Debating going from 1-2 children..

[mummytoc]

I’ve already posted this on chat, but thought I would try here...

So I’m asking that age old question... should I go from having 1 to 2 children??? Bear with me as this may be long!!

So to give background, I have an older sister (5 year age gap) and my partner is an only child. Partner was happy being an only and never asked or wanted a sibling. My sister and I don’t really get on, she spent most of her life trying to win our parents affections by making me look stupid, monopolising their time and even now is very jealous and manipulative. Even now when people first meet me, a few months in are shocked I have a sibling as I never mention her.

So I have an only, one 4 yr old daughter who is going to school in September. She’s everything to me, is so funny and although looks like her daddy reminds me a lot of me personality wise we are peas in a pod!!

So she’s got to that age where she’s asking for a sibling and I either don’t reply and say you’re enough for us as hubby and I agreed we were happy being a family of 3.

The thing is, I have a niggling thought in the back of my head about having another one. There are so many cons to having another - we live in a 2 bed house and don’t want to move so it would be a squeeze, the birth ended up almost killing me (hubby was told to prepare to lose me through various complications) I’m in the process of learning to drive and haven’t passed my test yet (planning to in next few months) I had horrendous pnd and had to be prescribed anti depressants for the first year, I don’t want there to be sibling rivalry or favouritism between the two, twins run both sides of the family, and generally it would throw a bomb into our peaceful and happy life at the moment. We were so lucky with childcare, both my parents and inlaws took the brunt of childcare for my daughter before she went to playgroup so I could go back to work part time but I’ve been warned they can’t do that again (inlaws are approaching 70s) which is fair enough.

Being sensible I’d say stick with what we’ve got and appreciate it all but I just wonder whether I’m going to regret it in later life, whether my daughter will be lonely etc sad

Sorry for such the long post it’s something that consumes my thoughts most days and I just feel with the clock ticking (I’m early 30s) I need to make a decision soonish...

Anyone with any advice or insight would be most welcomed!!! and just to add, Partner and I originally wanted 2 but are/were happy with 1 because of the issues we had, so think he wouldn’t mind either way...

The medical issue you had was due to poor monitoring. It’s unlikely to happen again with the second, because your previous big baby will be noted.

Have another baby if YOU (and your dh) want one. Not for your dd.

Have another baby if YOU (and your dh) want one. Not for your dd.

From your OP it doesn't actually sound like you DO really want another.

It sounds more like you're worried you'll regret not having one at some arbitrary point in the future, rather than aching to bring another life into the world.

Parents of single children and the children themselves are happier than those in families with 2+ kids, according to studies.

In my personal experience, having DC2 has been way, WAY harder than I could have imagined, for more reasons than I have the time to go into here. If I hadn't desperately wanted another one I imagine my mental health would not be good. Make sure you are certain it's what you want.

From your OP it doesn't actually sound like you DO really want another.

It sounds more like you're worried you'll regret not having one at some arbitrary point in the future, rather than aching to bring another life into the world.

Parents of single children and the children themselves are happier than those in families with 2+ kids, according to studies.

In my personal experience, having DC2 has been way, WAY harder than I could have imagined, for more reasons than I have the time to go into here. If I hadn't desperately wanted another one I imagine my mental health would not be good. Make sure you are certain it's what you want.

Gosh it's a hard one. Re the birth - you would definitely be offered an ELCS next time round (and I'm fairly sure you're entitled to demand one even if you aren't offered!)

2 bed house would be fine for a while (as long as it's not twins!) - we live in a 4 bed house but my children choose to share.

It's hard to know whether you would suffer from PND again, and I can completely understand your reluctance to throw a bombshell into your very happy family life.

But, but, BUT... my parents both died when I was young and, my goodness, I am glad that I had a brother to help me through. Every hardship that one of us has gone through in our adult lives, the other one has been there to help. And I wouldn't even say we are particularly close, at least not compared to DH and his brothers, or various other sibling sets I know.

AND watching my own children together makes me so grateful that I have 2 (and 3rd on the way, which was a hard decision). They are young (pre-schoolers) but are already each other's champions and number one fans.

I think a PP makes a good point about looking ahead and how do you want your dining table/Christmases etc to look. I think there's a lot to be said for a big family - uncles, aunts, cousins - but perhaps I value a lot because I didn't come from that.

Gosh it's a hard one. Re the birth - you would definitely be offered an ELCS next time round (and I'm fairly sure you're entitled to demand one even if you aren't offered!)

2 bed house would be fine for a while (as long as it's not twins!) - we live in a 4 bed house but my children choose to share.

It's hard to know whether you would suffer from PND again, and I can completely understand your reluctance to throw a bombshell into your very happy family life.

But, but, BUT... my parents both died when I was young and, my goodness, I am glad that I had a brother to help me through. Every hardship that one of us has gone through in our adult lives, the other one has been there to help. And I wouldn't even say we are particularly close, at least not compared to DH and his brothers, or various other sibling sets I know.

AND watching my own children together makes me so grateful that I have 2 (and 3rd on the way, which was a hard decision). They are young (pre-schoolers) but are already each other's champions and number one fans.

I think a PP makes a good point about looking ahead and how do you want your dining table/Christmases etc to look. I think there's a lot to be said for a big family - uncles, aunts, cousins - but perhaps I value a lot because I didn't come from that.

It's a hard one.

You'd get an elective section. I had a similar experience and had a debrief in which they confirmed i could have one. Don't let that worry you too much.

I'm an only child and didn't like it personally. I was desperate for another sibling. Still i agree that your daughter's views shouldn't be a deciding factor.

What does your husband say? the negatives list is long, but isn't it always? Children are hard work, cost a lot and require sacrifices whether its the first, second or third...

I’m one of 6 kids and enjoyed having siblings. I only have 1 so far and am considering a 2nd but will have to make a decision pretty quick given my age.

I actually disagree with people who say the age gap means they won’t be company for each other. I’d consider all my siblings to be close and there’s 15 years between eldest & youngest. My sis is nearest in age to me, 6 years older & she’s undoubtedly my best friend. Granted, we didn’t become super close until I hit my teens and our interests converged a bit more but we always had a lovely relationship.

It doesn't sound like you really want another one and the possible cons based on your past experience really outweigh the pros.

Although being in your early 30's I would think you have a few more years to decide. Age gaps between children don't guarantee they will or won't be close.

Like you, I just wanted another, despite a hideous HG previous pregnancy and traumatic birth. In the end we decided to just go for it when DC1 turned 3. I had another absolutely hideous pregnancy which damn nearly broke me BUT I fought tooth and nail for an ELCS so that my birth experience wouldn't be so awful - and it wasn't!

My DC2 is two weeks old now and I'm a sleep trashed hormonal mess but I'm so so glad that I listened to that tiny voice inside my head.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I suppose at the moment (for me) practically it’s not ideal to have another, but hopefully I’ve got a bit of time to mull it over.

Ah dreamingofkfc that's awful. Xx