Teenage son talking to '20 year old man' online

[Worriedmum1977]

Would it concern you if your 13 year old son was talking to a 20 year old man online, a man who is apparently a singer in America? My son heroworships this guy after following him on instagram and YouTube, and apparently my son sent him a private message which this man replied to. Then last night they were suddenly playing Xbox together?

I lost my shit quite a bit. I explained to my son that

1. He does not know who this man is
2. It is very odd that a man is engaging so much with a 13 year old
3. This man could be grooming him and have bad intentions

My son thinks I am an awful unreasonable person because he claims OF COURSE he knows who this man is, he has 100k followers, there are photos of him, and videos of him talking and that's exactly the same voice that he has when he's talking to them.....

I was explaining that all the above may be true, but it is not right that a 20 year old is enagaging so much with a 13 year old online and his intentions may not be good.

Apparently all internet safety and grooming concerns do NOT apply to my son because this guy is really nice and just talking to a fan My son is horrified that I would think badly of someone and that not everyone is a paedophile .

I just can't seem to get this into his head

I have told him he is not to speak to this man again. But my son seems to think I'm evil and cutting a friendship

So AIBU or would you share the same concerns?

Nightmare!

Well done for being on top of it

Keep talking to your son

I have a 13yr old DS and at that age they think they know everything....

YANBU and I'd be exactly the same.

You're protecting him. If this man is so successful, then why's he spending his online time with a child??

PM me his name OP and I'll do some sleuthing.

A compromise might be to allow your son to communicate with him but insist on seeing the communications. You could also research this man yourself and form an opinion of him. If your son is in the uk and the man is in the states, what harm can he do.

My son is 23 and still plays online games. There us often an issue with teens being in the game and on the chat boards, sometimes the language can get a bit strong, sometimes the younger ones flounce and have tantrums or are bloody rude. The games have an international membership.
So I agree, you need to know what your child is doing and who they are talking to. Not because the internet is crowded with paedophiles, but because he might not be ready to navigate an adult world independently yet.

Yes he's in America what
possible
harm could he do?

I've been in the same situation as this YouTuber, with children talking to me, he should have absolutely asked your ds for your contacted details, routed all conversation through you, and kept things to a minimum.
The fact that he hasn't would raise a red flag with me in all honesty.

How can he be even sure this guy is who he says he is?

He may not be even the real youtuber, and to your DS he "sounds like him" as has an American accent....

I met someone online when I was 14 and he was 20 in those chat room things that were popular years ago. I don’t think my mum would have been happy with that either looking back. We got on really well though and still in touch now 14 years on.

What harm could he do ? Is that a serious comment ?

Op, this is very serious. Could you speak to the safeguarding officer at school and get some advice ? Perhaps they could talk to your son and get him to hear some common sense from someone other than his mother.

I would also contact CEOPs.

Yes, what AnyFucker says. See if the school might do a ‘talk’ on it. I agree it’s serious. There was a bit murdered who met his murderer in exactly this scenario. Might be worth getting him to watch the documentary. It focused very much on how the teenage boy ‘thought he knew’ the online guy, and how sophisticated the grooming was.

Google Breck Bednar.
That's what harm it can do.

Can I ask what CEOPS is?

The poster was being heavily ironic there Any. But I do agree with the rest of your advice. At our school, when the police came in, they also said they had specialist officers to deal with this situation and parents and kids could contact them.

Its up to each parent how they handle this, but having discovered ro my horror that my DD (who was then 12 yrs) was communicating with an unknown Slovenian man through Minecraft, who was pretending to be 15 yrs, who was telling my daughter that he had been thrown out by his parents, was suicidal, and she was the only one who could "save him" ....

Thankfully we disovered this early on and we were able to take prompt and swift action (involving police) before any harm was done but ...

I respectfully take the opposite view to Summerisacuminin precisely because the Internet IS crowded with paedophiles.

Op read the CEOPs and NSPCC advice about this together with your son. One of them (I forget which) v helpfully sets out the dangers and controls you should have received: each individual game.

Then get your son to watch here with you.

We have a rule that DD can only play games on-line with people she knows in rl.

What harm could he do ?

Google Breck Bednar then you'll realise what a daft statement that is.

You have no idea if this man is who he claims to be. Even if he is who he claims to be, why would a 20 year old man have an interest in developing a friendship with a teenage boy?
If OP had posted saying her 13 year old daughter was talking to a 20 year old man online I bet the response would be different. Boys can be victims of grooming and CSE too.

OP I work in a safeguarding role and rule number one is, if something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Trust your instincts. Contact the Police on the non emergency number and they ask them to check this guy out. They will not dismiss your concerns or think you're overreacting. There is a huge focus on CSE and online grooming at the moment as it's so much more widespread than many people realise.

Just realised the "what harm could he do" comment was sarcastic
Unfortunately I deal with parents every day who genuinely think like that.

ceops without going in to lots of detail I know of someone in a similar situation and they were amazing. They act internationally too.

The poster who comments 'what harm could he do' was being ironic and has provided a link to a news story about a Canadian man who flew to Ireland to have sex with a 14 year old girl he had been grooming online.
Yes I think OP needs to have a talk with her ds about internet safety. On the other hand some YouTube stars do connect with fans and it could be that this is all innocent and they really are just playing X box games. 100k followers is not that many by YouTube standards, and this guy might be just starting out and not aware of how to handle young fans properly including parents or guardians in comments, as a pp
who is a YouTuber described above.
So have a proper talk with your DS about staying safe online, or get someone he trusts if he won't talk with you.

Sorry took me so long to type that on tiny tablet - see advice about CEOPS and Breck Bednar has already been given! Good luck op! Be firm with your son. This situation is really serious.

My apologies if NP was being ironic

Definitely CEOP not police (who would , I hope, just direct you to CEOP anyway)

Check out this link -
www.thinkuknow.co.uk/

Nooooope. Nope nope nope. So many red flags here. YANBU and you should stick to your guns.

Police would direct you to CEOP.

I immediately thought of Breck Bednar too.
I saw the documentary about him recently - last week I think it was on.
Awful.

YANBU. I would be worried too. You have every reason to keep a very close eye on this situation, and make sure he doesn't give out personal details (his real name/his address etc,) and that he never meets him. Very rarely are people exactly who they say they are on the internet.

However, a bunch of people on here were saying the other day that it's fine for a 16 y.o. girl (still a child) to be friends with a 22 y.o. woman. By coming out with daft examples like 'well I am 33, and have a friend of 63!' Not even remotely the same.

Be interesting to see if people say the same about this with it being a man. 13 and 20, isn't all that different to 16 and 22. There is still a 6-7 year age gap, and a world of difference between the 2 ages.

I think the 16 y.o. being friendly acquaintances, with the 22 y.o., and chatting now and again, like at work, or on the driveways of their homes is OK to be honest. But not best mates who do everything together (go out of an evening, go to concerts together, go away together. Just no.)

A 22 y.o. is way more adult and mature than a 16 y.o. The difference between those two ages is huge. Same with 13 and 20.

As I said though, I wonder if peoples reactions will be the same with the 2 being male.

They seem to be different so far..........

Although I'm sure someone will come along and say 'yeah! but those were probably difference PEOPLE on that other thread!'

Funny really, how that's always the case!!!