to ask what’s my chances of finding this guy?

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Posting here for traffic and it’s anlong one so bare with me!

So without going into too much detail, I was assaulted/abused/whatever you want to call it, numerous times within a relatively short space of time by a teacher when I was 14/15.
This guy was your typical abuser: charismatic, made me feel like I needed him, made out he was helping me the whole time. Thinking of it now, 8 years later, the whole thing makes me feel sick. I clearly didn’t process it properly back then, I just blocked it out and moved on - but in recent months I’ve been having the same recurring dream about one particular incident and it’s so vivid, I can see, feel and smell everything like I’m there.
I never reported it back then, but I’m 99.9% sure I wasn’t the only one because one day he was around school cracking on as usual, and the next day he had disappeared into thin air with no explanation given as to why he had gone. The rumour was another student had reported him for the same thing, so he took off in a hurry and without punishment or any involvement from the law it would seem.
I want to find him.
I’m not sure why yet - whether I want to actually go the whole hog and involve the police, or if I really just want to call him out on it and see what he has to say for himself
My first point of call was Facebook which came up empty.
A very close friend of mine checked the staff pages of all the secondary schools in the local area (3 big towns) and it would appear he’s not employed at any of those. (Thank god). She checked the electoral register and couldn’t find him either. So I’m thinking he’s either changed his name, is in prison or dead?
Am I missing something? Realistically is there another way to track him down?

Companies house is useful. Often people like that are self-employed and will be registered there. Even if they're using an accommodation address it gives you a start.... beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/

If you think you might want to report him to the police, it would be better not to initiate contact with him of any kind.

If you do decide to report it to the police, they will be able to find him.

I’m in two minds about it.
Deep down I want to see the bastard suffer at the hands of the law for what he’s done. But the other side of the coin is, I’m not sure I’m strong enough for all that. Interviews and having to go into detail of what he did to me when I was still a child really.

Do you have any support OP?

Would it be worth contacting your local rape crisis service to talk through the process and see how they could help?

rapecrisis.org.uk

No judgement from me either way. But I suspect that confronting him yourself, if you can find him, won’t bring the resolution you’re looking for.

Bottle the only people who are aware are me, him, the close friend who’s known me since school and I very recently told my husband about it.
My husband got very upset and angry (at the perpetrator not at me) when I told him and said that if I do find him, he will kill him - and the last thing I want is my husband getting into any trouble over this, so I’m doing this on my own.
I’ll have a look on the rape crisis website

Bottle I want to hear his reasoning for it.
I was 15, he must have been late 20’s maybe early 30’s at the time - clearly he knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew I was a vulnerable, messed up kid and wouldn’t tell on him at the time

I want to hear his reasoning for it

But you would only hear his self-justification. It won’t change what he did and how it has affected you. At worst, he will succeed in convincing you of his reasoning and you will come away feeling you were in some way to blame. Which you absolutely were not.

He knew I was a vulnerable, messed up kid and wouldn’t tell on him at the time

I think you already understand his reasoning pretty well.

I would personally probably be asking the police if they can find him. Not necessarily to go through the whole process, but to see if he is already known to them. I wouldn't expect them them to tell me where he is, but perhaps say if he was working with children. If he was, this would possibly push me into pressing charges. Although I would likely want to anyway as he's a danger to children whether working with them or not. Although it's one thing to imagine what you would do in a situation and another to live through it and make decisions in real life. I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. Have you looked ok into counselling? It could really help you to deal with what happened and how to go forwards.

Hearing his reasoning isn't going to help. You'll hear his version, but that won't be your version. If you feel strong enough, go through the official channels.

It’s so fucked up.
At the time, he was a really big part of my world. I was in no way romantically attracted to him - but still felt like I needed his recognition? Validation? I don’t know.

I’ve looked on rape crisis and it seems very geared towards current occurrences of rapes rather than things that have happened years go. That’s another thing that’s bothering me - even if I did go to the police, it was so long ago, it’s just my word against his isn’t it? There would be no physical evidence at all. And no witnesses as I never told anyone at the time

0nTheEdge can I do that?
Just speak to my local police and ask if someone is known to them?
I don’t even know where in the country he would be now, so would my local police be able to help?

People who do that won't have any kind of reasoning that will help you though. You're coming from the perspective of a decent and reasonable person, whereas a child abuser is neither decent nor reasonable

I do understand wanting to have a cathartic conversation with someone who has had a huge negative impact on your life, but the reality is that they probably are not willing/able.to venture into the part of themselves that sees and cares about how they hurt others. It's the very thing that enabled them to do that to you in the first place.

Lots of other agencies more specific to historical incidents here OP:
thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

And some good info here about reporting historical abuse to the police:
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/signs-symptoms-effects/non-recent-abuse/

Hi OP.

I don't have any advice really, but I just wanted to say that I have been/am currently in this position too.

As a 15 year old I was groomed by a man who was in his 20s. At the time, I think I persuaded myself that it was all OK. It's only later in life that I came to the realisation that it was a problem and that it affected me - and that he may have harmed others.

He was convicted of a minor (non sexual offence) a year later. I saw that in a local newspaper. But other than that he's gone. I have searched social media, I have searched Google, I even felt like hiring a private investigator (but I don't have hundreds of pounds an hour spare). I asked friends who I knew were connected to him in some ways. But he's gone. For all I can see, he might as well have vanished off the face of Planet Earth.

Sorry I don't have any concrete advice - but I get it. I get the need for reasons, more broadly I have a feeling of not being entirely sure why I want to speak to him - I just know that I do. Going to police does not feel right to me.

More than anything, I sometimes think I have a weird feeling of sadness or disappointment: I don't want to start seeing him sexually/romantically again, not one tiny bit, but I feel a bit unsettled that somebody can just vanish out of my life like that.

HTH.

Btw - not sure where you're located, but this happened to me in a small Northern town where nobody ever vanishes. Everybody always knows everybody else and there are only two or three degrees of separation, which makes it all the more weird. (I live elsewhere now)

NC17 it’s such a head fuck isn’t it?
I want to talk to him even though I know he will never admit he was doing anything wrong - I want him to know how much he has fucked my life up.
Like your guy, he was never violent. He was actually very nice to me. Appeared caring. Was there for me when I was going through teenage drama....but clearly I was nothing more than a sex toy for him to use and throw away when he was done

I was also abused aged 15, not by a teacher though.
made me feel like I needed him, made out he was helping me the whole time
This is very similar to my experience, it was emotional and sexual abuse.

I never reported it for similar reasons to you. However the man messaged me online a few years back, apologising for how he treated me, I fell for it and the old mind tricks cane back. It completely fucked my head up all over again and nearly ruined my current relationship. He wasn't sorry, all he wanted was to manipulate me into being his toy again. That was all.

Please don't directly contact this man, replying to him is the biggest regret of my life. No good will come of it.

I wouldn't rush to the police, I would seek out rape or abuse helplines who can provide you with real life emotional support before you do anything at all. There are lots of helplines- google NAPAC, Survivors Trust, rape crisis etc. There's also counselling you could access signposted through some of these helplines.

I found the worst thing for me was men trying to take control for me and not listening to MY wishes... wanting to seek revenge/"sort it out" for me. I made it clear in the end... if I do ANYTHING I do it being the one in control and you take away my decisions by storming in, I will NEVER get past that or be grateful.

This time you're in control. Your husband needs to support you by letting you be no matter how frustrating that may be. His anger is less important than your control... once he clicks that's what you need from him I'm sure it will be easier for him not to put pressure on you with his outrage which is understandable but not really a problem helpful for you to cope with on top of things in this.

Op don't try and find him yourself, you'll just be giving him the heads up that you're possibly considering taking action against what he did.
This could well result in him really disappearing, especially if he's groomed other young girls too, as he'll be shitting himself.

If I were you, I'd go to the Police, tell them all you remember and let them deal with him. Which they will.
It's so worth reporting him as you could well end up putting a stop to his abusing any one else.

The thought of it going as far as court is completely terrifying

Don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. Have you ever had counselling over it? I never have but I probably need some, I can't face it at the minute.

DearMrD I haven’t had counselling for this in particular - I’ve never talked about it until recently.