AIBU to ask if it's possible that your DP is not your best friend?

[Elasticity]

I'm sure we all see on MN as well as all other the internet and in real life chats people stating that their girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/husband/wife is their best friend.

I just can't get my head round this. Currently single but in the past I would always classify my partner as something very different to my friends and would say I have a small group of best friends, with my partner just being well... my partner.

In particular I feel like there are certain things you would discuss with friends more easily than a partner and can't see my view ever changing on this. That's not to say I'd keep big secrets from partner or anything, but for some issues I would discuss with best mates first or go to them first for advice.

I'm also the kind of person who gets easily suffocated and need my own social group to escape to from time to time without partner. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if my partner was the same.

I also wouldn't be bothered if my partner admitted I wasn't their best friend. It makes sense to me.

Is anyone else in a successful LTR/marriage where you both woukdnt consider each other "best friends"?

Or is anyone in a LTR where one of you hasn't reciprocated that you are best friends? What's the vibe like?

Me and DH are defo best pals, but before I met him I would never have said this about any previous relationship. He is a better listener than many of my friends, caring, funny, and we are interested in a lot of similar things and share many similar opinions. That's not to say he doesn't drive me mental at times and I do need things from friends that I can't get from him, but for overall closeness and the person I want to hang out with the most in life, he's defo my bestie

I wouldn't call DH my "best friend", no. Much as I value my friends, it's a totally different dynamic - I wouldn't want to live, sleep and share children with them. There is no sex involved either! It's not really comparable, tbh. I have different kinds of conversations with my girlfriends than DH and relate in a totally different way. He would have my back more than anyone else as things stand.

I completely agree

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years and he's not my friend. He's never been my friend; he's my boyfriend and it's totally different. We were given wedding vow options and one of those is to promise to be best friends but we're not even friends in the first place.

For me friends are platonic; and I definitely get different emotional connections with them than with my partner.

I wouldn’t say that my husband is my best friend; he’s my partner and we support each other no matter what and I tell him everything (mostly) But my relationship with my best friend is very different; deeper in some ways and I feel she understands my life more than he does.
That’s not a criticism of my relationship with my husband but my relationship with my best friend significantly outdates the one with my husband.

No I can’t imagine being married to somebody that wasn’t my best friend too. There is nothing we wouldn’t share, would talk about or show each other. We have shared our most intimate actions and thoughts. We put each other before anyone else and know we will remain committed, as promised, until death.
That doesn’t stop us having separate friends and activities, of course, but with the security that we’ll always have each other to share everything with. Absolutely no secrets and a totally honest partnership.

DW is DW - and there is no other potential 'partner' in my life.

I also have 3 'best friends', guys who I have known for 20 years plus.

I don't see the contradiction, myself.

I think this modern day pressure on and pectation about your oh being everything, lover, best friend, perfect parent, provider, counsellor, handyman/woman cook , cleaner bottle washer and model is what’s leading to such high divorce rates we should take the pressure off our relationships with oh and let others fulfill some of these roles

He is my best friend as well as my husband. I couldn’t live with someone who wasn’t my friend. He knows everything, he has my back and I trust him more than anyone on this planet.

@fluffyears - yes, we have trust etc.

But it is different to friends.

I agree OP. Partners and friends are completely different - my boyfriends have never been friends, they're boyfriends. Yes of course we do things that friends do like laugh and talk about deep personal stuff and support each other, but the fact that there's a romantic element, for me, makes it completely different and incomparable to a friendship. It's just not the same thing. Perhaps that's why I don't think I could be friends with an ex, I struggle to see why I'd want them in my life anymore once the romantic part was over, because they were never there as a friend and it would be bizarre for me to revert to that

I totally agree with Bear's comments, have been married 30 years but there is no way my DH is my 'best friend', I have a huge circle of friends for different areas of my life, and friends that I've known much longer than I've been married. I would even say it is somewhat unhealthy to rely on one person for all your emotional/practical needs, & I think it leads to unreal expectations on what you expect from relationships. My parents are the same, married 55 years but although happy most of the time are not 'best friends'. I still find it odd that so many couples seem to rely on each other for everything and don't seem able to do things - nights out, holidays, interests etc. without each other. I am sure one of the reasons our marriage has lasted so long is that we enjoy our own interests and activities apart .

DH knows me better than anyone else except maybe my sister. This is because I rarely show the real me to anyone really. I don't share a great deal of my emotional life with anyone except DH. I have a few friends but if I am honest none of them really know me warts and all. DH does

I don’t consider dh my best friend although I prob tell him most things I’d tell my female bfs except maybe the detailed of periods/impending menopause or how sexy so & sonis from the tv! It’s just a different type of relationship which obv includes a physical element which is not there with bfs!!! Also don’t get the ‘mum is my best friend’ thing either. I got on v well with my mum (most of the time!) but she was a mum, not a friend and it’s the same between me & DD. IMO you have to have that boundary there for them to respect you as a parent.

I would say absolutely my DP is my best friend. I have a group of 4 close girl friends and there are obviously things I discuss/need from them that I can't get from DP and I wouldn't be without them.

However, me and DP are one and the same. We are a team, and understand each other inside out. He is the most understanding, kind person I know, and the best listener. We still talk into the night after 11 years and I never get bored of being with him.

Married 28 years here, in a happy relationship. We are partners and lovers but not 'best friends' .. we are individuals with different interests and sometimes quite different view points. We share a lot, but I don't need my every emotional need met by him. I don't have many close friends either but I'm quite a private person and quite self sufficient so rarely need to confide in anyone.
I can't imagine sharing hobbies... his are all sports and mine are definitely not! (Can't imagine him with a crochet hook either :D ) But I have his back and he has mine and we are a team.

Mine is my best friend. I have a couple of close friends but if it was the choice of spending time with them or him, I'd choose him every time. He's the only person I 100% trust with absolutely anything. And we talk about anything.

Mine is my best friend too. He is the only person I trust and tbh I'd be happy with just him and no-one else, although I do diligently maintain some friendships as that's the expected norm.

My Husband is my best friend. But to be fair we were friends before we became romantically involved. My ex was never my friend. It was very different and I think that because DH and I were friends first it helped create a foundation for us.

My husband is definitely my best friend.
But, that doesn't mean that we do not have our own friends and interests. In fact, both of us need quite a lot of breathing space and wouldn't stand being in each other's hair all the time.
I don't share all my interests with my (girl) friends either, that would be weird. We are all separate people, being friends or partners doesn't mean complete co-dependance imo.

With NuttyNutty on this one. (Not literally 'with', you know what I mean!!)

It's fine if some people don't feel a partner can also be a best-friend, whatever feels right to you isn't wrong just because it's different from others.

For me though, my husband is my best-friend, I actually told him that (again) last night. Although he likes to troll me and claim he's now been friend-zoned so our romantic life is over.

I tell him stuff I'd never tell anyone else and no one has ever made me laugh as much as he does.

Thinking back on my relationship with my ex who I once considered my best-friend, I should have ended the relationship when I stopped feeling like I could tell him anything.

DH is the one person in the world I’d rather spend time with more than anyone else. And I say this although I have a close knit group of friends who’ve known each other 20 years + and we’d walk over hot coals for each other.

I tell him more than anyone else. There are no off bounds topics. He knows all my perversions and peccadilloes. I can bitch about my in laws even I reckon that makes him my very best friend. I never had this level of closeness in any partner before and had always settled for less.

Yep my best friend is more bitchily hilarious. Its a different relationship IMO. MY DH is my world I adore him but with my best friend we could literally create our own party. We have done on crap nights out.

I would even say it is somewhat unhealthy to rely on one person for all your emotional/practical needs

That's not what a best friend is, though is it? My DH is absolutely my best friend. If we hadn't got together romantically, I could still see us as best friends who could chat about anything. I still have plenty of other friends - there's no 'relying on one person'!

pectation about your oh being everything, lover, best friend, perfect parent, provider, counsellor, handyman/woman cook , cleaner bottle washer and model

Of that list, best friend is the only expectation I have of my OH.

But I agree with PP, if it works for you and your partner, that's all that matters.

DH is my best friend, definitely. We've known each other since we were teenagers and our relationship stemmed from a friendship (albeit a short one).

I have two other best friends, who are my housemates from University. When the four of us get together, it's brilliant. I can trust any one of those 3 people with anything.