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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask what’s my chances of finding this guy?

50 replies

MyBreadIsEggy · 28/06/2018 17:43

Posting here for traffic and it’s anlong one so bare with me!

So without going into too much detail, I was assaulted/abused/whatever you want to call it, numerous times within a relatively short space of time by a teacher when I was 14/15.
This guy was your typical abuser: charismatic, made me feel like I needed him, made out he was helping me the whole time. Thinking of it now, 8 years later, the whole thing makes me feel sick. I clearly didn’t process it properly back then, I just blocked it out and moved on - but in recent months I’ve been having the same recurring dream about one particular incident and it’s so vivid, I can see, feel and smell everything like I’m there.
I never reported it back then, but I’m 99.9% sure I wasn’t the only one because one day he was around school cracking on as usual, and the next day he had disappeared into thin air with no explanation given as to why he had gone. The rumour was another student had reported him for the same thing, so he took off in a hurry and without punishment or any involvement from the law it would seem.
I want to find him.
I’m not sure why yet - whether I want to actually go the whole hog and involve the police, or if I really just want to call him out on it and see what he has to say for himself Sad
My first point of call was Facebook which came up empty.
A very close friend of mine checked the staff pages of all the secondary schools in the local area (3 big towns) and it would appear he’s not employed at any of those. (Thank god). She checked the electoral register and couldn’t find him either. So I’m thinking he’s either changed his name, is in prison or dead?
Am I missing something? Realistically is there another way to track him down?

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 28/06/2018 19:57

I won't comment on the psychological implication so of this, but if you want to find someone you can definitely do it on here.

Loads of threads have been on here tracking folk down etc. Just one the other day about some guy who was cheating etc. Not the same thing, i know.

DearMrDilkington · 28/06/2018 20:07

I would try and get counselling before you do anything, see what you want to do after talking about it. Flowers

tigersox · 28/06/2018 20:52

Please don't rush into persuing it with the police out of overinflated responsibility for others. Persue that if it's right for you when you're ready and have had some support for yourself first. Its particularly terrifying now as you're not ready. YOU matter most right now

leopardprintpillboxhat · 29/06/2018 01:33

"- but in recent months I’ve been having the same recurring dream about one particular incident and it’s so vivid, I can see, feel and smell everything like I’m there. "

This points to possible Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
Seek some help. If it is not dealt with it will keep coming back to bite you on the bum when you least expect it! It is insidious you owe yourself some love x

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 06:09

leopardprint I’ve already received treatment for PTSD caused by a completely unrelated thing, so it would surprise me if that’s reared it’s ugly head again

OP posts:
BrexitWife · 29/06/2018 06:45

Rape Crisis is great. A very good friend of mine used them as a support for something that has happened years ago and she had totally blocked out.
She got counselling (two lots) and found them extremely helpful and supportive.
They will help you deal with what has happened, regardless of whether utbwas yesterday or 10 years ago (what happened with my friend was more than 15 years before)

Lallypopstick · 29/06/2018 06:51

You should have a SARC in your area. Give them a call and they can advise on support.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 07:40

Thanks everyone for all these links and info for organisations.
There was another teacher who I had a very good relationship with - wonderful man who actually helped me gain my best GCSE result Grin - I messaged him on FB last night asking if he knew what became of the other guy once he left. I didn’t disclose the reason I wanted to know, I just said “do you know if he’s still teaching”. I thought he might know as they taught in the same subject group. But he said he hasn’t seen hide nor hair of him since that day either. He said the headteacher kept very tight lipped about the reason for his sudden departure too. And apparently he was very active on Facebook up until that point to, but it’s like he just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Now I’m panicking that he’s changed his name and is still “teaching”.....or molesting teenage girls Angry

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 29/06/2018 09:03

Do you know if he was married back then? If so, you could try to find her online and see if it leads to him.

DearMrDilkington · 29/06/2018 09:07

((www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/help-with-your-research/research-guides/changes-of-name/ not sure if this may help you, it has a lot of information about finding someone who may have changed their name.))

I understand why you want to find him so I'm happy to help, I just hope you won't directly contact him if you do track him down.

DearMrDilkington · 29/06/2018 09:08

Sorry I can never remember how to do a fancy link.Blush

NC172938 · 29/06/2018 09:43

@MyBreadIsEggy

Yeah, I know all of those feelings well. I often go round in cycles thinking "He was so nice to me, so how was it wrong?", before I remember all the bad bits...

If you have a photo of him, and you think he might be using that photo in some other online identity, you could use reverse image searching tools: reverse.photos/. There are also facial recognition tools available which pick a face out of a photo then search the web for it, but I'm not sure how to access them.

I fully understand what other posters have said about reasons against contact, they make good points. But I think that you'll know best what's right for you and when it's right to do it. Good luck whatever you decide Flowers Flowers

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 11:30

I’ve asked the other teacher is he remembers the wife’s name - I highly doubt she has any idea what kind of guy he is Sad they had a baby boy at the time too.
The photo recognition idea is good - the only photo I can find is from a local newspaper would that work if it’s clear enough?

OP posts:
eyycarumba · 29/06/2018 11:43

I would report to the police, they would have better chance of finding him if he's changed him name or moved away. Teachers also rarely use their actual names on social media anymore so students don't look them. If you found him and asked for an explanation, you'd just get fed a load of bullshit and he'll manipulate the situation, you won't get any closure.

It's always a risk reporting that it may not be taken further, but if you report this then maybe other girls (the one you suspected of reporting him in your OP?) will come forward too and a case can be built.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 12:11

eyycarumba reporting it worries me because of everything that comes along with it: police interviews, his word against mine, a possible court case if it went that far Sad I want to know if he’s around kids or not first

OP posts:
tigersox · 29/06/2018 12:25

Honestly love I'm invested in getting my point across to you because of my experience. Take my hindsight. Jumping into police and tracking this guy down before you have taken the time to explore and know what's right for you... will be further trauma you can possibly avoid.

I get that you want to... I get that you feel you need to know these things... give yourself time to explore what the repercussions might be in a space that's more equipped and supportive than a MN thread.

It might very well be the RIGHT thing for you but don't rush yourself. You have a relationship and a family, being okay for them and you is your only responsibility to yourself. Let the right people support you. Give it a chance and if it's not what you need... you hang up the phone and you call the police if that's a better fit. But organisations you've been signposted to can talk you through the process, give you reasonable expectations and offer you an outlet to just explore things before you jump in

My rapist is out there, walking free. For me... that was right. It's more complex than me allowing him to walk free though and I can sleep at night knowing I made a choice right for me and I'm not responsible for HIS actions. I do know where he is. I do know I haven't morally made a decision I can't live with.

Confusedashellandsuicidal · 29/06/2018 12:37

OP. Search for the independent inquiry into child sexual abuse and the truth Project.

I have been through this and they have located all my abusers and there is potential legal action for them.

I'm happy for you to send me a message, but I don't always respond straight away.

Weezol · 29/06/2018 12:45

I'm with Tiger. It was my sudden, out of the blue, deep rooted and overpowering need to know where he was that led me to Rape Crisis 20 odd years after the events.

They were fantastic and counselled me for several years. As well as dealing with the historical abuse, it helped me discover that a few other things that I thought were unrelated to the abuse actually were, and I dealt with that too.

NC172938 · 29/06/2018 13:50

MyBreadIsEggy

I think it depends on the software/tool you use. Some of the ones on Google are more sophisticated than others, although I haven't used it myself so not certain which is best.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/06/2018 15:19

MyBread
Abusers have a duty not to abuse
Victims owe no one but themselves a duty

Your duty to yourself is to do the right thing for you. Take it step by step and get some support from experienced people. You don't have take any action that doesn't feel right to you. If doing nothing is right for you then do nothing. If going to the police is right for you go to the police.

My concern would be if you find him what if he just uses it as a tool to abuse you again. Do you have the strength to deal with the possibility that he abused you because he was an abusive shit and still is.

Coughy · 29/06/2018 16:23

Did you already post about tracing online? Saw a few threads like this here. Involve the police.. youre not sherlocke.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 17:14

Chaz the only way I feel I would be pushed to take it to the police is if he’s still around kids.
I’m not in a place where I can handle police interviews, and possibly a court case where I would be torn apart by his defence Sad I won’t put my family through that either unless I absolutely have too - my parents aren’t even aware of it. They always thought he was this stand up guy who was taking care of me after some self-harm issues....when it was actually those self-harm issues which led to him getting my clothes off Sad it makes me feel physically ill to think about how my parents would feel

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/06/2018 17:45

MyBread
Flowers
Focus on looking after yourself first. What happened to you was wrong and unacceptable. It was never your fault and it shouldn't have happened. Speak to one of the organisations listed above and take things at a pace that works for you.

Star1234567890 · 29/06/2018 18:22

Ratemyteacher.com may help you.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 21:35

My other teacher remembered his wife’s name. I found her on Facebook, and saw him in an old profile picture.
Threw up, cried, and now I don’t really know what I want to do.
I wasn’t expecting to have that kind of reaction

OP posts:
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