materialism, being 'cool' -when does it end??

[fuckthisnoise]

So DS and one other girl are the only dc in Year 6 not to have a mobile.

All the other dc have a mobile, all iPhones, from 5 to X.

He also doesn't have Adidas Mariachis or however you spell them.

He also doesn't play fucking Fortnite.

Reading is not cool. Being clever is not cool.

I hate all this.

Who are these parents buying their 11yo dc Lacoste T-shirts and iPhone Xs?

DS is being mocked and bullied because he doesn't have those things.

Well. Mariachis are fugly and expensive.
Fortnite is addictive.
He prefers playing outside.
He doesn't need a phone as his school is 5 mins from home. He'll get one this summer.

But. When did kids get so materialistic? They're all like sheep, wantng the same things and nobody wanting to break free of the crowd. You've go to have all the right 'stuff' to fit in.

Ds has told me he's not 'cool' and he's fine with that. Well, he's a bloody nice kid and it's better to be nice than cool (which seems to be a synonym for 'mean and bitchy').

Anyone else find this?

And being clever isn't cool but sadly that's come from the teacher.

What?

it's always been like this at this age. When I was at school it was kickers and those Adidas tracksuit bottoms with 3 stripes. I didn't have either.

Does your DS go to a school in a particularly wealthy area? I am surprised they all have iPhones and not just parents hand me downs at this age. I have no idea why people buy their kids these phones as a secondary teacher its so annoying. we get emails weekly with "so and so has lost their iPhone please let us know if you find it" I once taught a boy who nicked phones and sold them on to people out of school. This was hearsay but I am sure it was true.

Our kid is 13 and she has a smartphone - but not an iPhone. She got it just before she turned 12. Our practice has been for Hubby to buy me a new phone for my birthday each year, which is about a month before DSD's. Hubby then gets my old phone and she gets his phone (not as a birthday gift, though, just to replace her old one; we give her something else for her birthday because a second-hand phone isn't much of a gift). She doesn't have designer clothes. I have told her that I'm not the kind of person who buys a shirt just because it says "Tommy" or "LaCoste" on it when you can buy a reasonably decent shirt at Wal-Mart for much cheaper and the quality is reasonably comparable. In fact she has never asked for designer clothes.

The kids in my dds class are all like this (Ted Baker bags - fake I'm assuming!), Kickers shoes and are obsessed with money and brands. DD has no interest whatsoever and refuses to wear anything like that on principle. She has been socially outcast though :( But I don't think that's just down to the label thing. We can afford all this stuff but I'm not going to try and get her to partake when she doesn't want to just so she is liked. She is her own person and good for her for not following the crowd. Watching her struggle to make friends is so hard though :(

I remember the labels thing being big when I was at primary in the 80's and again in the mid 90's when the grunge thing was starting to die out. I think it's just the way kids are - they are insecure so try to find a way to be better than everyone else or they want to fit in so copy everyone else.

No, not at all like that with my 11 year old, none of his friends have phones, let alone iPhone Xs! he doesn't even know about brands, nor do his friends

Mine do have iPads and computers, as well as an Xbox, but they and their friends are (mostly, with one boy being the exception) not allowed Fortnite, mainly because of shooting people. Most of them read and are not ashamed of being interested in science, learning etc.

We live in a very wealthy area, but it is also very diverse, not sure if that makes a difference? I guess we are just lucky we are surrounded by like-minded parents, I do worry it will change once they are in secondary school!

I don't agree it's the way kids are. I think it depends on the school demographics.

I wish you lot were parents at ds’s school!

We have tried to keep a balance between not spending a fortune on ds, while ensuring he has nice trainers, hoodys, nerf guns, toys... but other parents must think differently. Fuck.

We are in the Home Counties. White MC area. But don’t think many parents are rich, by any means.

Being clever isn't cool but sadly that's come from the teacher

What do you mean, Plank?

It has always been like this. It's not a new thing.

I do think you have to meet down the middle. Don't be oppositional for the sake of it. He doesn't need everything, nor does he need the best of everything, but your OP makes it sound like you've made a point not to buy any of the "cool" stuff.

Unfortunately, having a phone is not just about being 'cool', it's about social communication. I think you should reconsider (no need to get an iPhone X though, and YANBU about the other stuff!).

Don't worry those kids will one day work for yours. Clever kids most likely end up on top

RedDwarves, not at all - didn’t you see my posts about what ds does have?!

Tbh he spends enough time on iPad and tv that he doesn’t need Fortnite.

He will be getting a phone before the end of term, so he can arrange to meet friends in the summer hols.

But there have been so many problems with online bullying at his school in his year, that’s why I have been reluctant to get him one. Plus, he doesn’t need one... but I can see it will be good for socialising, so we’ll get him one.

is it more likely to happen at schools dominated by one ethnic group, maybe?

OP, won't make you feel any better but my DS, also year 6, is exactly the same as yours. He's not bothered about a lot of the material stuff, brands etc just pass him by and would rather climb trees, make dens and play with cars and trains and read. He has a basic Nokia phone which he loves for the novelty of phoning family on 'his' phone but which the other kids take the piss out of course. He is friendly and outgoing but unpopular at school, we're assuming its because he is not "a typical year 6 boy" (quote from his teacher). We just tell him its better to not be the same as everybody else and the people who achieve amazing things in the world are often the different ones. But its hard not to feel sad about it. Kids these days (and all of us) have so much emphasis on 'stuff' yet its not making for happier people - if anyhting the opposite if the media stories about mental health in young people are accurate.

I feel it was like this when I grew up in the 90s..all the rage were spice girls platform trainers(!), sega megadrives, football stickers, hi fi systems and CDs..the kids that didn’t have any of those things were ‘uncool’ which was terrible as it was usually because they were from low income families.

Unfortunately kids are shallow in this sense, and I guess they are very much pushed into it as advertisers cater to them and know how to appeal and make X the hot new craze. I also think as kids don’t really know who they are yet they can sometimes see material things as a way to define themselves, their status and feel confident - it’s not until they get older and develop interests and feel better in their own skin that they realise they don’t need to be define by their stuff (or at least most do!)

I’m not sure what the answer is. It’s a tricky one.

My children don't have mobiles. My elder dd isn't cool and doesn't care about being cool. She actually prefers spending time and money on her own interests and i really hope this continues into secondary school. She will get a basic phone for yr 7 but she won't be old enough for what's app; this is how the year 6 kids at her school communicate, not always kindly and without hostilities!

I think social class can influence it. I find the lower middle class and better off working class seem to be into brands and having lots of stuff.

I live in a very working class area and if you want to learn and do well you’re ostracised and have a tough time of it. There’s not so much focus on having stuff, but heaven help you if you don’t fit into the very strict social norms of the area.

I was late primary/early secondary in the early 90s. To be honest it was the same back then, just different stuff as it was the pre digital era, but Naf Naf jackets, Doc Martens or deck shoes and X-Worx jeans were the 'in' things to have.
I have family in Ireland and in recent years it used to be a case of when a child got confirmation (generally aged 12) they bought themselves a mobile from the money they got. Now, just a few years down the line they're buying them when they get their communion (aged 8) which is just insane. No 8 year old NEEDS a mobile.

"Who are these parents buying their 11yo dc Lacoste T-shirts and iPhone Xs?"

I used to kit my DD out in Lacoste, in the early 00's. She has SN and needed to wear practical clothes. Lacoste was all the rage, so it gave her a bit of Street Cred, because she was different enough.

I know Parents who won't spend over a certain amount on stuff purely on a matter of principle and I've never quite understood it, tbh.

It's great if your child isn't bothered by it, but for those that are, I think there should be a compromise.

One of my DD's just wanted Hunters and Uggs for Birthdays/Christmas, it was within her budget, so that's what she got. I used to give my DD's a portion of the household income and they got to decide what it was spent on.

"Don't worry those kids will one day work for yours. Clever kids most likely end up on top"

Well that's part of the double edged sword. Thinking that someone will have a better life based on how much they earn.

I think so many kids have mobiles because people don't have house phones anymore and they aren't allowed to roam the distance that we used to, so it's the only way of communicating.

theWarOnPeace, I think they ask them to do homework on a Tablet, just to get them working on one. I bought my GC a tablet for Christmas, just as she turned three. She still does all the things yours does. It's quite easy to have a balance.

Unfortunately this isn't a new thing, kids have always wanted the same as "everyone else" it is a sad fact of life. I still feel like I'm not good enough now because I don't have the right stuff, bigger house, better car etc. It makes me really sad because I know as an adult I should know better but now I don't just want these things to be the same as other people I want them because I don't feel as though I'm giving my kids the best and what they deserve. My oldest son has a few friends who's parents are pretty well off, a few times he has come home and told me they have said things about him being poor, (we are not poor) one actually told him he had a better life than him. It breaks my heart. He doesn't seem to care but I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. We are not poor as such, we have a good car, live in a small modest house and go on holiday and my kids have everything they want and need so what more is it I need to be doing? We both work bloody hard and we are still young. Is it now at the point where kids don't just worry about having the best trainers or games but if you don't live in a house with 5 bedrooms and have at least 2 cars, one of which has to be a range rover, then we are poor? Is this really what kods have to worry about how?

You could have said all that 50 years ago.

What is the big deal? This is the world we live in. If you separate your DC from it you will destroy their lives. Grow a pair and start parenting in the 21st Century.

Yeah, I agree this isn't a new thing. It was the same for me at that age in the early 90s. Everyone had to have a specific brand of school shoes and specific trainers too.

Back then it was cool to wear sports brands (anyone remember Kappa? lol). I think more than materialism it's a desire to fit in at an age where everything is changing rapidly and you don't want to stand out. I remember 11-14 or so being the worst age. After that I started caring less.

It's almost end of term now... why not get phone now.

I think there has always been the latest 'in thing' that kids are into. However the prices of the big ticket items these days are eye watering. I am certainly in the 'no way' camp. Your child seems grounded and philosophical about it all and its natural to stand in your child's corner but be careful of being smug. It's great that your child reads and goes out but its hardly fair to assume because a child has a phone and fancy trainers they are not clever and sheep like.

As other posters have said, this definitely isn't a new phenomenon and I remember in the 90s that there was loads of stuff that was highly coveted amongst my friends.

I think it's helpful to view this as a stage of development. Older kids and youngish teens are most susceptible to wanting to follow the crowd and fit in. Of course as an adult you know better and can see that the whole thing is based on crude materialism, but from the child's perspective the need to own the items fulfils a deep need to be accepted and seen as equivalent to their peers. I remember this stage well and how awful it felt when you were the odd one out and didn't have the "must have" item that all your friends had. Parents taking a principled stance against brands need to think long and hard about the impact that this will have on their DC. You as an adult may well have the perspective and confidence to be able to stand out from the crowd and withstand any cruel comments but do your children? Now I'm grown up I definitely don't conform to the norm and literally couldn't care less what people think of me, but I'm so glad my parents (who are the least materialistic and brand conscious people in the world) made concessions to my desire to fit in during my formative years as they understood how important it was to me.

Basically what I'm saying is don't assume that you are creating some materialistic monster by buying your DC some of the things that are coveted to help them conform. Chances are they were grow past this stage relatively quickly anyway and will soon be keen to forge their own identities as older teens and young adults.

My ds is in y8 and has no phone. No one cares. I think it only matters if it matters to you.