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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prevent this lunch?

44 replies

debs0576 · 28/06/2018 19:18

The background is we are low contact with MIL and FIL, (visits for special occasions and text updates.) this is due to a plethora of incidents, comments and general shit stirring on their part, DH and I decided it was for the best for the DC to not have to be around the constant negativity and victim mentality.

DS1’s birthday about a month ago, he decided (as well as a small party at the house for a couple of friends) he would like to go for a carvery with the family. (I know it sounds an odd request, but we did something similar for his cousin at the end of last year.)

My DM and SDF came, PIL and both BILs (plus kids and partners) all went well, kids loved it, all left happy.

I get a call from DM - who is aware of the situation with PILs - to tell me she has had a call from them. She was ‘cornered’ at the meal where she was asked for her number as they, “must do something at some point.” Now, DM is quite a non-confrontational, reserved person who is always wanting to please others, she never thought they would call, but it turns out they have and have invited her and DSF for lunch with them. (We all live within half an hour of each other, so distance isn’t an excuse unfortunately.)

I though DM was calling for an excuse to get out of this, it turns out she and DSF think it would look odd and very rude to refuse, so plan to go and leave it at that, with no more contact.

My problem is I don’t want them to. I’ve voiced this to DM, but SDF is having none of it and insisting on not being rude. I know that there must be some ulterior motive to this invitation, especially as we have no idea about it. As far as similarities between them go, they are chalk and cheese, this cannot be because they feel they would make good friends.

AIBU to do something to stop this? (If so, what on earth can I do?) Or should I just let it play out? I love my DH dearly, but his parents are my burden to deal with, I don’t want my family having to as well.

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 28/06/2018 19:56

I think you have to let it go ahead. You have given them the option of helping to get them out of it and they turned you down.
It's now their choice to put up with your in laws

Grilledaubergines · 28/06/2018 20:03

Leave them to it. It’ll be a hit or a miss so either way, it needs t be an issue.

Grilledaubergines · 28/06/2018 20:04

*needn’t

Shumpalumpa · 29/06/2018 02:54

As the invitation was extended after a family meal attended by your parents and PIL, I can see why your parents may find it rude to decline. They should decline if they don't to go.

Do your parents know the full extent of PILs shit stirring and other behaviour?

marylandmary · 29/06/2018 03:35

Were your PILs abusive to you or your family or is it general twattery?

If the former, is make sure your mother knows exactly what went on and how this could just be another way to get to you.

If the latter, is let them find out for themselves but tell them you do not want to hear about them at all and if they start, shut them down.

Is your M the naive type who would be sucked in to shit stirring by MIL?

Crunched · 29/06/2018 03:37

Your parents can make their own decisions.
I’m sure they will manage to navigate one lunch with no lasting damage.

frasier · 29/06/2018 03:47

Crunched My MIL can do lasting damage in one lunch, I’ve seen her do it. At SIL’s engagement party she managed to have a row with her sister who stormed off and then started on BIL-to-be’s parents with a “What are you looking at?” rant 😳.

Don’t underestimate a nasty MIL.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/06/2018 04:33

While I entirely understand your feelings and wish to prevent this from taking place, I don't really think you can.
All you can do is continue to represent your feelings to your mother and let her make her own decision - in the end, if she doesn't wish to appear rude, she can be ill on the day and unable to go.

There is a small part of me that would be very curious though, to find out why they want to see your parents...
Although I agree it won't be for a good reason. Chances are they'll just try to browbeat your mother into "Having A Chat" with you to make you let them back into your lives more. Hmm

But in reality, your parents are grown ups who can sort this out for themselves. I hope that, if your ILs were to start anything, your DSF would be man enough to stand up and walk away from them rather than let anything bad happen to your mum.

justilou1 · 29/06/2018 05:01

I don't see how you can stop one group of adults from seeing another. Meanwhile, it would be funny to put a recording device in your mother's bag...

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2018 05:06

I think you need to let it play out. Your parents are adults. If it gets out of hand, your dh will have to step in.

Maelstrop · 29/06/2018 06:58

If your dm doesn’t know the full extent of what your pils have done, now 8s time to tell her. It isn’t rude for them to refuse. You could bill it as. Your dm is being rude to ignore your wishes and that it would upset you greatly if they went and that you’d consider it very rude and them declaring they’re on pil’s side if they go. I’d be pulling the emotional blackmail if needed.

SpandexTutu · 29/06/2018 07:17

Your parents are adults and know what they are doing. Let them get on with it

gamerwidow · 29/06/2018 07:20

Same as spandextutu said. The wise that can happen is your DP will have a crap time and then they won’t do lunch again. You can’t police who your parents go to lunch with. You’ve earned them about your PIL you can do no more.

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 29/06/2018 07:22

Leave them to it!!

GreenTulips · 29/06/2018 07:26

I’m sure they will manage to navigate one lunch with no lasting damage

Your DM seems very switched on, will have your back and I don't think it's worth fretting over

llangennith · 29/06/2018 07:33

I wonder why your DSF is so keen to meet up with them when your DM is not? If they start criticising you will your DSF defend you? He’s putting your DM in an awkward position.

diddl · 29/06/2018 07:43

So it is OK for you to invite them all to something, but not for them to invite each other?

Ypu really can't be having a say in that at all.

All you can do is warn your mum about what you fear your ILs might say/do.

greendale17 · 29/06/2018 07:45

Why would your DM even want to give the time of day to your nasty in laws?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2018 07:46

I would leave them to it. You maintain low contact, but it is up to them what they do unfortunately. It sounds like they have been railroaded into it.

BrexitWife · 29/06/2018 07:46

Let them go ahead.
Your mum and DSF will learn the hard way that there is a reason why you are low contact.

I wouod keep in touch with them though and see how said lunch went. What has been said etc...

Or are you worried that your PIL will be spoiling your relationhsip with you too?

proudestmumm · 29/06/2018 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2018 07:50

As others have said, they know the situation and sound your mum sounds quite clued up. They will get the measure of your PIL.

chipsandgin · 29/06/2018 07:53

Take a step back - they are all adults, your DM probably has an awareness that they are dicks and will manage the situation accordingly (or if she doesn't have that awareness then fill her in on history so she is armed).

I've got some complicated family situations, if I am in circumstances where I have to do things out of duty (which is what this sounds like) then I think 'well, these people are dicks who are spouting bullshit nonsense, but I only have to be here a couple of hours so will nod, smile and ignore' and get on with it. You stepping in and trying to stop or control the situation will just make things worse. It's just a lunch, let them get on with it...unless you think they be brainwashed into a cult!

Missingstreetlife · 29/06/2018 08:32

Obvs PIL are trying to get your mum and her husband on their side, and probably talk sense into you. Hope your mum will put them straight.
There is no reason on earth they have to accept the invite, step dad should butt out actually. They can make any excuse not to go. If it is unpleasant enough they walk out or won't go again.
Embarrassing to be discussed like this but keep your mum on side.
Presume you won't invite pil again.

ushuaiamonamour · 29/06/2018 08:35

Even if your assumptionsthat your parents have nothing in common with these people, that they don't want to go, that they wanted you to furnish an excuseare correct this is nothing to do with you, and by having made it clear that you don't want them to go you're making sure they're being pulled in both directions. Please don't burden them further by (once again, I'm guessing) reciting the litany of wrongs the PILs have done to your family. And after all, as another poster pointed out, you invited those people to dinner yourself.

I find it a bit strange that you don't seem embarrassed by the idea of interfering in this way, not least because it's reminiscent of the schoolyard: I don't like her so if you're really my friend you won't play with them either.

Don't mean to sound harsh; indeed I'm sorry you have to deal with the pair of them. Just that it's your parents' decision, not yours. Leave them to it and say no more about it to them. Good luck.

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