Teenage son talking to '20 year old man' online

[Worriedmum1977]

Would it concern you if your 13 year old son was talking to a 20 year old man online, a man who is apparently a singer in America? My son heroworships this guy after following him on instagram and YouTube, and apparently my son sent him a private message which this man replied to. Then last night they were suddenly playing Xbox together?

I lost my shit quite a bit. I explained to my son that

1. He does not know who this man is
2. It is very odd that a man is engaging so much with a 13 year old
3. This man could be grooming him and have bad intentions

My son thinks I am an awful unreasonable person because he claims OF COURSE he knows who this man is, he has 100k followers, there are photos of him, and videos of him talking and that's exactly the same voice that he has when he's talking to them.....

I was explaining that all the above may be true, but it is not right that a 20 year old is enagaging so much with a 13 year old online and his intentions may not be good.

Apparently all internet safety and grooming concerns do NOT apply to my son because this guy is really nice and just talking to a fan My son is horrified that I would think badly of someone and that not everyone is a paedophile .

I just can't seem to get this into his head

I have told him he is not to speak to this man again. But my son seems to think I'm evil and cutting a friendship

So AIBU or would you share the same concerns?

*different people on the other thread - not 'difference!' ^

Please Google the Breck Bednar case. And his mother DID flag it up to the police.

I actually got my teenagers to watch the recent programme about Breck with me. It is shocking but they are so cocky at that age about how they are not idiots and would never arrange to meet someone. Brecks grooming took place over a year and he at that point had become isolated from all his real friends. This may be totally innocent with your son but I would watch the programme as it will give you some flags to look for. (or I guess it could completely freak you out!!)
Could you do some online research on the other guy to find out a bit more. My 13 year old son does some online games with people he does not know but he says he does not talk to them other than game related stuff so there is no pretence at friendship. I still keep a close eye!

Another example of possible harm

www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/news/11558699.US_teenager__flew_to_UK__the_day_before_he_tried_to_stab_woman_to_death/

The documentary on Breck Bednar is on bbc iPlayer if you are in the UK OP- perhaps you could watch it with your son - absolutely I would be concerned. Best of luck

No objection Scoopofchaff, there are a huge number of paedophiles online.
OP.’s son sounds naive, and she is right to take control whilst educating him about risk. But that involves discussion and him understanding, rather than straight ban and control without comprehension, because otherwise he will still be naive at 18 and vulnerable. That’s what I meant by adult world.

We are totally on the same page there SumerisIcuminin!

If he's a well known Youtuber he's probably got to interact with fans to keep his subscribers up.
And the chances are it's innocent. I wouldn't be too worried if after looking him up, everything seemed ok. I would however try and find out what it is they're talking about, but he probably just sees your son as a fan.

Came on to say Breck Bednar too but lots of you have already mentioned it.

You sound like a switched on mum, OP.

When I was 17 (when the internet first “appeared”) I was in MSN chat rooms talking to God knows who and giving them all sorts of identifiable information, there was no safe guarding in place in the late nineties because it was all brand new.

My parents had not a clue what I was doing.

Do you know for sure that your son is actually talking to the Youtuber, to begin with?

How did they get in touch or get contact details? Could someone else have got hold of your son's details and be posing as this youtube star? If so, doing checks on the star won't do much good. He may well check out to be a really great bloke. The problem is that isn't who your son is talking to.

There have been several episodes of the TV programme Catfish where people have posed as famous people and struck up on line relationships. Some were quite obvious but some took some serious investigation to work out who they were actually talking to. In one case a woman somehow intercepted a conversation between a girl and a famous sportsman and basically engineered all sorts of weird situations. Neither of the parties involved knew who they were actually talking to and I think the woman actually got charged by the police.

Even if it does turn out to be genuine, as PP have said, why does a 20 year old want to be chatting with a 13 year old unless maybe your son is pretending to be older maybe?

Seconding above suggestion of the thinkyouknow website. My DC's school did some classes based on the videos on that site, very powerful and good discussion starters at home: www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/Films/matt/

Lots of posters have already suggested this, but please watch it OP. It really shows the potential dangers of making friends online with someone when you have absolutely no idea if they are who they say they are and when you are young an naive. Breck's DM did pretty much everything she could've been expected to do and this terrible tragedy still happened:

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p03cgtx5/murder-games-the-life-and-death-of-breck-bednar?suggid=p03cgtx5

Why does a 20 yo want to talk to a 13 yo?
As I mentioned, if they are gamers, it happens. It’s up to the parents of the child to protect them. My adult children are neither interested in grooming children or anything else alarming.
However, children invade area that have adults in them. They are not closely monitored by parents, they have internet access and privacy in their own rooms. Gaming sites, YouTube, social media...
Not everyone is safe, not everyone is a predator.

Invade? Where did that come from? I meant wander into.

The original "what harm can it do" comment was not being ironic. When I read it I just couldn't believe that people believe that. It was refuted further down the thread.

The Breck Bednr documentary should be shown in every secondary school in this country. The length of time these paedophiles take to groom their victims is astonishing.

Online anyone can be whoever they want to be. Eddie from Wigan can be Eugene a multi millionaire from L.A.

It pisses me off that so many parents have their head in the clouds (absolutely not talking about the OP).

I'm on a PTA at a secondary school, and twice we arranged for the local safeguarding liaison from the police to come along and do their presentation to parents. We advised it widely as a free thing, offered tea/coffee, timed to avoid meal times, etc. Even sent leaflets to our feeder primary schools for those parents, too.

Hardly any turned up.

And when something goes wrong, these parents, with their lack of interest, will be the first to be shouting to blame someone else.

At least I took the advice, when DD started chatting to someone online, I checked them out, all legit, and he's her boyfriend now (both 18, I've met him and he's a lovely boy).

Please watch - and get your teen to watch - the Breck case that was shown on the BBC recently (should be on iPlayer now.)

The documentary is not at all patronising or judgemental. It isn't preachy. It's a valuable watch, for anyone.

We had a talk at my daughters school from Brecks Mum. The thing that stood out for me was that once they knew the person he was talking to really was 18 they assumed no danger - everyone always focuses on the issue of someone pretending to be younger than they are. In that case he may only of been 18 but he was still a danger.