGPs who can compromise and one who can't. I see no suggestion that they are decades apart in age, just different mindsets.

Agree with almost all PPs. You really just need to answer one question:

1. Are you going to let your parents’ guilt trips determine your daughter’s life?

So far, they’ve been able to guilt trip you because you’ve let them make you believe that their wants and needs are more important than your family’s (you, DH, and DD) - they’re not. And your daughter won’t be two forever. Don’t expose her to a pattern of letting family members emotionally manipulate you.

Explaining that you’re trying to potty train her and your mum saying to just stick a nappy on her for a few hours, says it all - your parents aren’t concerned about your daughter’s needs, so you’ll have to be. You sound like a caring mum who is trying to do her best, so don’t let your parents derail that.

And if they pull any crap about you not being a good daughter (ah, the guilt trips), remind them that you’re an adult and, in this case, being an adult means prioritizing being there for your DD over being at their beck and call, and they’re welcome to come visit at yours. End of discussion (because otherwise they’ll just keep on with more guilt and excuses). And have these because I know it’s not a pleasant conversation.

You have a toddler. The rules of toddlers are very simple - don’t give in to bad behaviour no matter what. You know this. Once a bad behaviour works then the toddler will keep on doing it over and over.

What you also have is two people who are behaving like toddlers. Their bad behaviour (pulling guilt trips) is working so they will keep on doing them.

Unless you stop.

You need to be very strong here.

No matter what they say you have about three replies:-

“Actually it is our turn to host. Let us know when you want to come. We are free on Saturday am or Tuesday evening.”
“Yes - it is a shame you haven’t seen dd for a while. Let us know when you want to come over and see her. We are free on Saturday am or Tuesday evening.”
“Yes - Susie and Frank do seem to be seeing dd a lot more than you - they are always keen to come over! Let us know when you want to come over and see us all. We are free on Saturday am or Tuesday evening.”

Invite them over once a month, and accept their invitation once a month. Miss weeks occasionally. I presume they don’t smoke at yours at all and not around your dd at theirs.

My df’s wife felt slighted the first time they came here and has kicked up an almightly fuss about coming here since - their loss, we go to theirs regularly but we don’t compensate for their lack of visits.

“Oldies can be awkward. It could be something silly like they're not sure where you keep the mugs or tea bags or because they don't want to keep asking you for every small this and that. “

Oh, FFS.