To think I'm a crap mum and just can't cope?

[Witsendmummy]

DS is 22 months and I have a 3 week old. I'm struggling I really am. DSs behaviour since baby came is awful he's hitting and biting and trying to hurt the baby. Time out used to really work but now he just laughs at me when I try to do it with him.
The baby won't let me put her down and it's just too hot to have her in a sling. I feel like there's no wonder ds is acting out as she's just come along and is constantly attached to me and on my boob feeding all the time.
I'm starting to feel so low DH has been brilliant bit now he's back at work I feel lost and totally snowed under.
I can't even go on a trip to park because I'm worried about d's hurting other children. I feel so guilty about everything and for feeling like this when I should feel so lucky. I just don't know what to do

Sorry op sounds really tough. He is still a baby himself and doesnt understand why all the attention isnt on him anymore. Hes acting out due to the new baby. Maybe try including him in 'helping' with the baby. Is he getting a little one on one time with you as well?

Hi Op, my two have a similar age gap my DD was 2 when my DS was born and the first few months it was difficult but it does get easier hang in there i always found involving my DD with doing things with the baby helped. I think its just such a big change for them at that age and a bit confusing X

Sorry OP it sounds tough. For what it's worth everyone I know with a new baby and a toddler had an awful time of it at first. Do you have any friends with kids you could go out together with? Can you try to engage DS positively in the baby as a big brother role to try and break the negative cycle? Maybe you could plan some 1-1 time with DS for the weekend? It will get easier.

Every Mum who has had a small age gap feels like you do, at times, unless they have day time help in the form of Family/Friends.

Love Bomb your 22 month old and as said, get him involved with as much as possible.

Don't let it put you off going out, just explain/apologise to other Parents, as long as you are addressing the behaviour, others understand.

Just remember that this stage won't be for long. Do whatever you have to to get through it.

You are not a crap mum!!! There, just to get that one dealt with first...

You poor thing it must be so tough, dealing with a newborn and an unsettled toddler on your own in this baking heat (((hug))).

It sounds like your baby at least is just being a baby, feeding well and wanting to be held a lot which is normal and as it should be. Not convenient though!

Sounds like your boy is struggling a bit with the new arrival - also completely normal and nothing you have or haven't done. He's been the centre of your world, and now he has to cede the position - he isn't going to like it and he is going to kick back! It shows he is used to and feels entitled to a lot of attention and focus from you which is actually a massive endorsement of your mothering xx

If you feel up to it, do go to the park - being out in the air will probably help the baby sleep, and then you can focus on your son and play with him. If he does go a bit Jaws on the other kids, their mums will understand - two year olds do that sometimes and we've all been there when our children's behaviour is less than ideal. Staying cooped up will only make him more antsy and you feel more trapped, so even if it's just a half an hour stroll round the block do try to get out once a day if you can.

Something else I read is that for breastfeeding mums, it's a good idea to set up a bag/box full of 'special' toys or even treats that only comes out when baby is feeding, on the proviso he sits nicely with you and plays gently while you are feeding. Is that something that might work for your son?

These are all just ideas off the top of my head but main thing to remember is you are fine, it's a big job and you will be feeling tired and overwhelmed as it is. Be gentle to yourself and be kind to yourself. I find it helps to imagine myself as a dear friend telling me exactly what you've written - you wouldn't tell her she was rubbish, you'd give her a hug, make her a cuppa and remind her how well she was doing. Be your own friend! xx

You arent a crap mum at all.... that age gap is just really hard to deal with I think... A lot of women go through this with that age gap. Doesnt matter how amazing a mum you are, at that age your eldest will not quite have developed better ways of expressing himself and so is very likely to express his jealousy and fear of having a new sibling through violence and general bad behaviour....
Its along side being 2 which is usually when toddlers get a bit more sassy anyway... so anyone would have their work cut out for them at this stage!
It wont always be this way just keep doing what you are doing and eventually the eldest will get used to his sibling. Give him lots of reassurance and try and keep calm.... it really wont last forever.

Lots and lots of attention for the toddler, cuddles and praise.
Personally I don't believe that time out works for children that young, I'm more of the 'ignore the bad, praise the good'.
In cases of dangerous behaviour a sharp NO and removing the toddler from the situation works better I think. Easier said that done obviously though.
Do you have any family nearby that could hold the baby whilst you play with the toddler?
Tell the toddler that the baby is their baby, buy the toddler a present from the baby etc.

I know I feel so so guilty. I try to do bath and bed time with him and make it fun and do stories etc while dh has the baby.
We went our with my friend last week and he hurt her little girl I was devastated I feel like we can't go anywhere as he needs my 100% attention so I can make sure he won't lash out!
I just feel like I'm failing and don't know how to make things better for him. I was expecting it to be hard but maybe not this disastrous!

There are 22 months between my two dc. Dc 1 went through a very similar phase.. he was really hard work at times. All I can say is to carry on with what you're doing and be consistent. Do you get time to spend alone with your eldest? Maybe plan a little treat if they're good? It's an adjustment period for all of you. Just a lot harder for little ones to explain how they're feeling.

I have a similar age gap and it was bloody hard at that stage.
Don’t do time out or punishments. Your 22 month old won’t understand and it will cause more issues. Tell him ‘no hitting’ in a very stern voice.

Hold and cuddle ds as much as you can. Ruffle his hair, hi five him, tickle him, all touching is good.
Refer to the baby by name and by say ‘your baby sister’
Get him to help as much as you can.

Has ds hit other children? I’d still take him to the park if you can. Or play in the garden if you have one. He’ll need to run off some energy.

You’re not a crap mum at all. It’s just so hard at times but it gets better!

Also 2 year olds sometimes hit, even without a new sibling. It's not called the terrible twos for nothing.
Think of the wonderful gift you've given your older child, a sibling.
Once the baby is crawling (and therefore more interesting) and your ds is 2.5, has better language etc. this will all be a distant memory.

Thankyou for some really good ideas for us to try.
Baby brought her brother a woody from toy story and he loved it everything started off so well bit I think he's realised shes not going anywhere he doesn't like it anymore.

It is really really tough but it will pass and you will come out the other side. I remember it well 3years on. I thought DS was going to push me and baby in arms down the stairs one day! It's so fraught and you're exhausted and hormonal on top of all the change and ds1's behavior. Don't punish him, he's going through a tough time and needs extra love. Set up planned special time each day for him-20 mins no phone no interruption, whatever he wants to do. Lower your standards are food/TV time/cleaning. Get out, even w walk around the block. See others if you can. [Flowers]

Very much also agree with those reminding you this too shall pass. Imagine them in a couple of years, little buddies, running rings around you, making each other laugh. This is just the sticky bit, it's not forever!

I know it's devastating when your little child hurts another child but honestly it's very common in kids that age. Of course you have to deal with it and correct them etc. but don't beat yourself up.

My ds used to shout out ‘send him back!!!’ About his poor baby brother. But they’re the best of friends now

I could have written this way back when!

Firstly you’re doing a great job. Honestly, having two this age is no walk in the park. Remember how overwhelming having a newborn was the first time round? And now you’re having to manage not just that but a toddler too.

I second praising good behaviour, removing him from the situation when he behaves badly, and treating breastfeeding time as his special time when you can colour together, play a game, even just watch TV together (he’ll see this as a treat).

Is he still napping? If so try to get some sleep in then too (easier said than done I know!)

Above all, hugs, it will get better soon I promise.

No advice as such OP as I’m struggling with a new baby and jealous 4 year old but sending you a hug and best wishes - it’s tough

I had a 24 month gap, we then Dts. Really it was very tough. I cried everyday for months mainly because I felt guilty that DD had no attention. Looking back she was great and I needn't have worried. She's 4 now and my twins are 2. It's still hard but much much easier than at first. Don't worry about talking the older one to the park-i don't on my own, instead we've got a sandpit, swing set and trampoline in the garden and they're out there all day. Keep plodding. One day you will wake up and they'll play together while you have a cup of tea and you'll realise it's getting easier.

Whilst not the same, there's 18 months between my nephew and my son. I did a lot of childcare for my nephew when DS was little and DN was very jealous of DS.
Now they're almost 2 & 3.5, DN dotes on DS, they still have the occasional tussle over a toy but mostly they make each other laugh and run around shouting with happiness and playing games.
DN teaches DS new words, regularly says he loves him and shows him how to do things.
It will get easier

Please don't think like that. You're all adjusting to a new routine in the house and it will be a struggle. I don't have such small gaps but I remember feeling overwhelmed when dc3 came and I felt I was letting everyone down. I wish I had just enjoyed those days more and not put so much pressure on myself. I strongly believe that the older children deserve some one on one with their mum. My ds1 was undergoing speech therapy when his dB was a baby and the therapist said he needed 10 minutes with me for his speech eg playing a game or making something. I think it really helped him know I was still there for him and stopped him being jealous. Perhaps you and your dh can plan to do that before bedtimes.

I had a 27 month gap between my first 2 and remember it so well. DD1 would ask any visitors to take DD2 home with them, would ask if we could put her in the bin. They are 6 and 4 now and the best of friends. I also have a little 8mo DS and they adore him, but we had a bigger age gap this time. Honestly OP, I know everyone says it but it's true...IT GETS EASIER!! We've also had tough times this time round and it's BUSY WITH 3 but nothing will ever be quite as hard as those first few months with 2. I thought I'd lose my mind. But we got through it and you will too

It gets easier op, I'm only slightly ahead of you, dd is 17 months and ds is 10 weeks.

At 3 weeks I thought I would never make it out of the house again but it's got easier and the older ones adapt...hang in there!

Do you have any support from other people such as your parents or friends, who might be able to help out a bit ie. going to the park and they could be an extra pair of hands for you? Or maybe hold baby for a bit while you spend time with DS? It sounds really tough, but you are in no way a crap mum!

IT GETS BETTER

IT GETS BETTER

IT GETS BETTER

Same age gap, youngest is now 6 months and every month it seems to get easier. The older one even sometimes kisses the little one goodnight - that's the extent of involvement though.

I got my oldest a kindle as I just couldn't be two people and it made such a difference to my life. DS doesn't use it as much now but it was such a lifesaver when having terrible breastfeeding issues.