I know I am wildly unreasonable but how can I stop feeling this way (Stepmother related)

[FlispyCricket]

NC as I am cringing even thinking about this but have been here long time, elderly Korean lady, toilet plate, pom bears.

Background
DD1 (6) with EX
DS2 (4) with current partner

All adults (me, EX, his GF and my DP) are in mid to late 20's.

Have been split from ex for most off DD1s life, he has her EOW is a good Dad (not Disney) and pays his maintenance properly.

He had a long term girlfriend previously who was in DD1s life until they split 2 years ago, she was a bit cool with DD1 never horrible, average and I never had an issue with that.

He has been dating a new (or not so new really now) woman for just over a year, and they moved in together about 3 months ago so now obviously she is now also in DD1s life EOW but DD1 met her about 6 months ago.

All fine, now for where I am being unreasonable. I have hot boiling jealousy over this woman. She has done nothing horrible or wrong, (in fact she is lovely which makes things worse) but every time DD1 comes home after a weekend at her fathers I just want to scream as she wont shut up about "Daddy and girlfriend".

DD1 loves her and she is so sweet and kind, I imagine she gets dressed by birds in the morning, 100% the type of person that doesn't have a bad bone in their body.

She is pretty and always so well put together (from pickups/drop offs and social media stalking shame ) and has a good job and I think this is contributing as I gave up work for DCs and I am not in great shape, not ugly but a bit on the plain side.

On Sunday afternoon DD1 came home with home baked goodies they had all made and decorated together and she has drawn pictures of them at the park and I feel like my DD1 thinks she is better than me, and I am starting to agree. I love both of my DC and my partner and I honestly wouldn't change my life, I am shocked and angry with myself for feeling like this.

This poor woman who is nothing but lovely to my child and I hate her, what is wrong with me I KNOW IABU to feel like this but how do I change this?

Sorry this is so long.

TL:DR - I am jealous of my daughters stepmother because she is too nice and I don't know what do.

I feel for you as it must be very hard seeing your child go off to another house on a regular basis. But you have to be grateful that the gf is lovely. That’s a great outcome for your DD. Don’t forget though that no-one can ever replace you in her eyes, you will always be her mum.

This might be a good time though to look at the way in which you spend time with your DD. Not to compete for her affections but it’s so easy to get into the rut of domestic life that you forget to prioritise fun, and perhaps you need more of that with your DD?

How honest and refreshing! It’s really brave of you to admit this.
Not really sure what to say, excellent t it obviously all comes from within, the more you learn to love and appreciate yourself the more this jealously will fade away.
I’m sure you’re beautiful and amazing, you sound like a great mum and well balanced person. Maybe you just need a bit of you time and some self love

*except not excellent

My exH’a girlfriend is Mary fucking Poopins according to my DD who never stops banging on about how much she loves her and how beautiful she is! I’m not jealous, because I wouldn’t want to be exH’s girlfriend, but it’s easy to be super lovely nice happy quality time lady when you’re only with the DC a few weeks a year. I’m the one getting up at 6.30 day after day, making teas, buying uniform, nit combing, chasing wet bed sheets...of course I’m going to come off worse.

I just tell myself it’s way, way better than the alternative.

Poopins 😂

Aw seriously it's ok to acknowledge those feelongs.

I'm a stepmum, my kids have a stepmum so I understand. You are their mum. Their love for you is huge BUT they can love dad's girlfriend too but it's different.

I know that my children and my DSD feel very lucky to have 4 adult parents/steps who love them so much when most kids get two.

Have a hug, make a coffee and allow yourself to feel like that then smile, move on and know you are loved.

That does sound tough, and your feelings are completely understandable. I don't think you can do much about it, just don't let your DD know, and try to give yourself a break. You are only human. Is there anything you would like to change that might make you feel better about things? Start work or a new hobby?

Sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings about yourself that you are projecting onto her. If you can work out what she has that you want that might help. (Hint: it's not your ex and it's not your dd - you are the centre of your dd's life. It's nice that she likes new girlfriend but it's a bit like when your kid has a crush on their teacher - not in the same league as her feelings for you).

The new girlfriend has no children, still working etc. It's a different world to being a mum. All that time to sort out your wardrobe and make up. I would probably feel the same if I was in your position. Book yourself in for some pampering if money can stretch to it? Hairdressers and a bit of shopping, some new make up? I know it's a shallow response but I bet you will feel a lot better afterwards! Xx

You sound lovely and so sane to be able to recognise and name these feelings in yourself!

Is this maybe a wake-up call for you about some of the ways in which you'd like to be taking care of yourself better?

This sounds weird but my perspective really changed when I read an article about how self-care is a radical act, and it included this quote from Audre Lorde: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

It's so easy for mothers to get lost in taking care of everybody else and forget to take care of ourselves -- forgetting what an important statement and act that this, including for our children to witness.

Could you use the time when your DD is with your ex to do some exercise that you enjoy and that makes you feel great, or to think about whether there's anything you feel excited about doing professionally?

Nothing she does, bakes, draws, wears will ever come even close to being dd’s mummy.

Your dd doesn’t see that you’re “plain” or not as well dressed, honestly.

So many children are afraid to tell one parent that they had a good time with the other one. It’s fantastic that she’s secure enough to do that.

I guarantee when she goes there she’s full of chat about how wonderful you are.

It's hard isn't it.

I have a similar issue, not quite the same but DS has really taken to his new key worker at nursery. Has called me by her name, asks for her in the mornings and at weekends. It's heartbreaking!

One of my adult daughters is in the position of being the new girlfriend, and I often wonder that the little girl's mum thinks about her.
My DD really loves the little girl, she buys her stuff, does her hair, does all sorts of fun stuff with her at the weekend. My DD has no children of her own, a good job with plenty of money. The little girl seems to adore my DD, but I do wonder what her own Mum thinks when she goes home after a weekend with her Dad and my DD and tells her all about it.
I do hope, that if she feels resentful/jealous that she never lets her DD know or my DD!
It must be a difficult position to be in.

I think it would be unusual not not have any of those feelings, i think may woman in your position would feel the same and we all have pangs of jealousy now and then but rarely admit it but there’s nothing you can do about it! Sorry your going to have to just suck it up and be glad this lady is so lovely to your child, sucks doesn’t it!

Can you try to think of Girlfriend not so much as 'stepmum' but more as 'fun auntie?' She will never replace you as mum, but she can be an additional person for your DD to look up to and have fun with in a different way to the fun she has with you?

God, how honest of you. Well done.

I'm not judging you in any way...but maybe you need to use this to give yourself a kick up the bum. Come on lady...where's your career? Start planning, studying etc. Get a plan.

And with your dd, I would pick one thing that I quite enjoyed that I would do with her, so for example...do puzzle books together, join a once a month wildlife walk, get her involved in your sport, read all the Roald Dahl books etc. This is the important bit...it doesn't have to be massive, it just has to be something you enjoy and done semi-regularly.

Thank you all, I am worried about going back into work in the next year now DS will be starting school in Sept as I had DD young and didn't really have a career before other than a bit of waitressing/shop work. Plus not sure how to fit it around school, wanted to wait until DS had settled in at reception until I was a looking for work due to 1/2 days and sicknesses when they start school.

I feel like I backed myself into a corner, she is living her best life and I don't have the chance to do that.

I don't imagine DD talks about me the way she does her, we were in the shops weekend before last and it was all... "GF has this, GF says this, GF likes that.... Can I use pocket money to buy her this?"
It just left me wondering if she even thinks about me when I am not about!

I know she only has one Mummy, and I know that the new GF would be horrified if she knew I was feeling like this because of her. I should be grateful she has a lovely woman as a step-mum not resentful. Thanks for the head wobble all.

Your child is very happy and secure and obviously has a fantastic relationship with you that she is able to tell you everything. My DD is “stepmum” to two fantastic children. They adore her and trust her entirely but they never speak about mum and I’m sure don’t speak to mum about DD. Some people are so bitter about the other woman that it is bound to affect the children but are too selfish to see it. Mum Is not happy about DD especially now she is having a baby. The children can’t wait, they are so excited. Please don’t change anything because you are doing brilliantly, just be happy for your child.

OP - l feel exactly the same. I'm pretty much double your age so l should know better! STBXH left me for OW last year. They now live together and have the boys EOW.

She is the same in that does "family" stuff with them. It's so HARD isn't it. On one hand l feel happy that she is making such an effort with them as it would be awful if she was horrible, but on the other l secretly want them to hate her .

Instead l smile and wave (literally!) when l see her and enjoy my weekend off.

OP, firstly the fact that you are so self-aware and honest about this "jealousy" is half the problem solved already.
Secondly, your DD's relationship with this woman is still very much in the honeymoon phase. The new GF is making a big effort and your DD is only 6. She is probably unsure and trying to make the best of it. She will see the GF as a new friend, at this stage.
Thirdly, you are her mum and always will be and that's the end of it.
Finally, thank god the woman seems "normal" and not mean, offhand or peculiar. That would be far more difficult for your DD.

I am jealous of my daughters stepmother because she is too nice and I don't know what do.

I know it's a disgusting horrible thing to say but I've always thanked my lucky stars that my (now adult) DDs' stepmother is a horrible person and was horrible to them when they were children. I don't know how I'd have dealt with it if ex had gone off with someone delightful that the children loved. My self-esteem was low enough already, it would have gone through the floor if my DC thought she was lovely.

You're not deranged. Your DD is your daughter, of course you need to be the most important person in her life. Try to think of the new GF as like a nanny who's minding your child for the weekend. Jealousy is a very human emotion, don't beat yourself up over it as long as you don't let your DD know you have negative feelings towards the GF. As others suggest, do lots of fun things with DD.

The fact she wants to buy ex's GF stuff is because this is a new relationship so not secure. You are her rock. She takes for granted your love. She doesn't need to earn it. The fact that she totally assumes you are there for her really is a sign that she feels very secure in your love. It's also a huge testimony to you that she is telling you all about this. You are hiding your feelings well. Keep on keeping on! You are doing a fantastic job.

You will get over it

. It's difficult. For what it's worth even lots of mums who are still with DC's dad probably have a woman like that in their life. Maybe an aunt or a mum of DC's friend who is beautiful, always calm and fun and takes them out on amazing days out etc. It's difficult. If you can unfollow her on Facebook and try not to think about her (difficult when DD keeps banging on about her all the time).

No one is perfect. You're elevating her into a faultless being, and I bet she's not. Maybe she's even jealous of you, that you're DD's mum.

I agree with PPs about ways you could do your own fun stuff with DD and also having a think about your own plans and what you'd like to do for yourself. Don't try to compete with her though –let her do what she's good at, and you have your own relationship with DD. You're the mum, you do something so important - you are the source of security, the buck stops with you, DD knows she can rely on you, and that's what she needs with ex's partners coming in and out of her life, however nice.

It's so, so much better than if she was a nasty cow who tried to block DD out of your ex's life or get him to stop paying maintenance - and I have heard horror stories like that.

Let yourself off the hook, have a and stop worrying. And I don't think it would do any harm to secretly call her Mary Poppins inside your head to let off steam :o