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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's mate and his many lady friends.

33 replies

Whackytaco · 29/06/2018 23:48

DH's mate, I'll call him Mark, is an old school friend of DH's.
He is mid 40's, single, never married, no children and a bit of an over confident wide boy but look, he's generally ok-ish and I tolerate him in small doses for DH's sake.
Mark lives about a 3 hour drive from us and comes to our place every 4-6 weeks to hang out with DH. No problems there until the last few times he's been here.
He has been bringing with him whatever woman he has picked up in bars/ on Tinder that week to stay at our house (we live in a popular holiday destination). He hardly knows them and has just turned up with them with them in the past.

We've had 3 random women stay in the last 6 months and they've all been nice enough fortunately.
One I felt really sorry for as she clearly didn't find Mark as attractive as she did on their first date and was now stuck with him for a whole weekend. She clung to me and the kids the whole time and didn't want a bar of him.
Mark has this idea in his head that "the boys" will go out and have a few beers while "you ladies" stay home with some wine and the kids.

I can clearly see why these women never come back as they are expecting a night out in our town but instead stuck with me, who they've just met, and the kids.

DH has just come off the phone to him and he's popping up on Saturday to see us and this time had the decency to let us know he is bringing "this chick" he picked up last weekend. If it's his usual style, it'll be a woman in her 20's who's probably up for a good weekend and who can blame her?

AIBU to call Mark and say no. I know it's only one night but nooooooo.

No because I cannot be arsed to be sitting with a woman who has been clearly dumped, making small talk because Mark wants to go out "with the boys". Again.
I mean, why bloody bring her? It's inconvenient for me and embarrassing and boring for her.

No because I've had a shitty week at work and I was planning a slobby evening watching crap tv and enjoying a gin or two.

No because just fucking no.

DH thinks I'm being unfair and says "our home is his home" type bromance shit.
I'm fully prepared to call Mark myself and say no but can you help me word it nicely please?
I don't want to cause strife between DH and him but I'm not prepared to be lumbered with a fourth random woman who I probably won't ever see again.
Also I'm fucked off that it's always assumed that it'll be ok to just bring whoever to our house (we had a load of pissed blokes turn up with him one weekend as they were on a stag weekend in the town).

OP posts:
Whackytaco · 29/06/2018 23:48

Shit that was a bit long. Sorry.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/06/2018 23:51

that would piss me off too. Maybe go out that night

findthegap · 29/06/2018 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForestDad · 29/06/2018 23:54

Mark I like you and so does DH but please don't bring new girlfriends here and expect me to host them while you go out. If you need to know why read this...
And send him your post above.

SandyY2K · 30/06/2018 00:05

Mark I like you and so does DH but please don't bring new girlfriends here and expect me to host them while you go out.

^^ This. No wonder he's still single.

CaledonianQueen · 30/06/2018 00:06

I would be saying in the style of my Mother (I heard her use this with my brother)- ‘My house is not a bloody knocking shop, nor is it a hotel! I have no desire to babysit your latest squeeze whilst you and my husband go out and get pissed AGAIN’. You are taking the bloody piss out of my hospitality and teaching my children absolutely horrendous morals!’

As for your DH
‘You and your bromance have been taking the absolute pi**! I refuse to have an endless succession of strange woman/ girls dragged through our home, then for you and him to feck off out to get pissed, leaving me to babysit his latest squeeze! It is bloody out of order! And I have had enough! It stops NOW! Or you can take yourself to live with him! The pair of you are treating me like shit! As well as confusing the hell out of the kids! If he wants to have a night out here then he can book a bloody hotel room and frankly so can you!

They are both majorly taking the piss OP! I don’t swear normally but I am so angry on your behalf!

ForestDad · 30/06/2018 00:07

Ahh love getting a ^^ This!

donquixotedelamancha · 30/06/2018 00:07

Mark is odd. Your husband is odd. Frankly you are a bit odd for letting this happen in the first place.

Also I'm fucked off that it's always assumed that it'll be ok to just bring whoever to our house

It's not assumed. It's very clear that that is the arrangement. You have repeatedly allowed this. You've probably smiled cheerfully and tried to make them feel welcome. It worked.

Given that Mark clearly had no boundaries and you are pathologically accomodating, I would not worry too much about being nice in your wording.

I would concentrate on clarity, e.g.

"Mark, please do not bring guests to our house. You may not bring your new lady friend next week. I know it's been fine in the past, but it is making me uncomfortable so I have changed my mind."

And more importantly:

"Husband. If your friends bring random shags or drunken stags to my house again, I will remove your manhood with rusty shears."

AnyFucker · 30/06/2018 00:08

"Hi Mark. We are not a hotel for you and your latest shag. See you at Xmas mate. Bye now."

That should do it.

Singlenotsingle · 30/06/2018 00:11

"Our home is his home?" No it's not! And I certainly wouldn't be impressed at him dragging DH off for a boys night out! Tell him you've arranged to go out with the girls, and he'll be babysitting.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 00:13

It's nice that he feels he can bring a lady friend with him and she'll be accepted in your home...
however, that's not the same as using your home as cheap holiday home for his every changing bit of fluff and dumping her with you.

I think DH should mention it to him that you either all go out somewhere nice together, or don't bring her. But also, he can't keep bringing different women back. You've no problem with any of them individually, but a different one each time is just tacky.

Rednaxela · 30/06/2018 00:16

The "lads" are taking the absolute piss. Can't believe DH thinks it's fine with his DC in the house! Mark and co can get a bloody hotel fgs

Whackytaco · 30/06/2018 00:18

Thanks all.
I'm glad it's not just me. I'll text him now. He'll be up and around still in whatever is the coolest bar.
I feel like he's stuck in his 20's and treats us like we are too. Like it's ok to bring your mates/gfs over and crash at a random places like we did at Uni.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:19

Once Mark started bringing random women to stay with you, it would be no. You and your dh need to put your foot down, you are not a hotel or B&B, Mark is taking the piss.

Smooshiesandsnuggles · 30/06/2018 00:20

“Our home is his home” - erm no it’s not, that’s bollocks, get that idea firmly out of his head...

I can’t imagine any of DHs friends thinking it acceptable for me to babysit his weekend piece while the boys go out! What an idiot!

Not normally one to grab my pearls and scream “won’t someone please think of the children” but it’s hardly a good example for your kids to see him dragging a different woman up every few months then ditching her?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:20

Tell Mark, no sorry can't do, here is a list of hotels in the area.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:21

Tell your dh, to go stay with Mark in the hotel, each time he comes. It is your home too, and he has to respect that. Mark is a CF, poor women.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2018 00:24

Your sappy husband is just as big a problem as Mark. Sort him the fuck out too. Why have you been rolling over and accepting your role as default child carer and reluctant companion of Mark's latest squeeze ?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:32

Yes do contact Mark yourself, as you cannot trust your inconsiderate h to do it, and if he has a problem with it, he can stay with Mark in the hotel too.

Whackytaco · 30/06/2018 00:37

To be honest, I think DH is getting a bit over it too but he feels awkward saying so.
They've known each other since primary school and their families are close.
We moved away from our home town 2 years ago so this was never an issue previously.
I'm quite happy to put my foot down as I'm not happy with it and don't feel quite as awkward saying so.

The problem with the hotel or B&B suggestion is that he will still be expected to entertain the gf. It really isn't any wonder he's single still.

Anyway, this has turned into a non event now as he's just text to say the gf can't come as she's working but he is.
Still, I'll get DH on board and we'll have a chat to him about this bullshit. It's not on.

As bravado as Mark is, I think deep down he wants to be settled and have a partner who has a relationship with us like we do with our mutual friends and their partners who we've known years.
He's just not going the right way about it and it's unfair and uncomfortable for all. Except him.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:40

Mark sounds like a prat, he is not going to hang onto any woman the way he is. You need to sit down with your dh, and tell him that this is not on, that it is your home too, and you are not a hotel to be entertaining Marks latest squeeze. Nowonder they leave him, if he dumps them with somebody they don't know, and goes to the pub. Big red flag for any potential partner.

Whackytaco · 30/06/2018 00:41

DH is a bit of a soft turd with Mark, I totally agree. He's no push over elsewhere and it does wind me up.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 30/06/2018 00:42

Mark sounds like an arsehole, and a weird one at that! Your husband sounds totally under his spell and a but of a wet lettuce. You sound 100% right - it's not fair to turn up with these unknown women and expect to go out on a boys night out (why the heck would he bring them? What's even going through his head!! Not much?) leaving you to babysit. Why would your DH think that was acceptable in his family home?

If my DH started quoting "my home is his home" shit at me regarding this I'd be telling him he could go and move in with his "brother" and come back when he's grown up 20 years or so.

Smooshiesandsnuggles · 30/06/2018 00:42

I’d still make sure you have the conversation, in case she can get time off or he picks another one up on the way to you!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 00:42

Good luck Whackytaco, hope that you sort this silly arrangement out.