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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable friendship issue. Your thoughts please

38 replies

lifeisabeachsometimes · 27/06/2018 20:08

Please resolve a dispute if you can possibly:

Friend A: Is splitting up long term dp amicable so far and wants to meet up with friend B alot. They usually meet 4-6 times a year. Solid old friendship. Friend B is married and lives 2 hours away and works. Friend A also works ft both busy with dc but is now free every weekend and would like to see Friend B more often.

Friend B: Clears the diary and Friend A decides to come at the weekend and both tell kids all excited and good.

Friend B: Buys in tons of food, cleans house top to bottom, buys Friend A flowers all checking with Friend A day before all is still good.

Friend A: Texts Friend B later day before to say ex dp's df is coming back to UK as his great aunt is ill.
Friend A then decides to wake up dc in the middle of the night and take them to airport at 2am to collect him, and then to stay up with FIL in to 4am. She then drives FIL to London for FIL to see dying great aunt ( 5 hour round trip). Friend A has met her FIL all of 3 times in 25 years as he lives in Australia. Zero relationship. FIL could have got a taxi or hotel or any number of things he is a fit and wealthy man. Meanwhile ex dp is in Prague apparently 'working'

Friend B finds out 2 hours before Friend A is due after cooking all morning that friend A is not coming, she is in London now sightseeing and shopping whilst FIL is seeing Great Aunt.

Friend B seems to feel very hurt that she has spent two days preparing special lunch and dinner for Friend A, and Friend A has decided to cancel at the last minute for someone she never sees, and isn't likely to in the future....she felt very hurt Friend A seems entirely indifferent to cancelling last minute with almost no notice (this would not so bad but Friend A unfortunately has had to do this at least four times in the last few months)

Friend A has had enough and can't be bothered anymore, is she wrong or should she be more understanding?

OP posts:

Shesaysso · 27/06/2018 21:46

If it’s a solid old friendship then friend B needs to tell friend A how much effort she had gone to and that she was really looking forward to seeing her and that she’s taking the p*. Friend A then may be a bit more considerate in future.

Poptart4 · 27/06/2018 21:46

Does friend A know you go to so much trouble everytime you are supposed to meet up?? Sorry op but your preparations are totally ott. Its nice you want to treat her but shes clearly not expecting it or at least doesn't appreciate it, so stop.

Its not on she keeps cancelling last minute and id be inclined to tell her so but you cant blame her when you've gone unnecessarily over board.

You have 2 choices (1) bin her off or (2) accept shes a flake and stop marking an effort for her. If you make plans expect them to be cancelled and you'll never be disappointed. Dont go out of your way for her and don't put her before other friends who don't always let you down.

I don't think she values your friendship as much as you do.

blacksax · 27/06/2018 21:57

It must be very frustrating, but stop buying flowers when she or someone else visits you. The guest is supposed to buy them for the host, not the other way round.

I don't suppose friend A had any idea how much trouble you had gone to. When someone dies and a relative asks you for help, then you help if you can - which is what she did.

eddielizzard · 27/06/2018 21:59

Well I'd step back for a bit. Get some time into the issue and see how I felt after a while. I wouldn't say or do anything rash. Just sit back.

Fruitcorner123 · 27/06/2018 22:03

i suspect she did it becuase she is trying to win ex back.

just step back a bit from the friendship and make little or no effort for your next meet up.

Hissy · 27/06/2018 22:06

You have nothing to lose by talking honestly to her.

Ruffian · 27/06/2018 22:06

Can't understand why you knocked yourself out like that for an old solid friend - special lunch and dinner, scrubbing the house, buying flowers it's all way too much surely?

mzmum78 · 27/06/2018 23:29

Is this typical behaviour from A ? The reason I ask is could you give her a pass for this one time, despite it being rude and inconsiderate, due to her current situation? If this is something that has happened before then sack her off.
I have been friend B to a friend A and was let down so many many times. Including nights out when i would have got a babysitter and got dressed up ready to go only to be blown out at the last min. I prob gave TOO MANY passes but I think everyone deserves to be shitty on the odd occasion without losing a long term friend forever
Hope that makes sense.
I would also be very clear about how disappointed you are and how much she let you down.

ThePants999 · 27/06/2018 23:39

Why do people bother with this A and B thing in posts when it's always totally obvious which one the OP is anyway?

Tinkety · 28/06/2018 00:00

Could there any reason you can think of as to why you would do this?

So FIL can also spend time with his grandchildren

Friend wants to get back with her ex

Since the split is amicable & she was with her ex for 25 years (a lifetime) maybe she’s just trying to be nice & doing a good deed by stepping in since he’s away working

Maybe she did it as a favour to great aunt? Do they have a good relationship?

As the trip sounds last minute due to great aunt’s deteriorating health, maybe she didn’t think it would upset you so much? Personally I wouldn’t have cancelled on a friend like that but likewise it wouldn’t have occurred to me that a friend would spend two days preparing

Copperbonnet · 28/06/2018 07:31

I would not go to effort to host a friend that regularly cancels st the last minute.

I’d (occasionally) arrange to meet her half way, in a restaurant and either leave or order if she hadn’t arrived within 15 minutes.

The fact that she is going through what is no doubt a difficult time in her life is no excuse for allowing her to treat you like a doormat.

Stop being a doormat. Stop hosting.
Only make arrangements that don’t inconvenience you in any way if she cancels.

You can’t change her behaviour, you can change yours.

Nikephorus · 28/06/2018 07:44

I’d (occasionally) arrange to meet her half way, in a restaurant and either leave or order if she hadn’t arrived within 15 minutes.
This ^^. And I'm the sort of person who would clean and make sure there was decent food in so I totally get that (I'd never think of flowers though!)

Original poster

lifeisabeachsometimes · 28/06/2018 13:59

Thank you for your replies.

I don't normally buy her flowers unless it is her birthday, but as she has had a tough time I wanted for her to feel a little loved and cared for.
Because she was coming for the whole day I prepared things and cooked in advance so I could spend the time talking to her rather than stressing about things burning everything in the oven. All the dc eat different things, and her dd has just turned vegetarian so it needed thought.

I wondered too, whether she was doing this for brownie points with ex dp and now wonder if she does want him back. I don't think she is very open about her relationship with anyone, and it is not my place to directly ask her.

I was so tempted to tell her exactly how I felt! But I really don't want to fall out with her, esp now, so have bitten my lip.

Some time and distance is good advice. And when I see her again, perhaps more on my terms, that way she can't let me down.

OP posts:

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