I know I am wildly unreasonable but how can I stop feeling this way (Stepmother related)

[FlispyCricket]

NC as I am cringing even thinking about this but have been here long time, elderly Korean lady, toilet plate, pom bears.

Background
DD1 (6) with EX
DS2 (4) with current partner

All adults (me, EX, his GF and my DP) are in mid to late 20's.

Have been split from ex for most off DD1s life, he has her EOW is a good Dad (not Disney) and pays his maintenance properly.

He had a long term girlfriend previously who was in DD1s life until they split 2 years ago, she was a bit cool with DD1 never horrible, average and I never had an issue with that.

He has been dating a new (or not so new really now) woman for just over a year, and they moved in together about 3 months ago so now obviously she is now also in DD1s life EOW but DD1 met her about 6 months ago.

All fine, now for where I am being unreasonable. I have hot boiling jealousy over this woman. She has done nothing horrible or wrong, (in fact she is lovely which makes things worse) but every time DD1 comes home after a weekend at her fathers I just want to scream as she wont shut up about "Daddy and girlfriend".

DD1 loves her and she is so sweet and kind, I imagine she gets dressed by birds in the morning, 100% the type of person that doesn't have a bad bone in their body.

She is pretty and always so well put together (from pickups/drop offs and social media stalking shame ) and has a good job and I think this is contributing as I gave up work for DCs and I am not in great shape, not ugly but a bit on the plain side.

On Sunday afternoon DD1 came home with home baked goodies they had all made and decorated together and she has drawn pictures of them at the park and I feel like my DD1 thinks she is better than me, and I am starting to agree. I love both of my DC and my partner and I honestly wouldn't change my life, I am shocked and angry with myself for feeling like this.

This poor woman who is nothing but lovely to my child and I hate her, what is wrong with me I KNOW IABU to feel like this but how do I change this?

Sorry this is so long.

TL:DR - I am jealous of my daughters stepmother because she is too nice and I don't know what do.

OP try not to give yourself a hard time,I entirely understand the emotion...in my case it's Exdh

"Daddy's so much fun we have baths in the garden " (not as bad as it sounds Exdh lives with his mum who doesn't have a bath and so they have blow up baby baths in the concealed garden) ...of course at 5 he doesn't realise that it's far better to have an actual bathroom

We can have chocolate for breakfast at daddy's and go to the wildlife park Evvvery time

Daddy's never tired

Well no...because daddy doesn't need to get you up and ready for school,set up phonics practice timetables because that needs improvement to meet key stage requirements,or go to the dentist, or actually feed you vegetables otherwise you'll get sodding scurvy

And no daddy's not sodding tired because he gets fun time and has more disposable income because her doesn't buy school uniform or hair cuts etc

But of course we don't say that do we...we laugh and smile and say "oooh that sounds fun love"...whilst I'm trying to find time to go for a run to feel remotely sane

Totally understandable just try to remember parenting is one thing ...fun eow is so much easier and as adults your DC will appreciate all of this

We EOW because her school is too far from his house and he has no car (about a 25 min drive or a 2hr bus, not walking distance). We were 50:50 before she started school, I would go back to that because I hate feeling like it is all dull dishwater at home and fun fun fun when DD goes to her dads.

I suppose I should have titled this thread "How do I make our home life more fun". It just seems impossible when we are on one low income and there always seems to be un-fun things that need doing first.

A very brave an honest post OP. You will never be replaced, the SM is still a novelty at this point.

Just carry on being the best mum you can and make some special time for you and DD (my DD loves stories or her birth and my pregnancy and funny stories about when she was a toddler...nobody shares that with her but me)

I've read some nasty posts on here by SM's who dislike and resent their stepchildren, and dread having them in their home,it's very sad.....just keep telling yourself that at least it's not like this for your DD.

Use this to motivate yourself to change your life.

Can you retrain in a great career? Can you lose weight? Can you do some general improvements to your life to make yourself feel better?

Are you doing fun things while she's at her Dads, I used to go out with my friends for a few drinks and a catch up chat whilst kids were with their Dad and I was so relaxed and unstressed by the time the kids came home that I was just glad that had a good time and I had too.

I have DS with my current partner so there is no "adult time" when she is off at his, we don't have much spare cash to go out for drinks etc. really either at the mo.

Last education I had was collage and then I worked in retail/hospitality until DD1 was born couldn't afford to put her or DS into nursery and so stayed at home. DS is 5 in November so will be starting school in Sept so I will have more time to work on myself then.

Just another perspective, I'm a SM and wouldn't be at all surprised if DH's exW felt similarly about me in the beginning. I was mid twenties, good job, no ties etc when I first started spending time with DSC's and I'm sure they went home full of the fun stuff we did at weekends when they were little. Their DM was always friendly and welcoming towards me but I'm sure (because I would have felt the same in her shoes) she hated me and the great time I was having with her DC underneath.

The reality of it for me was that I felt hugely out of my depth (having zero experience with kids at this point) and paranoid that I wasn't doing a good enough job of looking after/entertaining her kids. I constantly worried what she would think of me, that I would do something wrong and she wouldn't want me around them anymore. If I'm honest I felt a bit inferior to and intimidated by how capable and sorted she seemed compared to me.

Her perception and mine would have been very different back then is what I'm trying to say. She had these two fantastic kids who adored her and I felt (quite rightly) I had to earn my place in their affections and also her approval that I was good enough to be around them. Don't assume she's effortlessly enjoying being 'the perfect SM', she's probably riddled with her own set of insecurities and worries and one of those will be whether she measures up in your eyes. Just thought it might help to know there's another side to this that you may not have considered.

Juells - so you are happy that your children had the horror and misery of a bitch for a stepmother??

Jesus. You are as fucked up as she is, clearly.

@horriblegandma

Juells - so you are happy that your children had the horror and misery of a bitch for a stepmother??

Oh get stuffed.

I totally get where you are coming from! As a single mum of two, I find there's very little time for fun and it feels as if life gets sucked in to a cycle of basics: eat, clean, sleep, repeat.

I sometimes give myself a day off from cleaning anything up and try to stop worrying about the mess and instead have fun (this is easier if you go out of the house as then you aren't creating too much mess in the first place!). Silly stuff like dog-watching at the park -- we see how many dogs we can spot and have competitions to find the dog doing the silliest thing etc, the smallest dog, the biggest dog etc. Flasks of hot chocolate in colder weather.

It takes a bit of research but there are some fun things you can do on little money. If you can take an evening to start Googling that for your local area, you'll find quite a bit. There are also blogs and websites that will suggest low-cost activities that aren't location-specific.

To be honest, I only seem to manage a 'fun' day every once in a while, and I'm trying to do better. Play is something that I've had to relearn and it can be difficult. Right now we are into rhyming things, though, and I find that making up daft rhymes over breakfast is really brightening up my morning with DD (4) -- we take turns to finish the rhyme.

I did have a cool step-mum growing up, and my mum did a lot of the slog while my dad had us for fun weekends. It's not a great set-up. I love them all ever so much as a grown up though (if I'm being honest, I love my mum and dad that little bit more, but they're all great).