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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who sees msg but doesn’t reply

43 replies

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 08:27

I have a friend who I used to be close to.few years ago she wasn’t being very kind to me,said a few things that made me wary of her (I was in a bad relationship and she was encouraging me to stay in it).At a traumatic time in my life she stopped responding to my messages but then would message like nothing was wrong after weeks.

I’m not the sort of person who hold a grudge and am very independent so never thought much of this stuff.I was hurt by it but just thought she must be busy.Its started to bother me now because she’ll message me sometimes and we will have a proper conversation but then other times she’ll message and ask me questions which I reply to then she’ll not bother replying for a few weeks. In the meantime I do wonder what’s going on.

She makes out she’s busy but she’s on Facebook all the time and communicating with other people on there. AIBU to think this is strange?

OP posts:

OverTheHedgeHammy · 29/06/2018 10:41

Do you have to cut her off? Couldn't you just relegate her to friendly acquaintance? Someone to chat to when out and about, maybe meet up occasionally IF IT SUITS YOU.

Cutting someone off can be such a messy business. It affects everyone around you.

DraughtyWindow · 29/06/2018 10:42

Well, you either sit her down and tell her exactly how her behaviour affects you or you withdraw and move on!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2018 10:45

This 'friendship' does not sound good, you sound like her last resort friend, and she does not value you. I would let this one go.

TheLionRoars1110 · 29/06/2018 11:40

Just stop responding immediately. She doesn't get on touch often anyway by the sounds of it so you'll soon drift apart.

PollyChockola · 29/06/2018 11:45

YABU regarding the messages. I’d hate to think that someone I considered a friend was sat there feeling entitled to a response and getting in a huff about it because they were monitoring my Facebook activity and annoyed I hadn’t replied! That’s not how friendships work. People send a message and the other person replied when they want to/it suits them. If you don’t like the frequency of replies then you can distance yourself, but she’s doing nothing wrong by using Facebook before she replies to you! You sound a bit needy.

Re the rest of it, you clearly don’t like her, so stop being friends if you feel that way.

But you’ll push people away if you get a bit weird putting so much emphasis on reply times and feeling entitled to someone’s response within your time frame. Nobody likes to feel it’s a chore to reply to a friend ASAP or they’ll get weird about it.

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 13:31

I don’t think I’m needy at all, quite the opposite in fact.I wouldn’t question this unless I felt in my gut she was the one being weird.

Things that have happened in the past have made me feel this way,I’ve realised it’s not just about the messages.

I don’t really understand why someone would send me a message, which I replied to only to leave it for weeks without responding. That’s weird.

I think you’re right though, I don’t like her and don’t appreciate being treated like her last resort option so hard though it is I will no longer be bothering with her.

I’m lucky to have a handful of very good friends who are very kind and don’t treat me badly.

OP posts:

TheLionRoars1110 · 29/06/2018 13:38

I don't think it's needy to find this strange and a bit irritating. I recently had a random message from a girl I used to be close to. She said she really wanted to get back in touch blah blah. So I sent a response saying hello and nice to hear and how is she. No fecking response. Wtf was that all about. Time waster!

frustratedashell · 29/06/2018 13:40

Get rid of her, she sounds horrible. If she messages you again , delete and ignore

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 29/06/2018 13:43

TheLionRoars - I totally agree,it’s when people initiate contact and you respond but are ghosted that’s when it’s weird! It’s really irritating!

Frustrated as hell - yes I’ve definitely decided I can’t go on with this situation, life’s too short to be playing mind games!

OP posts:

KermitsLoveChild · 29/06/2018 13:43

I had a friend exactly like this. Always too 'crazy busy' to reply to a text...unless there was gossip she was fishing for.

I sent one last text and after three days blocked and deleted her number so I didn't have to read her excuses for not replying for the millionth time.

WhiteWalkerWife · 29/06/2018 20:10

Ah so she keeps her minions close then? Lovely person...

BlackberryandNettle · 29/06/2018 22:46

I'm both very busy and disorganised and sometimes forget to reply to messages, it's something I feel bad about and am trying to improve.
From the other background you've given though, it sounds like she's not all that nice in other respects and that you don't particularly like her. So given that, I'd give up I think and concentrate on other friends.

StarUtopia · 30/06/2018 23:11

Who puts a 4 yr old in a buggy? misses point of thread

littleemma1 · 30/06/2018 23:53

@Stephthegreat this happened to me recently. I had (what I thought) were two good friends from a previous job.
Over a course of a few months they stopped replying to messages, “weren’t available” to meet for a catch up and just generally started to (what I felt) ignore me.
I was really hurt when I discovered via social media that they were still very good friends with another girl from the office (no one works there now due to full office redundancies).
It was the fact that they could be so close to others but not even respond to a simple “how are you doing?” text from me but be so openly close and spend so much time with others.
In the end I asked them what was going on and told them how upset I was at being ignored and they basically denied doing anything wrong so I’m guessing that’s the end of the friendship! I’d rather have a really small circle of friends that I can depend on than a huge circle of useless ones!!

Summerlovin24 · 01/07/2018 00:32

Facebook is a dangerous tool.
Base your friendship not on facebook but if it is reciprocal. Who initiates all the plans for example. I had a friend who always used to cancel. In the end I stopped making the effort and we stopped seeing each other. I stopped feeling let down which was goid for my sanity. Weirdly hers is the 1st xmas card i receive every year

Summerlovin24 · 01/07/2018 00:34

Also my MIL once gave me some good advice.
"You are where you want to be" if a friend wants to see you they will. Dont waste time on people who aren't bothered

OverTheHedgeHammy · 01/07/2018 16:06

Who puts a 4 yr old in a buggy? Judgmental much???!!!

When the 4 year old is tired, and upset, I sure as hell did, particularly after school. The 4 year old is now 9 and you can't keep him still, he's always on the go. Hasn't done him any harm and saved my sanity on the walk home from school.

StarUtopia · 01/07/2018 21:42

No, I'm just of the opinion 4 year olds can walk. And should walk!

And I had a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old - neither of them went in a pram! Prams are for babies imo.

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