Debating going from 1-2 children..

[mummytoc]

I’ve already posted this on chat, but thought I would try here...

So I’m asking that age old question... should I go from having 1 to 2 children??? Bear with me as this may be long!!

So to give background, I have an older sister (5 year age gap) and my partner is an only child. Partner was happy being an only and never asked or wanted a sibling. My sister and I don’t really get on, she spent most of her life trying to win our parents affections by making me look stupid, monopolising their time and even now is very jealous and manipulative. Even now when people first meet me, a few months in are shocked I have a sibling as I never mention her.

So I have an only, one 4 yr old daughter who is going to school in September. She’s everything to me, is so funny and although looks like her daddy reminds me a lot of me personality wise we are peas in a pod!!

So she’s got to that age where she’s asking for a sibling and I either don’t reply and say you’re enough for us as hubby and I agreed we were happy being a family of 3.

The thing is, I have a niggling thought in the back of my head about having another one. There are so many cons to having another - we live in a 2 bed house and don’t want to move so it would be a squeeze, the birth ended up almost killing me (hubby was told to prepare to lose me through various complications) I’m in the process of learning to drive and haven’t passed my test yet (planning to in next few months) I had horrendous pnd and had to be prescribed anti depressants for the first year, I don’t want there to be sibling rivalry or favouritism between the two, twins run both sides of the family, and generally it would throw a bomb into our peaceful and happy life at the moment. We were so lucky with childcare, both my parents and inlaws took the brunt of childcare for my daughter before she went to playgroup so I could go back to work part time but I’ve been warned they can’t do that again (inlaws are approaching 70s) which is fair enough.

Being sensible I’d say stick with what we’ve got and appreciate it all but I just wonder whether I’m going to regret it in later life, whether my daughter will be lonely etc sad

Sorry for such the long post it’s something that consumes my thoughts most days and I just feel with the clock ticking (I’m early 30s) I need to make a decision soonish...

Anyone with any advice or insight would be most welcomed!!! and just to add, Partner and I originally wanted 2 but are/were happy with 1 because of the issues we had, so think he wouldn’t mind either way...

PLEASE do NOT decide anything on the basis of "whether my daughter will be lonely or sad". Seriously.

I'm an only child. Any loneliness I have has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I do not have siblings. Only children are perfectly normal, healthy, sensible beings. We do not get warped because our parents made that choice.

It's the same as people choosing to have more kids so that "there is someone to take care of me when I am older". Fuck that. That's not why you have children and you may well find your kids dump you in a nursing home and you never see them.

You may have another child and your daughter absolutely loathe them. They may not get on at all. My mum and her sister detested each other as children and it didn't thaw hugely as they got older.

If you want a child you have one because you and your husband really, really have an aching desire for another. Not for any other reason.

ShatnersWig, I think I already mentioned in my post my partner is was happy being an only child and my sister and I didn’t get on. So that’s not the driving reason for us to have another, it’s mainly because I want another.

The list of cons is quite long, and for me personally the health risk (given your previous pregnancy) would put me off, though I do absolutely understand that biological desire to have another child.

My sister is nearly 5 years older than me and we fought A LOT when we were growing up. I wanted to do all the things she was allowed to do, while she resented me coming along after so many years of having sole attention which also coincided with her going to school so she felt pushed out. She was truly horrible to me for years when we were children, though we get on fine now and I do appreciate having her.

On balance I think if I were in your situation I'd just stick with what you have, but it is hard to ignore that desire to have another.

I'm an only, hubby's got a sibling, we have two kids. . Mostly because of lack of extended family around them. I hope they get on later!

Your list of cons is quite strong. I had a massive pph this time and wouldn't risk another pregnancy after that even though odds of reoccurrence are pretty small.

Re Shatners' comment - yes, they might as well dump me in a nursing home when I'm old. But hopefully we'll have had a loving relationship till then, and it's nice to share the emotional burden of that type of situation with someone else.

Can you have a birth debrief to discuss what happened last time and how likely it is to reoccur?

Do you know why the birth nearly killed you - is it something that could happen again? Are twins going to increase that risk? If it is, I wouldn't risk it at all, not now you have a DD to consider.

I also wouldn't put too much weight on your DD wanting one, she probably isn't imagining a baby so much younger but asking for a playmate (school will mean she has friends around all day). Also, most people I know have experienced pangs of "should we?" when their last child gets bigger - whether it's an only or if they have 5.

It sounds like a cop-out for such a big decision, but I think your family will be fine and happy either way. If the medical stuff is not an issue, toss a coin and see your reaction to it, good luck.

Hi OP

I had a similar experience to you with my first - almost died during the birth and bad PND.

I did go on to have a second when my oldest was 3. I requested an elective section due to mental health reasons and had no problem getting this approved. I found the ELCS to be a really peaceful experience and I have only happy memories of DS2 being born.

We were always going to have just one because that one was such hard-work. He never slept until about age 5.
However I always had that "what if" thoughts and we do now have another with a 6.5 year age gap.
I now feel complete and no thoughts whatsoever of "another child" and my youngest is age 5.
However, I didn't have a difficult or complicated birth. I think in your situation Id want to find out more about that. Not worth risking your life - you now have your daughter to consider.
I like the idea above of tossing a coin or doing a pregnancy test and thinking how you would feel if it was positive. That may well give you yoru answer .

I agree the list of cons is long and, while deciding whether or not to have another is never easy, it is easier when you're more set up for a other child. Ds was 5 when I fell pregnant with dd. My overriding concern at that time was the potential impact on ds (he'd never expressed a wish for a sibling). But, we were financially comfortable enough, have a lot of family support and the desire for another was overwhelming. Going from one to two was easier than going from none to one, but if we hadn't been ready (practically - you're never really ready emotionally until they're born!) then it would have been a lot tougher. Ds is a great big brother and dd adores him. He'd have been just as happy as an only child though.

The biological desire to continue having children is inherent. You have to look past that, though. There are a lot of cons on your list, and very few pros.

For what it's worth, I'm an only child and also very happy. I wouldn't have had the opportunities, and I doubt I would have the close relationship that I have with my mum, if I'd had even one sibling.

I am having my third in a couple of months. I personally hated being an only child and knew I wanted a big family. Husband is one of two and not close to his sister particularly so would have been happy with two, but we always knew we'd like two. I had my first two two years apart so didn't get to the stage where a sibling was asked for and my two are really close and both boys so best of friends. It's difficult to say, but with the age gap you'd have, I don't think they'd be close for a while. Is she asking because lots of friends have siblings? I do remember being desperate to have a sibling, but only because my parents were a bit crap and I was very lonely.

In terms of your health, maybe get a debrief and ask the impact of a future pregnancy?

Contrary to shatnerswig I did make a decision to have a second child not only because I wanted one but also because I wanted my child to have a companion.

It was a good choice, one I don't regret. Not all only children are lonely, but I personally think they are missing out on not having a sibling, and I didn't want that for my child.

It wasn't the only factor, but it was a very significant one.

It was a good choice, one I don't regret. Not all only children are lonely, but I personally think they are missing out on not having a sibling, and I didn't want that for my child.

You can think whatever you like, but you're wrong.

Contrary to shatnerswig I did make a decision to have a second child not only because I wanted one but also because I wanted my child to have a companion.

Similar to us as well. And even though we have a big age gap they get on (mostly) and has done my son the world of good having a little sister.

If you were to write a list of pros and cons, it looks to me like your con list wins it.

I was ready to put aside a lot of your worries. Stuff like not getting on with an older sister or your DD asking for a sib are neither here nor there IMO. For me, it basically comes down to whether you really want another child in your life. It's not the day to day, eg how would you juggle 2 lots of homework and brownies, or cope with going on cheaper holidays. That's just details. It's more when you imagine Christmas Day in 5 years would you want there to be another person at the table? For me, anyway. We always knew we wanted 2 and always felt there was a gap in our family until DC2 arrived.

Your family unit sounds pretty perfect as it is. On the other hand, having another family member to love would eventually, long term, bring you all much joy. But with the medical worries I'm not sure it's worth the risk, to you personally. Yes you may hanker after another later, but that's true of everyone - we all have to stop somewhere, and there's always a "what if?" after. That's not a reason to have a child you're not sure you "need" to complete your family. But if you did decide to take the risks and have another, that would probably work out fine too. Our DC2 makes our day to day life more complicated (he is autistic) and has quite a big impact on his sister, but we all are very glad we have him.

Dreamingofkfc can I ask why or how your parents were crap? I have an only child. She'll remain an only child as I don't really want another. I really want to do my best for her so that she never thinks bad of me for never giving her a sibling but I often think I'm crap with her!

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate them.

The birth was over 24 hours and when they went to break my waters discovered they weren’t there (I’d slowly leaked and I wasn’t checked over) I had failed epidurals and eventually a spinal block and forceps as I was too exhausted to continue, she was over 9lbs so when she was born I haemorrraged and ended up with 3 blood transfusions, id like to think if we did decide to have another I’d opt for an elective c section, if that’s possible. Can’t go through a natural birth again. I’ve always said to dp if we had millions I would definitely consider a surrogate like he kardashians but sadly a pipe dream...

I'm on the fence I think.

In your situation, I don't think I'd have another. By the time the new baby arrives the age gap will be big, and it will be a long time until they have anything much in common. Almost dying during pregnancy/childbirth is a deal breaker for me too.

That said, having a second was the best thing I've done for our family. Dd1 (possible ASD) has learned so much about social interaction, sharing and being loving from having a little sister, and each one adores the other. They're like chalk and cheese and compliment each other perfectly. There's only 2.5 years between them though, so they like a lot of the same things, and are happy to share a bedroom for the foreseeable future.

Not a reason to have another, but by the by I too was haunted by my experience of DC1's birth, and having DC2 emphatically put my demons to rest.

Badwifey - my parents broke up, dad was never around but always ringing promising he would be around and always letting me down. Mum had big MH issues. It's only now as a parent I've realised how crap they were. I was an accident and clearly not very wanted

How old are you?

My DS is now 17 and an only child (I wanted three but for various reasons it didn't happen).
He says he is very happy with his situation as there is more money for him and he will inherit more!
Tbh, I am happy too as although money shouldn't be a deciding factor, children do seem to get more expensive as they grow up (driving lessons, cars, uni fees, help getting on the housing ladder etc. etc.).
I do feel the odd pang of regret, but as DH had a vasectomy when DS was small, there was never any other option for me, which maybe makes things easier.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

My husband husband would have very happily stuck with just one child, which we had previously agreed upon, but when our first son turned 1 I started to want another baby.

To cut a very long story short, it took a lot of convincing but when our son was about 20 months old my DH agreed we could TTC again because I wanted it so much. Providing a sibling for our son was a very big part of why I wanted another baby.

It took 11 months to get pregnant and our second son was born when our first one was 3.5 years old.

In my honest opinion, if doing it for sibling reasons, then I wouldn’t do it. If you already have a 4 year old then it means a 5 year age gap at minimum and I personally think that’s too big an age gap for it to be of any real benefit as the children get older. They won’t share interests or friends as they grow up so their lives won’t really revolve around each other so I doubt they’d be ‘company’ for each other anyway.

My 3.5 year age gap is a pretty big one in my eyes and it’s only because it took so long to get pregnant that the gap isn’t smaller.

I partially made the decision to have another child based on my first born (worried about her being an only child) dd1 is 5 years old dd2 is 5 months and dd1 has not changed one iota since her sister came along. She's kind to dd2 but not really interested, so if that would be your only reason, I wouldn't.

I have found going from 1 to 2 much easier than I expected by the way but ask me again when dd2 is a toddler! 😁

Thanks all. I know I mentioned that I didn’t want my daughter to be lonely, but that’s definately not the main drive of having another. I know quite a few onlys including my partner who was more than happy to be an only. I actually get on better with people who aren’t my age (I’m 32) Say with people 10 years or more older, so I’m thinking even with a close age gap there’s no guarantee that my daughter would have got on with a sibling had I decided sooner. Its actually just selfish reasons - I think I just want another. But the cons are whats stopped me so far...