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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he not doing enough

37 replies

effinghell · 28/06/2018 01:09

Mumsnet wisdom needed here.

5 years ago my DH lost his business and as a result our beautiful home, nothing fancy but it was ours (all his own fault) we managed to work through that.
We had to apply for a council home, which I am very grateful we got.
BUT he does the bare minimum, goes to work just to pay the bills, and just enough for a food shop. We have £0 in savings, I work a part time job just so we have enough to clothe the children.
He says I shouldn't go FT as the DC will have to be in childcare but he refuses to get a better paid job, which he is more than capable of doing.
The furniture is starting to fall apart, and rooms are in dire need of redecorating but he doesn't seem to care.
I hate to be ungrateful because I know there are so many people out there that are worse off by miles but AIBU to want to be able to live in a house I'm proud of and not have to watch every single penny?

OP posts:
onceisawabee · 28/06/2018 01:41

Maybe he is still a little deflated about losing the business and family home...

Are the DCs old enough for school?

Arum51 · 28/06/2018 01:51

I would imagine that losing his business was a massively traumatic event for him. I appreciate that it was for you too, but you weren't the one who screwed up so badly. He was. His confidence will have taken a real kicking.

Are you sure that you're claiming all the benefits that you're entitled to? You could also look at out-of-hours work. When my kids were little, I worked part time, but also did a couple of shifts a week in a bingo hall in the evenings/weekends. Loved it, one of the best jobs I've ever had Grin

No, you're not unreasonable to want a nice home.

Original poster
effinghell · 28/06/2018 08:15

Thank you for replying 2 of the DC are school age. DH works evening/night shifts so out of hours wouldn't work for us, My family work FT and his family always have an excuse when I ask for help with childcare.

Every so often he will get a crazy idea into his head about something that will '100% work' he saves, begs and borrows money towards it but he is only doing it half-heartedly. And he gives up after a while and then we're even worse off than before because he gets us into debt.

I feel like he's dragging me down into his pit, it's not just financially. He's always putting a dampener on everything and generally a very moody person to be around.

OP posts:
Arum51 · 28/06/2018 15:15

It sounds like this is about way more than just the house. It's about the sort of life you want for yourself, the sort of relationship you want.

How long before the youngest is school age? Then look at going full time, whether he likes it or not.

Have you spoken to him about this? You need to let him know that you are becoming more and more unhappy with the way things are going.

HeddaGarbled · 28/06/2018 15:32

Do you want to work full time? I don't think it's his place to rule it out under the circumstances.

Original poster
effinghell · 28/06/2018 17:13

I'd hate to have to go full time before the youngest starts school. She has just turned one. But I don't see any other way at the moment.

It just seems like DH cannot be bothered any more, he lacks motivation and enthusiasm for anything. He doesn't want to join us when we go out to the park on the weekend, on his nights off he sleeps when the kids do, therefore we don't spend anytime together. But on the nights he works, he will come home and watch tv right until I need to get up with the DC. That's when he goes up to bed.

OP posts:
onceisawabee · 28/06/2018 18:11

Maybe he should speak to a gp? He may be dealing with depression

Original poster
effinghell · 28/06/2018 18:25

@onceisawabee I suggested seeing the gp but he is adamant he doesn't need to. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Arum51 · 28/06/2018 18:44

I'm sorry, but what you're describing is "avoidance". It's a symptom of depression, but can also be about other things. There is something going on with him, he is isolating himself from you and the kids, slogging through his days and generally not coping.

Something is wrong. You need to get him to emerge from his shell for an hour, and actually talk to you about what's in his head.

Original poster
effinghell · 28/06/2018 19:27

@Arum51 I just cannot get him to talk. If I say 'we need to talk' he will find a million things to do rather than talk.

I've tried talking to him, I've encouraged him to speak to a professional, I've tried to include him in things that he'd enjoy. He doesn't seem bothered anymore. At least not with me.

OP posts:
onceisawabee · 28/06/2018 19:48

Can you find someone to watch the children one afternoon you are both off and go for a walk? The fresh air and break in routine may do him some good and it will give you an opportunity to have a deep chat away from the everyday stresses?

If he really won't talk you may have to think about whether you want to end things

Original poster
effinghell · 29/06/2018 11:03

UPDATE- I woke up earlier than usual this morning to see if he will talk. Came downstairs and saw DH try to hide a phone, this is a secret phone I knew nothing about. Asked him about it and he told me I'm being paranoid.

OP posts:
Haberpop · 29/06/2018 11:08

I guess he has another woman then? I'd ask him to be honest about the phone or pack his bags, choice is his.

Was he like this before the business failed? I went through similar with my ex, he lost a business and we lost everything. Ended up in a series of rentals with him only willing to do the bare minimum of hours while I worked two/three jobs to keep the family afloat, in the end it drive the final nail into our relationship and I have since walked away because I wanted more from life.

Original poster
effinghell · 29/06/2018 11:50

I've said nothing for now. My mum is coming over to pick up my youngest DCs, I'm going to confront him then.

How was it when you left @Haberpop? are things better for you now?

OP posts:
boboboobs1 · 29/06/2018 11:59

Clearly losing his business will have had a big effect on him, however what he is doing now would personally make me consider the relationship. If I/my family needed money I would do everything I could, whether that be 2 jobs, working at night etc. Now I’m not saying this is the right thing but it’s how I would deal with the problem therefore I would always expect my partner to do the same.

Original poster
effinghell · 29/06/2018 12:03

@boboboobs1 I assumed he would either get a better paid job or work 2 jobs but I don't know what is going through his mind.

I can't remember when I last took the DC to the cinema or bowling. Some weeks I'm barely able to put fuel in the car. Somethings got to change.

OP posts:
Discotits · 29/06/2018 12:06

Do you think you could cope financially without him?

Haberpop · 29/06/2018 12:13

I remember a Christmas when the kids were small that reduced me to tears because I couldn't even afford a tin of Quality Street much less presents for the children. Things are much better now, walking out was hard and I took nothing with me other than the few possessions I could shove into a case, some clothes and my car, somewhere there is a document that was drawn up when we bought our first house that states if we were to split he would repay half the £20k I brought into the relationship + interest but I have zero hope of ever seeing that money and, to be honest, if it came to half the money or my freedom I would pick freedom. There were other mitigating circumstances that led to me finally leaving and I will never be in a position to own a house again but I am happy. I met a man who treats me as an equal, has similar ambitions to me and makes me happy and that is priceless.

Original poster
effinghell · 29/06/2018 12:13

@Discotits probably not. I'd have to work FT and pay for dcs childcare. I would get a pittance from him in CM.

I'm torn, being around him makes me miserable. His awful moods are contagious.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 29/06/2018 12:36

Sorry effing, other woman 90 per cent. It may be better for you if he has someone else lined up. Stick a ribbon on him, hand him over and make the life you want without him. Lots of luck, you'll feel better sooner than you think.

Storm4star · 29/06/2018 12:36

I'm a bit confused OP. You said you saw a secret phone but he's trying to fob you off as being paranoid?? What did he say it's for?

Before reading that, I was going to join with other's saying he's probably depressed but a secret phone can really only mean one thing.

So, in conclusion, you have a man who really isn't providing well financially. He has nothing much to do with you and the DCs. He's grumpy all the time. And now he's probably cheating too. I'm not one to encourage people to ltb, especially where young kids are involved, but he really isn't bringing anything to the table.

You will probably find you are better off financially with him gone. You'll get some housing benefit most likely, tax credits, that kind of thing. If you want to find out for sure, citizens advice are good at that stuff. They can help you with all the calculations. They can also do it based on working both part time and full time so you can see the difference etc.

Discotits · 29/06/2018 12:47

Investigate your financial options, it might be better going alone.

Sproutpie · 29/06/2018 13:31

He doesn’t care to make you happy. He contributes nothing. He has secrets. What’s in the relationship for you.
Ask yourself the tough questions and give yourself the honest answers.

NapQueen · 29/06/2018 13:36

Could he be gambling?

gingergenius · 29/06/2018 13:50

Hope it's not what you fear op x

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