AIBU to be fuming at my mum disregarding my wedding?

[Northernmummy30]

I’m getting married in five weeks, but I’ve lived 100 miles away from where I grew up for years now, and that’s where the wedding is going to be. BUT. The distance means that my mum hasn’t been able to be overly involved. I made a point of going dress shopping with her when I’ve been to visit her, and bought my dress with her by my side. And I’ve kept her up to date every step of the way, emailing her my ideas and whatnot. A few weeks ago she visited me for the first time in two years, (I always go up there) so I took her to our church, she met the vicar, and we visited the evening venue. But over the past few months, every time I talk about the wedding on the phone, she huffs after my first few sentences, and quickly changes the subject to something like “my TVs glitching” or “I saw this picture of a sheep online today”, or she informs me that I’m interrupting Corrie. It’s really dismissive, like none of it matters to her. Last night was the last straw. We hadn’t spoken in 8 days, and a lot has happened in that time (final meeting at the venue, hair trial, makeup trial, and I finished my application to go back to uni) and I launched into all the final plans, but she did it again. I finally said “mum, you’re proper p*ing on my chips here.” And her response was “well, it isn’t all about you love.” I saw red, and told her I had to go. She text me and asked why I did that, and I told her. I said she didn’t seem very interested in my wedding, and even if it’s not as exciting for her, she should just humour me and let me have my moment. It did occur to me that I might be wedding-ing her to death too, and she might be getting tired of hearing it, but, She said I was dead wrong. That it’s her baby’s wedding and she feels like she’s on the side lines looking in. I’m always telling her what I’m doing with the groom or my MOH, and she’s never involved and it upsets her. AIBU to think that cutting me off is the exact opposite of what she should be doing if she feels excluded!?!? I’m TRYING to involve her by keeping her up to date! By sending her pics of my choices, asking for her opinion! And it would have helped if she’d actually have visited more than once in the past two years? I’m fuming!

Stop caring about what she thinks, if she's excluded, so what. Your dad is excited, share with him and if she brings it up, tell her that you found her underwhelmed response draining and if she can't be happy for you then there is something seriously wrong with her.

I did offer to get our nails done together, and asked if she wanted her hair and makeup done on the day, but she said she’d rather do it herself, which is a shame. Both bridesmaids and my mother in law (who lives 300 miles away, so there’s no competition or anything) are all getting it done in the morning with me, but she’s opted out. She did get quite into her dress though when she was looking for it. She sent me pictures and asked for opinions, and I gave her my faves. Then when she bought it, she asked for opinions on the colour of her accessories, which I gave again. I’m starting to think maybe I have just talked at her too much rather than involve her. But then again, what else can I do with what I’ve got to work with? Bloody stupid situation 😒

I feel sorry for your Mum.

It must be painful to watch- she would love to be actually involved but she is not.
And you banging on about all the things you have done is twisting the knife.

ASK HER

Mum, it looks like Im not including you in a way that works, and I really want your help and advice. What can I do, what would you like to do, help out with, etc. See what she says..

Then decide what works for you and her together, dont be a door mat, but do get her suggestions

I didn’t read the whole post, if your mums changing the subject maybe she has heard about it all to much, even with your daughter you can loose patience constantly hearing about the same thing!

Said in the nicest way.

You don't seem to like your mother very much, OP.

I know quite a few people who won't drive on motorways and don't have social media! As Sea said, ask her - but with only five weeks to go, you've left it a bit late!

Is your father walking you down the aisle? He's got a part to play but your mother - what is she doing? Your dad has a role, perhaps she'd like to feel she has a part in the day as well.

How is she generally? She sounds a bit like my mum - determined to take offence and feel hard done by so even if you do everything humanly possible to please her you'll still not be right. I invited my mum to my hen day out and she refused then went on about how things weren't really for her etc etc. I just ignore her, what can I do if she won't actually engage?? It sounds like you've done a lot to try to get her involved and if she really was keen she'd find a way to travel down to you and participate, but she doesn't. So let her stew and try to grab attention, just ignore.

I think the problem is her and you are being lovely. At the same time, it must be difficult for her feeling left out, even if she has no justification for it. But that doesn't excuse her playing games and trying to make her point by feigning disinterest. Very narcissistic behaviour! She does sound like a difficult person and from the little you've said, I doubt she will ever respond in a 'reasonable' way to all your efforts. Perhaps you need to scale down her expectations and accept that you have moved beyond her in emotional maturity.

Do you invite her to yours more often or do you just assume she won't come? Can she get a train, bus or coach if she doesn't like driving there? Sounds a bit like she is huffed you moved away from your home town and feels like your fiance's family are taking over.

Sometimes you have to accept you can't win. My MIL always told my husband not to tell him anything about the wedding as she wanted it to be a surprise.

Then two weeks before the wedding moaned that she didn't know a thing that was going on, we had excluded her from all the arrangements!

No competition as my mum isn't around.

Huge social anxiety though so think this is what caused it for us!

Ask her. She sounds unsure of her place in the whole thing and she’s told you she does want to be involved but clearly feels shut out. That’s not your fault but ask how you can make her feel more included.

Would she come a few days in advance and help with table arrangements or other preparation? Do a reading? Make a speech? Help with your baby? There must be something she’d enjoy.

And unfortunately if she wants to feel included in the modern world getting an email address and a basic grasp of social media would be advantageous. She can’t be much more than 60 so she’s very much excluding herself by refusing to use anything.

I think the problem is with your Mum rather than you. What else are you supposed to do? Is she expecting you to make a round trip of 200 miles every time to include her? I can get not driving on the motorway but some of the other things you've said make me wonder if she's a little bit jealous, especially her comment 'it's not really about you' - erm what?? The bride??

Do you always make the phone calls or does she call you? Do you make the effort at stuff whilst she waits for you to contact her?

It's just rings bells with my Mum's behaviour a little bit. Not wedding related but her life is very mundane and any conversations are usually her telling me the minutaie of her day and hardly asking me anything about mine. It sometimes feels like whatever I do is a reminder to her that she hasn't done that. She'll say things like 'oh you do far too much' if I yawn and say I'm feeling tired. This is because in comparison to her it looks like I do tons of stuff when I probably, in reality, lead a pretty average life.

maybe she just plain isnt interested in all the stuff. I got married without any of that, it would have bored me brainless.

fine if you enjoy it but being female does not mean she will.

I think neither of you know how to correctly approach it, she wants to be involved, you want her to be involved

But telling her what you have done isnt involving her - that is what she is trying to say, it simply shows how uninvolved she is

Oh god, mum was just the same. She really resented that I didn't go 'home' to get married and made things quite hard. Like you, I made a point of going dress shopping back at home (which was very inconvenient!), and asked her advice as often as possible but she still fell out with me a couple of times.

We ended up having a long, serious talk and made things up. She was just as bad when I was pregnant, just to warn you - if I mentioned having googled anything or having asked anyone other than her (even my midwife!) anything, she got angry with me. Which made it very hard to talk to her about anything to do with it, to be honest.

She has calmed down a bit now though...! But I still don't think she's fully accepted that I am an adult who has made a life here, where I am.

Nail on the head, I think! I’m going to steal your words tonight when I speak to her, if you don’t mind? X

I ring my DM every week and lived far from home when I was organizing a wedding back in the place I grew up. Whilst I lived there DM visited once in 6 years.

Reading the OP all I can think is I really hope I didn't bore her with all the details or interrupt her trying to talk about something different. It's ok to talk about other things. Talking on and on about something is not including someone, it doesn't sound like she is asking to hear the details of your makeup trial! Maybe she does feel it as a separation from you being her DD only, to now you are (I assume) a DIL and SIL etc

It really is about you and your DP on the wedding day, but it is not just about you for months before. A wedding is just a party +/- religious ceremony/sacrament. Give her a break.

I don't get why she has to be involved or why you have to keep her updated? Are you not a grown up who's just organising a party? never understood why some women bleat on and on about this for months or even years on end.
Just organise what you want, invite who you want and have a nice time?

It can be very hard to be at a distance from things your child is doing and desperately want to be there with them. This could be the only way she can cope without dissolving in to tears on the phone.
My son had our first grandchild and lives with his in laws we don't get to see them for very long every 10 days or so (better then many I know) but seeing things that are posted on facebook what seems like every day is very hard as it brings home that you are not as involved and would love to have morning cuddles with granny etc. but never can.....could this be part of the reason she is distancing herself? Can she afford to come and see you (often we don't tell our children of financial problems so you may not be aware)?
Brides do get very wrapped up in the big day and can forget other things are happening could she feel your not interested in her?

Mums can’t win I reckon. It’s your wedding and you’re making your choices, which is as it should be. Although you say she leads a quiet life, as far as you’re concerned, it could be that she’d like to feel that you’re interested in her as well as the wedding.

We always get it wrong. Stay out of it and we’re disinterested. Get involved and we’re interfering.

Just go ahead with your plans, but occasionally ask about hers. And have a lovely day!

I feel for her, it's totally boring listening to a bride harp on at every chance about their wedding.

It's not your moment as you put it, it's supposed to be the vows and commitment to your partner. If my daughter went on and on about having their moment I'd be wondering how long the marriage would actually last given it's all about the day itself.

Well, we’ve spoken and it’s all sorted now - phew! Apparently she didn’t even realise she was huffing or cutting me off, and actually does want to hear about the wedding, just not too much as it’ll spoil the surprise. she was, however, frustrated at the lack of involvement, but hadn’t said anything because it’s a no- win situation we’re in with the distance involved. Thanks for your advice ladies, it’s very much appreciated... except for the lady who gave me relationship advice that I didn’t ask for or want. My relationship is golden, thank you for your concern 😒

So you imagined the huffs? The changing of the subject?

Minimise

Deny

Blame

Don’t tell too much or you will spoil the surprise... mmm hmm 🤔

Standard MO.