Friend always wants me to travel an hour to see her at her flat

[northernlights0710]

Hi all,

Thanks for helping me find my £500! Now I have another question for the MN committee if you could kindly help!

I have a friend who lives right on the other side of London to me - it takes me at least an hour to get to her flat. I would prefer to meet in the city, which is halfway for both of us.

But she is ALWAYS trying to get me to come to HER neighbourhood. I've raised this is the past with her that it's a miminum 2 hour round trip for me, and in the winter when the trains are bad it can be a 4-hr round trip. Yet she persists!

I (gave in and) went over to her place last month but she wants me to go again (next month). I would NEVER expect a friend on the other side of town - or even friends who live in central London to come to me all the time.

What she wants is for us to sit in her garden in the sun because she is trying to save money (and is lazy). Okay, so I don't have a garden and hate having people over because I'm a terrible cook. And because it saves me having to do a big clean-up

I don't want to fall out with her. She's interesting and good company and we have a hobby we share - walking. But I am determined that I'm not going over to her neighbourhood again in the near future. How can I do this tactfully?

I don't want to say to her: "Listen, I think it's unfair that I am always expected to travel to you. None of my other friends ask me to do this. We always agree to meet halfway. This seems a one-sided friendship to me." etc. Because I'm a gentle soul who hates confrontation and hurting people's feelings. Or just a big wimp!!!

Can you ingenious Mumsnetters devise a cunning plan for me to get round this tricky situation?

Busybarbara - I think this is about right, yes.

Coralfish and Puddles - fair point. In my defence, I have invited her over - on the last occasion actually - but she "won" by saying she had another friend who lives near her who wanted to come over too. So I gave in.

Second, I don't want to have expensive meals in central London either - I earn about half of what she earns - and if we go for a walk, we'll grab some food in a Pret or M&S cafe or something, so not an expensive trip. I do see your point but if you asked all of my other friends in RL, they would tell you that I am not selfish, but on the contrary, far too accommodating of others' needs. That said, I appreciate your argument.

Lighthouse - haha... you never know! I'm south east and she's south west though, so maybe not the same person!

I've been feeling very guilty because I've seen a good friend very rarely over the last couple of years. It just dawned on me recently that it was because it was such a hassle - I've to drive to her horrible holiday town, dreadful traffic jams, she's moved from her house to a flat with a gated car park, phone her when I get there for her to open the gates, try to remember from a year before which entrance I use, up in the lift, her DP sitting there like a bump on a log watching sports on TV, so she says "Lets go out for coffee", drive around for half an hour searching for parking, find meter, feed meter with chunks of change, into loud cafe with kids and dogs and expensive coffee then drive her home.

I've now put my foot down that next time we meet half way, in a naice quiet cafe. Don't know why I didn't do this years ago.

In the OP's shoes I'd offer to bring a picnic lunch to a park halfway between.

Hi Juells - sounds as if you need to get her away from that whole environment as it sounds way too stressful! How come you have previously visited her all the time - is it difficult for her to get away to meet you halfway?

Ahh OP it's a tough one I sympathise

I had a friend like this who insisted we all had to go to hers and it became a nightmare

Eventually she asked when I had declined a couple of her events ...and I broke it down "£30 For petrol, £80 for the babysitter £10 For hostess gift (she always insisted it was polite) £10 for a bottle of something that everyone did and would be odd not to"...she to be fair was horrified as she hadn't realised how much a quiet dinner party at hers cost us

No real advice I'm afraid as my friendship ended but empathy

It's a rather one sided friendship by the sound of it. It isn't just about the cost of always going to her house. It's mostly about the time you are investing in the friendship. If she can't be bothered to meet you somewhere halfway, then she doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.

I'd be tempted to invite her somewhere nice e.g.a park, and if she says she'd rather stay home, reply that you can't be arsed to shlep over there. Because that's essentially what she is saying.

It's a rather one sided friendship by the sound of it. It isn't just about the cost of always going to her house. It's mostly about the time you are investing in the friendship. If she can't be bothered to meet you somewhere halfway, then she doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.

I'd be tempted to invite her somewhere nice e.g.a park, and if she says she'd rather stay home, reply that you can't be arsed to shlep over there. Because that's essentially what she is saying.

Thanks Brunsdon. Pity the friendship ended but I feel that real friends should want to spend time with you, rather than you being a body to go along with what they want all the time.

I feel my scenario may go the same way, ultimately.

I also have friends who are pensioners (three) who I see regularly in central London (two of them live there, but are NOT rich!) and we do cheap things - walk, go to galleries and eat at M&S cafes, etc.

It's a rather one sided friendship by the sound of it. It isn't just about the cost of always going to her house. It's mostly about the time you are investing in the friendship. If she can't be bothered to meet you somewhere halfway, then she doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.

I'd be tempted to invite her somewhere nice e.g.a park, and if she says she'd rather stay home, reply that you can't be arsed to shlep over there. Because that's essentially what she is saying.

I'd offer to bring a picnic lunch to a park halfway between.
This ^^. It's cheap and fair. If she says no then tell her you'll have to arrange something another time because you can't face the journey to hers right now.

Thanks Brunsdon. Pity the friendship ended but I feel that real friends should want to spend time with you, rather than you being a body to go along with what they want all the time.

I feel my scenario may go the same way, ultimately.

I also have friends who are pensioners (three) who I see regularly in central London (two of them live there, but are NOT rich!) and we do cheap things - walk, go to galleries and eat at M&S cafes, etc.

Thanks Jackhog and Nikesphorus - great suggestions. Thank you. I must run now, guys, as I'm going for a nice walk in the sun!

All your good advice is very much appreciated.

Okay fair enough!

I had a friend a bit like that. Note the past tense. She earned way more than me. Whenever she came over to mine she would complain about having to come to a different zone and having to pay more (I had the same issue getting to hers!) plus she would say she couldn't cook so we'd have takeaway at hers and I'd pay half, even though I would always take a bottle and I always cooked dinner when she came to mine (turning up empty handed). Also, she once made a fuss about me taking the leftovers of my takeaway dish (which was cheaper than hers so I'd effectively subsidised her dinner by paying half)! When I started making excuses not to go round I ended up having to mention it (politely explaining I didn't always have the money for takeaways, not being rude or argumentative or suggesting she should pay) she stopped speaking to me, and that was that.

She doesn't "get" the cues in the way that other people would.

Oh, she does

She's just a cheeky cow and has worked out that if she bulldozes, most people are not only too polite to call her out, but will make excuses like this for her rather than telling her where to go. And she gets her way.

I ended up having to ghost a friend like this (although there were other reasons). She seemed to have no insight as to why I didn't want to do a 3 hour round trip on my only day off to see her in her new city for a drink or a gig or because she was bored. She also didn't seem to understand that I couldn't afford the added petrol or train expenses. Eventually I just felt used and resentful.

If your friend is having issues in her other friendships too, I'd be wary. Friendships should be equal and fair. You say she has an empathy problem - bit concerning don't you think?!

I'm not by any means suggesting you ghost her...I'll admit to being a coward and thats why I did what I did. But do work on your boundaries. Take it from bitter experience, soft touches get trodden all over! You have every right to say, "Can we make this a bit fairer? I can't keep doing a two hour journey or more to see you. I love spending time with you and want to continue doing so but there needs to be a bit more give and take. I'm not suggesting you come all the way to mine but lets meet half way instead."

It shouldn't be all one sided. And you do NOT need to feel guilty or confrontational. You are just being fair all round!

OP - I have a friend whose the same....always has to be her time, her venue etc. It's very annoying for me. I have a busier life and can't eat gluten ....all the places she chooses are breadtastic! After a recent operation I refused to meet and this did cause a tiff and I hope a redraw of the boundaries. Don't be this friends "bag carrier" ..... if you can't bear a face to face or phone chat, text and say
"Love to meet.....but it is MY turn to host and I'm not taking NO for an answer this time.....really looking forward to it!"

I'd personally use the "half way" idea as your fall back position ......"well I suppose if you don't want to come all the way over to mine...we could meet halfway" but don't offer that first-off.....make her get over to yours!

@CoralFish

she stopped speaking to me, and that was that

Lucky escape.

some people don't get subtle hints. You may need to go in blunter than you would do naturally to get your message across.

Re holidays you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable saying ‘I didn’t want to go there last week, I still didn’t want to go there Tuesday, why on earth do you think I might suddenly think it’s a fun destination today? I get that you do, but I really don’t.’

Delayed response due to rushing about the last couple of days but just to say thanks to all. Some great advice on here which I will follow the next time she tries to get me over to her place.

It could mean the end of the friendship, depending on how she reacts, but so be it. I prefer to have friends who are genuinely interested in spending time with me, not just having someone - anyone - around just to go along with what they want.

Thanks all