Friend always wants me to travel an hour to see her at her flat

[northernlights0710]

Hi all,

Thanks for helping me find my £500! Now I have another question for the MN committee if you could kindly help!

I have a friend who lives right on the other side of London to me - it takes me at least an hour to get to her flat. I would prefer to meet in the city, which is halfway for both of us.

But she is ALWAYS trying to get me to come to HER neighbourhood. I've raised this is the past with her that it's a miminum 2 hour round trip for me, and in the winter when the trains are bad it can be a 4-hr round trip. Yet she persists!

I (gave in and) went over to her place last month but she wants me to go again (next month). I would NEVER expect a friend on the other side of town - or even friends who live in central London to come to me all the time.

What she wants is for us to sit in her garden in the sun because she is trying to save money (and is lazy). Okay, so I don't have a garden and hate having people over because I'm a terrible cook. And because it saves me having to do a big clean-up

I don't want to fall out with her. She's interesting and good company and we have a hobby we share - walking. But I am determined that I'm not going over to her neighbourhood again in the near future. How can I do this tactfully?

I don't want to say to her: "Listen, I think it's unfair that I am always expected to travel to you. None of my other friends ask me to do this. We always agree to meet halfway. This seems a one-sided friendship to me." etc. Because I'm a gentle soul who hates confrontation and hurting people's feelings. Or just a big wimp!!!

Can you ingenious Mumsnetters devise a cunning plan for me to get round this tricky situation?

What kind of places do you go for walks? If it's usually the country can you find a walking tour in the city and do that together then go out for a meal or just a drink?

Meet after work? Assuming this is possible and convenient for you.

Find a free lecture/art exhibition/etc in the city you think you both might enjoy?

It sounds like it might be the saving money reason is why she doesn't want to meet half way because usually if you meet out you spend money. So I would see what happens if you suggest something that is halfway that doesn't involve spending money

Just say 'Sorry, in this heat, the idea of spending that long on public transport just makes me want to melt. Any chance we could meet halfway and laze in a park?'

Then it's up to her.

Just say 'Sorry, in this heat, the idea of spending that long on public transport just makes me want to melt. Any chance we could meet halfway and laze in a park?'

Then it's up to her.

Greenfingers - good idea, thanks.

Rainbow - Yes, we have done lots of walks in the city before and I'm happy to do them. I'm always saving money anyway as I don't earn much.

But she has always been like this. Even before she was trying to save money she was always trying to get me to travel to her neighbourhood. To the degree where I stopped calling her and getting back to her promptly. Which led her to fall out with me. We only re-established contact a couple of years ago.

She's interesting, funny and intelligent. But she needs more friends closer to home who can go and sit in her garden with her. She had a very good friend in her neighbourhood who she's fallen out with. I think she has an empathy problem.

She sounds tiresome.
I’d just say, ‘it’s too far for me to travel to yours all the time, we either take it in turns to each other’s or we meet in the middle’ and be prepared that she was going to be a twat about it. Her wants don’t trump yours.

Yes, Disco.... that's the stage I'm getting to - that she's going to be difficult about it.

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant to say that I expect she will continue to insist I go over there and that I'm going to have to be blunt with her.

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant to say that I expect she will continue to insist I go over there and that I'm going to have to be blunt with her.

If she insists then “Sorry, no, it’s too far for me - how about x place? Otherwise maybe you know some other places around (central point)?”

You found your £500! Yay! Do you have a link to the thread so I can enjoy the happy ending? (I read it early on before you found it and now can’t find it.)

Re: friend - agree with the others. How about “Actually it’s my turn to host. I’ll sort some drinks and snacks and we can go to XYZ park and enjoy the sunshine. Looking forward to it!”

If she continues to insist, then she is hte one being rude. She is the one being blunt with you. She is the one spoiling it all.

'No, sorry, I did the travelling last time, but if you don't want to come all the way over to mine I'm happy to meet somewhere in the middle?'

Couldn't be politer.

She insists?

You just say that exact sentence again. No need to find another 'way' to say it. Just rinse and repeat.

If she starts hassling, she really isn't a good friend to you.

If she continues to insist, then she is hte one being rude. She is the one being blunt with you. She is the one spoiling it all.

'No, sorry, I did the travelling last time, but if you don't want to come all the way over to mine I'm happy to meet somewhere in the middle?'

Couldn't be politer.

She insists?

You just say that exact sentence again. No need to find another 'way' to say it. Just rinse and repeat.

If she starts hassling, she really isn't a good friend to you.

Yanbu. Suggest a picnic in a park watch is very cheap.

Thanks Essential - that is totally reasonable but I feel I've made a rod for my own back by -giving in having gone over there in the past.

I like what Fizzy suggests.

Mumoftwoyoungkids - haha... here's the link to the thread. Hopefully it should take you straight to page 10, where you can read about where I'd hidden it!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3287254-To-be-devastated-at-losing-an-envelope-with-500-cash-in-it?pg=10

Yes, Fizzy - thanks, you are right. Great advice!

Lemoncordial and Mumoftwoyoungkids - yes, good idea too. Thank you!

we've got friends who have done this - we are in a flat etc etc

we have just said that. I don't think it's a rude thing to point out. "meet me half way" is a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

Thanks Lighthouse.

I think she is a bit odd though. Another thing she does is pester me to go on holidays with her to places I don't want to go to. I tell her over and over that I don't want to go, but still she persists!

She doesn't "get" the cues in the way that other people would.

You obviously know your friend better than me, but are you sure it's because she's lazy? Imagine this: "My friend lives on the other side of London. I've had her round to mine a couple of times but she never invites me back to hers. I am currently trying to save for X, so I don't have a lot of disposable income. The trouble is, she doesn't seem to want to come back to mine either, and always wants to meet somewhere central, which will mean London-priced drinks/dinner. AIBU to say no and keep inviting her to mine?"

She's probably writing an AIBU of her own.

AIBU about my friend? She insists I meet her in the city though she knows I can't afford to go out. Besides public transport it's drinks and then food etc. Just can't afford it. I would love an invite to her house but one is never forthcoming. What should I do?

"Another thing she does is pester me to go on holidays with her to places I don't want to go to."

oh.....this sounds very familiar!!! if you're north and she's sarf, we might have the same friend! It's like everything has to be explained 100 x.

"Another thing she does is pester me to go on holidays with her to places I don't want to go to."

oh.....this sounds very familiar!!! if you're north and she's sarf, we might have the same friend! It's like everything has to be explained 100 x.

This is how friendships eventually fizzle out a lot of the time. You have no time, don't want to travel, one person is never around, etc. etc. Sometimes it's just a natural and healthy thing to happen.

Cross post PuddlesOfBud!