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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who sees msg but doesn’t reply

43 replies

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 08:27

I have a friend who I used to be close to.few years ago she wasn’t being very kind to me,said a few things that made me wary of her (I was in a bad relationship and she was encouraging me to stay in it).At a traumatic time in my life she stopped responding to my messages but then would message like nothing was wrong after weeks.

I’m not the sort of person who hold a grudge and am very independent so never thought much of this stuff.I was hurt by it but just thought she must be busy.Its started to bother me now because she’ll message me sometimes and we will have a proper conversation but then other times she’ll message and ask me questions which I reply to then she’ll not bother replying for a few weeks. In the meantime I do wonder what’s going on.

She makes out she’s busy but she’s on Facebook all the time and communicating with other people on there. AIBU to think this is strange?

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Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 08:28

I can also see she’s read my message!

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InDubiousBattle · 29/06/2018 08:31

YANBU, it is strange. Usually conversations, even message ones have an ending, a 'see you soon' or 'speak later'. It's polite. Tbh she has just become one of those friends you hear from occasionally. Unless you're worried about her or it really upsets you.

Clinicallysilly · 29/06/2018 08:41

Leave her to it and move on with your life. Be polite if she messages you but don't initiate contact, slowly let her drift. She's not a friend, she's an acquaintance and that's it.

Moussemoose · 29/06/2018 08:52

Perhaps she is not devoted to her phone. I sometimes read messages when I am busy and then forget about them. My phone and the messages on it do not dominate my life.

Sometimes it is not convenient to reply so I leave it, mean to reply but then life happens. I do not prioritise text messages. I prioritise the people in front of me and the life going on around me.

I think it is shockingly rude when people stop a conversation to reply to a text. Perhaps it's a generational thing.

Babybearsporij · 29/06/2018 09:03

I'm terrible at replying to messages, it's a bit of a joke in my family and friends. I'll usually see it but think I'll reply later, but I always forget!! Maybe it's that rather than anything malicious?

DesperateToPassDrivingTest · 29/06/2018 09:21

Benefit of the doubt - maybe she genuinely is busy and hopes to reply later on. Honest feeling? I'm sorry to have to say this, Stephthegreat, but this is no friend to you. Life is too short to be treated like a second-class citizen or play silly mind-games. Personally, I would have dropped her for encouraging you to stay in a bad relationship. Try to role reverse - would you act the way she has?

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 09:22

I wouldn’t be so bothered if she didn’t use social media much.

The times when I have seen her in the past she’s often checked her phone or texted someone while I was there. She is on Facebook all the time, even off and on at work.

There are a few other things that bothered me which sound petty but nevertheless made me think.We went out for the day with our dcs,my ds still uses his buggy occasionally and so I brought it with me.My ds got stung by a bee on his foot and my friends son also started crying.She scooped up her ds and put him in my buggy telling to carry my ds. My ds is nearly 4 and heavy, I felt it was quite selfish of her.

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DesperateToPassDrivingTest · 29/06/2018 09:28

''My ds got stung by a bee on his foot and my friends son also started crying.She scooped up her ds and put him in my buggy telling to carry my ds.''

WHAAAAAAAT??! I just can't... That really is the height of selfishness and she doesn't care one iota about you or your kids - get rid, girl! Get rid!

Ohmydayslove · 29/06/2018 09:32

She sounds horrible op I wouldn’t be bothered with her.

Immigrantsong · 29/06/2018 09:36

She isn't a friend, move on. I can't understand why people don't get that if someone wants to be amate they will make the effort and take the time to get in contact or reply to things. She clearly doesn't do this. Relationships shouldn't be hard work.

fieryginger · 29/06/2018 09:36

The bee sting thing sounds odd, I'd have said, "I need the buggy because he's stung his foot". Don't be a doormat.

happinessischocolate · 29/06/2018 09:37

''My ds got stung by a bee on his foot and my friends son also started crying.She scooped up her ds and put him in my buggy telling to carry my ds.''

I had a friend like that, and when I stood up for myself or my dc she would make it seem like I was the one being unreasonable. When you start having resentments you can either speak to them in hope they'll see the error of their ways and change unlikely or bin them off.🙂

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 09:37

Few years ago my ds fell over in her backyard he was only 2 at the time and I was just about to put him in the car.She brought him to me with both his legs streaming in blood (she covered them with her hands as she put him in his car seat). I was like omg he’s screaming and upset can we just stop and help him?

I have been friends with her since school but lately I’ve been see8 g a blatant lack of empathy in her.

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WhiteWalkerWife · 29/06/2018 09:54

She doesn't sound very nice OP. I know someone like this, she likes to feel at the centre of things. She ignores peoples messages so she can feel chased. She only makes an effort with those who dont with her.

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 09:55

I’ve spoken to her in the past about how she’s been but she’s always been nice and apologetic but then the same stuff keeps happening.

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Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 09:57

WhiteWalkerWife I think she does like to feel at the centre of things.She has a lot of friends but I can’t imagine that many she’s close to.

The people she is close to are people that can help her with her ds,they do things for her and can give her something.I don’t see that as friendship.

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Cheto · 29/06/2018 09:58

Life's too short for shit friends....she sounds dreadful

Moussemoose · 29/06/2018 10:01

If she is into her phone then she is just being a cow.

DraughtyWindow · 29/06/2018 10:03

No, she has a lot of acquaintances. Perhaps the constant need to be active on social media reflects this? Spend time with people that make YOU happy. Don’t go chasing after her and disengage. You’ll be far happier!

user1457017537 · 29/06/2018 10:06

I get this from a relative I recently helped and advised. When I am with her she constantly checks her phone and messages but I don’t receive the same courtesy. She just responded to a message I sent 3 weeks ago. I will be moving on .....

UnicornMummy27 · 29/06/2018 10:10

Seems like she has plenty of other friends, stopping her from actually valuing the friendship you both share. OP please don’t get offended but it feels your more needy towards this friendship then she is. You have experienced her being inconsiderate many times. She seems to be the one in control of this friendship and your just going along with it, instead of equal exchange. It’s time for you to actually start taking the lead when your together and telling her when you think something should not be done. Or branch out and reconnect or make more effort with other friends and leave her on the back bench for a while. Do the same to her. Don’t respond to her msgs straight away and end the conversation first showing her your in control now. I don’t want it to become a tit for tat or competitive but looks like she needs a good dose of her own medicine.

MissionItsPossible · 29/06/2018 10:15

With all the other things she sounds like a bad friend but I regularly read texts and don't respond and I don't mean anything by it.

UnicornMummy27 · 29/06/2018 10:15

Just to add on. It’s pretty obvious She is taking your friendship for granted and seems comfortable knowing you will always be there so there is no rush satisfying you or just being completely blind to how selfish she is while working harder towards and focusing on friendships that she benefits more from.

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 10:29

I think it’s the times when we are close and get on plus the history we have as friends that makes it hard to cut her off.

I do think she knows what she’s doing, it’s like mind games. The problem is I’m not needy at all, just confused by her behaviour but it’s blatantly obvious she’s incredibly selfish when I look at it now and all the nasty back handed compliments make sense in retrospect.

She treats her dm very badly,her dm told me that when she was very ill (a few days from major heart surgery)that her daughter (my friend) wanted her to go and help out because they had a sick bug and needed someone to clean up and help with her ds. It’s something I’d never do!

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Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 10:38

Thinking about this and all of your feelings on this is making me think that I don’t think I can see this friendship continuing. Where can it go from here?

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