I’m going to make your life hell

[Butterflies27]

My ds 14 told me last night he got a break time detention. The details of this were they had a substitute didn’t turn up for first 10 mins have some brief work and then left didn’t come back for rest of lesson. Next time had that class again teacher held 5 back saying they didn’t do enough work. My ds was brought to the front of the class in that detention and told he would fail his GCSEs if he carried on like this and if he took this subject (which he has) next year he would make his life hell!

I’m shocked, by a teacher using their position of power to threaten a child. My ds has had issues at said school in year 7-8 he got bullied quite badly, had his foot broken being stamped on, cover in bruises from being hit etc.

I spoke to school a lot during this time to get them to sort if out and to be fair to them they did. During the process though my son got involved in the wrong gang as they offered protection -would stand up to the bullies, kept him safe.

Bullies got expelled for bad behaviour and things started to improve. Ds is in yr 9 now, this year hasn’t been plain sailing. He’s found the work hard so has either acted the clown, not done his homework.

I went in to the school a few months ago with my ds to see head of year and tutor to try to get ds to try harder. He started doing better no more logs, no more after school detentions, yesterday in the post we received a praise postcard from his tutor about his behaviour.

Comments like this will only make him think what’s the point, which has taken us weeks to get to where we are. Aibu to phone the school and discuss this teachers unprofessional comments? If you would call would you phone the head of year, the teacher direct?

Some may think this is petty which is why I’m asking but if this was said in the work place it would be taken seriously.

My post-16 ds told me that he found one of his subjects really confusing and that he was failing because the teachers were not bothering to help. I went in for a meeting and ended up on the back foot. He hadn't told me that he was missing 3 out of 4 lessons! As his teachers pointed out he didn't have a hope of not being confused when he was missing huge chunks of work. They were pulling their hair out! I realised that he was so anxious about it that he was avoiding it. We sorted it out but it was a lesson to me to read between the lines and to not always take what he said at face value.

You don’t know what DS is like to teach for this teacher. I’m sure the story he told you was completely one-sided and not representative of the facts. I think teachers could stand to be a bit stricter, frankly, and they don’t have a lot of tools at their disposal. It’s important for parents to back up a teacher’s authority rather than undermine them, otherwise the system descends in to chaos.

It’s your son you need to have a chat with not the school. I wouldn’t have a problem with a teacher saying this to my child if they weren’t doing the work.

I don't think he was in a gang of bullies. He was bullied. And the bullies were expelled. That's how I read it

I think you'd be better to wait until he's doing this subject next year and get a better idea of what the teacher is like.

I'd reiterate to your Ds he need to knuckle down and cut out the not doing homework and clowning around.

I'd also send a e-mail to the school seeking reassurance about what was actually said and if they really have concerns about him doing the subject next year. I’d be polite and non accessory – this is what he believes he heard and why your worried about the effect of this on him and motivation. The teacher than then clarify to him directly or raise any concerns they have with you.

Pandora79

During the process though my son got involved in the wrong gang as they offered protection -would stand up to the bullies, kept him safe

It's not petty to be concerned about your son.

The talk from the teacher is very negative and unhelpful. It's also quite old-fashioned, how people used to talk us when we were at school!

I would go in gently and just say it's unhelpful, things are on the up for your son, no more bullying and his work improving, he needs encouragement not threats.

Plus agree with bigKiteFlying 'I'd reiterate to your Ds he need to knuckle down and cut out the not doing homework and clowning around.'

But keep it light, your son has been through a lot. I kind of don't blame him clowning around etc but it's in his best interests to work hard even if there is a bit of clowning.

The best thing you can do for child/young adult is to work with the school.

Talk to your teenager and tell him next year will be hard work and he need to knuckle down (spell out for him what this will look like) and tell him you expect the teachers will be on top of him if he does not do what is expected.

Six weeks into term contact his form tutor and ask them to contact his teacher to find out how he is doing, we do this by asking for a number out of ten for behaviour, effort and homework and then any appropriate comments if necessary. Then discuss the results with your son.

Time and time again as a teacher I have seen parents who run to the defence of their child and not give them any responsibility for their own actions then ask the School for help in yr 11. By then the child has learnt that the parent and School are not working as a team and although progress can be made it is often too late for the teenager to reach their potential.

Isawthelight

Totally missed that bit, even though I read it twice. Thank you

Seriously op, you need to really look at your son here.

If this is what happened? Yes, not acceptable
But I'm not sure of if I believed his version of events...

Example:

"If you continue like that you'll fail your GCSES"

• DS gives some sort of laid-back respond.

"And if you want to take this class next yesr? You either change or it will be hell/your life will be hell"

Has your son professional support? Maybe a therapist?
He went through some very difficult things...

He obviously also needs to do his homework. Is this school the right place for him?

Also, is your son still involved in this gang? What kind of can't is this?

And why isn't be doing his homework?

Traumatic events at school, joined a gang, now having academic issues... It seems to me like he may need more support than he currently has.

Does he have a therapist?

Yanbu.

Just because this man is a teacher doesn't automatically make anything he says/does correct.

There seems to be a very high number of black & white thinkers within teaching, particularly secondary schools who are unable/unwilling to see 'the bigger picture'.

Your son is recovering from a hard time and is struggling within his year. Rather than offering help or any minute moment of understanding this teacher jumps on him with his great big teacher boots and completely demotivates him from taking his class!!

I'd be livid.

No child is perfect, some struggle! Teachers need to be more understanding and empathetic to be able to be good teachers imo. Children still need support at that age.

By all means ask the school what their side is but I'd also see if there was any of his friend present who could say to you what happened.

The complaints process is also very hidden when it comes to schools. Obviously not everything should go to the head teacher, I think there should be an outside route for complaints.

Failing
There is an external complaints - governors or OFSTED.

To complain at such a level without even checking the nature of the discussion would be very silly. Kids lie. That isn’t a comment against OP’s son, it is a statement of fact. They will pick and choose elements of the story as they see fit.

Second i think claiming this guy has no empathy based on one conversation is going way out on a limb. That is an example of black and white thinking.

If it happened exactly as your DS said then the teacher was wrong. However, I would think your DS is probably fudging some details eg teacher could have said 'if you're taking this subject next year, I'll be on top of you all the time to make sure you complete the work.'

I would probably tell your ds that you are sure if he behaves and works well he will be fine if he gets this teacher. If that turned out not to be the case I'd cross that bridge when i came to it

What do you want as a result of this?
The teacher to apologise and never tell off your son again?
The teacher sounds like they haven’t washed their hands of him yet. That’s great.
Your son needs to be spoken to in a way he understands.
It sounds like tough love from the teacher and you would be the best way forward here.

I don’t not see this as black and white as some of the other posters on here, I too have a son who was/is bullied in secondary school and the impact this has had on him is immense to the point he has talked about ending his life. The lure of having a group of kids/gang to have your back and “stop” what is happening would be far more appealing than most posters realise and so you you have to factor this in when commenting.
I do agree that perhaps your son has not perhaps told the whole story or even the tone it was said in as that makes a huge difference, That being said if it is enough to worry him and potentially disrupt him getting back on track then you need to log it. I would request a general talk with his form teacher/head of year to discuss measures going forward to help deal with past bullying issues (counselling) ways to avoid gangs and how to try and start afresh with his school career. In this talk perhaps bring up the worry of his past behaviour being held against him if he is truly committed to a fresh start. No need to name names etc.

id be livid

Jesus really! Sounds to me like ops son may need firm handling now not pussyfooting around.

Class clown is another name for a monumental pain up the arse who disrupts everyone.

My dd went through a seriously traumatic ordeal on the national news. School helped and were fantastic but also in being fantastic they tried to treat the children involved as still needing to achieve and behave.

I think you need to talk to your son and make him understand past is past now it’s time to grow up knuckle down and behave.

I wouldn’t have aby problem with a teacher saying this to one of mine. Good on him. Kids need to know if they piss around the teachers will be all over them for their own good.

I’d email the teacher and copy in the head of year asking for their version of events before making any complaints
They have to reply and respond to email

Some kids (and their parents) can't be reasoned with.

His idea of hell is probably having to sit down & do the bloody work rather than tossing around & disrupting the rest of the class.

Class Clown = Class Arse.....

I don’t not see this as black and white as some of the other posters on here, I too have a son who was/is bullied in secondary school and the impact this has had on him is immense to the point he has talked about ending his life. The lure of having a group of kids/gang to have your back and “stop” what is happening would be far more appealing than most posters realise and so you you have to factor this in when commenting.
I do agree that perhaps your son has not perhaps told the whole story or even the tone it was said in as that makes a huge difference, That being said if it is enough to worry him and potentially disrupt him getting back on track then you need to log it. I would request a general talk with his form teacher/head of year to discuss measures going forward to help deal with past bullying issues (counselling) ways to avoid gangs and how to try and start afresh with his school career. In this talk perhaps bring up the worry of his past behaviour being held against him if he is truly committed to a fresh start. No need to name names etc.

Heatherjayne I'm not sure whether it is intentional but I think language similar to what you have used is what can make teachers defensive. 'Their version of events'. First of all they are an adult, and a professional one. Are all teachers perfect? No. But to start with even if the teacher did say this then they actually may well have a point, particularly as we have no idea of tone at the moment. The teacher is clearly becoming very tired of OP's son acting the 'class clown' which ill, let;s not forget, be significantly impacting on the rest of the class.

'They have to respond to email'. Who has suggested anything about the teacher not being prepared to discuss it?

I just think that there is a lot of 'them and us' around parents and teachers and language like this fuels it.

There are no governors or Ofsted where I am.

@Ruscoex2 I also said in essence what you said.

I'm in genuine disbelief at the posters who are chiming in with spurious nuggets of wisdom in how to get troubled teens to behave in line with a class of robots.
*
"Tell him he needs to knuckle down" "tell him he needs to behave"*

Oh yeah let's all just wave a magic wand shall we!

Yes all children should behave in class but unfortunately many don't because they can't.

A lot of behaviour is driven by emotions and feelings, your son has been massively affected by bullying and is in a group where he feels safe for the first time. Instead of the School understanding why this has happened they simply criticise and demand he 'behaves'

I think teacher training needs to be much more in depth covering a bit of psychology and care as well as how to deliver a class. It's much more that that and it's a big reason why a lot of kids are pushed out and left to fail.