Prevent this lunch?

[debs0576]

The background is we are low contact with MIL and FIL, (visits for special occasions and text updates.) this is due to a plethora of incidents, comments and general shit stirring on their part, DH and I decided it was for the best for the DC to not have to be around the constant negativity and victim mentality.

DS1’s birthday about a month ago, he decided (as well as a small party at the house for a couple of friends) he would like to go for a carvery with the family. (I know it sounds an odd request, but we did something similar for his cousin at the end of last year.)

My DM and SDF came, PIL and both BILs (plus kids and partners) all went well, kids loved it, all left happy.

I get a call from DM - who is aware of the situation with PILs - to tell me she has had a call from them. She was ‘cornered’ at the meal where she was asked for her number as they, “must do something at some point.” Now, DM is quite a non-confrontational, reserved person who is always wanting to please others, she never thought they would call, but it turns out they have and have invited her and DSF for lunch with them. (We all live within half an hour of each other, so distance isn’t an excuse unfortunately.)

I though DM was calling for an excuse to get out of this, it turns out she and DSF think it would look odd and very rude to refuse, so plan to go and leave it at that, with no more contact.

My problem is I don’t want them to. I’ve voiced this to DM, but SDF is having none of it and insisting on not being rude. I know that there must be some ulterior motive to this invitation, especially as we have no idea about it. As far as similarities between them go, they are chalk and cheese, this cannot be because they feel they would make good friends.

AIBU to do something to stop this? (If so, what on earth can I do?) Or should I just let it play out? I love my DH dearly, but his parents are my burden to deal with, I don’t want my family having to as well.

Do you have a sibling or other close relative who could speak to your mum?

You can't stop the lunch unfortunately but you can politely ask your parents not to discuss your family beyond general terms and not to divulge any information that you yourselves wouldn't.

OP, what a horrible situation to be in and I think all you can say is ok mum, go if you must but please don't be getting involved in the situation me and DP are in with the in-laws. I don't want to hear a thing about the lunch and the situation is no longer open to discussion.

Blimey - You can't stop adult people going out to lunch with each other! Just say "Have a nice time" and forget about it. None of your business.

Thanks for all the advice, I would feel embarrassed to step in and shut it down completely as it seems childish - but unfortunately, after everything that has happened, I did originally think this had to be an option. (They we're very emotionally abusive and manipulative to DH growing up, not just him but DBs too, which has now carried on well into his adult life, and we started to see it happening to our DSs too, DH has had counselling to help him as he had become extremely bitter, angry and full of resentment. He has managed to deal with a lot of it, but still has a hard time - as he is very close with his DBs - and keeps hearing about all their drama, as they are still full contact with PIL)
I think most of these posts are right, I will leave them to it. My DM is aware of everything that has happened, and it is just a couple of hours. SDF is renowned for having a temper, so fingers crossed arguments don't break out.
I do have an older sibling overseas who isn't completely aware of all DHs family drama, and very close to their PIL so will probably think I'm being ridiculous.
Worst case scenario would be that they have a huge row, we get a barrage of phone calls and abuse and DH will reduce contact further - if not completely (as he originally intended, I was naively thinking with limited contact we could make it work.)

I have a toxic mother who has never been introduced to my in laws. Much to her annoyance. So I really sympathize. Do ask your own mother not to divulge anything relating to you and your family. Bring her on board and hopefully it will only ever be one lunch.

I understand that you can’t stop it; but I find this very disloyal of your mother and stepfather given the circumstances. And I would be upset about it.

" but I find this very disloyal of your mother and stepfather "

To have contact when Op does?

"if not completely (as he originally intended, I was naively thinking with limited contact we could make it work.)"

He wanted to go no contact with his abusive parents & you said no? Even though they have also been abusive to your son?
Why???

I do t know their story but I’ll believe you when you say they are a bad sort. They know that all of society will behave with manners and that your parents will go to lunch. They probably use peoples manners to manipulate them all the time. Will they love bomb them and out on a great show? That could be very distressing for you, but know that their true colours will out eventually.

diddl

I have no idea why OP didn’t go NC when her partner wanted to - this is also potentially disloyal. But OP’s parents have 0 conceivable reason to spend time with these people when OP has made it clear how they have behaved.

"But OP’s parents have 0 conceivable reason to spend time with these people"

Well they feel they have to otherwise they would be being rude.

My parents are great at dealing with in laws. Your parents may suprised u. My mum is great at dealing with tricky issues mil creates at times and mil actually listens to her. Mum has smoothes many things and found compromises

I would expect that you will get a lot more support of your lc /nc eventuality (?) after your dm has spent time in their company, a quick reminder of loyalty to you regarding topics of chit chat( you wil not be gossiped about etc!) and wish her a lovely meal!!

Well they feel they have to otherwise they would be being rude.

In my opinion, loyalty to you child trumps feeling rude to practical strangers who have upset your child...

So DH wanting no contact came after a particularly manipulative meet up for MIL birthday.
Admittedly, with hindsight, maybe it would have made life easier (?) my worry was that it would cause a rift between DH and his brothers, who know what their parents are like, have dealt with it all themselves, but constantly put up with it, apologise to keep the peace, and try to keep them happy. (DH is the elder of the three)

DH is close with them, and I worried that PIL would manipulate their other children to either cut out or guilt DH into contact again where he would be worse off as the 'fallen from grace' son IYSWIM?

I didn't stop DH from going NC, i just voiced this view (which I'm now really aware seems to be exactly what his DBs do constantly with their peace-keeping) I would have fully supported NC if that was his ultimate decision. After some thought, (and calming down from the shit show of a visit) he decided LC would be the best for the situation - it has had its problems, regular messages stating how disappointed they were with DH for not seeing them as much, lots of guilt tripping. But it's worked well for some time now.

I know this lunch is part of some agenda, my DM is very sweet and polite, she will avoid touchy subjects - my SDF is quite hot headed, and rather protective of me and my sons, and has a wonderful relationship with DH, so I feel he could get quite upset if anything negative is said about us.

Btw if DH’s siblings would act poorly towards him because he went NC then they aren’t worth having in your lives anyway.

Maybe your SDF is on your side and wants to meet them privately to see for himself how bad they are and plans to give them a piece of his mind? Their plan could massively back fire on them....

my SDF is quite hot headed, and rather protective of me and my sons, and has a wonderful relationship with DH, so I feel he could get quite upset if anything negative is said about us.

If this is the case, then really it would be a good idea surely to ask for a meeting with him and explain, very calmly, that if PIL end up using this meal as a way to stir trouble of any type, then DH will absolutely go no contact with them. Now, this wouldn't in any way be the 'fault' of SDF or your DM, but they might want to think about what comes first - politeness, or perhaps helping to prevent PIL getting the opportunity to cause yet more trouble in DH's life - if he cares for him and all of you so much?

Be blunt - it's possible they are being used. Politeness doesn't come into it. They have the right to go but if the shit then hits the fan, they won't have the right to influence any outcome, it'll be between PIL and your DH, and his brothers. They could end up very much regretting it if they see a nasty situation which they'll inevitably feel 'we could have prevented.'

And I would absolutely preface the conversation with 'I am asking you from the heart to NOT get angry or upset at what I'm about to say, I'm trying to confide in you what the real dynamics are here. I understand that you feel protective of me, DH, DC, please listen to what I have to say.'

@debs0576
Have they had the lunch? What happened?