To leave him

[needtimealone]

I've been with "d"p for 7 and a half years. This post may get long as I just want to get my current situation off my chest and for answers regarding the situation.

When we first got together he lied about his age.. A ten year gap ended up being 16 years, I found out when we already had a ds. I was 19 when we met.

The first 3 years were abusive physically. I wish I left then.

The last 3 years have been OK, and with some good times.

I can count on my hand the number of times he has looked after ds(6) and allowed me a break. He thinks because he earns 80% of the income that he is "King" and doesn't have to help with ds or anything.

He watched me this week running around working 9 hour days and still looking after ds and cooking and cleaning and then had a go at me because I wasn't doing enough with ds, he refused to do anything because he was "relaxing" after working so much!!!!!

He calls me an idiot, stupid, crazy, thick, dull.

I did a degree he spent the entire 4 years telling me how rubbish I was at it. I passed with a 2:2 (was working 24 hour shifts and had ds alone) and I don't work in that field now.

I teach now. He says I don't do enough and is always looking for more work for me to do.

Took ds to the park the other day and he spent the time telling ds he looked like an idiot carrying so much stuff (ds took toys to share with other children) he really kept going on at ds.

After a row yesterday he called me a slag and that I'm greedy because I've told him I'm going to leave. He said I'm greedy because he's out of work and I'm going when there is no money coming in.

When he's around I can't relax properly because I can't read books I like as "they're stupid and not educational" so I'm "wasting my time"

I've stopped my hobby I love because he sticks his two cents in and wonders why I can't do it naturally yet and it's because I'm shit at it apparently.

He's moody and grumpy and regularly swears and throws things.

I'm walking around with holes in my clothes but he blames me for spending all of the money.

His wages get paid into my account and apparently I'm ungrateful.

He says all I do is moan and serve him shit food after he's been working all day.

In the next breath he says I don't talk to him.

When I do talk to him I'm wrong, an idiot or get told to shut up or ignored.

He messaged another woman 3 months ago telling her how much he wants to see her in her pyjamas, and telling her how awful I am.

I am sure there is more, I'm nervous today because I want to leave, aibu to leave? What do I do?

Ds said to me a while back "we need to have more fun, I don't know when the last time we laughed was"

It's my duty to protect him isn't it. I'm mature now. I have all his debts in my name, that doesn't matter does it?

With the other woman, he was looking at flights to go and see her, messaging in the morning when we were in bed together, editing her photos with "kiss kiss" all over them, and told her he regretted getting with me, that I'm not feminine enough (always been a tomboy) that he respects make up on a woman (I wear foundation and eyeliner but it's not enough) that I don't style my hair and that I've changed since we've been together.

He's always picking at me saying I need to do my hair differently, put make up, wear nail polish. I need to be more feminine once a month because that's what a man needs.

He doesn't like me does he? I'm realising that slowly

Dear God. Get away from this abusive arsehole.

I'll be stunned if anyone says that you would be being unreasonable. He sounds awful. Ultimately you have to look after yourself and your children and only you know your situation. Take care OP x

Like I told you last time you posted- yes leave!!!

Do you have family or friends you and DS can stay with?

Do you have your own bank account?

If need be go into a refuge, your poor DS being subjected to that awful man.

I don't know about the debts or how things will go but from what you say, I think you and your ds need to be away from him as soon as possible.

Roseanne I do need to. I want to go home. He's off work and I'm scared what might happen. I wish he was working.

I've looked at flats in my home town. How do I get there? I was staying before to sort the debts. But I can't do it anymore. I'm 120 miles away from home. I don't care about the debts anymore. I'll sort them out another time.

This all sounds abusive. It will be affecting you son. Yes, leave him and work on building up your own confidence and self esteem. No one should be told they are stupid, a slag etc. Others will be along with more advice on how to leave etc but I just wanted to say that you seem to be in an awful place and leaving to prevent abuse of you and your son is more than fine!

Run far, far away from this monster.

Have you spoken to women’s aid?

I can't search their number, anything I do online is connected to the laptop so he can see the history, please can you provide the number?

Op post again in relationships. If you ask "Help me leave my partner" lots of pdoplewill give you good advice.

Good luck. It will be hard but I honestly think you will be happier.

This is no life for you and your child. This man has no respect or love for you. Please try to love and respect yourself and your little one enough to get away ❤️. I know it's hard. You will be worn down by this for so long, but you can't go on like this x

0808 2000 247
Please get help, he is abusing you.

Can you ring women’s aid op?

Thank you so so much for the number. I am completely worn down, and I tried one last time. But I realise now the dream I wanted isn't here. He won't change. Its been 7 years. I miss my nan and she's getting old and I'm here miserable.

He can talk his way out of anything so I don't know what to do, I've been advised by my BIL to get the police round, but I know he punched his ex in the face and told the police she done it and wormed his way out. I'm so stuck and angry with myself

@snapped I'm going to make an excuse trip to the shop and do it then, I think I really need their help. I've been looking up signs of abuse and he ticks most boxes

When I say looking up, my sister sent me the screenshots :( they're worried too but they're so far

Speak to women’s aid and speak to the police.
They will help you, you might not feel it but you are in an abusive relationship. He punched his ex in the face?

This charming leopard is not changing his spots, do you want to spend the rest of your life being run down and abused by this worthless piece of shit? You’re better than that, and he knows it or he wouldn’t keep putting you down.

You also don’t want your son growing up thinking it’s ok to treat women like this, like it or not this is his normal.

Gather up what you can in the way of paperwork (passports, birth certificate, payslips and anything else that's official), walk out the door with your son and go to the train station, and leave.

Go see your nan. Everything else can be dealt with, one step at a time.

Just get out.

Your son will believe that he is stupid.

This is it. I don't want this for ds. I so wish I left when he was born. When he told me I couldn't have half an hour break because then I'd want an hour. It was a sign.

I wish wish wish I could turn it all back. But I can't waste any more years like this. I don't want to be 30 and still here. I dont want ds being here into his teens. That will be a disaster.

I'm scared of what rubbish he will say to the police, I'm scared hell try to keep ds, I'm really scared.

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This is so sad. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. Go it alone and find yourself back. Every day you spend with this man you will never get back. Go. Don’t look back. You can do it.

Will your partner suddenly start miraculously being nice to you, showing his son how a father should be and how a man should treat his partner?? Do you want your son to learn how to be a man from this man?

Do it OP. To use a common MNphrase - the hills are over there ...

If you say you're visiting your nan this weekend with your ds, will he be horribly suspicious? You absolutely must get out, this guy sounds like a monster.

I do not want ds to learn this behaviour. I've taught ds how to use the washing machine and hang clothes, fold them and put them away. He said to ds "you don't need to be doing that, its womens work" with a laugh.

I don't want this anymore.

He will be suspicious because of the row last night. I told him I was leaving. Though I know he doesn't believe it. He'll smash my stuff up. He's done it to phones before.

Don’t tell him you’re leaving, with a violent history he’s unpredictable. Gather your important documents, your son and leave without looking back.

It’s abuser 101 to say they’ll get the kids, it’s an attempt to hold on to the power they feel slipping away. My ex husband tried the same, I fell for it at the time as I was young and naive, they don’t want the kids, it’s just about power.

Keep your powder dry, any information you give him he will use to hurt and abuse you.