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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable friendship issue. Your thoughts please

38 replies

lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 20:08

Please resolve a dispute if you can possibly:

Friend A: Is splitting up long term dp amicable so far and wants to meet up with friend B alot. They usually meet 4-6 times a year. Solid old friendship. Friend B is married and lives 2 hours away and works. Friend A also works ft both busy with dc but is now free every weekend and would like to see Friend B more often.

Friend B: Clears the diary and Friend A decides to come at the weekend and both tell kids all excited and good.

Friend B: Buys in tons of food, cleans house top to bottom, buys Friend A flowers all checking with Friend A day before all is still good.

Friend A: Texts Friend B later day before to say ex dp's df is coming back to UK as his great aunt is ill.
Friend A then decides to wake up dc in the middle of the night and take them to airport at 2am to collect him, and then to stay up with FIL in to 4am. She then drives FIL to London for FIL to see dying great aunt ( 5 hour round trip). Friend A has met her FIL all of 3 times in 25 years as he lives in Australia. Zero relationship. FIL could have got a taxi or hotel or any number of things he is a fit and wealthy man. Meanwhile ex dp is in Prague apparently 'working' Hmm

Friend B finds out 2 hours before Friend A is due after cooking all morning that friend A is not coming, she is in London now sightseeing and shopping whilst FIL is seeing Great Aunt.

Friend B seems to feel very hurt that she has spent two days preparing special lunch and dinner for Friend A, and Friend A has decided to cancel at the last minute for someone she never sees, and isn't likely to in the future....she felt very hurt Friend A seems entirely indifferent to cancelling last minute with almost no notice (this would not so bad but Friend A unfortunately has had to do this at least four times in the last few months)

Friend A has had enough and can't be bothered anymore, is she wrong or should she be more understanding?

OP posts:
ButDoYouAvocado · 27/06/2018 20:11

Nope not wrong BUT people do crazy things like this after a break up for all sorts of reasons. Don't let it go exactly, but give her a bit more leeway than you would someone who wasn't going through a breakup.

Allsfairinloveamdwar · 27/06/2018 20:12

Assume you mean friend B has had enough? Think it’s time you went back to seeing her a few times a year. Sounds like she takes you for granted and doesn’t value your friendship.

Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 20:13

Yes sorry, Friend B has had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 20:15

Friend B wants to be a good friend, but the last time she cancelled an hour after she was supposed to meet up. Friend B was waiting with kids and picnic for her (again with flowers) Friend B has serious health problems at the moment, it is not easy for her to do any of this, Friend A knows this, but is tuned out a little (not surprising given what is happening)

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 27/06/2018 20:43

Friend B should kick this friendship into touch, A doesn't appear to give a toss.

IMissGin · 27/06/2018 20:46

Friend B should ignore A from now on and be my friend instead. Everyone needs a friend like B and A is taking the piss.

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 20:47

Sounds like Friend B should have kicked A to the kerb long ago.

ChristmasTablecloth · 27/06/2018 20:50

How tedious. You are friend B, yes. Why can't you say so? Who spends 2 days cooking in honour of one old friend who didn't ask for the fuss?

Also, once again, this is very identifying because of all the detail so it will probably be picked up by the Daily Mail. Just to warn you.

zzzzz · 27/06/2018 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 20:59

Your friend behaved very oddly. What did you say wheh she said she was cancelling?

You made a big effort which is lovely but she’s proven to be very flakey and thoughtless by cancelling at short notice in the past so bin her off. If she’s so keen to meet up and has more free time, she can host and put the effort in.

KarmaStar · 27/06/2018 21:03

Kick A into touch OP.

Allaboutalex · 27/06/2018 21:09

I have been friend b, after a heartbreaking year, I have come to the following conclusions I like friend a’s Company, but she and I have different definitions of friendship.

At first I used to just check in regularly before meet ups but she’d be so convincing and then drop me in it. So now when we arrange to meet up I assume it’s not happening until the last minute. I make little to no effort in advance. I check in the day before, and cancel plans if I need to. (My other friends know about her so I’ll tell them she’s due, I may or may not be available) and I’ll organize lunch or dinner on the fly.

Ultimately I enjoy her company so for me it’s very much for the now. And I expect nothing else from her. And for now that suits me. And it’s so selfish but that’s the only way I can maintain a friendship without being let down all the time.

Shumpalumpa · 27/06/2018 21:11

Friend A is BU and should be dumped. Why do you keep going to so much trouble for a flake who values relative strangers over your friendship?

Also, the Friend A and B thing only works if you don't make it obvious who you are of the two.

Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 21:15

Thank you for your replies. I am friend B and did an appalling job with my post ( too hot and too tired)
I am feeling like a supreme mug! But love my friend to bits and thought I would make a real effort for her and the dc.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 27/06/2018 21:16

If I were B, I would be less inclined to make myself available for A in the future. She clearly can't be relied upon, for whatever reason.
That said, I think B's preparations for A coming to visit are a tad OTT (two days to cook a special lunch and dinner?!) and were there to be a next time if I were A I would order in a takeaway. And stop buying flowers.

Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 21:20

She said she had to cancel and ‘be there’ for ex fil. Which would be entirely understandable if it was a close relative to him or her.
She is a nice person and maybe doing a good deed.
Could there any reason you can think of as to why you would do this?
She even called ex dp to tell him, apparently he was very grateful ( gritted my teeth at that part tbh)

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 27/06/2018 21:23

A is not a friend, she is selfish and thoughtless. B is rightly fucked off with A's shitty behaviour and should retire the "friendship" without further thought to it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/06/2018 21:27

Only give what you get back. She gives you little, so give her litte.

You can be supportive without going to so much effort for nothing.

BMW6 · 27/06/2018 21:28

The reading of the will?

MrTrebus · 27/06/2018 21:32

Oh for God sake just say me and my mate luv instead of friend a friend b fecking friend z 🙄 so cryptic when you know of course YANBU she is not a friend don't bother again.

burnoutbabe · 27/06/2018 21:33

She is very rude, friend a, as she knew in advance that she was changing plans but only let you know 2 hours before due. Should have been much earlier.

Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 21:34

The reading of the will might be an incentive if he wasn’t fit as a fiddle and a good 30 years away from worm food, and is steadily working his way through the cash living the high life in Sydney.

I could forgive her more readily if there was a better reason or any reason.

I don’t mind being first priority in her life but I take exception to her gloating about the great shopping in London when I have spent two days trying to arrange a nice time for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 21:35

Not being first priority (confused)

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 21:36

Can’t even get confused right this eve! 😳😂

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 27/06/2018 21:45

As you asked why she might do this - she might just want to maintain a good relationship with her ex in laws for the sake of the children, which is why she felt she had to step in and help. It doesn't sound like she had any choice over the timing of the aunt being ill and ex fil needing to visit, and this man is still her children's grandparent.

It's also worth bearing in mind that she didn't control how invested you got in this visit, she would probably be quite surprised to know you had spent two whole days preparing. I totally understand why you feel hurt and it is justified, but bear in mind that she probably wasn't expecting you to put in quite so much effort.