To want to escalate this?

[rosesandflowers1]

Prepared to be told that I'm BU as I'm very emotionally invested in this and sorry for the essay in advance

When DD1 was at primary, she had a problem right from the beginning with a particular girl. Just silly things like "I don't like [DD]'s hair today" or saying she couldn't play with them. It was very childish and silly but they were children and it was impacting DD quite a lot so eventually we had a word with the school. They had a whole class discussion about being nice with each other and promised to keep a better eye on DD, especially when interacting with this girl, which satisfied us then.

A couple of weeks later DD told us that her teacher (who had kept her promise) had witnessed a nasty comment and reprimanded the girl. From then on DD didn't complain to us anymore and we assumed (very wrongly) that it had just taken a sharp word to sort the girl out. DH and I know now that this was very naïve, please don't flame me for our past handling of this because I want to focus on what's currently going on.

What essentially happened is the girl became very sneaky in the way that she would make these comments, and make them privately to DD when teachers and other classmates wouldn't hear them. She also repeatedly told DD, "nobody likes a tell-tale" etc. as well as other people in the class, which created a culture within their year group as hating "snitching". It caused problems for other students as well but mainly DD, who was very anxious/sensitive and so stopped telling us when the girl made remarks. She also did things like conditionally allowing DD to sit or play with her, based on her "behaviour" that day, so DD was desperate for her approval.

Over the years these comments escalated massively from nasty to absolutely vile. They brought me to tears the first time I heard them. DD went through a period of anxiety, paranoia and just self-hatred over Years 4 & 5, and part of Year 6, but wouldn't tell us where it wasn't coming from. Then one day a boy overheard her talking to my DD. He was upset by the comments and told his father, who reported it to the school and they "investigated further" but not much was done. Until this girl's mother marched up to my DD in the playground and very loudly asked her "why are you making up lies about [her daughter]?" DD said she wasn't telling lies, not even assertively, it was more like a plead, and then the mother began screaming and raging, shouting abuse. She actually looked unhinged. My very anxious and sensitive DD burst into tears and after that the school took it much more seriously.

It turned out that as well as the absolutely vile remarks (which I still don't know where she got, they were repulsive), the girl was doing things like ruining DD's clothes and hiding her things in the classroom. This was about four weeks before the end of term before it came to light, so while the school kept them separated and monitored (and made the girl apologise ), not much was done as they were leaving, to different schools. DD hasn't had contact with this girl since but it still took her years and counselling sessions at her new school to be open about her emotions and say when something bothered her. Her anxiety/paranoia lessened some years ago but has got worse Year 11.

A week ago this girl sent a friend request on Instagram. Neither DH nor I were happy about this at all, but DD looked very happy with it. It just reminded me of little her overjoyed that she was allowing DD to play with her today But DD very much wanted to do it - said they hadn't had any contact in 5 years, it was just seeing each others photos, she wanted to put it behind her etc. etc. We agreed but on the condition that DD told us anything that happened and if it began making her anxious/uncomfortable she was to block the girl straight away.

Two days ago DD posted a photo and the girl commented "hmm." DD immediately became very anxious about it, and eventually took the photo down because it upset her so much. DH and I said she was to block the girl and DD agreed it would be best for her.

This evening a girl that was in their class sent DD a screenshot. A girl had posted a silly mugshot of herself and the girl had commented "you look like [DD]". Another friend that DD used to school with commented that it was unkind, which helped a little, but DD was still horrendously upset She hates the idea of this girl making comments about her and is worried it means people won't like her anymore! She talks to literally the one girl who defended her, but is still upset at the thought that they wouldn't like her. It's awful and I don't want this nightmare back in our lives.

DH says DD should make it clear to the friend that DD doesn't want or need any more screenshots, and DD needs some help (possibly professional) at literally just forgetting this nasty girl. We had a nice spa day together to take her mind off of it, DH made her favourite dinner for tea and now she's watching a bit of TV with DS before bed. She seems a lot happier but the more I think about it I want some actual action taken. I'm just so upset on her behalf and don't want this to escalate again.

AIBU to want to do more than simply remove this girl from DD's life? I don't want to make it into something bigger than it is and stress DD out, and I don't know what we could even do. I'm not sure if I'm just out for petty revenge or punishment for this girl because at this point I've lost any objectivity, but the more I think about it the more I want something more to be done.

I'm possibly in the minority here but how about you just ignore the whole thing as breezily as possible?

Like "Is that numbnut posting nasty shit again? Block the numbnut. Don't let her into your head"

The minute anyone starts taking a nasty piece of work seriously - we are all undone.

One of DD's friends started taking a bully seriously. Trust me we had no end of rubbish about this. DD was actually praised for being supportive but the whole thing escalated to the beyond ridiculous. The victim's parents did her no favours imho - we were all dragged into the school and stuff - which immediately made everything worse for her. And really you just have to ignore shit like this and not allow it into your head

The bullied victim has had years of counselling and years of therapy. Her head is totally shaven now. She looks very thin and very unhappy and has dropped out of her university course.

I know we are all taught to deplore the behaviour and not the person. But if this behaviour is caught early and the victim is equipped with the strength to just ignore this person, everything might end better.

I think it's clear the bully is jealous of your dd. That is usually the reason bullies target people. I'm one of those people who seems to be targeted by bullies. I don't think it will help anyone for you to focus on what the bully is saying about your dd online. By caring you, are giving the bully the power. You really do need to ignore this person & show your dd that the bully's opinions do not and never have, mattered. In the long term your dd will go on to bigger & better things & the bully will not. Tell your dd that this will happen, boost her & show her the fantastic future she has ahead of her. In time your dd will see her achievements & will see how she has surpassed the bully & that is when the healing will begin.

I agree with thesearepearls. I was subjected to years of bullying through all 8 years of school. My mum taught me to ignore them and rise above it. The bullying didn't stop but my ressilliance to the comments increased. I am now known as a very resilient member of my team at work.

I was encouraged to pursue my interests and basically put my finger up to the cocksuckers and realise that they clearly have no fulfilment in their own lives to try and take mine.

I now live next door to one of the bullies. I was on edge to begin with until I realised we had both grown and it was in the past.

I would recommend counselling. I had it for work purposes but helped me deal with some of the underlying issues from the bullying and another thing that happened.

Also some books I found really helpful is a collection called "don't sweat the small stuff" I found them incredibly useful with lots of helpful tips to move past the horrid shit that happens daily. I still suffer with a bit of anxiety and depression now but remembering the techniques and discussions in counselling I can deal with it.

There is no quick fix for the emotional scars but it can be made easier to deal with.

@Thesearepearls, I get what you're saying, but there is something absolutely terrifying about realising that someone is gunning for you - deliberately trying to humiliate you in front of your peers and completely take you apart.

It's a shocking thing - like, if I don't like someone I might have a bitch about them to my DH or a close friend, but to do as above would just never occur to me - like, why? What the fuck? And YES that person is clearly a terrible human being, but when you're the target, it's bloody terrifying, because at worst loads of other fuckers join in like a bunch of pack animals, or at best you get very isolated very quickly as former friends and observers back right away from you, not wanting to draw fire on themselves from the bully, who has proved themselves vicious and dangerous.

Regular humiliation in front of your peers bruises the hell out of your self worth and yes op's right it can become a cycle if unattended. You're right that resilience is what op's daughter needs to develop, but I'd be concerned the breezy option could be quite minimising. I'd go for 1) cutting off any contact with this cow 2) some therapy 3) incorporating breezy insults to cowbag as part of regular family life 4) non-therapy things that will help op's daughter rebuild her confidence.

That's what we originally taught DD - sort of "rising above" with breezy comments - in the earlier years of primary school when it was very minor. DD was good at this but when the comments got worse it hardly helped at all, not to mention she was being "breezy" with us and downplaying/minimising incidents if she told us they happened at all.

However, I do think that these comments haven't reached near that level. I think taking a less serious attitude to the bully would be better, but still with counselling for DD. Then she can work through it and, if it escalates, will hopefully feel comfortable telling us.

I'm not going to take her off social media. There will most likely be quite some backlash which nobody in the house really needs at the moment, but more importantly I actually like social media and it has really boosted DD's confidence in many ways. I will be ensuring that she blocks the girl on every account she has though.

Block the girl. It was insanely stupid to add her in the first place! Tell your daughter to ignore her from here on in. Full stop

You've probably already done this, but I'd rehearse with her a stock response to anyone who passes on screenshots or nasty comments. Maybe a puzzled look and "Why would you tell me that?".

You've probably already done this, but I'd rehearse with her a stock response to anyone who passes on screenshots or nasty comments. Maybe a puzzled look and "Why would you tell me that?".

The girl who sent the screenshot is hardly close to DD, she hasn't actually spoken to her since Year 6. I can't help but wonder if it was sent to disrupt.

We taught DD some phrases to counter directly nasty comments but not much with people that might enable the bullying. Its something we could do - thanks.

It was insanely stupid to add her in the first place!

Oh God, I know - I had such a bad feeling about it but I didn't want to make it sound like this girls past actions should still have a lot of influence on DD's life.

She really wanted to accept it as a way of kind of burying the hatchet and putting the past behind her, but I think that's too kind of an outlook when dealing with people like this.

I cannot stand bullies. I was bullied at school 20 years ago (but not to this extent and in the days before social media) but it really affected my confidence. To my horror, about five years ago one of the girls friend requested me on Facebook and I rejected it. She did this many times but finally got the hint that I wasn’t going to accept it.
I appreciate that we’ve all grown up since school but there was no way I wanted any reminder of that awful person. I really hope your daughter can move past this. I think coming off social media may help a bit (if you can get her to agree).

Does your daughter like this girl? Does she want this girl as a friend? I hope the answer to both of these is 'no'.
It's very easy to forget as we get older, how important teenage friendships or rivalries are. I find now I am over 50 that this kind of thing is water off a duck's back but when I was 16 it would have wounded me deeply. But being a duck is easier if you can realise that you don't want to bother with that person any longer.

Does your daughter like this girl? Does she want this girl as a friend? I hope the answer to both of these is 'no'.

She definitely doesn't like her. But I think on some level she wants to be her friend

I think she should confront her publicly. Next time she makes a nasty comment on something DD should reply:

“Why are you constantly making such nasty remarks towards me when I’ve only ever tried to be friendly to you? This isn’t okay behaviour and you need to learn to treat people with respect unless you want to be seen as a bully”.

The girl needs confronting but as she has only made one unkind comment it's likely that she'll reply "it's just banter" or something similar and honestly it'll look like it was.

I'm not sure DD is at that stage, yet, either.

We talked to her about it. She was upset at first, but has agreed to go to the counselling and seems happy with it after a discussion with DH and I. I think I'll leave it here for now and just pray this girl doesn't take it any further.

Quick update in case anybody's interested -

We've got counselling for DD, and the girl's been blocked on all social media as well as the girl who sent her the screenshot. Just to see, I had a chat with a lovely policewoman, just to ensure I and DD knew what to do should something arise.

She seems to be much happier and I think blocking them made her feel better internally as well! Thank you for all your advice and for keeping me from flying off the handle

Hope it's all working out well op and that your dd is going to the counselling x

Thank you

That's good to hear. I was bullied in secondary school by a couple of girls who used to follow me around and call me names. My dad then died and I eventually told my mum and the school put a stop to it. Then I have friendship issues and one of my friends started excluding me. I had a bit of a breakdown and went to counselling when I was 15. It was the best thing. The difference in me from when I started counselling to finishing with it about 6 months later was immense. All of this was pre social media but I am 'friends' with my 'friend' on Facebook and that's as far as it goes. 20 years on she has no power any more. Good luck to your DD x

Thank you as well Her first session is booked for this weekend and she's feeling very happy and positive about it x

A wider thanks as well, for all the advice

Nasty... vile... bitch... fucker"? Really? We are talking about a 16 yo girl here. Her behaviour may be foul, and it is, but we have no idea what is going on in her life and we are adults.

The girl is 16, not 5. If you don't believe 16 year olds can be bona fide bitches then you're lucky with the ones you've met. I was tortured at that age by teenage girls, to the point of self harm and suicidal thoughts. She is old enough to know the harm she is doing. And if she is struggling with difficulties in her own life, that doesn't give her a free pass to target one specific girl and torment her as she has here. She is still responsible for her own behaviour, and that includes facing consequences if she is being a bully.

OP - I would see if your daughter is open to a social media cleanse. See if she'll deactivate her account for a bit to have a break. And I agree that she should ask the nice friend not to share screenshots with her. If there are any further instances that come to your attention keep a record of them, and if they escalate go to the police and the school of the other girl. Keep communication open with your daughter - about self esteem, her control over her own emotions, the artificiality of social media. It sounds like you are doing great and being really supportive of her

Thank you, @henpeckedinchief And I'm sorry to hear about your own bullying struggles.

We did mention it to her but she absolutely won't hear of it SM has been very good for her, as well, so I think we'll keep going with that now that the girl is blocked. It wasn't really a "friend" who shared screenshots with her, but DD has asked, and has agreed to be open about her feelings with DH and I throughout all of this Thank you very much again x