AIBU to be fuming at my mum disregarding my wedding?

[Northernmummy30]

I’m getting married in five weeks, but I’ve lived 100 miles away from where I grew up for years now, and that’s where the wedding is going to be. BUT. The distance means that my mum hasn’t been able to be overly involved. I made a point of going dress shopping with her when I’ve been to visit her, and bought my dress with her by my side. And I’ve kept her up to date every step of the way, emailing her my ideas and whatnot. A few weeks ago she visited me for the first time in two years, (I always go up there) so I took her to our church, she met the vicar, and we visited the evening venue. But over the past few months, every time I talk about the wedding on the phone, she huffs after my first few sentences, and quickly changes the subject to something like “my TVs glitching” or “I saw this picture of a sheep online today”, or she informs me that I’m interrupting Corrie. It’s really dismissive, like none of it matters to her. Last night was the last straw. We hadn’t spoken in 8 days, and a lot has happened in that time (final meeting at the venue, hair trial, makeup trial, and I finished my application to go back to uni) and I launched into all the final plans, but she did it again. I finally said “mum, you’re proper p*ing on my chips here.” And her response was “well, it isn’t all about you love.” I saw red, and told her I had to go. She text me and asked why I did that, and I told her. I said she didn’t seem very interested in my wedding, and even if it’s not as exciting for her, she should just humour me and let me have my moment. It did occur to me that I might be wedding-ing her to death too, and she might be getting tired of hearing it, but, She said I was dead wrong. That it’s her baby’s wedding and she feels like she’s on the side lines looking in. I’m always telling her what I’m doing with the groom or my MOH, and she’s never involved and it upsets her. AIBU to think that cutting me off is the exact opposite of what she should be doing if she feels excluded!?!? I’m TRYING to involve her by keeping her up to date! By sending her pics of my choices, asking for her opinion! And it would have helped if she’d actually have visited more than once in the past two years? I’m fuming!

Hopeful bump! I genuinely want opinions on this. I need advice before I broach the subject with her again 🙁

Maybe what happened is you (well-intentionally, of course) tried to make her feel included by telling her what you were doing, but all you've done is reminded her that you're doing all these things without her?

It sounds like both of you want her to be involved, but you're reading things different ways.

She does sound unreasonable but she's obviously feeling like she's missing out- partly her own fault if she could have come to see you more often? I dunno, weddings do bring out the crazy op.

Keep talking to her and just look forward to your day, it's only 5 weeks away and after that it should all settle down

I think you have been doing the right thing trying to keep her involved.

She appears uninterested but it seems she is upset as she wishes she could be more involved. She was changing the subject to stop herself complaining to you it's hard. Probably not aware this appears uncaring.

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong, it's a misunderstanding. Explain you wish she wasn't so far away but still want her input. You are right to be annoyed but it looks like she does care, she is just struggling with the distance.

What are you doing the day before the wedding? Could you get your nails done and lunch together or something without mil?

You're not "TRYING to involve her", you're just phoning her up to tell all about the fun you're having with other people. Granted, I doubt that's your intention at all but that's what your mum's hearing. Maybe dial back the bridezilla a bit and remember that it isn't all about you and your mum really is on the outside looking in at you doing all the things she'd probably really like to be doing with you. Nobody's fault but just try and be a bit more understanding.

YANBU - you're doing your best to be inclusive in a situation that isn't easy, and your mum isn't meeting you half way. She has clearly felt excluded but instead of addressing this with you months ago and finding a way forward that worked for you both, she has decided to withdraw and go cold.

I cannot bear people who cut off their nose to spite their face and then act like a martyr about it. If she has an issue with the way you've organised your wedding why didn't she talk to you about it, or arrange things for you to do together? Instead, she has chosen to sulk AND to make you feel bad about something that should be really special for you.

I think you have two options - you can say to her that you want her involvement but that it will require her to do some meeting in the middle, such as by travelling to you etc. You could give her something to organise that is a project for her particularly - bridesmaids gifts? A speech? Whatever feels appropriate.

Or, if she is unwilling to do that because sulking is more valuable to her than getting involved, I would stop sharing as much of the detail unless she specifically asks for it. This is shit because you will be excited to share with your mum and it's hard on you not to. But if that is the way she is going to insist on being, you may just have to accept that she is stuck in her rut.

You are NOT, as a PP suggested, a bridezilla. Sharing details of your wedding planning with your own mother is hardly stroppy diva behaviour!

My parents moved house to be 150 miles away about 5 months before my wedding. They were so busy with the house move that my mum didn't get involved in any of the wedding plans. The only thing that she was interested in was whether she needed to buy a hat...

In the end I gave up and she got treated the same as all the other guests. At least I knew where I stood and my big sisters, bridesmaid new MIL and friends were there for me when she wasn't.

The day was fine, she posed for all the mother of the bride photos and everyone had a lovely time because we knew what to expect of her!

Sounds to me like you are boring her with it now. Do you talk about anything other than your wedding with her? Ask her how she is doing?

Maybe some jealously on her part?

I think what people sometimes forget is that in previous generations, the bride's mother was THE main organiser of her daughter's wedding. Sometimes leaving very little for the bride and groom to decide. I have friends whose mothers arranged everything and literally just told them they could invite 10 friends. It was a different age. Now with brides, and to a lesser extent grooms, arranging everything there is a generation of women who have never arranged a wedding, not their own, not their daughters. My Mum is in this position - her Mum arranged everything, and my DSis arranged her own. I'm not married. So she's never had that pleasure, that joy which she may have expected with a daughter.

I think of this often when the usual remark is made on threads about mothers getting huffy about weddings 'it's your day, she's arranged hers, now it's your turn'. Truth is for brides of my generation (late 50s) this wasn't the case.

Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming you for anything - you have involved her, but you have been the lead, not her. Maybe ask her if you don't know who arranged her wedding. So I think I'm asking you to cut her some slack.

You do sound as if you are being a wedding bore.
And telling your mum about lots of things you are doing without her is not really involving her is it .
Maybe tell her you wish she was nearer and you would like to do something special just the two of you in the days before the wedding.
And I do get what’s it like when your own life is miles away , and has been for years , but being expected to go “home “ to see family

You're not involving her at all though, are you? Telling her what you have done after the event isn't the same as getting involved IMO.

You obviously feel resentful that she hasn't visited you more often - why doesn't she come down to see you?

I do think some parents expect their children to get married where they grew up. You might have lived there years but it's not somewhere that your Mum knows very well at all and may feel a bit strange for her there. You don't mention your father - are they still together? If you mum is coming down on her own to a place she doesn't know very well that might also be a factor.

I hope the wedding goes well, OP.

So appart from the dress, you are just showing her what you have already done? Not showing her options, or anything, just introducing her to your choices. They are your choices, of course, but I can see why she doesn't feel involved.

What's going on in her life? Has she got any problems or worries?

I can't find a nice way to say this, so: there there is more to her life than you and being a mother. It sounds as if she's being talked at and told about things rather than being asked or involved.

100 miles is nothing. If she hasn't visited in two years I think any problems are older than you may realise and the wedding is bringing them into focus.

You sound a lovely daughter. We old mums are a strange bunch and we do get grumpy over silly things. I am sure I was annoying but DD ignored me, let her get on with it as PP said she is probably jealous.
Just carry on enjoy your wedding preparations and have a memorable day.

You're not involving her (not saying that's your fault), you're just taking at her about your wedding.
She's probably fed up hearing about it when she can't really be involved. Do you ask about what's happening in her life?

Talking*

I don't think you sound like a wedding bore. You have a big day coming up and and should be happy and exited.

Your mum sounds like my dad. If the conversation veers off him he will talk over people about the most mundane things in order to bring it back to him.

Has she always been this way OP?

Perhaps only talk about your wedding when people, including your Mum, ask you about it. Otherwise assume they don’t want be tk hera about it.

Have you actually asked her opinion about anything to do with the wedding or are you just telling her what is happening? There is a huge difference.

When my DD got married, even though she organised everything, I really appreciated being asked what I thought about the choices being made on both the big and small details. It helped me to feel involved.

This has brought a few things to light - thank you ladies! Especially notlivestock! You sound like you have your head screwed on 😁 not so much the ladie who jumped straight in and called me a bridezilla. Name calling isn’t really all that helpful. But either way, my dad lives “back home” too, but they aren’t together. That being said, he’s ridiculously, overwhelmingly excited about the wedding, so maybe without realising it, I’m comparing his reaction to hers? I don’t know. As for stuff going on in her life, there’s not much really. She’s very much a ‘go to work, come home and chill in front of the tv’ kind of person. She’s single but doesn’t go out socially much at the weekend. Maybe once a month? She gardens, reads, shops and drinks wine most weekends. And as for not visiting, she says she’s scared of driving on the motorway. Not much I can do about that, so I go up every six weeks so my daughter can know her gran. She’s been married twice and organised both herself, but hers were very different to mine. Involving her is hard to an extent, as she isn’t on social media or watsapp, so my only way of showing her stuff is via her works email (doesn’t have a personal account) and I’ve been caught be the IT filters now, so the emails don’t get through any more. I printed off a folder once with all my ideas and took it up to her, but she didn’t seem interested. Maybe I should just accept it and stop trying to involve her? (And yes - name calling lady - this is me TRYING) but she’s my mum, and I want her involved. Urgh! It’s frustrating 🙁

Can you try involving her with things to do with her rather than just you and your choices - i.e. shopping together for HER outfit, or discussing how she will be involved in the day (e..g if you're having a receiving line, or you would like her to greet guests, or anything like that?)

How are things between her and your dad? Could she be anxious about being at a social event on her own in front of all your family?

We have to accept sometimes that our parents aren't necessarily that interested in us. I know there are plenty of people who are with their parents all the time and their parents think they're amazing but for a lot of people it's not the case. It's like the Sex in the City scene where Cynthis Nixon's character tells another woman that, "He's just not into you."

Its quite a relief when you get over that - that it's not you that's the problem, and lower your expectations accordingly. Regarding your wedding, I'd just treat her like another wedding guest unless she makes an effort herself.

she’s my mum, and I want her involved

this is where you start to really see that SHE isn't wanting to be a part of your happiness.

She does sound jealous of you. Sorry. I had the same with my mum.

You need to understand now more than ever that she is NOT going to be excited for anything you do that do not make HER look good or are all about her.

FFS, if your DD is getting married and you make the comment 'it's not all about you', then seriously you are self-centred, bordering on full blown narc for making your own DD feel like crap for being excited about 'the biggest day in her life'

It's not you, it really IS her.

My mum (73) loathes motorway driving, so she gets the train. After your update, it does sound as if your mum could make more effort to visit - would she, if nudged at least try? (I know, you shouldn't have to!).

How long do you reckon it would have taken her to contact you if you hadn't rung her after eight days?

If she's entrenched happy in her rut, there's only so much you can do.

My dad had little enthusiasm for wedding planning until about three months before and then he was on it! Contributed a lot of great fun ideas and arranged some nice surprises. I would focus on him and leave your mum to her own devices.