Or is he not doing enough

[effinghell]

Mumsnet wisdom needed here.

5 years ago my DH lost his business and as a result our beautiful home, nothing fancy but it was ours (all his own fault) we managed to work through that.
We had to apply for a council home, which I am very grateful we got.
BUT he does the bare minimum, goes to work just to pay the bills, and just enough for a food shop. We have £0 in savings, I work a part time job just so we have enough to clothe the children.
He says I shouldn't go FT as the DC will have to be in childcare but he refuses to get a better paid job, which he is more than capable of doing.
The furniture is starting to fall apart, and rooms are in dire need of redecorating but he doesn't seem to care.
I hate to be ungrateful because I know there are so many people out there that are worse off by miles but AIBU to want to be able to live in a house I'm proud of and not have to watch every single penny?

OP sometimes in life we have to make hard choices, and I feel moving forward you will have to make some. However I would get your ducks in a row before making any decisions, Secrets are dangerous and devastating sometimes, but you need to know what is going on, so maybe going ninja is the best option here.

@Storm4star I definitely saw the phone, we have clear glass panels in the door and as I got to the door I saw it. He said I'm paranoid.

@NapQueen gambling is what cost him the house and business, we're talking thousands of pounds a week. He doesn't have the money for it anymore.

I asked to see the phone or gave him the option of leaving, he eventually gave me the phone, everything has been deleted and I suspect restored back to factory settings. He says it's a work phone and he didn't tell me because I would put 2+2 together and make 5. I don't believe him one bit. I have nothing concrete but I suspect the worst. Little things are starting to add up now. I don't know what my next move is.

You can ask him to leave without proof of anything. Not being able to trust him is enough.

Oh, I'm so sorry @effinghell . Could be an OW, but I'd say probably gambling again. Not the thousands as before (although could he have been getting payday loans, etc?) but more than he/you can afford. He's off the wagon, or he's met someone

Solicitor time.

I’ve both made and lost money running my own businesses, it’s terrifying. I can completely understand why he’s lost his confidence and drive.

Oh sorry missed the bit about gambling addiction above

Oh effing theres no way you will win with a gambler. Youd better save yourself and what you have while you still can. Im very sorry.

If it was a work phone he would have shown it to you the day he got it. I have a work phone and actually give my family that number for emergencies in case they can’t get through on my normal number. But you know he’s lying about that.

It seems the two options are gambling or another woman. To me, both are equally bad. I have seen families utterly destroyed by gambling. This may sound over cautious or paranoid, but check he hasn’t got any loans or credit out in your name. This seems a common tactic with gamblers.

You’re in such a difficult situation as you’re waiting for that “proof” of something. But this is a man that secret phone aside, isn’t bringing anything positive to your life. He’s draining you, financially, mentally and emotionally. I think you should get some advice and support for you. Then think about whether you want to continue like this.

How do I go about checking if he has loans in my name?

I've not seen him much so far this weekend, kids have had friends b'day parties to go to and I arranged to go to a friends house for dinner.

You need to get hold of the bill for this phone. It will show you whether it's been used for messaging or gambling. Either way, leave asap and get your finances separated PDQ.

@effinghell

Get a check on yourself with a credit reference agency, like experian or similar. That should give you a full report on all of your credit cards, loans etc.

Ok so no loans in my name, I've logged into his online banking and no sign of a gang gambling, which can only mean one thing!